I am new here and I hope that I have posted this message in the right place. My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4.5 years. We have two children, 5 and 6 years old. Our whole time together I have been the person who has largely been in control of the relationship. I have not felt like this was in a domineering sort of way, just really that I am more intelligent (that's not meant to sound big headed or anything) and so when it has come time to make decisions on things I have usually taken the initiative, partly because she has not been interested in things. For example, she wouldn't be able to tell me how much an electricity bill was.
So, we have gotten along fine for years but in recent months I had noticed that she was being more distant with me. We argue quite a bit, and on some of the occasions when we argue I have really shouted and been nasty to her. I realise now that this was wrong, and I think I knew at the time, but I thought that was just how our relationship and arguments went. She was also angry and nasty to me when we argued, but not to the same degree as I have been to her.
Anyway, over recent months I noticed that she was on her phone a lot more than usual. Whilst I was literally being sick about 5 months ago I noticed a short while later that texts on her phone to a male colleague matched the very moment I was being ill and she was meant to be looking after our children elsewhere in the house. I confronted her and she said they were just friends. The messages I saw were just friendly work banter but I wasn't happy. Then again, shortly before last Christmas we had been arguing, and somehow it came about that I saw she had been messaging this same person on Christmas day at 7.00am. There was one final time when she has apparently been on a night out to her cousin's house and she came home at 1.00am and thought I was asleep. In the past she would come in drunk, wake me up, and try to initiate sex. This time I heard her creeping about the house, creep upstairs, could sense even with my eyes shut that she was on her phone, and so I jumped up and asked her what she was doing. I saw a message on her phone saying something along the lines of 'have a good night hun, see you soon xxx. The next morning I rang her cousin where she has meant to have been but her cousin knew nothing about her coming to visit her the evening earlier. I confronted my wife and she said she had been out riding on the bus and thinking about the situation. The final straw came when at the end of January she out of the blue told me that she had to go into work to do an extra shift. My wife always complains about work and so I thought it odd that she would be volunteering for extra work. Anyway, she left without getting changed into her work uniform properly and forgot her keys. I went after her to give her the keys and decided to call her up to see what she said. She told me she was in one place but I saw her getting onto a bus and going in the opposite direction. I rang her work place that evening and they said she wasn't there. I had the number of the man she had been texting and so I called him - no answer. I texted my wife to ask what was going on and said I knew she was cheating. She told me I was insane and I needed to go to sleep and get some rest.
The next morning she came home and from out of the blue she said she wanted a divorce. She still insisted at this point that there was no affair etc, that she had been at a female work coleague's house the evening prior but she had had enough of me controlling her every move.
At Christmas time she got a new phone. She left the old phone laying about and I used some sms recovery software to see her old deleted messages. This confirmed that she had been having an affair. In the time between the fake work shift and getting this confirmation she had been spending a lot of time laying in bed, telling me she was confused and needed space. I didn't give her any. I did the thing most people do of pleading, crying, telling her I would change, simply because at that point although I had an inkling that she may have had an affair, I tried to convince myself that this was my wife and she wouldn't do something like that. Well, it turns out she did of course.
So, the situation has been that in the last three weeks I have called, texted, pleaded and begged her to give me one more chance. Even after finding out about the affair, I said to her that I forgive her and that I would not hold it against her. I do really mean that. I know that might sound hard to believe but I have really looked at myself and realise that although it is an awful thing that she has done, I am in part guilty of letting things get so bad that she felt the need to do it. I had thought despite the arguments that our lives together had been good. We had recently gone out to the theatre, been on 10+ foreign holidays in the last 2 years, and our children were extremely happy with us, at school etc.
So, realising a few days ago that my efforts were not being rewarded, I stopped the buying of chocolates, gifts etc and found this board and have ordered the DB book (due to arrive today). I have also read alot about LRT and have started to implement it in the day or two. Obviously this is early into things but by dressing far more smartly than I normally do and having a different attitude towards my wife, even in this short space of time I am seeing her change from being angry at me for pleading etc to being slightly confused by my behaviour and wondering what I am doing.
About a week ago she moved out to her parents house, which is a few miles away, with our children. Because I have been coping badly with things I let her take the children and I have been staying at home alone. I was coping so badly that I have had to go to the doctors a few times and was given anti depressants, and also my parents who were worried for me and worried about the chance of me doing something stupid, had called the ambulance service once or twice. Already since reading about LRT I feel infinitely better. I miss my wife and children like mad of course but I realise that I have to take control of things about myself and stop the pleading and chasing before anything even has a chance of working itself out.
