bea- I think you are right about 4 weeks. I know it will only be a drop in the bucket, but if I look back two weeks from where I am now... it totally freaks me out. Not something I EVER want to go back to.
Shining- heeeeeeeeeey, girl! HA! Beautiful writing? If you call a big, burly female truck driver cussing up a storm at the road block when on a deadline put into a sweet cadence of my writing...
That kind of beautiful? Possibly the first time I've metaphor-ed myself as "big, burly" female... but the mouth of a trucker... well... in my most innocent girly giggle... maybe?
uR, thanks for the post. I will choose JOY! Little by little it wont even be a choice... it will be my life. I have appreciated your posts, and I recently read your post, I think to Heather?, and it really meant a lot to me. I know you have been through it and you understand so well. I have been looking at things to look forward to. Small, little things that I know xh wouldn't enjoy, and I can enjoy them carefree, without guilt, or taking away from anyone. (I think part of xh's insecurities is being able to enjoy things for others... things he didn't understand seemed almost like a threat to him... if that makes any sense.) But I am TRYING to find the little thing to REALLY enjoy and look forward to.
Karma- I too am glad to be away from him. Like this, anyway. And "this" is what he is. I miss "that" but "this" can stay away!
AJ- I was just thinking about how I felt that I'd hit a wall for the day. And I was thinking that as days slowly progress, I have a tendency to hit a wall... Like OK, enough for the day. Then I read your post and you gave the stringing along the minutes analogy, and it was like you read my mind! So, I guess it's pretty "normal" to have this wall-hitting feeling. As long as I realize that the time pre-wall-hitting was enjoyable. Love that time of day!
Well, I did hit a wall. My heart takes a toll... I really feel it internally. So I was contemplating on things I could do to... feel better. I came up with what I stated to uR. Then I though I could just be. That its OK to not be on cloud nine, and yet I don't need to soak in misery either. I can just be.
Then xh dropped of d14 (he took her and a friend to the movies today- she still won't go without a friend or s18- he used to say no and not take her if she wanted a friend, at least now he will). But, as I was stewing in my wall-hitting, getting-through-it, just-be-ing, mind, I had to watch pull off to hww's. Yeah, it gave me a hari kari moment. But, I'm OK. I picked myself back up. And I'm gonna chill. I'm gonna enjoy the night in my bed watching shows I like (prob w d14) in my fleece sheets. C'mon, y'll... you tried them? They are the BEST! Need them 'round these parts! And they make me happy.
You know the best thing (practically) about living alone - thermal pjs. They can be cute (I have some leopard skin printed ones, among others (with a black top!)) but I do not kid myself they are a glamour item! I wear them with indoor uggs for extra appeal
Fleecy sheets are next . . It is small things that can help us to be happy
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Feeling lots of grief today. Trying all of my tools in my tool box but nothing is helping with this uneasy feeling.
I did realize that it is not about me. I kept trying to figure out why he like her more or would go back after everything he told me., but I don't think that is it at all.
He even said that he has feelings for me still. How could he really feel good about jumping into that if that's the case.
He is so confused (he even said a million times "I don't know what I'm doing" and he can't make decisions. He even said she is a control freak, I I know 100% she is a manipulator. I'm not blaming her- he's the one choosing these actions when there are other choices. But I just know it's not about me. He didn't choose her. He is choosing to be manipulated and choosing not to be accountable and choosing not to do the work inside, choosing not to do the work in r's.
I think it's sad. For him, for my kids, for my family. That he does not have the courage to be alone. To work on himself. He is digging himself deeper. It's awful to watch, especially knowing that it is closing the door on our family forever.
I can't shake this horrible feeling inside.
I know it is the same ol', but I just don't know what else to. I was hoping I'd feel better after this acknowledgment of my feelings. I don't. It works sometimes.
Ok, I will keep moving, but it isn't easy. I am stuck in a abyss of despair. Still can't find what I'm looking for. What will bring less despair into my world. I can't believe this. I can't believe he has this baby. This is the pits.
Mighty, I remember reading something a while back that says that "not making a decision is a decision".
What you are feeling is very normal and you are going to have days where nothing helps. Those are the days that you have to take it step by step, grieve, cry, shout, beat the stuffing out of something, etc. Feel those emotions and then let them go. You've got some DIY things to work on and today is a good day to take that hammer out and use it.
As for your xh, he's confused and yes, he's still got feelings for you...but are they right kind of feelings, i.e., a man should have for his wife and not just a friend? Quite frankly, he doesn't know which end is up and you can't listen to his bs right now. He's sitting on the fence and is hopefully keeping his options open by dropping those tidbits of saying he's got feelings for you.
Yes, it is very sad that this grown man can't get it together, but that's not your problem to fix. Yes, it's sad for your children because they need a mature, responsible and accountable father who is there for them 24/7. Mlcers can't stand to be alone because they have to have someone there to use as a crutch and to help them focus on what they are doing at the moment. If they don't have that crutch, then they would have to find something else to take their focus off what needs fixing. It's a sad situation and no one should ever want to be walking in their shoes.
