It reads: "The Castle of Aaaaarggghh"

[AJM]

I think you're making great progress finding yourself, Heather. You are figuring out what makes you tick. What situations you do best at and what situations aren't for you.
This speaks volumes to me:

Depression has always been my Achilles heel...I can't remember a time when I wasn't worried or negative about some far off impending "tragedy." Why? I don't know?

I was the kid who had a plan in case the Russians attacked. :-)

Yep. That may be part of it right there. You plan. God laughs. Rinse. Repeat.

I do see a similarity in myself and D12. I removed her from public school because, as the psychologists observed, she doesn't handle to many stimuli well at once.

I think, in my case, I process information a bit more slowly than the average bear. Put me in an empty room and give me ONE thing to think about and I'm GOOD! I'm GREAT! I'm the World's most awesome problem solver!!

Um, yeah. That's called an introvert. Somebody who gets energized when alone vs. somebody who gets energized in a group of people. i.e. too much stimuli is not what helps you get energized. It's a spectrum vs. a hard and fast though. And life as we know it (the muppets will tell you this too) seems to idolize those that are good in a crowd.

Me? I do well in crowds. But put me next to somebody who is more introverted and I'll drive them crazy. I can be alone without a problem, but prefer to be in a crowded room with loud couches. But like you, I analyze the heck out of things. I process things at my own pace. Sometimes that seems slow. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night with an epiphany because my brain is still processing things. Sometimes I get overwhelmed, but I've learned to use a Ben Franklin close (google is your friend) to help me adjust to it.

And what drives me crazier than anything is a liar. Always has. Because with a liar, you never know what's real and what isn't. Again, put me in a room with a liar, and somebody won't be happy when we leave - I have proof of that

I hear you describing somebody how is a deep thinker. Somebody more introverted (by nature) than extroverted. Seems simplistic I know, but that's what I saw in your statement above.

Know what? There's nothing wrong with that. What'll stress you out is trying to be something you're not although there are times you'll have to be. It's not your comfortable state.

It's always a good thing to figure out what works for you and what doesn't, m'dear. And I see that in your posts as well.

Re-training your thinking patterns? I bet those are easier when you have quiet times. But be patient. A lifetime of thinking one way doesn't change overnight with the wave of a magic wand. Shame, but it is how it is.

Figure out what works, Heather. Go with those things (writing, getting some alone time, etc.) Don't worry about what society tells you that you should be. Or your family either

AJ

[BklynMom]

You rock heather!

Don't fire your attorney even through he stinks. It will cost you more money and time. The end is near and it does get better when it's actually over. It really does.

My exh spent 80,000 of our money on hiring a really expensive yet terrible con artist lawyer. That really was painful to watch him blow that money. Even at nyc prices he over paid by at least 60. The lawyer conned my exh out of OUR money. Really sad.

Now it's over and horray for not having to deal with my exh wasting my money any more. I'm able to save and take care of my girls.

It will get better once all the legal stuff is in place.

You are so talented.

Xoxo

[AJM]

Hey Heather, ever thought about doing this kind of thing for fun? (can't post links - quick search for Center Lovell Inn -it's a writing a contest )


AJ

[LoisB]

No, Brook, YOU ROCK! :-)

AJ,

Thanks so much. I never told you how much your post meant to me March 3. It gave me some strength to keep going. Strength to believe in who I am and strength to keep on trucking even if I wasn't in my comfort zone. And, the strength to know I have choices even when it feels like I don't...and, the courage to believe that who I am at my core isn't bad...just different.

Is it possible that this journey, for me...is about trusting my own truth? Learning who I am and accepting that I'm simply fabulous in my own strange way? I'm done apologizing for being me.

I've had so many miracles since I posted last.

I'm almost afraid to mention them, in case it will jinx the good stuff. Life is OK. Dare I say it? LIFE IS OK??? Kinda freaks me out a bit.

D12's tutor who wasn't so reliable...contacted me. She apologized and asked for another chance. D12 LOVES, LOVES, LOVES her. I've asked her to help us through the summer.

The first child support payment arrived. I won't be getting the full amount each month, it will arrive in portions. Of course the state doesn't want Smokey to suffer too much by losing such a big portion of his paycheck. God forbid...bitter jab outta my system... for the moment.

My car payment is up to date. Big sigh of relief.

The man who is my superior is a huge, huge, huge help. He is kind, encouraging, structured, but not belittling. He knows how to run a weekly and he is giving me all sorts of great lessons.

--I've made the decision that I want to continue with this position for 1-2 years. I need to make this challenging position a success. But, after, I will be moving into something a little less public and a less demanding.

So...no sooner than I made this decision and felt really comfortable with it...than... I happen to notice mutual friend of a colleague on Facebook. A children's author. She lives about 30 minutes south of us. In a post I read, I noticed that she recently had the lead story for Nat'l Geo Kids...a magazine that I've always wanted to write for...hmmmm...

Also, someone who works for my company recently revealed his son is Autistic. He opened up a whole network of local Autism support.

I feel as if a whole new type of person is coming into my life. People who are positive and supportive and NOT belittling.

I'm also beginning to believe I CAN do this.

Have had more moments of clarity about Matt. It's slowly dawning on my subconscious who he really is...I will have these moments where I will see him the way I would if we were strangers...which we are now. I'm remembering selfish things he did during our marriage and I'm seeing how I would never tolerate such behavior now.

I had a dream where I told him Thank You for leaving me. In another dream, I was back in Ohio and we were reunited. I longed to go back to N.Y. where I belonged. I was actually describing N.Y. as home and trying to convince Matt how beautiful it was. He just couldn't get it. He totally dismissed it because it was something important to me.

