I have been reading through everybody's posts and trying to use their experiences in order to help my own situation, but would like to make my own post and hope for advice.
Like everybody else, my story is quite similar. My wife and I married 16 years ago, and have been together for 17 years. We were platonic friends at work for 3 years prior to that. During our friendship, we were both in marriages and it was strictly friendship. We eventually both found ourselves single, and started going out, and married shortly thereafter. At the time, I had 4 children from a previous marriage, who spent most of the time with their mother, but I had them on weekends and during summer. My wife had 4 children of her own, including a 3 month old when we first got together. We eventually ended up adopting her niece when she was 4 years old. Our house was chaotic, but filled with love.
We did just fine for the first 14 years. My children all got married and had children of their own, and we transitioned from parents to being Papi and Mimi to 6 grandchildren. She was an awesome mother and grandmother, and my children grew quite close to her, even more so than their own birth mother.
We had the typical bumps in the road, but I thought that our relationship was strong and could weather any storm. We travelled with family, and also took vacations with just the 2 of us, and we were very happy together.
A few years ago, there were a series of legal issues involving her children. They also became quite disrespectful toward us as well as drug and alcohol use. She is a non-confrontational person, and I was put in the role of disciplinarian. As one might expect, that compounded the issue and caused resentment amongst the children and I. Through it all, I was there for her as a stabilizing force and sat through many court appearances with her. During this same time frame, we lost our house because of poor financial planning and living beyond our means. I was the one responsible for finances in our relationship, so the primary blame falls on my shoulders. Before we knew it, we were both working 2 jobs to pay for legal bills, living expenses, and trying to keep up with the Jones’. I mention all of this because I think that is when our relationship began to slide.
We began to bicker back and forth, and stopped talking and communicating like we had in the past. If I’m being fair, I became emotionally distant and became silent and moody. I would go off by myself during arguments and teenager fights. We slept in the same bed, but our physical relations dwindled significantly. We still said “I love you”, but it was a quick mumble and peck on the cheek sort of thing. Through all of this, we still continued joking and making plans for the future, and I thought that it was just a rough patch that we would eventually get through.
Fast forward to October 2014. Things started getting very different at that time. She would become condescending and sarcastic during talks, and started picking fights. We had been driving to work together for a while and had always used that time to catch up on each other’s lives. Now, it was a 40 minute ride of silence with just the radio on. I tried to have an honest talk about feelings with her, and told her that I was miserable with the way things were. She became quite tearful and withdrawn, and refused to talk further. She said that she felt betrayed and that she had thought I was happy, and now she was sad that she could not make me happy. I tried to explain to her that I was expressing an honest feeling, but wanted to fix things to make our relationship better. I had hoped that this revelation would allow us to address our issues, but instead it was the beginning of the end.
After that conversation, things went rapidly downhill. She started spending more time texting and emailing on her phone, and became quite secretive about who she was talking to. She said it was work related, but this was definitely a change from the past 15 years. She would sit on the couch and not interact with any of us all night, and wouldn’t come to bed until late at night. She got a new work phone, and would not give anybody her new number (because it was strictly for work). She started going out with friends late at night, and we stopped driving to work together. She changed her phone passcode. These were all red flag behaviors, but I trusted my wife completely. I knew that theses were signs of an affair, but there was no way that MY wife could be having an affair.
Things progressed like this through Thanksgiving, and all of a sudden there were numerous holiday work parties that she had to attend alone. By this point, I had been asking her about an affair, and of course she told me that I was just being paranoid and silly. I finally pulled her aside on 12/15/14 and told her that I wanted answers. That was the day that she told me ILYBINILWY. I was flabbergasted. I knew that we were having problems, but I had no idea that her feelings had changed. I swore that I would change and do whatever it took to improve things. She again denied an affair. Things improved somewhat after that point. We cuddled in bed and held hands, but still no physical relations. We went to a few work parties together, but she also went to some by herself. She would also be gone all day and turn her phone off, telling me that she just needed space. We made it through Christmas and had our traditional family Christmas party at our house with 30 people. As always, I decorated, planned, and cooked the entire meal. My heart was heavy but I wanted to make it a special time for everybody.
Our original plan was to go to Oregon to see my kids and grandchildren for a week, leaving the day after Christmas. She told me that she needed some space and that I should go by myself. I reluctantly did so. She wanted me to avoid communicating with her, again because she “needed space”.