It's not easy turning a deaf ear and a blind eye to what he's doing, especially when he's living next door...but you've got to find a way to help yourself off that mlc train or you will be right down in the dark pit w/him, living in a very confused state all of the time.
I think what's going w/you is that you are heading towards acceptance of the situation and you are having a difficult time of it because you know that once you've accepted the situation for what it is today, your heart will break completely in two.
Please be kind to yourself today. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mighty, I'm sorry this is another tough day for you.
Job said some golden things right there.... resonated with me as well.
There are days I STILL look around and I can't. fn. believe it. There is definitely another level of pain that comes with the acceptance. And I believe the acceptance happens in stages, too, with varying degrees of ***really*** accepting it all.
For example, I am so sure my H still has feelings for me, just as yours still does for you. Does it change anything today? Nope.
Healthy people don't do what they did, in the way they did it. And they continue to run from their accountability.
Healthy people don't disregard their children and cut off family members like this.
He is sick. He is in crisis. He cannot cope with the feelings....especially the deep ones.
He cannot see a way out of this, nor can he see a way back to you, so he convinces himself to keep going the opposite direction because that way, even if he is not happy, it just hurts less. And that's all he can handle.
Nothing we do is going to change that. Nothing.
He has to do this on his own. No other way. Of that I am certain.
The best thing we can do is get out of their way. Get out of their thoughts. And better yet, get them out of ours for now.
You have to feel this. It's a death inside. I remember feeling a part of my heart....dying. And it keeps doing that off and on, with less hopeless despair.
On the other side of this period in time, is a life to be lived. You don't have to have it all figured out today. But with each small step you take, your path will become clearer and clearer. Be patient, be gentle with the way you talk to yourself, and be ok not knowing what the future is for now. It will begin to take form in front of you with each day, even if you can't see it yet. One day, you will.
Mighty, Im sorry you had a difficult day. This is heartwrenching stuff.
I'm glad you are realizing it isnt about you. This crisis was years in the making. No amount of love could have stopped it.
Although it is hard to see through all the heartache this causes, your xh is in pain, too. Unbearable pain at times.
He is deeply unhappy. He doesnt know why. He just keeps trying everything he can, but, the despair it is still there. He became someone opposite of who he was. He lashed out at you, alientated his children, acts out, regressed. The deep sadness and confusion continues. He will keep searching until and unless he looks within.
I know his actions are devastating. I know you are angry, disappointed, hurt and deeply pained.
The way I see it is, that in life, we come to expect it to go a certain way.
But then life throws us some tough stuff from time to time.
We experience illnesses, death, miscarriages, divorce, etc. We think we cannot possibly get through them and yet we do.
Some of us come out stronger, some not so much. Some become bitter and some do not.
The difference, I think, in how we survive is not so much how tough we are, but, in how open we are.
We only get this one shot and we get to choose how we take it.
So, my friend, you will get to the other side. You just have to go through some really crappy parts to get there.
It is hard Mighty,...it's hard when it makes no sense. He is not healthy and not making healthy choices. My ex still has feelings for me too and where is he? He's with his new 30 yr old GF. It doesn't matter who they hurt us, their children their families. You can't fix him or make this right. All you can do is duck and save yourself from all the crap he throws your way
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
I am taking my power back! This is MY life and I determine what makes ME happy. And it OBVIOUSLY isn't a cheating, lying, abusive, miserable, confused, irresponsible dumb-ass. Yeah, he is struggling... well he made sure to take everyone down in flames with him. And throw lighter fluid on them as he ran away... again.
And what annoys me about this post... it is TOO much about him.
Right. Anger doesn't feel good, does it Mighty? But it is the way through it as long as you don't get stuck. It may take a while of being angry. If it didn't, I would worry about you because it meant you didn't care before. I'm sure you wish you didn't care.
I know from experience that if they go but don't go, it's harder. The longer and quieter they are, the more you can heal. Believe me, the hardest part is finding that ability to heal with the knucklehead in your face on a frequent basis.
Quote:
Mlcers can't stand to be alone because they have to have someone there to use as a crutch and to help them focus on what they are doing at the moment. If they don't have that crutch, then they would have to find something else to take their focus off what needs fixing. It's a sad situation and no one should ever want to be walking in their shoes.
Spot on from what I've seen. And honestly, I wouldn't want to be that person. It's pathetic. It's sad. It's their problem because they made it their problem and theirs alone.
It's frustrating because you weren't given a say.
But you're on the right track, ending the conversation about him more often than not. That's the key. More often than not make the conversation something else. In your own head as well as what you say. After a while it'll become more natural. Ingrained.
Don't wish away the anger, but don't stay there either, Mighty. It's part of the process. Let it wash over you. And get plenty of exercise and some alone time, yeah?
Things will be ok in time. For you and the kids. The rest will be what is. And that will be ok too.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
