Part 14 - Contents may flip without warning

[Sotto]

Yes Edz, it sounds to me like she's very much processing things. She cares enough to raise it with you if she feels you've been stand offish, and she's also willing to have discussions about going forwards.

However, at this point, she doesn't sound at the point of saying - yes let's try again or no there's no hope.

I think it's well worth continuing. If your W just thinks you were standoffish, is it worth doing a little something helpful for her this week? And just monitor how that goes? Nothing huge - but 'oh I saw this and know you needed one' or similar?

I agree with Jim that your sitch sounds a little tantalising in that you and your W have remained on pretty good terms and spend time together. This is good for the sitch, but more testing in terms of PMA, detachment etc. That's maybe something to think about in terms of your own energy.

Hope you have a good day. Black skies here....I think the hail may be heading our way!

[edz]

Hi Toots

Thats kind of where I think she is but I warn myself about opening that door as its very, very hard to keep expectations at bay and I cant afford to get myself optimistic and be slammed down again. Ultimately yes, it feels like she's not ready to make a decision one way or the other, whether thats because of practicalities, being seen as "the bad guy" to s (which she's said she is deeply concerned about) or because she is undecided about whether she truly could try again I simply dont know and I accept I dont know for my own sanity.

Standoffish was, I think, talking about the way I was being aside (not physically but behaviourally) with her and her friend at the ice rink. I had actually been chatting with her friend as I got there 20 minutes or so before w when w arrived I backed out of the conversation so they could chat and interacted more with s and his friend.

It does (seem) to say something that w hasnt just considered me not worth the effort though I agree, even allowing for her just wanting to have more time with s and us together for his benefit and the fact I have in conversation said sometimes it will be nice for all of us to be together and it doesnt necessarilly signal anything (reducing the feeling of it being pursuit or me reading things that arent there) she does seem to want to pull me back from time to time.

Im sure she'd deny it if pushed though, I of course have no intention of doing so.

Hmm, something nice. Will think on that, a little tricky without appearing like its pursuit though, I know there are things she wants to do in the flat but I'd rather stay out of those, they are her making her life without me and I'd rather not appear to support it, I need to think of something apart from yesterdays lunch, that is just for her/s as a nice gesture. Mmmmm, thinking required.

The hail has indeed passed so get somewhere with a good roof if its coming up to you it was very heavy hail and looked like the bottom of my sons fishtank outside for a while! Hopefully it will 'just' be rain by the time you get it

Thanks Toots

[edz]

Well both beds changed with clean sheets, washing done and drying, bft fed and her litter changed (uggh!) Bins done, dinner made and munched, dishes done and chilling out time.

Car tax sorted today first time I won't need to show a tax disc since I started driving, odd!

Confirmed my leave booking so off 2 days this week and 2 next so 6 days off from Thursday.

Sent a very, very brief email to w just confirming those to see which days I can have s. Not heard from her today not really expecting to tbh.

So just chilling tonight. Swimming tomorrow night.
Bit of an ermmmmm now what evening..

[Vanilla]

I trust the Er hem involved Edz time and batteries renewed.

V

[edz]

Morning all

V I had to read that twice (not had an opportunity for coffee yet) er hem time, batteries what kind of person do you think I am....although...nahhh.

Just chilled out read my book(s) (started another one) music and a bit of tv before a bath and bed, nothing to set the world aflame.

As I said I emailed w confirming my leave days she seems to be back in clipped email mode again for some reason, sigh, "let me know what you want you could have thu/fri".

Considered mirroring and just saying "fine" but I dont want to be that person (Im also starting to think everything w does is a test!). Gave her some time on it in case she came back but no, so went back saying "so thursday then?" "means you get him at the weekend for a bit more of a mix up" (I know she's been upset at only having him in the week for a while so this seems a good opportunity) "tell me more details on pickup/dropoff if so" "give me a shout".

Got a very short reply "can you pick him up about 10 thu".

Again paused after initially thinking just send "ok" but no sent "okey doke, back friday or sat morn whats best for the school stuff" and again short reply "can we see nearer the time".

But then 40 minutes later she was sending me a jokey email about the book (I bought her a physical novel a few weeks back, Id got her a kindle a few years back and a paper white for our anniversary in june before she left in july but she misses hardback books) being heavy and breaking her wrist.

