Newbie needs advice and encouragement

[Kramer]

I can't seem to find that article.

How do I find Starsky or Train?

[Sotto]

Have a look on the infidelity area of the site, Starsky and Train post there often. I know Starsky has posted today. If you find a post of his, click on Starsky in the top left hand corner, and from the drop down box you can view all his posts.

As for the article, I'm not sure on that one I'm afraid, but someone else may chime in. As for your question - is there hope? Well, you already know that most affairs don't last and that most M's survive them. So, yes there's hope.

But, one quote that stayed with me about this site is - hardly any sitches get resolved in less than 9 months, and most take much longer. So, for now, your faith needs to be a longer term thing....this is a marathon, not a sprint.

[Sherman333]

I became emotionally distant and became silent and moody. I would go off by myself during arguments and teenager fights. We slept in the same bed, but our physical relations dwindled significantly. We still said “I love you”, but it was a quick mumble and peck on the cheek sort of thing.

Just read your thread. The quote above sounds completely familiar.

I to would be extremely interested in the article on winning your WAW back by being her friend.

[Zelda09]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_while_spouse_decides.htm

So much of the good advice here is geared to LRT and going dark. I think this is a nice example that sometimes...after some space FIRST...there is room to love at a respectful-to-yourself kind of distance.

My sitch was nothing like this but I kept coming back to this man's account and the story of Carol and Dean in DR to see how to love through anger.

[Kramer]

Newest update:

STBXW supposedly has a place and has move in date of March 1. She is still spending weekends with her boyfriend, including this weekend. She has a few boxes packed, but I'm not sure how or when she is actually going to move. I mentioned earlier that her 17 year old son will live with her. The 19 year old twins have moved out and her 23 year old son wants nothing to do with her. Her 18 year old niece is disgusted with her, and will live with me. I have decided to stay in our old house when my STBXW leaves. I'm staying with a friend now.

I still have yet to be served divorce papers, although there is a process server calling me, so I know they are coming. Papers were filed by her on January 9, and I believe she only has 60 days to serve them in California before they expire.

Even though I'm staying in the house when she leaves, I don't trust her. When she was at work, I hired movers to take the furniture that we had agreed would be mine, and placed it in storage. I also withdrew half of the March rent from our joint account and paid the rent. When I had mentioned getting my own place last month, she was adamant that we were both on the lease at our house and each obligated to pay half the rent until lease expires. Therefore, that same thing holds true if she decides to move, right? Once I change the lease over to my name only, I will pay the total amount. That is currently in the works.

I worry that the above measures come across as controlling and vindictive. In other circumstances, I may even agree. However, she has filed divorce and is moving out AND still with OM. therefore I feel a need to protect my finances and assets. Am I wrong?

[Starsky309]

No, you're not wrong. In fact you are absolutely right. You are merely playing wise defense, and protecting yourself. Legally, financially, emotionally -- time to button them all up.

Have you seen an atty yet, or are you waiting to be served?


Starsky

[Starsky309]

I became emotionally distant and became silent and moody. I would go off by myself during arguments and teenager fights. We slept in the same bed, but our physical relations dwindled significantly. We still said “I love you”, but it was a quick mumble and peck on the cheek sort of thing.

Just read your thread. The quote above sounds completely familiar.

I to would be extremely interested in the article on winning your WAW back by being her friend.

I have personally never seen this approach work when there is an active, unrepentant affair involved. To me, it doesn't even jibe with everything else that MWD teaches -- is love to ask her about it. Strong boundaries and GAL, 180s, cleaning up your own side of the street. That's what works.

Starsky

[Kramer]

No, you're not wrong. In fact you are absolutely right. You are merely playing wise defense, and protecting yourself. Legally, financially, emotionally -- time to button them all up.

Have you seen an atty yet, or are you waiting to be served?


Starsky

I have spoke with attorney but not yet retained one. Our case would be rather straightforward in that we don't have children together and do not own any property. Our bills will be split 50/50, as will our assets. She is trying to guilt me into taking the majority of the bills, and conveniently "forgot" to list her $200k 403b assets for retirement. She wants us each to keep our own retirements and says that we can do everything on our own without attorneys. Obviously, she is hoping that I just give in to keep the peace, but that's not gonna happen. Especially with her in an ongoing affair.

[Starsky309]

Who makes more money? How many years is considered a "long-term marriage" in you state?

[Kramer]

We both make the same per month. Not sure about long term criteria.