Wife during deployment EA/PA ongoing #4

[Complex]

25yr ..whatever you say, it always makes a LOT of sense, not only for the sitch of the person you post it in, but it's also a reminder for everyone else's sitch.
Thank you. You helped me in my sitch earlier on, if you have a few minutes of appreciate your honest opinion on where my own state of mind is right now.

You continuously point out one single thing, that EVERYONE has the most struggle with. Detaching and letting go! I think it's by far the most difficult thing in ones sitch and takes the longest.

Rysin, I feel with you. Duly letting go is a very long and hard process. The thing is the earlier we get this done...truly done, the higher our chances for success. The slim chances of saving our M increase and most importantly that we will be fine/better no matter what!!
I'm slooooowly detavhing more and more, but I feel like a snail. At least it's continuous. And don't underestimate GAL activities in the process of detaching. It's crucial!

[RysinMn]

Complex, I agree I feel like I am slowly detaching but it feels like a snails pace. But I will continue to push through.

[Starsky309]

ok i did not want to steal your entire statement Starsky but what do you think about my little edit. i wanted to write more but i help off. thanks again.

W I understand that you feel I'm doing this to be 'mean,' but I am not. Everything I have done is because I believe them to be right. I have continued to try and fight for our marriage, and I stand by my decisions. I have realized that this situation is no longer working for me and my wellbeing, I can no longer continue to put myself through this, and I am ready to let go so I can better myself and receive what I deserve in this life. You (and OM) are both free to do whatever you want, you're a grown woman and I have no desire to control you or your actions. You both just need to understand that there are natural consequences for the choices you both have already made; the truth about the NC is that; it is in fact legally, out of my hands. The NC was never my request, OM’s Command made that decision. Frankly I've already wasted too much of my valuable life on this and I realize now that I deserve better.

I like this even better than my version.

[Starsky309]

well I made my choice, I went inside said hello, showered, ca me down started dinner and went to garage to work on harley-davidson. She stayed for an hour. When she started to leave I waved and said bye.

GOOD JOB!!

[RysinMn]

Thanks starsky I had to rewrite like 20 times because I just didn't like how I can across. And I was happy with end result. I was think of saying it face to face.

[Starsky309]

Face to face is always best. That way, you can personally convey both the firmness, and say it in a calm, loving way. You can always then follow up by email if you feel there's anything you forgot to say, or if you want to clarify something that was said.

[RysinMn]

Starsky,
thank you i will try and see if i can get a meeting with her in the next few days, I feel i am ready for this next step and i will let you all know how it goes.

[25yearsmlc]

Rysm,

I think you handled the interaction really really well. That's great progress.

As for the letter below, definitely IN PERSON is better. The pros and cons of the written word are that you cannot be accused of saying something you did not say if it is in writing BUT yet it can more easily be misconstrued.

Saying things as CALMLY as possible, is extremely important. (I don't think we can over emphasize that...)

In person reduces the risk of something being seen as done or said in anger or sarcasm too. FOR ME, and this might just be a personal preference, I'd make the comments shorter b/c most WAS's tune us out after a few sentences.

It's as if They can't hear us... I'm a lawyer. I recall very specifically thinking, "Wow, if I were arguing my 'case' in front of the Supreme Court, I'd probably 'win', but in front of h, nothing I say matters...he cannot hear me."

Very frustrating to feel you are a "wordsmith" and yet your words are not effective with the partner you chose to spend your life with.

So the shorter, the better is my experience.

Also, the comment about "consequences of your actions" is, imo, unnecessary to say AND critical sounding. It's an obvious reality, but coming from you, will probably sound as if you are lecturing her and saying "You deserve the punishment".

Even if you believe that^^^ to be the truth, why say it? To me, it does not help your cause. And not everything we believe, needs to be said.

At one point when things were turning around for my marriage, I recall a huge negative consequence happening (financially we took a HUGE hit by h's going to Alaska). H said "this was a big mistake". I could have amplified that comment 1000 times, but why? Trust me, it was true and I'd predicted it dozens of times, which h seemed NOT to recall...

yet at that moment, I felt the most loving & healthy thing to say, was nothing.

o- i wanted to write more but i help off. thanks again.

Again, this is a matter of personal preference, but I'd make this (below) a lot shorter. What about just leaving the last part in? No need to defend yourself so much.

Sadly, I think she will tune you out a short way into the "speech" and NOT hear most of what you say, if it's more than a few sentences.


W I understand that you feel I'm doing this to be 'mean,' but I am not. Everything I have done is because I believe them to be right. I have continued to try and fight for our marriage, and I stand by my decisions. I have realized that this situation is no longer working for me and my wellbeing,
I can no longer continue to put myself through this, and I am ready to let go so I can better myself and receive what I deserve in this life. You (and OM) are both free to do whatever you want, you're a grown woman and I have no desire to control you or your actions. You both just need to understand that there are natural consequences for the choices you both have already made; the truth about the NC is that; it is in fact legally, out of my hands. The NC was never my request, OM’s Command made that decision. Frankly I've already wasted too much of my valuable life on this and I realize now that I deserve better.

Maybe add something optimistic about your future...

(the next comment is just an example, see what Starsky and others think)

"I look forward to finding what I want/need in life & hope the same for you."

As for your 180s, they are NOT all related to your w. In fact, the 180s are things YOU want to work on in yourself regardless of what SHE does/says or thinks.


IF YOU believe you need to, for instance, be more punctual, you set a goal of "arriving early for the next 5 appointments", and then follow thru.

This is for your own personal development, as you become the man you wish to become.

Make sense?

