hold on! - 8

[Starsky309]

I don't believe she was threatening - more telling me she thought about it. I don't know how to continue this. It's all manipulation - when I push back she out does me with things like this. (gaslighting?)

The game keeps changing - suicide now. It made me stop, pull back. I told her things that I shouldn't (I've often thought about suicide - I know it just gives my pain to those that I love so I know to look for other options).

If I'm right, you possibly save her life and the life of the mother of your children.

If you're right, worst case you've now:

a) opened up a police and most likely a medical record, which could be useful going forward; and

b) you've shown her if she's going to play that card, you're going to take it seriously. Every. Single. Time. If she's NOT serious about the threat, then you watch how quickly this will stop her from pushing THAT button again!

[u-turn]

Thanks for sharing that Starsky - yes this sounds very familiar. (obviously didn't get through your WHOLE story - man what a story!)

Had a start of a deep talk last night, but the kids know something is up an D15 sat with us for an hour wanting to kid around and be fun, which is not always like her. She stayed until after W gave up and fell asleep.

We did talk about my distrust and I asked her to see her phone.
She declined and asked if that is really what I want, that would really help.

It would. My guess is that she will give it to me tonight after she's cleaned it. Argg!! (see - there's my phone, nothing on it)

Thanks again for keeping up

[Zues126]

Uturn, I have read your sitch but this morning the details aren't all clear in my memory bank. But what I see right NOW is this:

You have a WW wife that is in an affair, is lying to you, playing you emotionally, and essentially out of control. She is addicted to OM and is grabbing at anything and everything to make her feel better. The words she is speaking will be inconsistent and irrational because she isn't operating on any type of consistent values or logic, but instead just spewing out words based on where her emotions are on her internal rollercoaster.

You, on the other hand, are reacting to each of her phases of the roller coaster like they are true or real, or as if you think she'll get off this ride because you ask her to nicely.

Cadet says to DETACH, GAL. Why are you on the roller coaster with her? I get so FRUSTRATED watching guys "have conversations" with their WW's. Why are we having conversations? You already know the script. More lying, manipulation, emotional blackmail. Seriously. What is the point?

Stop talking. Start acting. Speak through ACTIONS ONLY. If you tell her "you're done" she won't believe you anyway because the very act of TELLING HER is PROVING that you are still attached. Instead you need to pull up your pants, check your ID and remind yourself who the F you are, slap yourself in the face a few times to get fired up, and TAKE CONTROL of the situation.

Boundaries- CHECK
Detaching- CHECK
GAL- CHECK
No more conversations- CHECK

If you don't take control of the situation you're going to get run over and mowed down again and again until you feel like a pathetic victim. Don't go there any further.

[Starsky309]

We did talk about my distrust and I asked her to see her phone.
She declined and asked if that is really what I want, that would really help.

It would. My guess is that she will give it to me tonight after she's cleaned it. Argg!! (see - there's my phone, nothing on it)

Of course. If she offers, I would say "No, no need to now that you've wiped it clean. Not showing it to me when I asked you last nite told me everything I need to know, thanks."

[Starsky309]

Uturn, I have read your sitch but this morning the details aren't all clear in my memory bank. But what I see right NOW is this:

You have a WW wife that is in an affair, is lying to you, playing you emotionally, and essentially out of control. She is addicted to OM and is grabbing at anything and everything to make her feel better. The words she is speaking will be inconsistent and irrational because she isn't operating on any type of consistent values or logic, but instead just spewing out words based on where her emotions are on her internal rollercoaster.

You, on the other hand, are reacting to each of her phases of the roller coaster like they are true or real, or as if you think she'll get off this ride because you ask her to nicely.

Cadet says to DETACH, GAL. Why are you on the roller coaster with her? I get so FRUSTRATED watching guys "have conversations" with their WW's. Why are we having conversations? You already know the script. More lying, manipulation, emotional blackmail. Seriously. What is the point?

Stop talking. Start acting. Speak through ACTIONS ONLY. If you tell her "you're done" she won't believe you anyway because the very act of TELLING HER is PROVING that you are still attached. Instead you need to pull up your pants, check your ID and remind yourself who the F you are, slap yourself in the face a few times to get fired up, and TAKE CONTROL of the situation.

Boundaries- CHECK
Detaching- CHECK
GAL- CHECK
No more conversations- CHECK

If you don't take control of the situation you're going to get run over and mowed down again and again until you feel like a pathetic victim. Don't go there any further.

. . . and, "BINGO."

[u-turn]

Thank you Zues and Starsky!

I agree!
I do.
I have been riding this roller coaster by choice.
I am getting off. We are figuring out how to tell the kids.

I do know that there is no point in her showing me the phone now - it is pointless and I don't think she will even do that now. She does not want me invading her privacy even when she has had full access to everything of mine - no secrets, no hiding (kind of beside the point now though)


We are separating - and we will get distance. (I am separating as a step for divorce, she may have other ideas)

She has admitted the lies. (she says she was sparing our feeling). She just gave me the ILYB we ANIL.

She wants to physically separate too. I feel like this is a good step.

She has been blowing up my phone today and I have not responded yet and don't think I will at this point. She is sending me information about a "birds nest co-parent arrangement. Which maybe makes some sense.

Anyone ever do this? Kids stay at home all the time, parents alternate one at a time, and have small apartment somewhere else.....

Thanks again for everyone's support - I need it.

I don't think she will feel the impact of me being gone though. We would have equal kid time, but I will still be taking care the house. I don't know if we will feel separated.

[Starsky309]

Not a fan of the "birds nest" thing unless you're okay with sleeping in a small apartment that your wayward wife just used the night before for having sex with her OM.

Ewwww.

Plus, it confuses the kids.


Starsky

[u-turn]

my thoughts exactly - I'm still losing.

I just need to be away from this.

[jim0987]

U

Just my opinion but a birds nest arrangement is just enabling the affair and wont do anything for you because none of it will be your space.

Home isnt a house its a feeling and what kids need from you is a home that gives the stability and warmth not a house just because its familiar.

[u-turn]

Thanks Jim - I feel the same way. I understand the kids always stay in their bedroom but without having 3 separate residences (hers, mine and kids - sounds absurd and we cannot afford this). I think the kids are old enough to handle a real separation and divorce. I know nothing is ideal for them. I think we will all be alright.

I think W is grasping for things that will make it easier on her and may not have to admit to people that this is really happening.

I am not comfortable with this type of arrangement.