Wife left me three weeks ago!

[alpha99]

Yes, I did. Do you think that was a bad idea. I hope I was clear to her what I meant. she has been working nights all week and I wanted to mean she deserves a nice night out. I am worried I wasn't clear now. Not sleeping here tonight as I have been (2.25am as I write). It is a major worry she will meet someone whilst out. I may be biased but my wife is gorgeous. When she gets dressed ho for nights out she looks stunning. She always insists she never gets attention on girly nights out but I find that hard to believe because she dies look amazing. Being 'single' as she says she is at this point worries me she will take up some of this attention...as she has done previously with the A. She has said in recent weeks she would never just meet someone and sleep with them, that the A happened because of months of flirting at work, but at the same time she did mention the possibility 'in the future' of meeting someone else on a night out, getting to know them afterwards on dates etc and starting to see them. She said she has no plans to do that now but alcohol and dancing do strange things, right?

[Starsky309]

Yes, I think it was a horrible idea. She's out there projecting herself as a single woman, practically TELLING you she's going to cheat (again), and you're saying "have a good time -- you deserve it."

I'm speechless.

[alpha99]

Right, well I won't make that mistake again. I suppose there's nothing I can do about that now. If I do see her today I won't mention the night out or ask her how it went.

[alpha99]

I have been GAL-ing recently, although maybe I've not expressed that in previous posts. I've just got back from the gym, that's 6 times in 2 weeks now. I have also started playing guitar again, and I've made arrangement to meet friends for the first time since split. I have been out for a family meal with parents and sisters, and I have spent time alone with my children. I feel infinitely better in just the space of a few short weeks. Of course there's a gnawing feeling inside because of the situation but it is starting to feel a manageable pain rather than an all encompassing one, as it was in the first few weeks since split.

[alpha99]

W just called. She wanted to know if I still wanted to take children out. I said yes but not sure what time. She said she had things to do. I said I'd let her know in 30 minutes exactly what time. W called back 10 minutes later demanding to know what I was doing and told me I would have to leave taking the kids out as she had things to do and would be out for hours. In the previous sentence she said all she had to do was go to the supermarket. She is clearly on a power trip at the moment. I didn't respond negatively, as hard as it was not to, but just said, ok, that's fine. Have a nice afternoon. It's really sad not to see my children today but I guess once the novelty of her looking after them all the time wears off and her parents get tired of helping out then things will change. It does feel a bit of a blow though as the kids would have enjoyed an afternoon at the fair and now they will just get to go to a supermarket.

[Starsky309]

Affairs are fueled by entitlement, and unfortunately your "have a good time, you deserve it" comment yesterday only threw more fuel on those ugly flames.

You should have posted "I didn't respond rudely, but I calmly told her that 30 minutes is not an unreasonable amount of time to ask for to get back to her, and in any event I didn't appreciate her speaking to me so rudely. "

Crap behavior is crap behavior, and you need to call her on it. Otherwise, she's going to keep doing it (and maybe worse).

Starsky

[alpha99]

Thanks for the advice. W has just called asking if I wanted to take kids out after all. I said yes. She said she might do extra work tonight and I should be having them at least once a week over night. To this point she has bot wanted me to have them but now she might be working all of a sudden she does. Based on your post above I'm considering calling back and saying the weather is bad, I'm busy, and I can't have them. I'm not sure really what to do.

[Starsky309]

Alpha, it's high time you stood up to your wife and I'll be the first and loudest one advocating it. But logistics about your KIDS isn't the first (ever?) hill you want to fight on.

"Of course, you know I love spending as much time with them as possible. For their stability and sense of security, I think you'd agree we should plan out their schedules for the week as far in advance as possible. Maybe you can suggest a schedule going forward and I'll take a look at it?"

Btw, are you sure this is work-related?

Starsky

[alpha99]

Hi Starksy,

Since your message before quite a lot has happened. I did call my wife back and say that I couldn't mind the children. The reasons I gave was that she has messed me around all day, saying I couldn't have the kids, then I could, then I had to mind them because she wanted to work. I said that I wouldn't be dictated to and be expected to look after the kids at the drop of a hat when she wouldn't let me look after them for the last three weeks. She of course was fuming, saying that she would never ask me for anything ever again, saying that she would take them to school and pick them up all week. Ironically she said she doesn't want to be dictated to by me over when I will help with the kids but as I pointed out to her she was doing exactly that by saying that I wouldn't have to pick the kids up all week. I said that this wasn't fair and I would be picking the kids up at certain times. On the phone she said she was glad that she never took me back as well as saying that I could f*ck off etc. When I said that I still wanted to see the kids today despite not taking them out tonight she said I could do whatever I wanted, she wasn't interested.

