Ok thank you...! I do want right, I don't want malice, or punishment, or anything. I want to do what I feel is truly right, in handling this bad situation.
ok i did not want to steal your entire statement Starsky but what do you think about my little edit. i wanted to write more but i help off. thanks again.
W I understand that you feel I'm doing this to be 'mean,' but I am not. Everything I have done is because I believe them to be right. I have continued to try and fight for our marriage, and I stand by my decisions. I have realized that this situation is no longer working for me and my wellbeing, I can no longer continue to put myself through this, and I am ready to let go so I can better myself and receive what I deserve in this life. You (and OM) are both free to do whatever you want, you're a grown woman and I have no desire to control you or your actions. You both just need to understand that there are natural consequences for the choices you both have already made; the truth about the NC is that; it is in fact legally, out of my hands. The NC was never my request, OM’s Command made that decision. Frankly I've already wasted too much of my valuable life on this and I realize now that I deserve better.
ok i did not want to steal your entire statement Starsky but what do you think about my little edit. i wanted to write more but i help off. thanks again.
W I understand that you feel I'm doing this to be 'mean,' but I am not. Everything I have done is because I believe them to be right. I have continued to try and fight for our marriage, and I stand by my decisions. I have realized that this situation is no longer working for me and my wellbeing, I can no longer continue to put myself through this, and I am ready to let go so I can better myself and receive what I deserve in this life. You (and OM) are both free to do whatever you want, you're a grown woman and I have no desire to control you or your actions. You both just need to understand that there are natural consequences for the choices you both have already made; the truth about the NC is that; it is in fact legally, out of my hands. The NC was never my request, OM’s Command made that decision. Frankly I've already wasted too much of my valuable life on this and I realize now that I deserve better.
Starsky, It is without a doubt the hardset thing to realize and do. Especially knowing how much you still love that person and also because i am a man who likes to solve problems, Yes it's hard to let go of what/who we have no control over. But realize this: it's also incredibly freeing
AND you are really just letting go of an illusion; b/c you never had real control over her anyhow.
i am also an NCO and putting out fires and solving problems was what i do best. I have been racking my brain about this entire situation for months now, waffling back and forth about things and how to handle the situation. I think it might be time to just open my arms and let the eagle fly, and see where the winds take her. because as i try to hold on, all I'm doing is getting cut and scratched and making her resent me more You can keep clinging and getting scratched until she files for Divorce and believes she hates you OR you can overtly let go of her.
To put it another way, you can keep doing what does NOT help you or the situation, or you can do something different.
Doesn't it seem like an obvious choice? instead of leaving a pleasant memory of who i am she see's me as the Problem and actually seems to dispise me from what her friends have said.
We have an adage around here, "Believe nothing they SAY and only half of what they Do." Pay no attention to that stuff. IF you KNOW in your heart of hearts that you are doing what you believe is best for the both of you, that is all you can hope for and
YOU need to be okay with that...regardless of other's perceptions;
which 1) you cannot know and 2) could change, regardless; and 3) you have no control over anyhow.
I had a idea it might be radical but it is just an idea. It hit me when i wokeup. I was thinking about the NC and About a possible D. What if when i talked to her i offered a compromise. Um, What if you just let her go? What if you STOP trying to manipulate the outcome?
IF you are a believer, why not turn her/this marriage over to God?
LET HIM CARRY HER...you have to stop the waffling and the deciding when the only real question is
WHEN You are going to let go of the ILLUSION that you ever had control over her?
The sooner you do that, the more intact your self respect will be. AND it so happens that it MIGHT MIGHT be seen as stronger, in your w's eyes.
But it's NOT done FOR That reason.
Now I do not want her to look at me as weak and i do not want to compromise my values, but i also know she is becoming really depressed. so what if i said something to the likes of this. " I will have the command remove the NC if you make a promise to me! Now that promise is this. If i remove NC she Files for D. I don't understand this "offer" or how it's a compromise. You cannot have the command remove the NC ANYHOW, and she is not likely to keep a promise she's forced to make...(like the "Plan A", etc)
This ^^ really does speak to your need to control. You need to see that.
That way i don't look weak but i am still giving her what she wants. or AM I JUST LOONEY! now this is obviously based on if it is possible to get the Command to drop the NC.
But Even if the command can, so what?
How is this any different than you trying to get her to do something YOU want HER to do?
Stop "negotiating" with her. Let her go. Work on YOU...turn your pain over to God and be the best Rysm you can be.
How are your 180s? And what are your short term goals? Why not make the most of the times she sees you and wish her the best and move forward in your life
and let her start to miss you?
Did you read that LONG post I wrote, about what the WAWs miss?
LET HER MISS YOU...which won't happen if she knows you are "still maneuvering".
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
For the love of all things holy 25, I am so glad you asked about your earlier long response so I could go and find your reference. I missed previously how much further detail was within the originally posted portion of your post. Valuable, wonderfully thought out, insightful to probably most all of us. Thank you 25 for your time to Rysin, awesome stuff.
Me:39 W:33 Married 6/07 D6 Found out about affair 9/14
I love how blunt you are and i thank you for it. I am trying to figure out how to do things. I do want to let her go but at the same time there is only two options that i see in letting go.
1) is just stop worrying about her, the sitch and just work on me. tell her i cannot lift the NC and just let her make her decisions from there.
2) I can file myself and then she is free to do what she pleases with whomever she wants.
I want to do #1 because i do not want to give up but i do want to let go, i guess i just worry about her holding resentment for my actions regarding the NC, because i did start the process and now no one but his command has control of that sitch. I also interpreted that email as (if the NC is not lifted she is going to believe that i forced her into no other option other than her filing for D.) and i guess that is what worries me because i just dont want to be resented. i do not want to manipulate her or the sitch, i just dont want things to be come malicious.
were you able to read the draft i wrote that i was thinkin of send to W.
as far as my 180's I really don't have many because we are not really on speaking terms. but one for sure is, when we have had conversations I began to validate and just listen to her feelings instead of trying to express myself.
I stopped checking her emails, texts everything not sure that is a 180.
I began cleaning the entire house without anyhelp.
i always lower to toilet seat as well now that is for sure a 180!
but after that i am kinda confused because we do not live together, rarely ever speak or see one another. How am i suppose to 180 in this situation. I know i can GAL but how do you 180 in that situation?
My short term goals are. -completing my pre-nursing degree. -learn how to hanglide. -run my two miles in 1250
if you mean goals for our relationship. - i want one conversation to end on a positive note. - i would like to be civil to one another. - begin to understand W's feelings and what she is going through. I did read the long post about WAW begining miss things, and i know that it will happen, i just have to do as you and Starsky said give it over to fate and GOD.
Just came home from gym. Wife is there. I have not gone in, I know I should since it's my house but she is probably waiting to talk with me. What should I do. I think it's too early for commo. If she wants to take just be polite and say I'm not ready?
well I made my choice, I went inside said hello, showered, ca me down started dinner and went to garage to work on harley-davidson. She stayed for an hour. When she started to leave I waved and said bye.