While in Oregon, I decided that I had to find out once and for all what was going on. I investigated cell phone records, Facebook posts, and used the “Find My Iphone” app. And of course, I verified my suspicions that she was having an affair. I sent her and OM an email on New Years Eve that I had discovered their affair. She sent back a short message that she needed to be happy, and a superficial apology. I came home the next day and we had a lengthy conversation about the previous 2 months. She initially called it an “affair of the heart”, but eventually admitted to a physical affair. I expressed my desire to try to get past this and make things work, and took responsibility for the emotional neglect that pushed her into this. I also made it a point to inform my kids, her kids, and her parents about this affair. I did not want to be made out to be the bad person in this. Everything that I had read about an affair advised to remove the secrecy shroud, and that’s exactly what I did. As you can imagine, she was not happy about this, and accused me of turning everybody against her. I told her that I was willing to make things work despite her actions, but she got mad and said that she was going to stay with him and that we needed to get a divorce. I told her that if she wanted a divorce, then she could file because I would not.
She gave me the typical story about it “just happened”, but I had access to her Facebook messages, and those told a much different story. They started talking in September, had a few lunch dates in early October, and became physical in late October. There were literally thousands of messages and hundreds of minutes of phone calls. The conversations went quickly from talking about marital problems to expressions of true love, finding her soul mate, and plans for springing a divorce on me after the holidays. There were multiple dates and hookups, sometimes occurring just down the street from our house. I was portrayed as insensitive, unloving, and cruel. There were numerous jokes and jabs about how they were doing all of this under my nose. Very hurtful.
The most hurtful thing, however, was her undergoing a hysterectomy with him at her side. She is a nurse and I am a PA, and we knew that she was going to have a hysterectomy in the near future. The plan was for me to be with her in the hospital and for the first few days post-op. On January 5, 2015, she went to work and drove herself. I received a text from her at 5:00 that night, indicating that she had undergone her hysterectomy and was being brought home by her other niece. I was hurt, confused, incredulous, and angry. Once home, she said that she didn’t want to bother anyone and hadn’t told me, her kids, or her parents. She said she did it alone, and had just received a last minute surgery cancellation appointment for that morning. Of course this was a lie, and her Facebook messages indicated that she and her boyfriend had planned all of this back on December 11! He was there with her during the procedure, and she had planned it that way a month in advance. This was heartbreaking. I bit my tongue and took care of her for the next few days, because it was the right thing to do and she was in a great deal of pain.
On January 9, she drove herself to the courthouse and filled out divorce papers, and then went to her boyfriend’s house for the weekend. I found out about this from our online bank statement. I moved out of the house that weekend and have been gone ever since. She has continued to spend weekends at her boyfriend’s house, and stays at our house during the week. I have yet to be formally served, but she has hired a process server, so I’m sure it will be any day. She says that she wants to be with her boyfriend and that there is no chance for our relationship. I have sent numerous heartfelt emails, messages, and phone calls…all without reciprocity. My attempt at face-to-face conversation leads to her crying and superficial responses, but nothing of substance. Her message remains clear: she wants a divorce and wants to be with this other guy.
I have read numerous posts on this site, as well as both DB and DR books. I have tried 180, going dark, and LRT, but keep contacting her and professing my love. I’m an educated and smart person, but cannot help myself. I have started personal counseling, and am keeping busy with hikes, working out, and doing things with our stepchildren. This has been very therapeutic, but all thoughts keep coming back to her. I just cannot imagine my life without her, despite her deceit and actions. I have moved forward with separation of bank accounts, division of personal property, and contacting a lawyer because divorce seems inevitable.
The problem in my situation is the rapidity with how things have progressed. I have been unable to employ any sort of sustained actions because of how fast things have progressed. We are now at the precipice of divorce, and I do not know what to do. I do not want to just give up, but I cannot see anything that gives me any hope for reconciliation.
I have tried to be as in depth as possible, and would appreciate input and recommendation from others. I am so sad and everything feels so hopeless. I am moving forward because that’s the only option I have.
Is there any hope here?
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Unfortunately I don't believe it is possible for anyone to be able to see hope at such an early stage like this. The mantra around here - believe nothing they say and less than half of what they do.
I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. I definitely felt your pain reading about the FB posts, being held at arms length during tough medical procedures - I can definitely relate to that one.
The most valuable thing DB thing I learned and finally 'got' was that our situations are fluid, but without an appropriate amount of space to cool down, pushing talks and 180s and all will just make our WAS angry, proportionate to the amount of space or "it's over" they're projecting.