So, yes, confusing again. Sort of movement on thing but still nothing I can go into and all dated before feb, still no one else involved insofar as I know. I suspect thats the main thing at play right now in dragging her to the not trying again side of the decision. Thats not, exactly, mind reading (I do have some info if limited) but it also sort of is, so best not to delve too deep. I will say some of her behaviours have been as far away from those that she's shown in the past 10 years as its seemingly possible to go but again nothing I can go into.

So back to me.

40 reps on the old exercises this morning, hooray no pain afterwards just muscles feel a little tighter (if only they werent in an muffin topping that would possibly be a good thing!) noticed the new trousers I got are starting to get loose around the waist which is good but not around the thighs which isnt (I dont just get a beer belly if Im overweight, it goes...everywhere which is a pain to shift )

So morning calls done, nearly coffee time. I'm really in two minds as to what to do next with w, I am feeling quite detatched, despite all the texts etc my main feeling is frustration at myself as to whether to just say let her get on and I will to (e.g. non-relationship oriented "dates") but I keep coming back to it being a bad idea. I noted in, I think it was Jims thread, someone said their IC had said why, whats stopping you is it theres no excuse no if you're rejected. I suppose theres an element of that but its also the "ejecting" 16 years of history to start over again, theres that element of fun about that thought but also the thought that it could all be a massive failure and make me worse. Hence I just stay solo for now.

I suppose Im just concerned Im still looking to w for "permission" in a way. Codependency in me was predicated on always looking for validation of myself and reassurance, I recognise it instantly when it surfaces now. Theres an echo of it in the feeling I have, I'm waiting on w to blow it up so I feel I have permission to go try. I thought long on that and I think in this case no, its more that w may be hanging on waiting for me to go so she's not the bad guy. Or maybe neither and I just need to stop over analysing!

Anyway will be swimming tonight and then, yay, Tescos for some odds and ends.

[Ggrass]

I actually thought a point g string man, but if batteries are your thang, it's what ever edz wants.

[jim0987]

morning edz.

a quiet relaxed evening is no bad thing sometimes.

....in the feeling I have, I'm waiting on w to blow it up so I feel I have permission to go try. I thought long on that and I think in this case no, its more that w may be hanging on waiting for me to go so she's not the bad guy.

just quoted this as i didnt quite follow. it read like you said your not waiting because your wife is. Are you waiting so your arent the 'bad guy?'

what would your W blowing it up look like?

I'm not tryig topush you in anyway just exploring your thinking a little (so by all means ignore me)

[edz]

I actually thought a point g string man, but if batteries are your thang, it's what ever edz wants.

Now why did I know I'd see you pick up on that

Nope neither going on here, less action than a really no action thing , whats a point g string, that sounds rather painful, in fact do I want to know

[edz]

Hi Jim

just my meandering waffle really.

I was wondering was I waiting (to start dating etc) until w "blows up" any remaining chance of reconciliation as a way of seeking permission. I don't believe I am.

I was then saying I sometimes think w may be waiting on ME doing something similar so she isnt seen completely as the "bad guy" by s for ending the family unit. That one I'm less sure on, I have no way of knowing either way really only that she told me of her concern of being seen as the bad guy in all this.

[Sotto]

Hi Edz, yes it's a funny dynamic isn't it - the feel of 'waiting.' I guess that's why we GAL and extend our own lives so we don't feel 'on hold.' But I'm sure many of us still do to an extent.

But I also get this feeling with H - about not wanting to be the one that actually brings an end to things. In a way it's mindreading though. Our S's may just be confused, or warming a little towards the M again...or not - we just don't know.

I get your frustration on the text thing. Earlier in our sitch, H went through a horrible phase of very curt one or two word texts - OK - Yes - Done...which was tough. He has warmed up with those more recently and is 'nicer' by text. It's good that your W was in touch about a positive thing after the texts that you thought were a bit 'cool' - but maybe they were just functional - IDK.

Edz, only you can decide if/when you want to think about dating again. It's a very personal thing, and as you read on these boards, there are varying views on it. But I think it's always a good plan to build up healthy GAL activities that you genuinely find rewarding and to fill your life with those first...with no big decision or soul searching needed.