In the dream, I was looking for something interesting to do for a living and I knew that my interesting life was back in N.Y. My life was back in N.Y. That was where I belonged.

[Ggrass]

Hey I had a compliment on the weekend about how great I do my job in the store.

How it seems to be natural and easy. It's not I'm naturally loud, but do like to be alone. If I could never leave the farm and not care.

I made a decision to work on the make the hardest Things in my life easy, it's something I have done before in dead end crappy jobs. Learnt to do a great job, even tho I hated the work.


Now I'm trying to give people postative feel good warm and fuzzy each time we have an Interaction. H said I was naturally nasty lieing biatch of low morals.

While some stuff might not come naturally you can become better you can "work" at it.

The more I read the more i see most imteratcions with people are script and there and no,new wheels. So you can learn while you might never be natural you might have better Interpersonal skills than others this can put you out in front.

[beatrice]

I made a decision to work on the make the hardest Things in my life easy,

That advice ought to be stickied!! It is so well put and great advice

[AJM]

Dreams. For a long time I didn't dream, Heather. Then slowly, I started to again. I've had similar dreams of saying thank you. Moments of realizing that the person I knew is long gone and is somebody else now. The person they were all along meaning I didn't see it or they hid it? Or somebody who had a major meltdown and became something different? Both perhaps.

What I've come to realize is that dreams are a way of the subconscious expressing itself. Yours seems to be quite healthily finalizing some things.

And don't ever be somebody else, Heather. Those others are already taken and you are quite interesting in your own right.

Looking forward to reading more of your work. As a suggestion, transitions or new jobs are often started by people as a side job.

AJ

[job]

Heather,
I saw this quote the other day and thought of how much you have struggled w/trying to be what you thinks others want you to be. I came here over the weekend and read your recent posting and I can see where you are learning to accept who you are and are happy w/the unique person that you are.

Here is the quote: "We can spend our lives trying to be whatever we think others want us to be, but what we really need is to be ourselves. We must own who we are and not shy away from it."

Heather, you've come a long way, my friend. Keep up the good work.

[uRworthy]

Heather, I have learned a lot of things on this journey. I think the most important one was to learn to love and accept me. All of me, the great parts and the not so great parts.

I was lost for so long. I had gotten so small. The road to grow me back was a long, difficult one. But man, was it worth it.

We can all improve in some way and we should never stop growing.

But accepting that we are worthy and wonderful just the way we are is the greatest gift we can give ourselves and our children.

You are an incredible woman, Heather. I think you dont really see that sometimes. You tend to look at what you cant do rather than what you can do. You tend to see your failings and not your successes.

I know for me, I had my mother and xh's voices in my head for a lifetime. Learning to silence them and seeing who I am took work. Getting new mirrors and listening to my own voice helped me do that.

Time for you to truly believe what a strong, talented, courageous, intelligent person you are.

Silence the voices, Heather, for they are wrong.

[LoisB]

You guys are amazing. I read what you wrote days ago, but didn't know how to respond to such unconditional love. Thank you so much for the love.

I'm giving myself permission to change. I'm giving myself permission to reject miserable. I've been so loyal to miserable. It's what I've known. I'm choosing to be loyal to Joy now. :-)

I can go where ever I want to go with this life. I can continue to recreate myself. The bad stuff does not have to define me.

I'm not where I want to be, but I'm closer than I've ever been and...I'm not where I was. Hallelujah. I'm celebrating the courage it's taken to get closer to who God wants me to be.

I've been feeling some sadness and letting go of what was. Leaving my hometown is just sinking in. My life in Ohio has been passing before my eyes, literally. I will close my eyes and have these images of swimming in my Grandma's pool as a kid. Walking to the Memorial Day parade with my grandparents and aunts and uncles. I've even remembered the wallpaper of my room as a kid. I'm not stopping the memories...letting them come in like a gentle ocean wave and recede back into time.

Still having the crazy dreams...my brain seems to be digesting the old dream and accepting/embracing the new.

Get this...I have to share this. This dream was insane.

So, when Matt and I were first married, we had this cocker spaniel. He was our baby.

In my dream, I was back in Ohio. Matt wasn't in the dream...as Matt.

The girls and I were in our bedroom? As it used to be? With this waterbed we used to have. We were in this room that felt like a room where Matt and I spent a lot of time a decade or so ago...about when we had the waterbed.

Anyway, I happen to notice dog poop in this room. I roll this section of the waterbed over and notice there's dog poop in the cracks. Soon, I realize that dog shid is everywhere. I realize that I've been sleeping in dog shid. It's EVERYWHERE. And, I start cleaning it up. I'm working like crazy to clean the carpet, the bed, the room...and, just as I clean up some dog poop, the dog poops again. The room is soon covered. I clean and more shows up.

So, then, I realize that I had promised the girls that I was taking them to a concert. I decide I'm going to honor the promise. I take the dog over to my mom's house. I put the dog in a nice kennel. I make sure he has water. I feel badly, but I leave him in the kennel and ask my mom and stepdad to take care of the dog. I feel lousy to leave him there. He's in a clean kennel with water and I hope he doesn't get sick again. I hope it's over.

I get in my new car. Put my cat in the car and drive off with the girls to go to the concert. I'm not even sure I want to go to the concert, but I know I don't want to stay with the dog. I know I don't want the dog anymore and I feel a bit guilty and sad that I may have to put him down...but I realize I cannot keep him and continue to clean up after him.

I felt sad driving away and I can't say I was exactly excited about where we were going...but, I knew I couldn't live in the shid anymore. And, I was tired of cleaning it up and spending ALL of my time cleaning it up when more just continued to pile up as I cleaned. It was a never-ending battle.