Maybell XXXI

[labug]

You should feel your anger. Anger is a signal that there's something else. There's always something under the anger. When we get stuck in the anger, we don't look any further. It makes it about some ONE or some THING.

It sounds as if you are moving past it.

That should lighten your load.

[Maybell]

It is completely horrible to work to further a divorce you don't want.

Also I went to D11's first round of therapy today and there's nothing like going to therapy for making me feel like a complete failure in every area of my life that matters. Like it was totally inevitable my husband would fall out of love with me and that I deserved it because I'm so deeply flawed that I drive people away.

[Mozza]

Oh Maybell, what happened in therapy that makes you think so?

It's been terribly tough on me to learn so much about what makes a marriage tick now that mine is practically over. Not to mention everything that makes ME. I feel like the blind who can (almost) see finally. I feel like a failure too, but because I was ignorant, not because of my nature. Is it different for you? Do you feel the same person, the same W, the same mother as a year or two ago?

PS: You know how much I despise your H and a guy who can't differentiate erection from passion is not worth making you feel flawed. Oh, don't get me started on him but don't let his actions define you.

[claire7]

Maybell,

Whoah nelly. I read the first part of your post and thought, No, it's not. I'm considering the same thing.

I read the second part of your post and thought, hells to the no, honey. I'll be blunt-- you gotta get that toxic thinking out of your head. What the heck happened at counseling that led you to those thoughts!?

What's going on, MB?

[Maybell]

When I've gone to counseling with STBX or D11 I feel like so much of the focus is on the things I do wrong. With D11 it was about my temper. With STBX it was about how I was just not enough. How he could always tell when I was unhappy about something and about how it made him want to get away from me. People tell me I'm such a great person and I don't feel AT ALL like I'm even particularly likable. Other people do a better job of reaching out, of making kind gestures, of checking in, etc. I don't feel good about myself lately.

I think I realized tonight that a lot of my anger and resistance to dealing with all this was that I was so unwilling to believe that someone I *had* respected and cared for and committed to could be willing to take the actions my STBX has taken. I could not conceive that his values were so different than mine that he could actually be this guy.

In digging around to get the details for the financial disclosures that I need I went a little further into the details and found out that STBX has been spending money like CRAZY in the last few months... but let everything flow to my monitoring service in such a way that I couldn't see the details of what he was doing. I'm DISGUSTED. I haven't bought so much as a pair of pants for myself in the last three months. He doesn't seem to be sparing himself anything. Even had the nerve to buy himself a computer even though he's got a work laptop and an xBox One.

I don't want HIM back. He is clearly not the person I was hoping he wa. I want the life I thought I had. I'm still getting my head around the fact that I have a different life than the one I had. At least now I can be honest with my kids. That helps. But I feel awfully guilty for so many things. For not seeing him more clearly. For being willing to settle for who he is. For always stepping up to fill in his gaps. For being a little pleased when my kids come home from an evening or a weekend with him and express such relief at being home with me again. I feel like such a jerk.

Yesterday my mother said "I don't need to tell you that you're lovable. You just know that you are. It's obvious." And I wanted to cry and say, "NO! I don't!! Just tell me!" And she said "We're here for you, just tell us what you need." And I said "I would really appreciate it if you would come up and help me get settled in my new place when we move." And she hesitated and said, "Well, you know... your brother is coming to visit this summer." And I knew I couldn't count on them either.

I have plenty of other people who will help me. In all sorts of ways. If my parents AND my STBX think I'm worthless it's hard not to believe them. But I'm working on it.

[Ahoy]

Maybell,
I'm sorry you're dealing with that. And it's particularly hard to feel rejected by parents. Your mother SAID the right things, but it doesn't sound like she's able to help in a concrete fashion. That's okay because this is your chance to prove to yourself how capable and strong you can be for your own self. You can figure out the move, I'm sure. Would it be nice to have their support? Of course. But you don't need it. What you needed was validation. Give it to yourself rather than asking it of others. You can't disappoint yourself. You already know not to have expectations of your H -- now apply that to the rest of the world. Manage what you're capable of. Ask for help when you need it (but don't count on it), and then just go on pushing forward and being awesome for your own sake.

Also, if your counselor is making you feel bad, I question whether he/she is the right counselor for you. You shouldn't feel blame -- you should be guided toward a better path.

Anyway, you sound down and negative, which I hate to hear. Just remember how strong and amazing you are. Even if you don't feel that way now. Even if you might not even believe it deep down. You just are. Now own it. You got this.

[Maybell]

It's not that the therapist made me feel bad. It's that there are things about me that need to be fixed (or helped) and I'm SO TIRED of facing all my flaws.

Yes, I was seeking validation from my mother. I should know better. I've moved SIX times with no help from anybody (including STBX)except paid movers and I know for sure I can handle it -- although I have to say, I've never moved while holding down a full time job, and that was why I asked for help.

More later... I'll be better soon. I'm in a weird place at the moment.

[Old Dog]

It's not that the therapist made me feel bad. It's that there are things about me that need to be fixed (or helped) and I'm SO TIRED of facing all my flaws.

Oh I hear you Maybell. I wonder if I'll ever be able to make even a tiny dint in them.

[labug]

In the spirit of complete disclosure, I almost quit therapy on several occasions because I didn't want to do it any more. There was too much to fix, I just couldn't do it. I had a similar meltdown not long ago over not having the ability to be the mother my S22 needs.

Therapy shines a light on the darkest parts of us. The good news is we have the ability to change it. If we stay in the dark, we stay in the dark.

Be gentle with yourself. The fact that this is painful is the signal you can change.

Again, be gentle with yourself. When we know better we can do better.

((( )))

[Ahoy]

I agree with what labug said! You are doing the hard work now, but it will get better. Facing our own flaws is very challenging.

Just last night I was speaking with a coworker who was laughing about a little fit I threw at work years ago. I didn't even remember it! I said -- Are you sure that was me?! It just didn't jibe with my impression of myself. Then I apologized profusely for acting like a twerp in the past. I've definitely learned to be be a better colleague over the years. We can all improve in many ways. The opportunity for growth can be seen as an exciting adventure rather than a daunting chore. (sometimes)