So I am divorced.

[Vapo]

Guys, a little hope is a dangerous thing. When you have hope, you tend to have expectations, and you should have NONE. Because EXPECTATIONS lead to HEARTACHES and our poor tormented hearts have been through a lot. Keep in mind, that we only get one heart and we should take care of it.

I found it best to give it all to the higher power and move along your own path, because move along your path you must. Do not stop, do not wait for her to follow. She might, or she might not, but one thing is certain, if you stand still you will not go forward and neither will she. Mozza knows that you CANNOT nice her back, you CANNOT LOVE her back to you. IT DOES NOT WORK! You can try, but you will just waste a couple of months of quality time that you should spend on yourself. I know I might be just whistling dixie to you, but make a note of my reply and get back to me in 3 months' time.

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. YOU MATTER. You should be the most important person to YOU, but we LBSs tend to take care of ourselves the worst... I'm sure you can think of 10 examples of how you would give an arm and a leg to get your W back, but hardly any where you treated yourself kindly...

MOZZ, I am following you around on this board and you offer great advice to fellow travelers, but I have also noticed, that you are not so good at following your own advice. I see that a lot, also in myself...

MAHH, just be the best dad you can be, focus on yourself, improve yourself, work on becoming the man that only a fool would leave. It might not get your W back, but it will get YOU back. The new and improved YOU. And lord knows there is a lot of room for improvement in all of us and the best we can hope to achieve is to improve a little each and every day. That's how you become a great man.

Peace to you all my fellow travelers...

[Mozza]

MOZZ, I am following you around on this board and you offer great advice to fellow travelers, but I have also noticed, that you are not so good at following your own advice. I see that a lot, also in myself...

Yes, it seems so much easier to see clearly through to other people's stiches. Ours always seem full of nuances, of exceptions, of emergencies, etc. I'm flattered that you follow my sitch and posts. Please, if you see me not following my own advice, come over and call me on it. Sometimes, I might not even realize it.

Peace to you all my fellow travelers...

Thanks Vapo. Will you also share you story with us? I see that you have no signature, nor topics created. I'd be happy to know about your own travels in DBland.

[mahhhty]

Vapo -

I've sat on your response for days. Reading and re-reading. I can tell your response has merit and experience behind it, and honestly I can fathom or rationalize your response and think it may be correct, but I think for me hope is a requirement. Although I have hope, I don't have expectations. The process has taught me better than that. However, hope provides me motivation to workout, read the books, go to school on myself and our relationship and make changes in my life.

[lost18]

Although I have hope, I don't have expectations. The process has taught me better than that. However, hope provides me motivation to workout, read the books, go to school on myself and our relationship and make changes in my life.

I'm with you M-Expectations are dangerous, hope is essential to a point. Keep on doing what you're doing!

[mahhhty]

Been doing my best lately. Going out with friends. Getting her things out of the house. Going skiing. Ordered things to make the house more my home (picture frames, different pictures and artwork, etc). I have digressed a little in the area of being happy around her (part of Sandis rules). When we are one on one, I am not happy, I try to validate and follow the other rules, but my emotional state is one of grumpiness. I think its part of the anger I've been dealing with. It is interesting though, my friends tried to take her down a few pegs the other day in front of me, and I made them stop. I don't believe this is who she is, I believe it is who she is right now. Hearing the things they had to say was of no interest to me and nor did I want to hear them.

[mahhhty]

In more recent news, I am trying to do better with boundaries and received a test this AM. Any thoughts on how I handled it?

First email from her:
"Good morning. I wanted to let you know that I'm going on a trip out west this week. I have the kids staying at my parent's tomorrow night (the only night that is effected). They obviously would like to have the kids overnight every so often, but if you have a problem with that then please say so and we can change the plan.

Thanks"

My response:
"Happy Monday. I have zero problem with them staying overnight with your parents. I understand it is easier and more comfortable to arrange the schedule with your parents instead of me. According to our paperwork I should have the opportunity to keep them overnight first. I could be reading into your email, but it seems that you have already arranged it with your parents. I would appreciate that we discuss it next time prior to making plans. I haven’t seen them in 3 days and would have loved the opportunity.

Enjoy out west and have a safe trip."

[mahhhty]

We had a couple more rounds today. They seem to have gone okay. She was considerate, I tried to be more rigid than I normally am, adhering to the boundaries and paperwork we have. In hopes that she understands I need to be a part of the decision making process rather than being told the outcome. This is obviously a lesson learned from our breakdown.

These discussions are so benign compared to others in the forum and the ones we have had previously. The divorce paperwork will be signed by a judge soon, I have given her the equity and cash according to our agreements. Discussions now only need to be based on the kids.

I believe I have very little opportunity to make an impact, as the communication is at a 10 year low. Its time to do some more reading and re-evaluate my current standing and goals.

[lost18]

I read your response yesterday and thought you did a good job, when I read it again today I think I would change some things in future exchanges.


"I understand it is easier and more comfortable to arrange the schedule with your parents instead of me."

This to me sounds like you know she doesn't want to or that you are difficult to deal with. Don't put negative thoughts in her head that she may or may not have.

How about keeping it simple.


"Happy Monday. I have zero problem with them staying overnight with your parents this time. In the future if I could have the opportunity to keep them first per our agreement I would appreciate it.

Enjoy out west and have a safe trip."

Or something along those lines, maybe somebody who has more experience with this can offer some advice.

[mahhhty]

Thanks Lost... You are definitely right. These days I don't have many opportunities to interact. I am just trying to make sure I do a good job when I have an opportunity. Thank you for the input!

[mahhhty]

Last night, she did something nice for me. I called to say goodnight to the kids, but did so very late. About 35 minutes after their bedtime. She picked up the phone and I relied to her that I just lost track of time. She said no problem and that she believed they were still awake. So I got to say goodnight to them. After I said goodnight, she was trying to coax my daughter to tell me something that she had been saying throughout the day.Then STBX stated that "D4 says she has the best Daddy in the whole world." Then D4 said "I sure do, best Daddy in the whole wide world." She was so happy, it just melted my heart. I started to tear up afterwards.

I realize it is a small thing, but she didn't have to bring it up. I appreciate that she did, and texted her thank you. I see she is trying to reinforce my relationship with the kids, which I also appreciate and am trying to do for her as well.

The topic of being a good father has always struck a soft spot with me. The only time I can clearly remember STBX saying I was a good father was one of the nights we were have R talks. I don't remember hearing it from her in the previous 4 years of being a Dad. My neediness, withdrawal and pursuit were fueled in a way by the rejection I felt as her best friend, husband, partner and as a father, as seen by her. I wasn't comfortable with me, my life and/or decisions and therefore needed her approval/validation.... anyway rant over. time for bed.