Thanks you two. It's definitely been an easier few days.
I caught up with your sitch's too as I've been a bit busy of late. I know what you mean with the NC Mozza, it has been that that's helped. Funnily enough, I went to show my S13 my new car today (he was just leaving our house) and he happened to mention that W had been out drinking last night and was feeling hung-over. She has never been one for regular drinking but this has stepped up of late. I've since been told that she was out with one of the workmates (who is 10 years her junior). It only took this snippet of info to reach my ears to get me thinking that this "friend" is encouraging her to "get back on the horse" and set up a date etc etc. This may be nothing like the truth, I'm not to know.
I managed to silence these thoughts by simply thinking that "I cannot control what W is doing". My problem at the moment is that I do still believe that there is no OM on the scene (at the moment), but that he's on his way at some point if we can't R. In knowing this, it's made me look at our M and R is greater detail and very similar to the lists you and Karma have been talking about Mozza, I did the same. I've been carrying a note-pad around with me for the last week and jotting down any thoughts that came to mind that I'd forget later and it was quite interesting reading some of it back.
My thoughts at the moment are that I still do want to R with my WAW, but that there's no possible way of going back to what we had..I don't even want to. The list of issues that I have with my W is sizeable, from important issues of independence and intimacy, down to her not putting the top back on the toothpaste. As I look down the list, there are many things which she could make effort to change if she wanted too, but there are some which I don't think will change. Now she's effectively been kidnapped by aliens too, her convictions about some of the issues are even stronger. I'd rather not go into what these are here out of respect for my W.
Mozza, to go back to your questions in an earlier post..
Regarding me being someone I don't want to be. I was referring at the time to being some bunjee jumping, extreme sporting, constantly socialising animal. The truth is, I'm happy to have a few friends who I can socialise with and spend the majority of my time with my W and kids. I've always been that way.
On reflection though, it's exactly BECAUSE I've always been that way that I'm where I am in my life. My W would probably say I'm a "Nice Guy"..just not to her particularly. That would be true. I really wish I'd have read DB, DR and NMMNG long ago, it may have saved my M. It may still do, however unlikely it seems right now. I'm not going to worry about the sitch for the time being, I actually need to detach from the closeness of it all just as much as I do from my W. I'm really just looking out for me and the kids and letting the rest take care of itself right now. As I type this, W has just text'd asking me if I'm ok and we exchanged a couple of pleasant messages. I knew where to stop this time and we stopped on good terms but still with no plans to meet up or anything. The key point there is that she contacted me. What works??...backing off Barry, that's what!
Regarding to why my W has so many people on her "side". I actually found out during the week that my W has asked her family and even some mutual friends not to initiate contact with me. She hasn't gone as far as to say "don't speak to him" though. I met up with W's older sister for a drink the other day, we've always got on very well and although we did talk briefly about the sitch, she wasn't telling me anything I don't know already (e.g. W really seems to have made her mind up about things). I have been in touch with some of them over the last couple of months and to be fair, they've all said that W is NOT saying anything bad about me at all. She has told me this too. I do have people on my "side" so to speak, but ultimately, this is one battle where no amount of allies will help.
Lastly, and regarding my faults that have contributed to the breakdown of our M, I'm going to post about this separately tomorrow when I've given it a little more thought. I know a lot of the problems, but some of them are just symptoms, not the root cause.
Hope everyone has a good evening
Barry.
Me 40 W 38 T 23 M 21 S21 S19 D16 S14 BD 19/12/2014 D mentioned 27/2/2015. I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Not much going on in my sitch at the moment. W is not wanting any contact still. I will be seeing her tomorrow morning as we have a meeting with the Principal at a school my S13 is attending hopefully in the short term. As I've said before, he has some issues at school which started before BD but have really stepped up in intensity since.
She may well think I've forgotten about the meeting as I haven't been in touch about it. I'm just going to turn up (nice and early) for it. It's the sort of meeting that the old me would have let W attend on her own whilst I worked (she wouldn't have minded this. Now we're separated though, I only get told half the truth from my S13, and half the story by W...and I don't believe half of that either!! So I'll go and hear it all for myself and see what can be done to help him.
