So I did send her a message this morning wishing her well today on her surgery and told her i knew was nervous but everything would be ok. I am worried about her high platelette count that she needs to go see dr. tomorrow for. I looked it up and it can be a symptom of ovarian cancer which has me worried. I know she is no longer my W as such but I still love and care for her. I don't want her to know I'm worried and I know I need to keep a distance, I just know if all goes to sh*t with her health I would still be there for her if she wanted to make a commitment to us. I realize it's a pipe dream and i need to continue to work on what I can control...the health scare just gets me thinking I guess. True love doesn't care about illness or external beauty.
M: 44 W: 45 Married 26 Together 28 D: 22, S: 18, S: 9, D: 7 S: 12/2013, seperate houses OM revealed first 10/2013, stopped seeing him OM revealed 1/2015, been going on for quite some time
She sent me pics of the stitches on her nose and cheek where they removed the skin cancer. It is so hard for me to not be near her and comfort her. i have to restrain myself to not ask to see her. Then it becomes easier when I realize she has someone else right now.
M: 44 W: 45 Married 26 Together 28 D: 22, S: 18, S: 9, D: 7 S: 12/2013, seperate houses OM revealed first 10/2013, stopped seeing him OM revealed 1/2015, been going on for quite some time
Keep your head up Vdubber, she sounds like she wants you in her life...on her terms only. I am dealing with the same thing with my WAW, it's absolutely heart wrenching watching my kids go through this and it's also killing me.
Hang in there.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
Out GAL today. Took kids to get hot chocolate, went to a couple stores, and currently spending a few hours at a big play center place where they have been doing laser tag. A bit tough on me as I look around and see all of these families and the moms and dad's together holding hands. Saddens me that those days are over....at least for for as long as I can see.
She was supposed to go to dr. today to talk about results of the high platelette count. I am worried about her health and the way she drinks 7 days a week I fear for her long term health. I know it shouldn't be my concern as it's her life but I still feel responsibility and dedication to take care of her..although I no longer can and have been laid off from that job...got the dreaded pink slip if you will.
Last night we had a message exchange. She said she lives day to day with no expectations. She said she will always love me. How does one tell you they will always love you, yet make it clear you are done and have OM EA/PA in their life?
She had told me a few weeks ago that she had to either be an individual or die and she was choosing herself. I don't understand how she views loving me and a R together as her not being able to be an individual but this is clearly how she feels. I wish she thought about me and missed me the way I miss her.
Ok...I need to try to block it out and get back to enjoying my kids..they are having a blast and it makes me feel good to see them so happy.
M: 44 W: 45 Married 26 Together 28 D: 22, S: 18, S: 9, D: 7 S: 12/2013, seperate houses OM revealed first 10/2013, stopped seeing him OM revealed 1/2015, been going on for quite some time
Vdub, I totally understand the frustration about the whole "choosing themselves" bit. It happened in my sitch too. Also my XW and I got together when she was young too. It has a lot to do w/the whole movie/romance novel "love" that is peddled to women and it makes those not grounded in reality susceptible to it. It's a perfect storm. They look around and say, I'm not getting what I want so it must be H' s fault. Make no mistake, we all do our part to make it a attractive option, but in most cases it's really not about us. So there is nothing you can do FOR HER! But you can do something FOR YOU-be the best person you can be, cause it's the right thing to do anyways.
Praying for you!
Last edited by bravo61; 02/28/1511:19 PM.
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
I agree Bravo. There is nothing I can do for her. I need to work on my detaching. I felt I was starting to do pretty well and then the messaging last few days about her health issues got me thinking of her alot. She did message me tonight to let me know she saw doctor for the high platelette issue and she will be fine, just needs to take medicine for a couple weeks for blood thinning. I just said ok thank you for letting me know.
I know I have all the time I need to get myself where I need to be and it's a slow go. I will maintain hope but do not have expectations, those have died off. If she fixes some of her issues and wants to talk I will address it at that time but feel right now the chances of that are on part with winning the lottery or getting struck by lightning.
