As we continue to move forward from here, I want to quote some lines from a song currently in my playlist:
"...I still fall on my face sometimes And I can't color inside the lines 'Cause I'm perfectly incomplete I'm still working on my masterpiece And I, I wanna hang with the greats Got a way to go, but it's worth the wait No, you haven't seen the best of me I'm still working on my masterpiece..."
-- "Masterpiece" by Jessie J
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Your W is all over the map. You cannot rationalize with the irrational because it is ...er...not rational!
I'd suggest that you brush up a bit on the emotional aikido that I recently updated in the Validation: Cheat Sheet.
Thanks -- and yes, totally irrational right now... Can't go into details about some info I got this afternoon, but another family member is now completely convinced that W is extremely mentally unstable right at the moment and may be on the verge of a nervous breakdown TODAY. W isn't home right now, so God only knows who/what is coming home tonight... I'm going to try to stay as far under the radar as possible...
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Try not to fight W against her views. Just nod your head and be cool. There's no point in arguing against them when she's in her monster phase.
So true.
Actually did try to sprinkle in some Validation phrases throughout the email I sent earlier... Not sure if it helped or not -- she has not replied back to that email yet, but I am sure she's read it... Her reply should be LOTS of fun to read... not...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Along with the irrational angle. I found that even attempting to converse via text/email was not beneficial. Seems they will run with anything, get all fired up and spew, go back and read it again a month later and spew more. For schedules and such its perfect but anything that has emotion in it I learned to avoid and set a boundary in this area. If W wanted to discuss something that was not clear cut and emotionless I refused to have the conversation via that medium ... in person only. This helped as IF I did slip up and say something I could make sure she understood what I meant right there, or in my case she basically would forget 80% of what was said anyways ... turned out to be safer to have those talks in person for me.
Jer truth is she isn't going to be happy with you.
You hit her with a financial reality and that is the breadwinner is almost always going to have to cough up childcare.
She can be as sweet as peaches as long as things go her way, and its no skin off her nose to be pleasant when things ARE going her way.
But right now, now that lawyers are going to be involved, now that she is starting to see that this is not going to be as easy, clean or financially light as she hoped?
You will see the monster as you call her.
And you know what?
No LBS here is the white knight that comes in and slays the MLC monster...we are the white knight in the face of that monster though. We have to protect ourselves, we defend our lives and livelihoods. We do not sacrifice ourselves on the MLC altar, hoping they notice and change their ways. Martyrdom does not work here.
There is an old saying, Use your anger as your shield NOT your sword. I know its old cause I am old.
Use it to remain firm and fair in this. Not vindictive. Use it to power you along and not fall for sweet words and false niceties.
In the face of her storm, be the lighthouse. In the face of her monster be the knight.
Be calm, be strong, and show it and one day, hopefully, maybe she will recall and thank you for how YOU acted in the face of her crazy.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
One other thing to keep in mind is that MLCers cannot handle tons of information. When you communicate with W via email, keep them short, concise, and to the point.
There's a strong correlation between MLC and Swiss Cheese brain. They tend to forget information and details easily even if you repeat them the next day.
I think her inconsistent sleeping patterns is affecting her thought process in a big way. It applies to every human being. When one throws MLC in the mix, it is a potent mixture that is in W's bunsen tube. This is why I advise you not to argue or fight against W's interrupted thought process.
She's a broken C-3PO whose innards are turned inside out and sticking out all over the place.
Luke Skywalker can't fix W's broken down C-3PO fast enough.
Okay -- I want to reply to everyone's posts so far... But before I do... WOW -- there is a whole new version of Monster at home this evening... this one seems to be breathing fire...
I was ready for her to demand that I leave the master bedroom tonight, but for some reason that didn't happen... I would have fought her on it, but I still think that fight is coming at some point. I know she's pissed about having to sleep on the couch, but this was all her choice -- I never kicked her out of the bedroom.
There is a lot contributing to the new monster that is surfacing... one part has to do with what happened between her and another family member today, one part has to do with the emails that went back and forth between us, and another has to do with the co-parenting agreement and point about child support... I have never seen my W acting or looking like this around me.
Don't worry -- I don't think I'm in physical danger -- but W is definitely spinning and in a VERY fowl mood.
So Cali -- yeah, emails can be problematic, but in the past they've actually worked fairly well for us because we both have time to read, think/process, and give thoughtful replies...
But -- they can be problematic at times like this... As Wonka pointed out -- they can contain too much info for the MLCer...
And I think that might be part of the problem in this case... BUT -- she started it with a long email yesterday... I just replied to each of her points... and then she replied to my points and then I replied to her points... And now she's walking around the house not looking me in the eye, barely speaking to me, and slamming doors every chance she gets -- especially the master bedroom door...
