Old dog seeks new trick 9

[Old Dog]

I took my ring off in the middle of the night. I even thought about selling it. I never wanted to wear it in the first place as I don't like wearing jewelry. WAW insisted that I did when we got married.

And then, lying awake, I thought how much I hate her. I never really understood the two sies of that coin before. And then I cried ... again. And now I do.

Step change. C'mon dammit.

[Old Dog]

I sent this email to WAW as she timed her return back home until after I had left to get the last bus. I got S15 to text me when she got back - half an hour later. I also said to him don't tell her as she'll think I'm checking up on her.

I would appreciate it if you are not going to get home until after I have left, that you let me know you are on track or have arrived so I know I don't have to turn around and come back because something has happened.

And got a "yes, OK".

She rang last night. I'm glad I didn't answer. So she sent me another lecture by email.

Sunday:
Yes, I ought to have let you know on Sunday what time I'd be back. In my mind it was enough that I'd said that I would be back in the afternoon. But, yes agreed, I did need to let you know I hadn't ended up in a ditch. So it won't happen in future.

Meantime, what is most troubling is the way you chose to address it. Once again you involved the children, in spite of me pointing out that to do so will breed insecurity in them. Rather than just text me yourself, S15 had to be involved in your dissatisfaction. Not content with passive-aggressive swiping at me via BFF (1), now you are involving your children as well (2).

The children:
It is S15 & S12 who are of particular concern to me here. The other people you carp about it to heard it all the first time around over (previous girlfriend), and can draw their own conclusions. S15 and S12 are our children. It will affect them and upset them. In spite of your personal dissatisfaction at what I am doing here, I have always taken the utmost care to look out for their feelings along the way. I have made sure to relay to them that they have nothing to fear, that their lives won't change radically, that they won't lose either of us, that we are managing it as grown ups. And I have never denigrated you to them, nor would I.

No second chance:
Yes, you are angry, we've all got that. You are angry that you haven't been given a second chance. I need to remind you that you were given a 20-year long chance when you were with me. It was a good relationship, but like all relationships it will have lacked on both sides. What was lacking for me I repeatedly pointed out to you. Not only were you incapable of addressing that with me, you steadfastly refused to do so. And just by way of a single isolated example here - for 20 years I assumed the reason I was never told I was beautiful was because I wasn't. (3)

But you've changed:
You claim I need to realise you've changed. If you've learnt about yourself lately, I'm pleased, but unfortunately for you in this case it's too little too late. In spite of this change, you seem to be behaving in the exact same way you did over (previous girlfriend) - your main aim being to ensure everybody around you realises how terrible it is for you.

So rather than point the finger at me continually, maybe take a look at yourself and what you are doing. And remember that in the end your passive aggression will hurt only you.

S15's operation:
S15 is having major surgery two weeks today. At this time more than any he needs to feel emotionally secure. As does S12. S15 is being expected to face his setback bravely and with dignity. You are one of his role models.

WAW

1. I did a small website job for her BFF and then vented a bit which I shouldn't have especially as she's now reported back. I did apologise for doing it.
2. I asked S15 to text me when she got back, but not to tell her as she would think I'm checking up on her.
3. Argh! I may not have been crap at conveying my appreciation but this is selective thinking. Something which I have mentioned to her before.

I would appreciate some help in my reply please. As yes, true to form my initial reaction is a passive aggressive one ... and quite unprintable.

[gan]

Tough stuff, Old Dog. She's a WAW alright, but one who doesn't actually speak of leaving. That's what I am so puzzled about with your sitch.

What's this about previous girlfriend then? Did I miss something?

I'm not too sure how to respond (validate no doubt) but I guess there is a few things in there for you to take note of:
(1) Your anger is showing to her
(2) It seems you have verbally told her that you have changed (without showing this though your actions) - she's not buying it in other words
(3) Passive aggressiveness - is that something you need to work on?

There seems to be so much anger in you that I really think you need to take your time with this one. Regardless of whether you send a response or not (and I'm not sure that one is warranted), how about writing a reply here and we can help you with reframing?

[susana4]

I know I'm not Wonka or Starsky but you linked here so hope you don't mind me throwing my 2c in here.

I'm not a vet and I don't have kids but it really rubbed me the wrong way that you got your son involved and asked him not to tell your W. It was only a small thing but it seems wrong to me to ask him to keep a secret from her.

That's putting him in the middle, and I'd leave him out of the situation completely. This is between you and W.

[Old Dog]

Thanks for replying ganb8te. I really need someone to talk to at the moment. I'm at work and had to go and have a 'moment' in the shower room.

She isn't leaving because she wants to give the boys a steady home and also she's nowhere to go. I'd love to throw her out though but I can't because I'm not there.

The previous girlfriend was before I met her. She dumped me and I didn't take it at all well. Followed her to Barcelona where she'd gone to live, cried, begged, pleaded you know the drill. When I came home I was so wrapped up in my own misery and sought comfort from flatmates. I was so self pitying it was emabarrassing (and still is) but I couldn't stop. I learnt later during counselling that it was typical passive aggressive behaviour. I even knew that she wasn't 'the one' but I needed her as a crutch. I was unhappy with the rest of my life then as well.

I told WAW about this on bomb day and said this time it is different. I do not want to act this way and I won't and that she, WAW, is 'the one'.

