Sometimes lately, I wonder if I set the bar too low in my marriage. I never expected to be happy all the time. I always expected there to be rough patches and low points. And I think that made me too accepting when things started to go south.
And here's where I struggle a bit. When did things really go bad? STBX had started to emotionally disconnect a bit from the time he became a cop. He formed these really intense friendships with his fellow officers and that seemed to chip away at our bond a bit. But I still have to say we were happy.Things really got bad when he started the first affair. It was like a light switch went off - the change in his behavior was so dramatic. As it happened - this coincided with the decision to move out here - so I attributed all the weird behavior towards all the stressors associated with that move (and who knows - the affair and the move may be related). I guess I put up with all that weirdness for way too long, because I thought all marriages go through rough patches. Every once in a while I would ask him what was wrong and he always said work/sleep etc. And STBX never once said "I am unhappy and this isn't working for me" until the day he left.
You know, I'm a major old movie buff. One of my favorites is "The Best Years of Our Lives". There's a scene where the adult daughter is contemplating becoming an OW, and while she tries to explain herself to her parents, she accuses them of having it easy and of always having been crazy about each other. And Myrna Loy tells her how untrue that is, about how many times they said "I hate you" to one another and really thought they meant it, and all the times she thought about leaving. But they got through it all.
I'm embarrassed to admit this, but maybe I just assumed that we would naturally fall into being Myrna Loy and Frederic March in a piece of fiction.
Oh raliced, honey, me too. My H never said he was unhappy until BD. During our failed M counseling attempts I pointed out that he never expressed his unhappiness, and he said he had, that he's complained about my closet. And that's true, he did. I just never realized that a closet was D material. Some where there was a major disconnect between him saying, "gee your closet is kind of messy" and "I'm so unhappy that I'm thinking of leaving".
I always thought that no matter what happened, NO MATTER WHAT, we were committed to each other and would make it through. Fiction? Apparently.
STBX dropped off D6. Afterwards she announced that "Daddy said the reason he doesn't live here is that you got into a big fight and that he liked the old house (in Iowa), but you hated it". Also "Daddy says he still likes you but that you don't like him anymore".
This is just a flat out lie (well except for the part about me not liking him- it's certainly true at the moment).
For the record. Neither of us was from Iowa - I was transferred there for work in 2004. It was always supposed to be a temporary thing and we would eventually move closer to family. When we made the decision - he did seem unhappy about it. I vividly remember asking him "STBX - Is this going to make you miserable? Because if it is, it's not worth it - I can be happy here and he said "No - he just wanted to get us where we were going".
You know - if it made him that unhappy he could have, I don't know, said something. And now to tell this to our 6 year old so that he won't look like a bad guy? And sure- I'm aware that I might have gotten a distorted story from D6 - but she didn't pull those specifics out of the air.
I am really, really pi***d off. I'm not going to do anything until I calm down - but man I really, really want to call him out.
Yep, my H says stuff like that occasionally, although not on that kind of scale.
About two weeks after he moved out, he came in the house when I wasn't there and took a piece off my wall, which is now hanging in his apartment. Had he asked I would have given it to him, but he just took it and left my wall empty and never said a word. Later, he told D12 that I never liked the piece, that's the reason I had "put it in the corner" and that I would never notice it was missing. All untrue.
Last week for some reason D17 and H were talking about vegetables. H likes his broccoli cooked into grey mush, everyone else in the house prefers it oven roasted. Sometimes I'd use one one method, sometimes I'd use the other. H told D17 that because I didn't cook the veggies into grey mush every time that I never cared what he thought. Wow, nevermind that there are four other people who won't eat their dinner that night, it's all about how I didn't care about him. It's broccoli, for goodness sake!
The saving grace is that the kids will figure it all out on their own eventually, when they get old enough. At the end of D17's story, she added that dad was a (unkind name for a birch tree).
raliced, what he is doing is typical -- he has to create a narrative for himself and your D6 in which he is not the bad guy. It's typical narcissism. He wants what he wants, and is going to pursue it at everyone else's expense, but godforbid anyone points a finger at him. She he has to come up with REASONS. And his reasons are ridiculous. Mine had similar reasons, such as me not throwing enough parties. Seriously? It will always be something: broccoli, parties, houses in Iowa. But the bottom line is that it was him and his crummy choices and his desire to have an affair. That is the real reason. Don't listen or take seriously the rest of his baloney. A mature person, when unhappy, will have an honest conversation about it with the spouse, not run off with someone else and then come up with excuses after the fact.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I know this is standard stuff, and I guess I should have expected it. However, I am really surprised that I am still this angry, almost three days later.
He could only leave me once, be revealed to be living with the OW once, but I guess I am rankled at the thought of him potentially badmouthing me and misrepresenting things to our children for....how many years?
Still am not calm enough to address it - that is not like me.
Hi Raliced, My W has completely thrown me under the bus to my ILs. I can only guess what she is going to say to my children to save face. My IC calls it narrative building. There are days when I experience a lot of anxiety about it. It is really a reflection of my own insecurity. i.e what if they buy her story? Other days I don't sweat it because I know that I am taking the high ground and no matter what, I can fall back on that. I struggle a lot, but do better when I take my currently very fragile ego out of it. I can't control what WAW says, let alone what she does. However, the more she badmouths me, the pettier and more defensive she will look. Kids will see right through it. It is all part of the detachment process for me. Don't sweat it. The advice you gave me early on was spot on and you are number one in my book. RAI
It's hard to let things like that go -- and to let go of the anger. But it serves you no good. You won't be able to control what he says or does, or what he is telling people. The people who know and love you will know the truth, and that's all that matters. Keep taking the high road.
In my case, I've made a boundary with my D14 that I don't discuss H's private life, nor do I wish to hear about it. That includes what he thinks of me. There is just nothing productive to be gained, and my daughter knows the truth anyway and will make her own decisions about the situation. But your kids are younger, so it's a trickier scenario. It may be that you'll have to address some of their questions about what happened to the marriage at a later date, when they ask and are ready to hear the truth and understand it.
The bottom line is that you know the truth. Don't let him rattle you with his nonsense.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