Jack -- oh boy... Yeah -- I think she's ticked off about the child support thing. I don't know if she looked into that any further after replying to me about it, but I haven't said anything else to her... Still waiting for a reply back from my lawyer about it. But, again, she's main breadwinner AND this was all her decision... And, if she is telling the truth and what she is currently saying is NOT a bunch of MLC spew/script, then what she told me today about realizing she didn't really love me when she was pregnant with our first (8 years ago!) means that she and I had three kids together with her knowing/thinking she didn't really love me and wouldn't spend the rest of her life with me... What does she expect? That I'm just going to magically have the money I need to match her in terms of what she can provide for the kids? Oh -- and in the discussions so far she's expressed a desire for us to split all of the kid expenses 50/50... So without CS my % of expenses on the kids will be a much larger % of my take-home pay than hers will ever be...
I know this is MLC and what she said to me today in the emails is NOT TRUE... But if it is... If I've read all of this completely wrong and she isn't an MLCer, then I've lived nearly 10 years with someone who has lied to me continuously, is not who I thought she was, and who has been content up until now to live a complete lie to all of our family and friends... Wow, wow, wow...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Okay -- I want to reply to everyone's posts so far... But before I do... WOW -- there is a whole new version of Monster at home this evening... this one seems to be breathing fire...
I was ready for her to demand that I leave the master bedroom tonight, but for some reason that didn't happen... I would have fought her on it, but I still think that fight is coming at some point. I know she's pissed about having to sleep on the couch, but this was all her choice -- I never kicked her out of the bedroom.
There is a lot contributing to the new monster that is surfacing... one part has to do with what happened between her and another family member today, one part has to do with the emails that went back and forth between us, and another has to do with the co-parenting agreement and point about child support... I have never seen my W acting or looking like this around me.
Don't worry -- I don't think I'm in physical danger -- but W is definitely spinning and in a VERY fowl mood.
Thing is, although you MAY be correct about the "why" of her mood, truth is, you don't, or may never know why she is in a foul mood.
Most of what I have seen, there isn't one particular thing that causes it. Mostly, it's about the loss of control in their lives. They see their new life, as being in control of everything, mostly because MLCers have the false image of not having any control over their lives to this point.
They feel as though nothing has ever been in their control, so by the bomb, and actions since the bomb, they feel as though they are FINALLY taking control over their life.
And when the LBS starts getting stronger, and making the better decisions, they feel their whole world getting turned upside down. And dammit, that isn't the way it was SUPPOSED to be ....
Most MLCers use the one freakin tool, that has worked the best for them......anger
She wasn't expecting you to be this strong...
She wasn't expecting you to own your responsibilities as well as you are now owning them.
This ( the bomb), was supposed to make HER stronger....not you
MLC is such an emotional uproar, that she needs you to deal with things emotionally, instead of rationally, and anger helps her to engage that. Or at least it USED to do that.
You turned the tides, and she is trying her old friend anger once again.
Stay YOUR course through this.
Like 3Beans says, use your anger as a shield, not a sword.
You will get the point where you will see this coming at you, and maybe even giggle inside when it happens. Know what it is, and deal with it.
Originally Posted By: Jer
I know this is MLC and what she said to me today in the emails is NOT TRUE... But if it is... If I've read all of this completely wrong and she isn't an MLCer, then I've lived nearly 10 years with someone who has lied to me continuously, is not who I thought she was, and who has been content up until now to live a complete lie to all of our family and friends... Wow, wow, wow...
Lie to you
Lie to them
Lie to herself ???
To her, this is real, and those things are real...
Are they correct ? Probably not.
But ya know...
As long as it is her perception, it isn't a lie....
Sooo... W just came downstairs before leaving for work... walked into the office and stood behind me... I turned around and it was apparent that she wanted to talk... I had my walls up ready for battle... Her walls were up too -- at first...
We ended up having a long, tear-filled conversation about everything -- our past, our current situation, our feelings, our anger, how much we are both hurting, and so much more... Lots of crying... Some holding of hands and hugging (at times each of us taking the initiative)... and ending with a really long and tight hug...
Still heading towards separation, but it's the first time in months that I felt like I was having a conversation with my W and not an MLCer or Monster...
She is definitely having or at the beginning of a nervous breakdown. Doesn't change the fact that she wants us to separate/divorce -- but for the first time in months I feel like we were both really talking to one another from the heart and really hearing each other.
Unless she was faking all of this as well -- but I don't think she was based on how she broke down at times during the conversation...
I really do need to get out of this house so we both have the space we need to heal and move forward. I still have full faith that God is working on this situation -- working on both of us --- but I also think we need the space and time away from each other for her to really miss me. Maybe I'm wrong about that -- but either way, the space from each other is needed in order for us both to continue healing.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