I had a bit of a sad evening last night. No tears but certainly a lump in my throat. The weekends are always a bit painful for me. I allowed myself 2 hours to sit and mope about things before I wiped the thoughts away. I actually don't want the pain or sadness of my sitch to completly dissapear. If that happens, I guess my hopes or R will be over and I'll have to move on alone. Realistically, R is so unlikely at the moment that I've used it to detach somewhat.
I have an open offer to go for coffee, or maybe even dinner with a woman I knew many years ago. She is single (and attractive) but it would not be a "date", just an evening with female company. However, I'm aware that although this may fill a void in me (I do miss female company, but obviously my W is who I really want to be with), if W were to find out about it it would really be saying to her "it's ok to date whilst separated". I don't want to, and I don't really want her to either.
So for the moment I won't go. There's no rush to do anything...particularly the wrong thing!!
I've filled this week with GAL activities to keep occupied...
Today - Visiting S20, out for a meal. Tomorrow - Cinema with D15 and S13. Wednesday - Joining my old football team again (out injured for a year). Thursday - Start of my Emotional Wellbeing course. Friday - Gym, then seeing some friends.
This is becoming easier to do as I become more detached and less reliant on my W's company to keep my mental state buoyant. I truly never realised how wrapped up in letting her emotions rule mine I was. I'm not changing my mind about the sitch and I will continue to DB my way through this until there is no way back. It's just that I can't let the sitch rule my life any more.
Barry.
Me 40 W 38 T 23 M 21 S21 S19 D16 S14 BD 19/12/2014 D mentioned 27/2/2015. I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
A week after BD, I went back to my doctor to get help as I was so depressed I was worried about my state of mind. I got antidepressants, and also the details of a government funded initiative..."Let's Talk". I called them initially to see about councilling. As part of the call, they offered me a place on the above EWB course. At the time, it was 6 weeks away though!
What I really wanted was an IC but I took the place on the course anyway and they were supposed to send me some details of IC's through the post (those details never came but I ended up arranging my IC through my employer's healthcare package). So this course starts on Thursday, it's an hour and a half each week, for 6 weeks. From what I've read in the literature they sent me, it's a group setting (between 6 and 15 people), and the course is designed to help you be able to recognise and cope with your emotions. There is no pressure for individuals to speak openly to the group of their problems.
I'm totally not the sort of person who would ever have signed up for this before but I need all the help I can get. So now I've got my meds (which really do seem to be working now), my IC, this course, my self help books...and last but not least, you guys. I'll fill you in on the course content better when I've been a couple of times.
Barry.
Me 40 W 38 T 23 M 21 S21 S19 D16 S14 BD 19/12/2014 D mentioned 27/2/2015. I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
I'll let you know what it's like Toots. As I say, for the last 10 days or so, I've been able to keep my emotions in check and my PMA has been high. I don't feel like I need it as much as I did 6 weeks ago. However, I know that could all change at any point so it's really about being better prepared for when that happens. I'd thought about the opportunity to meet new people too. Let's see...I have nothing to lose from it.
Had a nice meal with S20 tonight. He's at Uni but it's only about 30 miles away so not too bad. He's training to be a teacher and is getting on really well. He's really making his way in life and has a lovely girlfriend. I'm very proud of him, of all my kids. I miss them all very much.
Looking forward to seeing D15 & S13 tomorrow for the Cinema. My D15 I see quite a lot, she comes to see me and texts me all the time. My S13 has been a different story though. He doesn't answer my calls very often, and text replies are one word. I offer to do things with him, or if he just wants to watch TV with me, that's fine too. He's not very receptive to it all though.
I did speak to him tonight and he's got a stinking cold, and I think he's a bit worried about the meeting with the school on the morning. He did a week there about a month ago, and it's really designed for "problem kids" who because they disrupt lessons so much in their respective schools, they all get put together. He does struggle academically though and they do get extra help, smaller class sizes etc so we'll see how it goes. It's hard for me to help him out with schoolwork or keep tabs on his progress when we're S though.