I said I would be up to see the kids in the next 30 minutes. I went up there to see the kids. Her father was watching football on the TV and didn't want me in the living room. I had to stand in the back garden playing with the children in the rain. After about 15 minutes of this I thought it was ridiculous that I'm standing in the back garden in the rain with my kids because they don't want me in the house. I asked my 6 year old son to go and get his mum as I wasn't allowed in the house. She came out and I said I was going because this was ridiculous. She said I could come and stand in the kitchen with the children if I wanted to. I was calm throughout and said I didn't want to, this was ridiculous, and that I was sorry that I visited today. At this point she said she didn't want to be dictated to by me, that she needed to work to earn money for her new house, and that she wasn't earning as much as expected from her new cut down work schedule. I pointed out that this was all her decision, that I wanted to help with the kids, but that I could not be the on call, drop of a hat babysitter whenever she decided last minute to have a change of plans. She was fuming. She can't seem to see things from anything other than I am doing this to stab her in the back and make her suffer point of view.

She has said that in future she will schedule her work around when her parents are able to mind the kids. I said again that I would mind them but I needed a bit more notice. She said she'd never ask me for anything again. My son was crying as I left because he didn't want me to go and he was happy playing with me. I feel bad about that and I don't ever want to upset my children. I do think you are right though, that I need to set some boundaries with my wife. I cannot be just someone who is a phone call away from doing whatever suits her. She wouldn't let me take them earlier in the week because she thought I might not bring them back. Now that she has planned night outs and extra work all of a sudden I am their dad and I must have them tonight because she has to work.

So things have taken a turn for the worse today. I think that there will be some short term fall out from this. Hopefully nothing too bad that I can recover from. Her current very angry personality means that any action at all taken by myself that does not comply with her wishes is an attempt to 'stab her in the back'. She accused me of recording the whole conversation on my phone. I showed her that my phone battery had died. She accused me of being too calm and couldn't understand why I wasn't fighting for the kids. Again, I explained that fighting wouldn't solve our problems. Finally, she claimed that I had been taking advice from my parents (particularly my father who she really doesn't like) and that I had a secret motive for being so calm since in the past when we have argued months ago I had said that I would make sure that I had the kids should we split because I was better at looking after them. This does ring true because upon picking the kids up this week for school they haven't been washed properly, had sleep in their eyes, said they were hungry, and also not worn appropriate clothing for the winter weather we're having here.

I am thinking of sending a text to her just to clarify my position now that a few hours have passed by. The message would be along the lines of 'Hi W, I just want to say that of course I would mind the kids and help you out wherever possible with them. You had messed me around today over child arrangements and I can't look after them last minute at the drop of a hat...or words to that effect.

What do you all think? Is this a wise move. I can imagine her reply back with a short, swift text of abuse but I would like it to be known that I am not abandoning my kids or whatever else of this ridiculous nature she might currently think. Isn't it amazing how someone you love, and who has loved you for so long, can behave in such a way?

Fortunately I have read about 180s and not to believe all of what they say and half of what they do. It did really hurt when my wife said on the phone earlier that she was so glad that she didn't take me back. Having done some reading though I have learnt not to take this to heart. She is just angry. I love my wife and kids and I have the stamina to work on this for however long it takes to hopefully turn things around.

[alpha99]

Wow, things are moving quickly. Wife has just called and asked if I could come and collect her so she could go through our things and decide what she wants to take with her to her parents' house and then on to her own new rented place once she gets one. I start out to go and get her, and then she calls to say not to bother as her mother won't mind the kids. So I've come home again. I don't want to sell the house but I can't afford to live there alone either.

Edit to Starksy: Yes, I am sure that this was a genuine work related issue. I have no idea if my wife is still continuing on with the OM but I do know that she has worked all week and is staying with her parents, has had the children and so doing anything else would have been a struggle. She was out last night with a mum from the school and who knows what she got up to then, but I am not going to speculate on that as it's not healthy is it.