Zelda (is this a turn around?)

[Zelda09]

V, I'm actually cracking up laughing. Thank heavens for all of you.

Elsa, true. There are bigger goals here. Susanna, yeah - H household was food insecure. No thank you, I'll be just fine if H doesn't come asking mother may I every time he wants to eat.

He walked into the kitchen as I was taking the note out and gave me a strange look. It was a strange Cracker Jack prize to be pulling out. I held up my message in a bottle (ziplock) and said, "hey I was going to be a passive aggressive pain in the ass, thought better of it." He gave me a high five, I threw it away. We had a 30" convo and he started something new - joking with me. Joking. Whoa! He was parodying his old self, like making fun of a reaction I totally would have expected. We were laughing (huge 180 for both of us) I asked him if he wanted to have sex. The end.

Seriously, why am I being so petty?
Yeah, I worry it's indicative of larger appeasement/jackal nice guy issues but that doesn't give me a right to be so...stupid. This is my H and he is trying in all the really hard ways right now. Why does my own head keep getting in the way.

I had a really tough morning actually. Over mimosas my friend told me that my closest friend for 15 years - her husband has been all over Match. Like he's not even being sneaky about it. She passed the ball to me, and I called her. In her case, better than a visit. I was gentle, breezy, gave her room to play it off and then get curious and upset. I wanted to be so much more aggressive about how wrong it was, but held back. My values, not hers. She's all like, I don't think he's unhappy, why is he doing this? And what I've learned on these boards...couldn't even come up with much for her. "Maybe see this as a symptom he's not getting what he wants. If he's looking, for whatever reason, probably something you guys can talk about. Promise you won't go off on him without finding out what he has to say? I like him, he's not a bad guy, but I'll help you bury the body if you need that." I just felt so bad. I know my friend and she's embarrassed, not to mention struggling with 1 yo, baby weight gain, a demanding career, trying to be supportive as her H launched biz, just trying to hold a lot together. Crap.

[Zelda09]

Bill Burr "let it Go" on Netflix, I laughed so hard it was like the kind of laughing where you don't know if you'll breathe again. Highly recommending it!

[Sotto]

Zelda - good for you.....I'm glad icecreamgate was averted!

[susana4]

Crisis averted, well done Z! I know it's hard putting your feelings aside but this is great progress and I think it is worth it.

See, we can each have our "well at least he doesn't" moments, at least your H doesn't play mother may I with his snacks, and I am telling myself as annoying as that is at least my H doesn't eat my ice cream. :P

Laughter's so important and healing - well done for joking with H! That's great!

Bill Burr - thanks for the recommendation, might have to watch that later when I'm having my "susana" night tonight.

I'm so sorry about your friend. The good thing is you are in a position/have the knowledge to help her, and she's lucky to have you. Maybe you could recommend DB/DR to her, or give her a copy of the book? It sounds like she's not necessarily in a position where he's having an EA yet, but still it would be good for her I think. One of my friends came to me for advice recently telling me she was having an EA and wanted out. it was really hard because I never would have expected it from her, and reading everyone's sitches on these boards it's easy sometimes to think of the WAW/WAH as someone bad when really they're just confused. It really hit home the whole not having their needs met thing though, my friend seriously did not realise she was getting into an EA, it's just her partner's been spending all his time on work lately while she's been going through a tough time and she felt she had no one to talk to. I'd say your friend's H must be missing out on some needs. Perhaps she could read 5LL (or I've also heard His Needs, Her Needs is good for A situations)? She's lucky to have you as her friend, you've got a lot of resources and knowledge to help her!

[Vanilla]

Z

Crisis averted, but do buy the ice scream!

V

[Zelda09]

Good day. He's been so much more thoughtful in how he says things to me. I'm encouraged. Very happy how this is going. He managed to slide reassurances about the future we're building and calling me my his last name (ours) affectionately.

My challenge for two weeks - keep me honest-

Just BE.
Just BE with him.

I still catch myself laying in bed with him, all my energies directed and wrapped around him. Even if my eyes are closed and we're not talking. Not good. This is not lovers attention, this is uncentered.

This is going to sound like a nutball thing to say but I've been trying to pull those energies back into myself and I swear he can feel the shift even when my body doesn't move. He seems to put the phone away, move closer, and I feel him shift to me.

The work on 'self' goes on.

2 weeks. Nothing else needs to 'happen' or be directed. Kids convo is up ahead but not until we have that space first. Been exhausting lately, for both of us I think. We deserve rest.

[susana4]

Sounds like a good plan, Z. Keep us updated on how it is just 'being' and we'll try and keep you on track!

Interesting thoughts here--


This is going to sound like a nutball thing to say but I've been trying to pull those energies back into myself and I swear he can feel the shift even when my body doesn't move. He seems to put the phone away, move closer, and I feel him shift to me.

I have noticed something like this, when I'm thinking "oh my god why don't you want to be with me?!" H seems less keen to be around me. When I think along the lines of "you're a fool if you DON'T want to be with me" H seems more flirtatious and closer.

How do you consciously pull the energy back into yourself? I struggle with that personally.

[susana4]

And important question for Z: did you get more ice cream?

[Zelda09]

Lol, I did not get more ice cream. But will do something to surprise him I suppose.

Susana- I pretend he is not in the room, or next to me. Not cold, just positively self-involved and focused on my thoughts and day dreams. That's all, or even just as simple as focusing on my breath, the feelings in my toes. Boy, you're all going to get to know what a weirdo I am.

I wasn't going to post about this little bump in the road but might as well.
17 hour work day began at 3am and it was very physical in between several meetings with vendors and clients, moving furniture out of 10,000 square feet, covered in microscopic rat poop. Got home late and the cat peed outside of her litterbox, so I'm naked trying to get myself sanitized and into the shower, asked H for rags to clean it up...somewhere in there he managed to sound aggravated at me. I just finally felt like a very sad, tired woman in the shower. I'd been so excited to be done with the day and was looking forward to seeing him.

I got out and said, "are you ok? Is anything bothering you?"
"Noooo I don't think so."
"It sounds like you're aggravated with me. Thought I heard you snap at me."
"Didn't mean to...Are you ok?"
"Yes. But."
And he threw his 7' wingspan open and said, "come here. It's ok."
And I'm in his arms bc as awful and sad as I felt I wasn't going to turn that down, so I tell him how I was just hoping he'd be excited to see me like I was him, and I got met with all this irritation at the end of a hard day."
He said gently enough, "sounds familiar, doesn't it. I understand." (Me, barking at him whenever I used to come home). And he just stroked my hair, told me it was ok," look! Here, I am, I made you cookies and I love you.)

This is not the Just BE I wanted. But I am happy how I handled by asking him where it was coming from instead of re-acting. I'm happy it was a 2' thing and not a Thing. It's been years since I got that kind of reassurance from him, so that's happy. We went on with our night like all is well.

[susana4]

Zelda, that makes sense actually. Well, to me anyway. And is an interesting idea I might try. Just re-centering thoughts in yourself.

Aw, that is great! Well done for not just blowing up, or falling into old habits. I totally get why you were annoyed in that situation, I think I would have been too. And it's especially hard not to slip into old habits when you're so exhausted and frustrated from a difficult day. So it's a really good sign you were able to pull yourself back from that...your changes look like they are lasting ones! Keep doing what you're doing.