My thoughts and prayers are with you, Ahoy! I am dealing with moving from marital home now too and it is just hard. I feel for you, having to do it with D. Hang in there and know that you are a wonderful person and you will be fine.
Happy Valentine's Day to you! Treat yourself well today.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thank you guys so much for the encouragement. I don't know what's wrong with me today -- it's not even so much about Valentines Day or the house or the dissolution process, but maybe a combination of all plus extra fun hormones. I know I won't always feel this way, and that the next few months will fly by, and SOMEHOW I will get everything done that needs to happen, and even though I feel alone, I am not. And neither are you. Virtual hugs to you all!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Survived a week of interviewing realtors, dealing with appraisal, scheduling STD test. Every week I accomplish something that will get me closer to independence.
D14 came to my house after being dropped off by H and the first thing out of her mouth was "He's so annoying!" Days later she got in an argument with him on the phone -- because he just talks and talks and never listens. This is something that's gotten worse with him over time. She complained that she didn't want him to sell the house, and I encouraged her to speak up.
She said, "He doesn't listen to me. I told him I wasn't ready for him to be dating, and he's doing it anyway." I told her that he's going to make his own choices, but it doesn't mean that she shouldn't speak up for herself and her opinions, and that to have a good relationship with her father, she will need to be able to communicate with him.
Of course, it's really hard communicating with someone who is a one-way street, and who only puts his own needs first. I'm sorry she is the one who has to deal with that. At least I will be free of him after the D. I'll have to communicate co-parenting things, but otherwise can limit contact.
It's interesting how I see him in such a different light now. I think he was probably always this person, but I wanted to see him in a positive light, and was his biggest defender. Now I look back on some of his issues with his work colleagues in a different way (and I hear stories from them as well). They see him as being, at times, officious and entitled and a poor communicator. I never thought he would turn his nastiness and officiousness toward me, but that is what I'm seeing in the dissolution process.
Here is what I have learned: if you see someone acting in a certain unattractive way toward others, understand that this behavior could easily be turned on you.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Here is what I have learned: if you see someone acting in a certain unattractive way toward others, understand that this behavior could easily be turned on you.
Yeah, huh?
This popped out at me, so I may be on the wrong track but I wanted to bring it up... Did your daughter expect that her telling her dad that she's not ready for him to date meant that he'd roll over and say he wouldn't date? Or that her telling him she didn't want him to sell the house meant he wouldn't? What do you think she expects to happen when she tries to tell her dad how she's feeling?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think she expects that he would take her feelings into consideration, or at least explain in an honest way why he is doing things counter to her requests (instead of lying). She's never been in this position before, so I can't say for sure what her expectations are.
Here's what I think: when I am ready to start dating, I will talk to her and see how she feels about it. I will be honest with her up front. If she is truly uncomfortable with the idea, I will likely wait a bit. But I will tell her that eventually I will need to move on in my romantic life. She will need to understand that there is no chance of a reconciliation between me and her dad. I've been pretty clear on that since he told us the truth about his OW.
I know lots of folks repair their marriages after infidelity, but I'll be honest -- sometimes I go to the piecing thread just to remind myself of how terrible piecing is! I'm happier on my own than limping along in a lopsided relationship devoid of trust -- with someone I no longer respect.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I know lots of folks repair their marriages after infidelity, but I'll be honest -- sometimes I go to the piecing thread just to remind myself of how terrible piecing is! I'm happier on my own than limping along in a lopsided relationship devoid of trust -- with someone I no longer respect.
I know... reading Train's and T0324's threads is more gut-wrenching than what I'm going through now. I value marriage and commitment and I agree with MWD that divorce is awful and ought to be avoided, but I also think there's a reasonable point of no return.
Quote:
Here's what I think: when I am ready to start dating, I will talk to her and see how she feels about it. I will be honest with her up front. If she is truly uncomfortable with the idea, I will likely wait a bit. But I will tell her that eventually I will need to move on in my romantic life.