My S18 called me tonight too, so a full house . We're on opposite shifts this week so I'll see him briefly each day but will catch up properly at the weekend.
W did text me tonight just saying "Hi am I just taking S13 tomorrow or are you coming too". I just said "Hi, I'm coming too, I'll meet you both there". It's going to be a fairly brief meeting I think, and of course my S13 is my only real concern and reason for going.
It's difficult for me to see W for any reason at the moment. Although I feel like I'm detaching from the sitch a little, when I see her it stokes the fire. I have to admit that I'm a bit confused about my feelings at the moment too.
Is it common that I've actually been thinking about whether or not this IS the right thing to do? Does that mean that maybe I DONT love my W as much as I think I do?? My mind HASNT changed, I do want to R with her and that's what confuses me. Maybe it's just healthy thinking and i'm not used to it!!
I'm just wondering if everyone has similar thoughts at times?
Barry.
Me 40 W 38 T 23 M 21 S21 S19 D16 S14 BD 19/12/2014 D mentioned 27/2/2015. I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Is it common that I've actually been thinking about whether or not this IS the right thing to do? Does that mean that maybe I DONT love my W as much as I think I do?? My mind HASNT changed, I do want to R with her and that's what confuses me. Maybe it's just healthy thinking and i'm not used to it!!
I'm just wondering if everyone has similar thoughts at times?
Yes, we all do. Maybell is coming to terms with the idea that her H is unfit as a father. BigMac recently declined his WAW's offer to reconcile and he signed the D papers. I have my own reflection on whether my WAW would be a fit partner for the next 40 years. HPoirot is seriously considering filing for D even though he would have preferred that this never happen. Zelda09 is nearing the piecing stage yet is sometimes upset by her H's recurring behavior. 3kids is wondering whether he should file for D.
For most of us, DBing means getting over an A. It's something we never considered -- in fact, we felt the same way you feel right now, thinking we'd never ever forgive this. But when it happens, we are faced with our choice and we often realize that there is much more than we thought to take into consideration. Some will decide it's too much to forgive, other will do it out of love, for the kids, for the shared history, for the remorse, etc.
As I discuss on my thread these days, it's probably healthy to detach and acknowledge that our WAW do not want us as partners. It's a good idea to explore why is it that we're so hung up on someone who has rejected us without any ambiguity.
I see you haven't posted to anybody else's thread in almost a month. This is a mutual support group, so it would be helpful to get more people interested in your sitch if you went around and offered words of support. In fact, it would help you get some perspective on your sitch to get a little involved in that of other people, providing support or even advice on things that are clear to you. We all struggle with different parts of DBing.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
My overriding thought is that I want to R, but when I look at the real make-up of our M, particularly in recent years, I'm amazed. There are lots of areas where I think I'm settling for less than I should and I know W feels the same way. She as good as said those words. I've used this to start detaching. Like you said, our WAW don't want us now...maybe not ever again. I do believe in the DB process though and she has to travel her own journey as much as I do.
I must admit to being very slack in writing on other people's threads. I do read many of them but it's really only over the last few days where I've felt better placed to chip in with my thoughts on them. Up until now, I've been TOO involved in my own sitch. I read other people's (most of the people you've mentioned above) for insights into my own. I've felt like how can I offer someone marriage advise when my own is being flushed down the toilet. I will start to post more, thanks for the kickstart.
Me 40 W 38 T 23 M 21 S21 S19 D16 S14 BD 19/12/2014 D mentioned 27/2/2015. I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
Hey, Barry, just an FYI: When I started posting to others last year - just as Mozza said up there - I started gaining clarity in my own sitch.
We're all here for the very same reason: We had/are having marital problems. That qualifies us ALL to offer words of wisdom, and - as you know - people here really do love to hear different perspectives.
You have a unique perspective. Share it. It'll help your own confidence in this process a whole lot.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