1. Evidently
2. I haven't said that I have changed but that people do change. She has commented before that she has noticed that was really trying but it was no good she's not changing hr mind.
3. Oh yes.

I've been writing a response. Not one to send but one where express what I'd like to say. I'll post that in a while. Still working on it. Then I'll try a validation draft. I've got IC tonight so I'll be able to address it there too.

[Old Dog]

Hi susana4. You're most welcome to chip in. Yes, you're right. And it didn't work anyway as he told her anyway. Got to stop that it was stupid on my part.

[gan]

Glad to hear about the IC meeting tonight. I was going to ask.

We all have moments. Mine was during shavasana a few night ago - tears streaming down my face.

"She isn't leaving because she wants to give the boys a steady home and also she's nowhere to go. I'd love to throw her out though but I can't because I'm not there." Ok, but the current set up is clearly not sustainable. Somethings gotta give. and at this stage I am worried that something is your sanity. Somewhere in that quoted sentence is an opportunity to get unstuck....

I assume you are at the apartment this week? Are your roommates around for a chat?

Hang in there, Old Dog. This is so tough but we will make it through.

[Old Dog]

Yes I am at my flat. Unfortunately one of them is really quite ill at the moment. I can chat with the other one though.

I seem to bouncing around that Kubler Ross grief curve quite a bit. I have been feeling very angry recently as it has become apparent that WAW is bent on having this affair and expects me to be OK with it.

I thought I'd reached a point at the weekend where I'd accepted that there's nothing I can do but ignore it and work on myself but after a few bad mistakes on my part and another lecture I'm shaking with anger and fear. Oh and don't forget self pity.

[gan]

Yes, I remember that feeling well. Sickening. Never want to experience it again.

Now's the time to put your mindfulness training to work. There's a lot of emotions floating around but you can still chose how to respond to them. Focus on your breath and try to soothe yourself. You know all this stuff, comrade.

Sorry Old Dog but I gotta get to bed. Hopefully some northern hemisphere people will chime in soon.

((Not so))

[edz]

Hi od,

I dont drop by your thread too much hope you dont mine me popping in here. I'm having a t shirt made up that says "my sitch is different to yours but...." Possibly with "I'm going to turn up anyway" on the back

Sorry its tough right now. I dont know nor does anyone know how their sitch will develop twist and turn as it progresses let alone someone else's but take anything I say as warm support and if a vet pops by take their advice over mine.

I can say in the first month of my sitch I was an utter basket case, no arguments from me, pre dB I cried, begged, pleaded for a week then tried the brave gesture and nearly cracked under the strain

Friends became worried and talked to me and then I got councilling I've not fully back read yet so forgive me if I've missed it but do you have a (non involved / close to w) friend you can talk to who won't judge or can you get a councillor?

You note I haven't mentioned your w yet thats because you need to worry about you first. I've said in other threads any kind of sharing / in house sep situation has got to be hard as b@lls to deal with, it and no op are the only blessings I've had in my sitch (obviously the latter as far as w has told me /I know).

One of my w's big huge major with asterist reasons for going was my r or lack of it with s so I won't judge you or criticise you but I urge you to look at and examine your r with s. Sorry to sound negative Nelly (I've done that a lot lately in my thread but I'm coming out the other end I hope) but if, just *If* this doesn't work out your kids will be the r you get to maintain make sure you are comfortable with where you go with that, again I'm not saying your not but its a focus point I missed for 5 years so this is one who's been there and nearly messed up my r with s for good.

With that said I see a lot of the behaviour I'm prone to in what you mention, not to the same degree but certainly I identify as a pursuer and not knowing when to let go nearly - literally - cost me everything. I can't really comment or advise on the op as I only know what's in Dr/dB there same as you but hopefully a vet can answer and offer some advice.

As gan said the long term stability of the housing is a cause for concern though, is w just planning in staying indefinitely in an open marriage, seems odd that om would be happy with that long term but again no experience here.

The two things I can say are though you need to talk it out, vent it and ideally get to the bottom of any issues your w has raised that you feel are fair, some was comments will be spew doubtless but the core ones if they are fair you need to resolve for you and the kids regardless of w. This has taken me 7 months so far and 3 of those I had counselling that got me at least partially balanced.

I hear you on the ring. Although I love mine, I'd worn it until December last year (since june 2001 yes, constantly) so it was a lurch to take it off. But it was a cathartic moment for me as it wrapped up my needyness for w and it was then I really felt the first detatchment and some progress. It will come od it will regardless of what happens in the sitch.

I would echo that any 180s or changes need to be for you and need to be integrated into you. As an example I did 55 trunk/sit-ups before a shower this morning and have now dropped 3 trouser sizes yes initially all this was to look better for w and lack of concern for my appearance was one of w's lesser issues with me but now its just what I do.

Anger and internalising until I blew my stack another that counselling got to the bottom of.

W hasn't really commented on any of my 180s directly but she has to notice them simply as its impossible not to and they make me feel better as me. Aim for that in whatever you choose to work on.

I'm sorry its so hard for you right now my friend. I know I've been in that pit before and since bd day for me, it truly is the worse time. It will pass there will be good and great days there will still be low ones but things will change hold onto that.

Cheers
Edz