[RysinMn]

25yearsmlc,
Thank you for your advice i was thinking the same thing about her tuning me out, I can always tell when that switch clicks. I have read the book twice now and i am still confused about 180. the reason being that we do not have much of a interaction and the things i was doing with W i do not do anymore. I.E. aruge, snoop, blame (when we actually talk that is), I now validate. Can you give me an example of how i can 180 in regards to W while we are sep. and not really talking. I am smiling when i see her now, i am now cordial. thank you again.

[25yearsmlc]

I love how blunt you are and i thank you for it. I am trying to figure out how to do things. I do want to let her go but at the same time there is only two options that i see in letting go.

1) is just stop worrying about her, the sitch and just work on me. tell her i cannot lift the NC and just let her make her decisions from there.

2) I can file myself and then she is free to do what she pleases with whomever she wants.

I want to do #1 because i do not want to give up but i do want to let go,

Personally, I prefer the first option b/c hey, this is "Divorce Busting" and it's rarely in the interest of saving a marriage, to end it.

OTOH, if YOU NEED to file b/c you believe its' the only way to "save yourself", then so be it. No one here would condemn that.


i guess i just worry about her holding resentment for my actions

A HUGE Part of letting go is you NOT worrying about her holding onto resentments. Most women who have affairs, feel justified in them. I know, I'm generalizing but it's based on empirical data.

SOME men can have affairs and sincerely say "meant nothing" but its a rare woman who does. And b/c she has already justified it, the resentments won't fade without TIME (and no actions on your end to increase the resentment).
In other words, you cannot control HOW SHE Feels and so you need to stop spending any energy worrying about it.

Do what you believe to be the right moral thing, and let the cards fall where they will.

regarding the NC, because i did start the process and now no one but his command has control of that sitch. I also interpreted that email as (if the NC is not lifted she is going to believe that i forced her into no other option other than her filing for D.) and i guess that is what worries me because i just dont want to be resented. i do not want to manipulate her or the sitch, i just dont want things to be come malicious.

Keep it simple, keep it clear in YOUR mind/heart and turn this over to God. Seriously. You'll go nuts and spin your wheels 24/7 if you focus on how YOU think she feels....it's no way to live.

were you able to read the draft i wrote that i was thinking of send to W.


Yes, see my earlier post.

as far as my 180's
I really don't have many because we are not really on speaking terms.

Since SHE is NOT relevant to the 180s, this^^ isn't relevant either. Sure, SOME 180s in front of the WAS are nice b/c you want to confuse their negative images of you. It's great when we can CONTRAST & undermine their negative images of us with POSITIVES....

to make their "data" about us, useless. But in the end, 180s are for us.

Again

but one for sure is, when we have had conversations I began to validate and just listen to her feelings instead of trying to express myself.

^^ That's a great listening skill to develop.

I stopped checking her emails, texts everything not sure that is a 180.

I began cleaning the entire house without anyhelp.

i always lower to toilet seat as well now that is for sure a 180!


Those ^^ all are good (on behalf of women everywhere, THANK YOU for lowering the toilet seat.)

but after that i am kinda confused because we do not live together, rarely ever speak or see one another. How am i suppose to 180 in this situation. I know i can GAL but how do you 180 in that situation?


see above comments

My short term goals are.
-completing my pre-nursing degree.
-learn how to hanglide.
-run my two miles in 1250

Great goals, (really) but "short term" goals, TO ME, means more like things you can do this month.

if you mean goals for our relationship.
- i want one conversation to end on a positive note.
- i would like to be civil to one another.
- begin to understand W's feelings and what she is going through.


Having conversations Not escalate, is a very worthy goal and it IS within your control b/c you can end the conversation if it takes a nosedive.

Say something along the lines of "let's table this discussion for when we are both calm" and or, if you feel attacked, say so.

"W, I feel attacked now. That's not productive so let's table this til we both can speak AND hear each other without attacking." But once you say that, you need to LEAVE the area (unless she apologizes. But don't wait for that).

I did read the long post about WAW beginning miss things, and i know that it will happen, i just have to do as you and Starsky said give it over to fate and GOD.

There were times I'd say (in the shower so the kids didn't think I was nuts)

"God, I turn this anger/pain (OR "Marriage") over to You."

By thinking it, saying it and hearing myself say it, I felt a true calm sweep over me.

SO I began saying it before those times I expected contact from H and it soothed me enough to stay calm in those talks, which led to fewer escalations,

and in time, some more relaxed talks. We built on those (or I did) and my DB coach, (A GODSEND!!!) helped me with that.

I recall one pivotal moment when the electricity was about to be cut off b/c h stopped paying bills for the first time in our m, and omitted telling me that.

(Also that was the day wildfires were approaching our home so I had to evacuate with our 2 ds then, so the timing truly sukked).

I wanted to blast h for the irresponsible even dangerous behavior at the worst possible time. But I had a DB coaching session that day and THEN H called.

Here's what transpired...

ME: "the electricity almost got turned off today b/c the bill had not been paid. I wanted---"

H interrupts: "Well now YOU know what it's like to have to pay all those bills like I have for over 20 years!"

ME: "True, & I want to thank you for that b/c it really can be stressful."

H: (long pause): "you're welcome".

After that, something happened in the both of us. I stopped attacking, and he stopped defending.

Since my real goal (I mean, the noble goal, not the "Blast h" goal) was better communication with h,

this 'moment' was indeed transformational for me. Pivotal for us.

Not sure if that clarifies anything for you, but I thought I'd share that.

Keep on keeping on, Rys. You're a good man and in time that will show.

Good memories will resurface in your w, if you let them. Let her sit with the choices she has made and is making, without you challenging them.

Do you get that? Does it make sense to you?

Good luck.