My question now is what should I do next. I take and pick the children up from school and go to her parents to spend some time with them before coming home. My wife is usually there and goes in and out of the room whilst I am with the kids. I don't follow her because it is not our house and I don't want to intrude, I simply spend time with the kids and speak to her when she starts a conversation. Should I continue with LRT or do you think that any other 'method' would be applicable here. I do feel like even after a day or two that she sees me differently but of course I don't want her to think that I have actually got over our split. In her most recent arguments with me her main concern has been that I might call her work and reveal her affair or that I might call the other man and speak to him. I did text him a week or so ago but asking for help rather than in a threatening way. My wife told me he got the messages but would never reply. She still seems to be in the throes of having feelings for this other person even though he is about 15 years older than her, and she says that she doesn't love him, it was just about sex because she says that I did not show her enough attention at home. I believe I did but I suppose perception is a tricky beast.
Sorry for rambling on and not writing things in perfect order. I just wanted to get this out there and see if anyone could offer some advice about what to do next. Oh, I should say that my wife says she has not been to see a solicitor and has not mentioned anything about divorce really since the first few days of ending our relationship. It appears that she may be holding out to see how things go with this other man, who is meant to be leaving her workplace in a few weeks, before maybe reconsidering her position with me. Is there anything I could do to aid towards getting her to get over this other man? I don't want to get her work involved though. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't want to work on things after all our history and good times together but she was adamant that it's over, although saying that at times has said you never know what might happen in the future, and has also said that she doesn't want to give me false hope but maybe there is a chance things might work out. I love her dearly and want her back. Her parents are both catholic and are really pro marriage but after the initial shock of her admitting her affair, they seem to be supporting her in finding a new place to rent.
Thanks for reading.
BD - 30TH JAN 2015 S - 30TH JAN 2015 PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014) CONTINUAL TALK OF D ME: 31 W: 28 T: 10yrs M: 4.5yrs D:5, S:6
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Yesterday my wife thought I had been to the solicitors because I decided to dress in a suit, something I never normally do. I picked the kids up from her parents', took them to school, and then later on picked them up from school meeting my wife there and took them back to her parents'. My wife was talking to another parent at the school. I went over, said hello, she kind of scowled at me, and so minute later I decided to stand apart and use my mobile. When the kids came out my son was a little naugjty, wanting to hold his mum's hand and not doing what I said. My wife and I didn't speak all the way back to hee parents' in the car although I was very upbeat with the children. I reasoned I would not initiate conversation. About an hour at her parents' with kids and then time for home. The whole time my wife was out the room and seemed to be mainly on the phone to someone. She kept out the way in the garden so I guess it was someone she didn't want me to know about. At the end of my time there she let me out the house and got annoyed I wasn't communicating, said we need to for the kids' sake. She said I was a liar and that she didn't care anymore. I think her face and tone belied what she was saying though. I think maybe even a day of little contact, dressing differently and a change in attitude has had an affect. I'm not sure whether that's a good or bad one though. I want her to sense the loss I do but I don't want to alienate her. It's a difficult balancing act. DB book came yesterday. I've read the first 70 pages. Very interesting stuff. I've scanned through the second half and can't wait to put into action some of the little things I've read...not yet though...need ti finish the book and reflect forba day or so I think on what is best way to go about things.
BD - 30TH JAN 2015 S - 30TH JAN 2015 PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014) CONTINUAL TALK OF D ME: 31 W: 28 T: 10yrs M: 4.5yrs D:5, S:6
I've just come back from picking the kids up and seeing my wife. She started out very hostile with me. I think wearing a suit and completely changing from pleading and moping took her by surprise...but in the wrong way. She was adamant I have an agenda and thought it was that I wanted to go through the courts to sort out custody of our children. I told her that was not the case but she didn't believe me. The conversation went on and she was so annoyed with me and demanded honesty that in the end I said I had been reading about people going through what we are and that sometimes things work out, I broke down momentarily and said how I felt, that I still love and didn't want any if this. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do but it certainly did ease the tension. She said we are separated...like I didn't know...and she said that I was free to see other people if I wanted to. I said I didn't want to. The way she said it thigh wasn't very convincing. It appeared like she would be deeply bothered if I saw.someone else. I asked if she wanted to see anyone else and she said, no, she hates all men. In the end she requested that we be nicer tobeach other forbthe sake.of the kids. I have to say I have tried being nothing but nice, mayve not instigating conversations but not being rude etc. She had picked up on this attitude and thought that I was over her already.
We have arranged to go out with our children for tea tomorrow evening. We have been out a few times with the kids in the last few weeks but each time I was still in the begging and pleading phase. Just last saturday we went to the cinema and I spent most of the time crying in the seat next to her. That won't happen tomorrow. I plan to be strong and have a nice friendly time with the kids and her. I hope through reconnecting over time through family events such as this thY we can reconcile. I can see it taking weeks rather than months but i am in this for the long haul. Does anyone have any advice on what to do and not do at our meeting tomorrow? Obviously the children will be present. I hope this is a turning point as surely being nice with each other as a family will start to heal things.
