Old dog seeks new trick 9

[Old Dog]

Thanks again ganb8te and thanks edz for coming by.

I've shut down now as I feel so depressed. Maybe later. Just go to get through the day without curling up under the desk at work (passive aggressive).

[Sotto]

Hi OD, I'm so sorry you're having a rough time my friend.

One thing I would say is that I would take the feedback about involving S on the chin. I think it's best not to involve him in anything like that. But you know that already. As for the rest....believe nothing they say...

The other thing I would say is this is an important time for your family, with S's op just around the corner. I think this is a time to try and be a united front for him as much as possible to give some stability before and after the op. Because of his op, it doesn't sound like a time to be making huge decisions or engaging in a big way with your W on what she's said.

It's good that you're seeing your IC and can talk this through with an 'expert.' It may be an idea to come up with a 'one month plan' - to get you through the next period of time, which hopefully includes S's op.

I think your W's email has some classic WAW elements:

Blaming you for recent events (she does acknowledge some responsibility granted)
Hoping life can go on just the same (and you'll keep funding it)
No acknowledgement of the damage being done to the R/family by having an A

Essentially, your W seems to be saying you should carry on as you all are, as she is taking care not to 'impact' the family with what she's doing. And actually, her actions are justified because you've been so awful and she's been trying to tell you for 20 years.

What I would say OD is she's swirling in fog right now, and you may not want to engage with the mess that's going on inside her head. It's probably not going to do you or your sitch any good. It may be an idea to not even reply to her email.

Without checking back, are you and W still sharing the marital bed? Is that something you are willing/able to tolerate going forwards? IMHO, in-house S's are the worst scenario of all, especially if there's an ongoing A. That's incredibly difficult and you may need to re-think your plans if this is taking it's toll. To me, whilst W doesn't want to change anything (for the boys - or for her?) you may want to insist on plans that allow you to S and for you to still be in the area at weekends, because the current set up may not be manageable in the longer term.

Take care OD - and don't do any huge stuff whilst you're feeling so upset - if in doubt, withdraw until you feel calmer. We are all here for you my friend, and this too shall pass.

(((OD)))

[Old Dog]

Hi Toots. Yes we are still sharing a bed. I am able to tolerate it for now as she goes to bed and gets up earlier than I do (another example of our incompatibility - jaw drop emoticon) so we don't even talk in the bedroom.

Feeling totally withdrawn right now so that's easy.

[raliced]

Hey Old Dog-

Just wanted to say hang in there. I don't think I'm a good person to be giving advice, because right now I'm in the mood to poke my own WAS with a very sharp stick.

I will say that stepping out with another guy might "breed insecurity" in the kids as well.

[susana4]

Hi Old Dog,
Try and keep your chin up. Sorry you feel so down. Do you have any plans for tonight? Maybe try and plan something nice so you have something to look forward to to get you through the work day.

Apologies, I'm still catching up your sitch so I may not understand completely, but you live in a flat away from W during the week and then you're back in the house with your W and sons at the weekend right? What about if you didn't go back to the house for next weekend? Just to give yourself a bit of breathing room. Could your sons come visit you at your flat?

[Old Dog]

raliced - I will say that stepping out with another guy might "breed insecurity" in the kids as well.

As Hong Kong Phooey used to say "could be" :-)

susana4 - I really appreciate you stopping by again. I've got a counselling session tonight. That'll help.

Yes, I live with a couple of wonderfully helpful and supportive flatmates during the week. They both alcoholics and drug users (if you have been one, you're never an ex) who have done the 12 steps and help others now ... and me although I'm neither. I couldn't have ended up in a better place to be honest.

The last weekend was the first time I went back in three weeks actually. The weekend coming is a birthday celebration for my mum so WAW said she'll take herself off on Saturday. And the weekend after that I'm not gong back as I've arranged to go to a ceroc (dancing) weekender.

I know I'll get through this, not just today but in a week / month / year but man alive it's hard. I'm trying not to dwell. I recognise the signals and try to route around them e.g. I went out to the pub for lunch with colleagues even though I didn't feel like it and wasn't exactly the life and soul.

[SunnyB]

OD, let me ask: how much of her email lecture is true? Any of it? All of it? Just wondering your viewpoint.

[Wonka]

OD,

Posting your W's email here:

Yes, I ought to have let you know on Sunday what time I'd be back. In my mind it was enough that I'd said that I would be back in the afternoon. But, yes agreed, I did need to let you know I hadn't ended up in a ditch. So it won't happen in future.

Meantime, what is most troubling is the way you chose to address it. Once again you involved the children, in spite of me pointing out that to do so will breed insecurity in them. Rather than just text me yourself, S15 had to be involved in your dissatisfaction. Not content with passive-aggressive swiping at me via BFF (1), now you are involving your children as well (2).

The children:
It is S15 & S12 who are of particular concern to me here. The other people you carp about it to heard it all the first time around over (previous girlfriend), and can draw their own conclusions. S15 and S12 are our children. It will affect them and upset them. In spite of your personal dissatisfaction at what I am doing here, I have always taken the utmost care to look out for their feelings along the way. I have made sure to relay to them that they have nothing to fear, that their lives won't change radically, that they won't lose either of us, that we are managing it as grown ups. And I have never denigrated you to them, nor would I.

No second chance:
Yes, you are angry, we've all got that. You are angry that you haven't been given a second chance. I need to remind you that you were given a 20-year long chance when you were with me. It was a good relationship, but like all relationships it will have lacked on both sides. What was lacking for me I repeatedly pointed out to you. Not only were you incapable of addressing that with me, you steadfastly refused to do so. And just by way of a single isolated example here - for 20 years I assumed the reason I was never told I was beautiful was because I wasn't. (3)

But you've changed:
You claim I need to realise you've changed. If you've learnt about yourself lately, I'm pleased, but unfortunately for you in this case it's too little too late. In spite of this change, you seem to be behaving in the exact same way you did over (previous girlfriend) - your main aim being to ensure everybody around you realises how terrible it is for you.

So rather than point the finger at me continually, maybe take a look at yourself and what you are doing. And remember that in the end your passive aggression will hurt only you.

S15's operation:
S15 is having major surgery two weeks today. At this time more than any he needs to feel emotionally secure. As does S12. S15 is being expected to face his setback bravely and with dignity. You are one of his role models.

WAW
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

I tell many newbies and newcomers to respond in 1-3 short paragraphs. You need to filter out white noise and respond using validation techniques. You would want to use KISS and STFU principles in your draft response. I'd suggest that you post the draft here for feedback.

What was the "issue" that W is referring to here as in 'this has been happening for 20 years'? Do you know what it is?

[Old Dog]

Hi Wonka, thank you so much for stopping by. I will post a draft here a bit later.

The issue is not being loving enough, not telling her I love her, not being passionate enough, not telling her she is beautiful. LL number one 'affirmations' I believe.

She summed it up nicely after bomb day by showing me motivational speaker Gerald Roger's viral web post - marriage advice I wish I would have had. She said I never did any of these.

Uh, thanks for telling me now it's too late W.

[claire7]

She says she told you. What say you to that?