I've given this some thought. Church guy stopped me to talk after Sunday school a few weeks ago and my kids came into the room after it had emptied and saw him standing there talking to me. Just a wee bit close. The look on D11's face made me feel badly (and just for the record, we weren't doing anything I wouldn't have done in front of my mother). This has not occurred since.
A friend of mine divorced about 4-5 years ago and promptly met someone she started seeing. She's still seeing him. But she only recently introduced him to her kids, like in the last 18 months or so. She said "That part of my life isn't their business." I think she was trying to protect them from instability.
I think I would do a blended approach. Date a bit without mentioning it to my kids. Introduce them to someone who's been around for a while -- but not so long as 3 years!! Ask for their feelings about all of it, but communicate that this is my life and my choices, while still taking their feelings into account. I think they can have too much input. Of course your daughter is a lot older so that would shape the plan as well.
All moot for me since no one is knocking on my door.
Did you talk to your daughter about what outcome she hoped for when she talked to her dad? To my mind, knowing what you're aiming for is a big part of deciding how to communicate.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I am sure that D14 wanted the outcome of the conversation with her dad to be "Okay I will wait to start dating." The thing is, he had moved out only a couple of months ago at that point, and we were (and still are) still married, so D14 didn't understand why dating would be appropriate. He hadn't told her the real reason he left was to be with this OW, so she didn't understand why he was in a hurry to get her blessing for dating.
So he did promise her at the time that he wouldn't be seeing anyone. A month later he told her that he was seeing someone and had been seeing her for a couple of months -- so D14 felt lied to and betrayed. So this is why she doesn't trust him.
She wants him to keep the house because her friends live in the neighborhood, and she thinks that she will lose touch with them -- she will be staying with H in the summers and holidays after we move. It's entirely up to H -- he can definitely afford the house on his own. I think the reason he'd want to give it up is to not have to face the memories, and have a new woman in a house that I chose and fixed up nearly single-handed. That's just what I suspect. At this point, though, I really don't care. He's obviously going to do what he wants, regardless of any one else's feelings.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Hi Ahoy. You sound as if your H is still Pulling your strings and I wouldn't expect anything else. I know we all have to deal with what's in front of us but I do think your ab will have a ' what have I done to my D ' moment. I can see my W having glimpses of it at the moment. I don't know if it will last but my kids are getting the benefit at the moment
I know I am no vet but I have read on here to have no expectations re the WAS. I still do that f my W but it does help to think that way.
I see you say maybe your H was always like this but I think something happens to the WAS that they disconnect from their feelings for us which for us is almost unbelievable as we knew them so well.
Hopefully your H will have a eureka moment re your D and start to treat her as he should. Not doing just as she asks but to keep her feelings in mind.
D14 came back from H's place once again crying, saying it seems he doesn't care about her, or cares more about the dog than her. I know he loves her, but he is not being sensitive to her needs, and she picks up on that. She also asked once again to move back to my home state. I told her I was working on it.
I know it's normal for teens to get frustrated with their parents, and sometimes I wonder if she complains to him about me. I try to validate her feelings without contributing any negative thoughts of my own regarding H. That's about all I can do.
Still waiting for H to return the legal papers with his adjustments. Still waiting for him to give me his tax forms. I hate having to contact him for any reason, because he can be very nasty and officious, but I think I'll need to call him today to ask him when I might expect the tax forms so that I can notify the accountant. We are almost out of time for our accountant. I feel like I have to work myself up to contact him, and I hate that sick feeling I get in the pit of my stomach beforehand and afterward. It's not that I want anything from him -- he completely repulses me at this point -- I just want this whole process to be over so that I can move on completely.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Hi Ahoy, sorry you H is still not taking his D's feelings into account as he should. Just from my own experiance with my D14, I find that even though she is a teen and can be grumpy etc, a simple word from W or a thoughtless gesture can send her off in tears for hours.
I have said before that the WAS seems like a different person and all they seem intrested in is themselves.
Again, I do see small signs with W that the fog is thinning re the kids and I hope for her and the kids sake it clears completely one day and that your H starts to have the thinning of the fog.
