I have not responded to the email. I like starskys response. BUT I Also Like To Silent action. I don't even feel like that sitch deserves a retort. I'm better than that. That is why I post here first when writing though. You guys are amazing. Emotional writing is hard to control. Especially when your really upset. I am so glad I can lean on you all so heavily.
I would not respond. She is asking permission to file divorce. Doing nothing is the strongest play. By agreeing to drop the NC you betray your core boundary. By saying no she is going to say to herself "he forced me to file". So saying nothing takes both of those away. And not responding goes well with the "let her go" track.
Last edited by mvgfwd2; 02/22/1501:05 AM.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
I wokeup this morning, put the new dark sheets on my bed, took all items in the house that are associated with W down and put them in a closet. gotta come up with a plan for the landry thing. i will no longer even do a single item of clothing that is her's. i think after she starts see the cloths build up she will get the point. went for a good bike ride today the weather is outstanding now hanging at starbucks trying to get some homework done. that you everyone for all your help yesterday. That was most deff. a trying time...I still have to realize i do not have to respond to anything that i dont want too and i shouldn't respond to anything at this point. However i am excited about the prospect of my future i know i will make it through this one way or the other and i will not compromise myself or my values.
I agree with your assessment completely. I have decided not to even entertain the idea. She can infer what she wants and make the choice herself. As for me I'm staying true to myself and who I want to be. I know I have made some blunders since Joining this site, but I have also been helped in finding what it is I am willing to accept and what I can't accept.
Oh lol. I caught up on your sitch and read the letter part and I was like "oh shhht" ...I thought you sent that. Thank god you didn't. It sounded way too angry and way too reactive. Listen to starsky! Less is more by the way! It really helped me recently to try to get into W's head and then be like "what would she think now if I'd say this or that"...often I realize it doesn't make any sense/she won't get it or take it serious at all what I plan on saying. The problem lies in the word SAYING. We said too much but not enough. Actions speak louder than words. And if you need to say something, keep it short!
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
I might not be great with doing the right thing, but that is why i check in here before doing anything, especially when i am angry or upset at a sitch. I have gone completely dark from her, and i have not responded to the email where she said that she will wait for my answer. And she is never going to get a response from me. well especially for a while.
Today- i woke up this morning missing W very much actually had a feeling of anxiety. but instead of ignoring it i acknowledged how i was feeling and just took a few deep breaths and expressed how i was feeling and i think it helped a bit. i feel a little bit lighter.
Just sth I noticed in your writing: She will NEVER get an answer. WELL ESPECIALLY FOR A WHILE. I do the same thing. We say "never" or use other extremes, then we say the opposite or mild it down. So our W's think we are not men of our words, which makes them lose respect for us.
Just something worth working on.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
well there is truly no way to NEVER give an answer. i mean sooner or later its going to end right? either in D or piecing. so i will have to talk to her sooner or later. i wasn't meaning the Either dropping the NC or D. she will not get an answer from me for that. but sooner or later i will have to communicate with her there is no way around that, am i right? But for the time being she will not even get a peep from me. I am going to stay dark for some time, i have to for my own sanity!
Correct! Do what works for YOU right now! I just said what I said to show you that if you have communication with W you have to be a respectable man of your words. I did the same mistakes, a) talking too much b) contradicting myself c) not following up with what I said. These are the three rules of communicating with WAW. If someone wants to add sth to that list please do so. We can only say things we mean and we know we can follow up with actions. Our words need meaning in our situation. Which is hard bc all our words lost a lot of meaning for our WAWs. So action speakea louder, but it's tempting bc words are easy spoken, actions need weeks or many months to prove a point.
Just having a thought process here
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
Think of it this way. In order, from best to worst:
1. You lead with words, they are followed up by consistent action.
2. You say nothing, and do nothing.
3. You lead with words, and then you do NOT follow up by action consistent with those words.
In other words, it would be better to say (and even do) NOTHING, than to make vainglorious "grand pronouncements" and phony boundaries, only to then not follow thru on them.
Less is more by the way!