I've written this from my mobile so apologies for typos etc.
BD - 30TH JAN 2015 S - 30TH JAN 2015 PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014) CONTINUAL TALK OF D ME: 31 W: 28 T: 10yrs M: 4.5yrs D:5, S:6
I meant taking months not weeks of course in my last post.
BD - 30TH JAN 2015 S - 30TH JAN 2015 PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014) CONTINUAL TALK OF D ME: 31 W: 28 T: 10yrs M: 4.5yrs D:5, S:6
I guess my opinion and sorry this is just my advise is for you to read and digest any useful information, but be yourself, and do not plea or beg for your wife, do for your children which is important and think of your wife not as a friend, but as someone you care for. It is difficult but I know that if she sees you as your supportive for the children and that you want her to spend a good time and you are not needy for her to comeback, maybe you may see a turning point.
I hope all goes well with you :-)
Keep me updated how it all goes with you, as I have started to keep a track with the forum, it is really great and I have ordered the book.
I've been to pick the kids up and take them to school. Things were a lot better this morning in some respects. My wife had worked a night shift and was barely awake when I arrived. She was just staying up to say goodbye to the kids. I only spoke to her a couple of times, asking about work, if she was tired etc. She replied in a pleasant enough manner. The only downside being that when I asked if she was still alright to gi out for tea this evening she said she didht know whether that was a good idea. I said just let me know. She said, well, you're takibg them anyway, aren't you? Which I am. I hope she does come with us of course but I won't text or call to push her. I think I'll wait and see if she contacts me to go herself. I don't want to apply pressure. At least things are cordial atbthe moment and the intense anger/hatred if the last few days appears to gave subsided. Let's see what happens later today.
BD - 30TH JAN 2015 S - 30TH JAN 2015 PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014) CONTINUAL TALK OF D ME: 31 W: 28 T: 10yrs M: 4.5yrs D:5, S:6
I've just purchased some coaching sessions. I have been feeling better in recent days but I have just returned from a family meal out and feel awful. Untried hard to socialise but my heart wasn't in it. I miss my wife and children so much. I just hope I can find a way to get things back on track.
BD - 30TH JAN 2015 S - 30TH JAN 2015 PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014) CONTINUAL TALK OF D ME: 31 W: 28 T: 10yrs M: 4.5yrs D:5, S:6
I have DB book now. I have read about three quarters of it, although not in sequenece. The book is excellent although I find it slanted towards people still living together. My wife moved to her parents about 10 days ago. Since I've stopped chasing her contact is limited to picking up and dropping off children for school. I see her for maybe at most 30 minutes a day. In that time she is generally angry at me for whatever reason. She had the affair but doesnt trust ne. I have read a lot about the techniques. They seem logical and good ideas. My concern is that they may be subtle for my wife to notice in the shirt time we are together each day. As I wrote above, wearing a suit just ked her to think I was going to a solicitor. Being upbeat and confident led her to think ibwas moving on and over her since it was such a shock to her from pleading a day orbtwo prior. I feel like I'm trying hard to make various changes but they may be backfiring. My wife is headstrong but at the same time easily influenced by parents, work colleagues etc. I wish DB had some more advice on a spouse letting go of an affair. As mentioned above my wife post break up seemed.more concerned about me calling her workplace and landing the other man in hitbwater than anything else. At the same.time she insists they have finished. I know they still contact each other. She said after they had sex that the next time they saw each other in work they would just act like friends again. She mentioned how she was obsessed with this other man despite his pot belly and older age. She said she would be annoyed that he blew hot and cold and would nit be interested in her for a while after sex. My feeling is she is still in the throes of her affair obsession hence why she won't work on our marriage. I get the feeling the OM is playing it cool at the moment. I wish there was a way to terminate their communication. He leaves for another job soon although of course they could still maintain contact. I tried LRT but as I write above she got the the wrong end of the stick, got extremely angry, and I broke down for a minute in a moment of honesty and said I didn't want this, I still loved her etc. That eased the tension but seemed to have out the ball back in her court. I just wonder what changes I can make that will provide a response from her in the little time we have together. I have tried to make goals of making her laugh or getting through a meeting without anger from her. Maybe I'm expecting too much in one go. Everything is so confusing. We went on 4 holidays last year, had some arguments along the way but I thought we were generally fine. Of course We weren't but I've got the coaching package because I don't know what to do next for the best. Being nice to her, helping her out seems to get the best response but I'm worried I'm just being a doormat whilst she lines up all her ducks in a row.
BD - 30TH JAN 2015 S - 30TH JAN 2015 PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014) CONTINUAL TALK OF D ME: 31 W: 28 T: 10yrs M: 4.5yrs D:5, S:6