My D22 is leaving Monday to Cancun with her grandma so I am excited for her. I went and bought her a suitcase today and she's coming by tonight to get it. I will miss her while she's gone as she messages or calls me daily. It feels good to have a close relationship with her and I do my best to give her good guidance while letting her make her own choices and learn from them good or bad. She's turning out to be quite a good hearted woman and it warms my heart to see.
Tomorrow with kids and then I won't have them for a week. I always have a much harder time when they aren't around...too much time to think.
M: 44 W: 45 Married 26 Together 28 D: 22, S: 18, S: 9, D: 7 S: 12/2013, seperate houses OM revealed first 10/2013, stopped seeing him OM revealed 1/2015, been going on for quite some time
Out to breakfast with kids. Gonna do my best to stay busy today. Did too much thinking last night. I did read some more DR this morning...found myself cheating and reading ahead to the MLC/WAW chapter. It is difficult to accept she as I knew her is gone but it's absolutely true that the woman I see now is nothing like the woman I married and knew for the first 23 or so years of our relationship. I still wonder if she will ever return to her or more like who she was. If not I suspect she will have a tough life the way she is choosing to live it the past couple years.
I find myself wondering how it's possible to ever imagine yourself in a relationship again. I don't want one now, just miss the companionship and affection but this is my life right now. I truly can't imagine ever knowing someone the way I knew her. We grew up together, we knew everything about each other. I was hers and she was mine, we were one before our time. I understand the need for us to become individuals but struggle that she couldn't see a way to do that in our M. I believe you become like those you hang out with. Your beliefs, your values...hers certainly changed in this regard. After all, who wants a H when all your new bar friends are single and care free. I do also believe your choices in life have a way of catching up to you.
Ok that's my morning rant. As you can see I'm still somewhat angry and hope that subsides.
M: 44 W: 45 Married 26 Together 28 D: 22, S: 18, S: 9, D: 7 S: 12/2013, seperate houses OM revealed first 10/2013, stopped seeing him OM revealed 1/2015, been going on for quite some time
Hi VDubber - I know that temptation to skip ahead....but don't get caught up in thinking....if only she were this or that. You are partly responsible for the demise of your M and the rest of the book may really help with that...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
We often get got up in what we pictured or hoped our ex spouse would be. It is learning to accept that this is not a real picture. Accepting what is instead of what could be. It may not be the way it could be or the way it should be it is what it is.
Letting go does not equal not caring. We only have control over ourselves and our own choices. We are all walking our own path and have lessons to learn. Some get stuck and keep repeating the same mistakes.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
She was supposed to go to dr. today to talk about results of the high platelette count. I am worried about her health and the way she drinks 7 days a week I fear for her long term health. I know it shouldn't be my concern as it's her life but I still feel responsibility and dedication to take care of her..although I no longer can and have been laid off from that job...got the dreaded pink slip if you will.
Of course you are concerned about her health. She is the love of your life, and will always be the mother of your children. I hope you can continue to care about her welfare, b/c if you get to place you are totally unconcerned, I don't think that is healthy for you.
I know this must cause you to feel so helpless. We can experience this even when our S lives with us and there are no M problems. I have had to live with that myself with my grown child and my H. We have no control over how they choose to address their health issues. We can try to encourage or even get upset with them, but at the end of the day, it's up to them.
You still feel a responsibility to her b/c that is part of the H's role, right? You protect, provide, love, and take care of her. She has chosen to remove herself from under that umbrella she had in the MR with you. It will take time before you stop feeling it as part of your job as her H. Make sense?
Quote:
Last night we had a message exchange. She said she lives day to day with no expectations. She said she will always love me. How does one tell you they will always love you, yet make it clear you are done and have OM EA/PA in their life?
It goes back to that connection you had together while you were M and raising a family. She doesn't feel "in love" with you, but she loves you like a dear relative. Sorry, I know that isn't what you want to hear, but that's what she means. Her "love" for you is not enough to draw her back into a life with you. She is making a conscious decision to make a new life independent from a life shared with you.
And a whole lot of what she says is simply script.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
