H may be jealous you are getting the ice cream and he doesn't get any. A little childish but I could get why. If you get him his own tub like Toots said, he can't complain.
A note could be an idea (like MWD says in DR - delivering the message in another way) but I'm not sure. It seems quite long for a note about "only" ice cream, and I'm not sure bringing up the fact he's agreed to it several times will help. Yes, i get it's really annoying if he's repeatedly agreed, but the note could come across as not just pointing out that you don't want to eat the ice cream, but also pointing out he doesn't follow through on his promises. (I'm just trying to guess what H would see through his eyes, about "just" ice cream) And if it's not *just* the ice cream, maybe you should discuss the bigger issue (him not following through on promises ?) in more detail with H? Because it's not just the ice cream, is it?
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Guys, lol, seriously there were two tubs. One was his, one was mine when we went shopping last two times. This, bc he knows I would like some ice cream sometimes. What's next, three tubs? In the store he agrees that one will be for me. Each time, I've asked him to please let me enjoy mine at leisure but he finished his own like a broken hearted sorority girl in one sitting and then starts chewing into mine. Yesterday he asked me if he could have some. I said please don't, leave it for me, and he said ok. It's almost all gone now.
I'm all about creating a new M but this is crap!
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
So, (this is sooo ridiculous) the note is zip locked inside the tub. He'll know if he reads it. I won't unless he says anything. He may say this shouldn't be a big deal but dammit, we talked about this! He had his own tub! It's about the principle of the thing!
He tells me he won't touch my tub, asks me yesterday and does it anyway after I said no.
He tells me he will do the dishes and continues not to.
He tells me lots of things far more important than thus if like to believe he'll follow thru on.
Ok. So, Toots suggestion already tried. What next. Don't want to nag, fight, bitc$ or be critical but what DO I do?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
My guess is that he disagrees with you that he shouldn't be able to eat the ice cream if it's there, but says that he won't because he wants to make you happy/avoid conflict and then he doesn't follow through because he forgets/thinks you won't notice if he eats just a little bit/just can't help himself later, etc.
In other words, it's just a little bit of human broken-ness.
Full disclosure: it's hard for me to relate to where you're coming from. Don't get me wrong, I love food (including ice cream). But this is definitely the sort of thing that I wouldn't even notice, or if I did it wouldn't bother me. To me, it's just one of the inevitable consequences of living with someone. Sometimes they eat the last *whatever*; sometimes you do. I figure it all balances out in the end.
Now that I've disclaimed my bias, I'll say that I think you should let this one go, at least for now. You are in the early stages of rebuilding your R. Do you really want to shame him over ice cream? If it's not about the ice cream, then I would try to talk to him about the real issue. But I wouldn't leave the note in the freezer; it seems passive-aggressive and avoidant.
I'll admit that your H's behavior is similar to the "little things" that I used to do that drove my husband nuts. For him, it was leaving the soda on the counter rather than putting it back in the fridge. I would try to remember, but I would sometimes forget. Of course, he didn't notice all the times I remembered. (Duh, because his soda was in the fridge and he didn't even know I'd taken it out.) But when I forgot, I was accused of being "inconsiderate." And I felt like I couldn't do anything right. Maybe, just maybe, that's part of the reason why I stopped sharing a bedroom with my H before we moved here. Maybe that's why his pleas for me to come to bed with him some nights fell on deaf ears. You may need to give up some battles in order to win the war.
To put it succinctly: don't sweat the small stuff.
Z, I don't think you're in the wrong at all. I just think you have a choice to make, and if your goal is to build the M, then it's probably best to let this one go for now.
My H said in MC recently, "I can't wait for this to all be over so that we can argue about where to put my toothbrush." (My reply? "One of the things that made me an awesome, not-controlling wife is that I never argued with you about where to put your toothbrush." Not the most validating moment, but real.)
I get where you're coming from. I too would get annoyed if H ate the last of my whatever. I actually have the opposite problem, H won't eat anything because he's afraid I'm "saving" it for a recipe or something and he will come to me like a small child and say "I'm hungry, can I have a snack? What can I eat?" no matter HOW many times I tell him to eat whatever he wants and I don't want to be responsible for telling him what he can snack on. I chalk it up to his stepmum having strict rules around eating. Did your H grow up in a household where it was an "eat it now before it's gone forever" mentality?
But yes, in the grand scheme of things, you need to pick your battles.
I do think it might be worth you digging deep to figure out if it's the ice cream specifically that's bothering you, or something else. It sounds like you are worried if he's not following through on this promise, or the dishes promise, that he won't follow through on other promises...
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
The ice scream (deliberate) is a symbol. If H wants to live on ice scream let him. Get him an ice scream freezer. Fill it with the stuff, buy him an ice scream maker and recipe book. He'll invest in Ben & Jerry. It is his choice.
My H had a tantrum about the 'wrong bacon' and apple juice. The fridge is full of bacon, white bread, ham and apple juice. It gets thrown away. H does not want it any more, today he asked me to make Thai prawn curry. Yesterday it was ratatouille and pasta sauce.
What H wants makes him ill, but that is H choice.
Now what Z needs his her own freezer box with a key with her ice scream in it.
Let it go Z.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
But this is definitely the sort of thing that I wouldn't even notice, or if I did it wouldn't bother me. To me, it's just one of the inevitable consequences of living with someone. Sometimes they eat the last *whatever*; sometimes you do. I figure it all balances out in the end.