I understand this is not about being right I really do. I have both DB and DR books. The plan A and plan B were from "surviving the affair." This was all pre DB. I am no longer trying to work that. If I was to be completely honest and unbiased it would have to admit, that one of the reasons I sent info to the military was based off emotions. I also did it off of principles, for what I believe to be morally right. I never realized that my actions came across so controlling, I have never been that person. I will answer more later as I'm a work. But yes to the books. And thank you for your help
You can try Starsky's approach or not. I think the wording needs to be very short and though I usually would not send a message, since she did, it's probably wise to do so.
Realize btw, that whatever you write will always exist, in the legal sense. I also did not see your reply to my question about whether you have sought legal counsel.
Did you? And finally, is the NC order really ALL up to you?
(I worked with commanders who routinely put those in place for the safety/welfare of the unit, NOT specifically at a h's request, and certainly not withdrawing the NC order solely b/c of the h's request)
I'm not sure how much control you have over that now.
It MIGHT be a case of un-ringing the bell. IF it is up to you, yes, I would let go of the NC order and move on in my life...hoping that with the personal work you are doing on yourself,
she might rethink things. BUT You also need to answer the other questions asked.
Are you career military with more deployments likely? That matters...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
The 1SG of his unit actually called me. And we spoke about the NC and he said the NC is not up to me so I'm not sure it could be lifted on my request, like you said they saw the info I presented and decided themselves to initiate the NC. I have an appointment for legal counsel so atm no. but next week yes. I am not sure if I will be career, I am almost finished with my associates in pre-nursing and have not decided if I want to stay military to finish BSN. When we were together I was very flexible and wold have left the military if she asked. But now I have to look at this for me. Am I correct in this?
And if I cannot get it lifted how can I express this to her. Because I know she believes I can have it lifted.
The 1SG of his unit actually called me. And we spoke about the NC and he said the NC is not up to me so I'm not sure it could be lifted on my request, like you said they saw the info I presented and decided themselves to initiate the NC.
In that case, I would change my recommended reply, thus:
"I understand that you feel I'm doing this to be 'mean,' but I am not. Everything I have done, I have done to try and fight for our marriage, and I stand by my decisions. You (and OM) are both free to do whatever you want, you're a grown woman and I have no desire to control you. You both just need to understand that there are natural consequences for the choices you both already made, such as the fact that the NC order is, legally, out of my hands now. Frankly I've already wasted too much of my valuable life on this and I realize now that I deserve better.
I have allot to think about and I have to make a decision on what "I WANT!" Not use to that. And I know I need to let her go, and at least I know I am not giving up, just letting go of my worries for us. And just focusing on the betterment of me.
There is definitely a difference between "letting go" and "giving up," Rys. It took me awhile to finally get that, and to accept it. For me, it made it easier to give her to GOD, but regardless, you have to come to the full-on realization that YOU CANNOT CONTROL HER, AND YOU SHOULDN'T WANT TO.
That's not easy for us guys, who are by nature fixers/problem-solvers.
Starsky, It is without a doubt the hardset thing to realize and do. Especially knowing how much you still love that person and also because i am a man who likes to solve problems, i am also an NCO and putting out fires and solving problems was what i do best. I have been racking my brain about this entire situation for months now, waffling back and forth about things and how to handle the situation. I think it might be time to just open my arms and let the eagle fly, and see where the winds take her. because as i try to hold on, all im doing is getting cut and scratched and making her resent me more instead of leaving a pleasant memory of who i am she see's me as the Problem and actually seems to dispise me from what her friends have said.
I had a idea it might be radical but it is just an idea. It hit me when i wokeup. I was thinking about the NC and About a possible D. What if when i talked to her i offered a compromise. Now I do not want her to look at me as weak and i do not want to compromise my values, but i also know she is becoming really depressed. so what if i said something to the likes of this. " I will have the command remove the NC if you make a promise to me! Now that promise is this. If i remove NC she Files for D. That way i don't look weak but i am still giving her what she wants. or AM I JUST LOONEY! now this is obviously based on if it is possible to get the Command to drop the NC.
No. You're trying to rescue her (and her OM) from the consequences of their actions. Let Life teach them; it's not your job to rescue her anymore. She fired you from that position.