What is the longest period of time you've left her be so far?
Have you actually done the solution journal? This was helpful for me, charting out the good bad and ugly and really looking at equal and opposite reactions.
Have you done the soul searching to really feel and understand what you can take responsibility for? You mention external stressors. What else?
Put a signature on your thread with the relevant stuff
Hurting is normal, no way around that, but if you assume and accept the worst case outcome up front...what are some things you can do to find your joy in just being you and alive?
When I started here, this GAL advice was not what I wanted to hear but it kept coming up. If there is hope of re-attracting spouse ever, you gotta at least be centered, self respecting, since happy is a stretch and hilariously pleased with life is out of the question. Plus, the sooner you can start nurturing yourself the better you'll feel, period.
Do you have any ideas for yourself in terms of goals to make your changes, stick to 180s? What are those?
This board will help keep you honest and provide some clarity, the more you can post, the more support is out there.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Zelda, thanks for your heartfelt and rapid response. I readily admit that I have not left her alone for more than a few days without texting, emailing, or calling. Sometimes she initiates it and sometimes I do.
I have definitely taken stock of my life and how my actions contributed to the emotional distance that pushed her away. I have taken ownership of that. I can understand how my actions opened the door for her, but she must bear the blame for walking through that door and actually having the affair.
I have realized that happiness comes from within, and that I was relying on others to make me happy. I am getting in touch with my inner self and trying to be a more positive person every day. I have always been a kind, empathetic, and forgiving person and those qualities were suppressed by depression and anger. This is an ongoing process, but I am taking it one day at a time.
I am taking care of myself, body and soul. I am doing things that are healthy and bring me pleasure, such as hiking, biking, and spending time with the kids.
I imagine that I am going through the same emotions as most of you. My head knows what needs to be done, but my heart counteracts things. My biggest fear here is closing the door to reconciliation too quickly. 4 months ago we were holding hands and talking about the future, and today I'm lucky to get a 3 word response from her. Quite a drastic change.
I just find it unfathomable how an affair of just a few months can trump a marriage of 16 years, after all that we went through.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
I know that most affairs fizzle out on their own, and that marriages borne of affairs don't typically last. However, what about long term marriages that are thrown away after only a few month affair? Does my marriage have any chance at all?
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
She has found a new house, and will be moving out this weekend. Thus far, she has been living here during the week and going to her boyfriends's house on the weekend. He lives about an hour away. Her original plan was for her children to live with her. However, they are disgusted with her behavior. 1 has moved in with his girlfriend, 1 has gone to live with his dad, 1 has moved out on his own, and the youngest (17) will be living with her. Ironically, her niece that we adopted at age 4 has chosen to live with me.
Her boyfriend's wife died a few years ago, and he has 3 young children (8, 10,and 14). My STBXW is a fun and (usually) loving parent, so I'm sure that she has taken over the mommy role for them.
Of course, she has lost her entire family because of this affair, yet still continues down this path. Very surreal.
What is my next move? I know that I need to just back off and give her space, and work on myself. However, now we must also deal with divorce proceedings, division of property, division of bills, and other related issues. How do I detach and "go dark" with all of those things needing to be done?
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Is there anybody out there that can give me some further advice. I need to protect myself legally, which may make me look like a jerk to WAW. By the same token, her actions have consistently shown that she doesn't want to be with me and has already moved on. I, however, don't want to ruin any chance of reconciliation. This is so hard.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Kramer- By all means seek out legal advice. You can't live in fear of how your completely reasonable actions might influence her right now.
Originally Posted By: Kramer
However, now we must also deal with divorce proceedings, division of property, division of bills, and other related issues. How do I detach and "go dark" with all of those things needing to be done?
Detaching means simply accepting that you cannot influence or control her actions right now. That will protect you emotionally. As far as going dark - it's not a all or nothing proposition. Only contact her about the bare necessities. Don't be rude or short. Maintain your dignity and be civil. You're at the very beginning of this. I promise you, it does get better.
K, somewhere on MWD articles on front of this site is a first hand account of how a man gradually won his WAW back through vowing to be her best friend, unconditional love, etc. not in a pursuit-y fashion, but with dignity and acceptance. If your crime was emotional distance seems it may apt.
Detach/going dark/LRT has it's place, and I'm sure there are vets here that can better advise with regard to a long marriage, OP. Seek out Train I think or Starsky.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
