Need some advice please

[Joe46]

I am feeling much better about myself. I am learning so much about myself through all this. I think my wife really likes the little notes I have left once in awhile. And also the positive messages I have wrote on them. She seems different also. This is something I did not do in the past and should have. I was very negative alot of the times.

[Joe46]

I am venting a little!! I struggled a little last night. I feel kind of wimpy! Guys aren't suppose to feel this way. My wife had her hair done yesterday and it looks amazing. She looks very beautiful. On top of that, she was wearing these tight pants yesterday! I kept my cool and told her that her hair looked nice and she looks very beautiful. I'm not used to these changes in her. For some reason, last night I felt really lonely sleeping in bed by myself. She did give me a hug and kiss before bed, but it is weird when we go to separate rooms. I feel like a wimp for being lonely.

[Joe46]

I hope I am doing this right. I know I have read about doing little things and monitor the results. I have been working to be a better husband and work on the things my wife said was missing in our marriage. She has seemed to like the little notes and nice comments I have been doing from time to time. I have graduated from small hugs to longer ones and a quick kiss at bed and when I leave. I think this is progress. But I keep reading about how everyone else is recommending to the newcomers to detach. It seems if I ignore her, things get worse. That is something she did not like before. Any advice?

[Sotto]

Hi Joe

I think the thing to do is monitor progress, say on a weekly basis. If you are being more affectionate towards your W, but she is still 'moving away' in whatever way, your approach may not be working. But if she is drawing closer and being more affectionate with you, that's great.

[Barry]

^^ x 2.

I haven't read through your sitch yet Joe but I just wanted to say hi and offer some support. You must do what works for you Joe.
In a lot of cases, detachment is the key to ride out the storm during the initial maelstrom. It's possible to feel a sense of detachment in you whilst still doing the things you feel are working. It's so important to monitor the results.

I have been working to be a better husband and work on the things my wife said was missing in our marriage

This is good in itself Joe and it sounds like you have some idea as to what to work on (things your W has told you. Just be aware that any changes you make need to be for YOU. If they are to placate your W or YOU don't believe in the changes but make them anyway in the hope that it'll smooth things over, your W will see through it.

Good luck, and keep posting.

Barry.

[Joe46]

I am also doing a program that helps me to realize and work on the things I have done that have hurt my wife in the past. I am working on it on a daily basis and being patient. It is helping me to learn patience. Yesterday one of my tasks was to admit my wrongs to my wife and tell her I am sorry and ask for forgiveness. It was a very hard thing to do. But I sat her down and read her what I had wrote. She cried a little, but smiled and gave me a big hug when I was finished and said we both have things to work on. It felt really good for me to get that out. I know that I am doing all this for myself. I am learning about things from that program and this forum and Divorce Remedy.

[Joe46]

Thank you. Sometimes all this stuff is rather depressing. It seems every day more and more spouses are leaving the marriage or getting divorced. They are unhappy and cheating. The one thing I don't have much sympathy for is the cheating. I am having problems in my marriage right now, but I am not getting involved with someone else or running to the arms of another person to make me feel better. I am standing her ready to work on my marriage to make it better. Maybe I am old fashioned!! I kinda wished I grew up in the old days when wedding vows really meant for better or for worse. I watched my parents go through alot of ups and downs, no body went looking for love else where or left. They stayed together and worked through it. 55 years they have been together! Guess I am venting again!

[Barry]

Yesterday one of my tasks was to admit my wrongs to my wife and tell her I am sorry and ask for forgiveness. It was a very hard thing to do. But I sat her down and read her what I had wrote. She cried a little, but smiled and gave me a big hug when I was finished and said we both have things to work on.

This sounds like a positive step in the right direction that she said that you both have things to work on.
This may be a long road Joe, so just try to keep a positive attitude, as hard as that is.

All the best.

[Joe46]

Yes it is a positive step. And it is very positive that she is actually hugging me now and not giving me the quick pat on the back. And it is big to get a kiss also. I am taking all of that as a sign of slow progress. I am keeping positive that hugging, kissing me and looking me in the eye when when talk are all signs that there is no EA going on. I have had times during all this that I felt there was. I am hoping that if there was, she would not be holding me so tight and kissing me good night and good bye and talking about our future and the kids and looking at me like she does. She has told me that there is some hurt that she has to work through and I can understand that.

[Swabby]

No way Joe, you're not a wimp at all, you're just having regular emotions surrounding your disconnected relationship state. Its totally normal, and it shows you that you have feelings and love in the marriage, thats a GOOD thing!

Keep remembering, baby steps, small wins!

If you're not keeping a Journal, make sure you do. Write in it DAILY. Write what you did that day, what went well, what didn't, your emotions and feelings. Then each day when you go to write the new page, reflect on your last day, and see if the intentions and you're feelings are progressing.