Starting to see the 'what do I do for Valentine's day?' questions popping up in different threads. For what it's worth, here's my story from last year...
I was feeling good because I had seen OM contact drop off on the cell records. Although neither of us got a card or gift, we spent Valentine's Day as a family- sledding, making pancakes, watching a movie. W left the house later in the evening to get stuff for the kids at her place. Checked cell records later that night and sure enough- 20 min call to OM while she was gone. Evening of the 15th, W went to a 'bachlorette party' for a coworker, at least that's what she told me. Even wrapped a wine glass in front of me. Text me the next morning about doing dinner and game night with the kids= my expectations went up.
Long story short, a month later, I discovered evidence that she had gone over to OM's house for dinner (and probably more) on the 15th.
Go into this 'holiday' with no expectations. Buying or not buying a gift, giving a card or making dinner plans on one Hallmark holiday is not going to swing your sitch one way or the other. If there's an OP involved, don't feel the need to make a grand gesture to express your undying love just because of a date on the calendar. Instead, spend the day with someone who gives you the love and respect you deserve- family, friends, kids...
MWD posted a FB status about this very topic the other day.
V-Day carries a slightly different "meaning" for me; it's my anniversary. Granted, H is back home. However, this is not only our anniversary but our anti-versary; I discovered he was cheating on Feb. 19 last year, five days after our 10th wedding anniversary. On our anniversary date, he was taking selfies and sending them to OW. And he went to sleep after our date but later awoke to text her through the night.
I'm having to talk to myself a lot right now and tell myself that I won't lose control of my emotions, whether that's crying my face off or lashing out. (I'm ashamed to admit I've been doing quite a bit of the latter recently.)
All that being said, I think the idea for LBSs to make V-Day a kid-centered day is the greatest idea ever. I usually do that for my kids, even though it's our anniversary. (I typically spend the day making it special for the kids and then go out with H at night.)
Here are some ideas: Start the day with heart-shaped pancakes. Buy temporary tattoos. Make cupcakes or cookies, and let the kids decorate them with icing and sprinkles/candies. Have a fondue dinner! (We've made Swiss cheese fondue with bread, veggies and Granny Smith apples and then followed it with chocolate fondue with fruits, rice krispie treats, brownies, marshmallows, etc. for dipping.) Make homemade cards and send to family or leave with mail carriers ... or drop off at police stations and/or fire departments. Watch a comedy and indulge with popcorn!
Now, if you DON'T have kids? Well .....
Do what *I* would do: head to your local bar.
Bahahahaha!!! I'm totally KIDDING. Spend the day, as you said, Tar, with family and friends who are available to show true love this year.
People say Valentine's Day is just a day on a calendar and it's overrated. And it is exactly both of those things. But for the LBSs who are already feeling abandoned and lonely and vulnerable, it is what it is: a day (however commercialized) that magnifies the feelings they are already grappling with. My own heart will ache because of my own journey, and it will ache for the folks here who I know will be hurting. The good news is: One day lasts only 24 hours. And anticipation is typically far worse than reality. The sun will come up on Feb. 15, and we will all be just fine.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Good advice Train. I'm struggling with V Day myself....no kids, so I guess i'll just head to the bar! (Just kidding...) Someone posted somewhere else, that's is't a good day to show lots of self-love too - along with spending time with family/friends. I'm going to treat myself to a little something nice tomorrow...:-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I've been hesitant on posting this update because I'm not sure how it will go over on these boards, but here it goes anyways...
Couple weekends back I went to a local bar with a friend of mine. Long story short, a discussion about cheesy pickup lines eventually led me (innocently) to a table of two women behind us. Conversation took place and a while later my buddy took off. The two women asked if they could join me at the bar and we carried on our conversation (I even provided my story, which went over better than I've been expecting it to). In my new found confidence, these opportunities almost come across as a game in my own head. Having always been an introvert, I've been 'testing' myself on how outgoing I can be in different situations.
Well, to get to the point of my story, I 'hooked up' with one of the women. Yes, I had been drinking, but not enough to effect my decision making. I knew perfectly well what I was doing and looking back on it, probably was the initiator (even though she asked me for my number). To be honest, I almost felt numb afterwards- like I should feel terrible about it, but didn't?? I've had moments where I think back on it and do feel that it was probably wrong based on my morals/values. Then I have moments where I think if she called me up this weekend, I'd say 'sure'. To be clear- I have no intent on starting a R with her and I think she felt likewise.
I felt no guilt or that what I was doing was wrong that night. And to be honest, still to this day I don't know how I feel about it, which is why I'm posting. I've never done that before. My W was my first 'real' R (probably part of our problem) and the first person I had ever been intimate with. I do feel a bit of guilt, but also a boost in confidence in that it showed me that there ARE other fish in the sea.
I've been S for almost 1 1/2 yrs and I've 'moved on' from W emotionally. Our only interactions are kid/schedule related and we still struggle with being cordial with each other. Ex- sent W an email yesterday about all the things going on with the kids this week and she took it as insulting her parenting skills?? I think the problem is that we both interpret the other's communication as attacking.
Anyways, I know some of you will think I was wrong for my actions, but knowing this forum is anonymous, I feel safe in sharing my story.
I've been S for almost 1 1/2 yrs and I've 'moved on' from W emotionally.
Did you give her the courtesy and respect of discussing your intention to resume dating? Did you two AGREE that during this phase you'd each be dating others?
Everyone draws this line in a slightly different place, Tar, but without the above I don't see how what you've done is any different than what you beat the cr*p out of your wife for doing. "It felt right, and I really don't consider us together anymore, so . . . " Right?
It seems that you were present in the moment and no expectation hang ups. Perhaps this is why you felt pretty much "nothing." It is what it is...just that. A moment in time space where you were able to enjoy some company at the local bar.
I am glad to hear that you're working on putting yourself out there more frequently.
Starsky/Wonka- both of your posts are exactly how I feel. Was it a hypocritical action on my part or just a moment in time for someone who truly believes is (and ok with) headed for D within the next couple mos??
I have not had the 'dating' conversation with W. Of course, we never did when she started dating during our S either. To be honest, at this point I think if I initiated that conversation, it would only come across to W as inconsequential. I have no reason to believe that she's still not in contact with OM or dating someone else. I found out yesterday that this past weekend she went to the same Vet conference in which she hooked up/kissed/whatever with someone 2 yrs ago- before BD. She hasn't been a vet tech since the summer, so no reason to go other than to hang out with old friends and party- that's what goes on there. Regardless, that doesn't bother me anymore because I've accepted the fact that we're D, just without the paperwork. The same paperwork she plans on filing once our tax return comes in (should be a few weeks).
