My husband moved out 1-31-15, the day before my birthday.
We weren't getting along for awhile now. We were constantly at each others throat all the time. So, I thought we should take a time out, so he decided to move out. He really won't talk to me. He had our daughter the week of Valentines and she had project that was due on Thursday and he had her for five days. Well, he didn't help her with her project and when she returned to me on Wednesday we had to finish it because it was due the next day. He had five days and he gave me one day. Well, I was unhappy and sent him an email telling him when she is with him, he needs to complete the project. Well he wasn't happy about it. So when he left her clothes at the house, I told him that I left him something on the table, it was a box of his favorite cookies for Valentines Day. I got upset with him because he couldn't even say thank you for them. We got into it. Out of anger I filed for divorce. I told him that night. He told me that he did not want a divorce. I told him then I would hold off if he really meant it.
Well, he came over last night so we can talk. He said that he doesn't want a divorce but he really couldn't make a decision because he was so angry with me. That he needed time to stop being angry with me so he can make his mind up. I am confused. He said he didn't want a divorce, but yet he needs time to make his mind up.
Thank you for responding. He cheated on my twice during our 6 1/2 years marriage and I can't seem to forgive him. He shows no remorse and does not accept responsibility for his actions. We lived like roommates. He blames me for everything. On weekends he would stay in our bedroom and watch all weekend long and ignore my daughter and me, like we were invisible. I tried talking to him about it but it went in one ear and out the other.
He told me that he loves me, but hates me at the same time. What does that really mean?
Did you order DR already? I mention your part in this because that's the part you can control and that's the central theme of MWDs books. If you can control and adjust your own behaviour, it may lead your H to respond differently.
I'm sorry to hear that your H has had two A's - that's tough. Have you had a look at Train's thread? Her H had an A and then a further A a number of years later. The work that you do to heal following an A is all important in terms of the sustainability of your M going forwards, and protecting your M from possible future A's.
Have you looked at the Dear Peggy website? It's a useful resource for people affected by infidelity. She talks about two kinds of healing after an A - individual and marital.
Individual for the BS is coming to terms with the reiection, learning to trust again, learning to forgive and so on. Now, that healing may take place within the marriage, or it can take place alone too - and this is an area where you have some control.
Individual for the WS may be coming to terms with the guilt, understanding why things happened, forgiving yourself for the hurt caused and so on.
Marital healing are the things you do together to heal and move forwards after the A - disclosing what happened, being transparent, understanding why things happened, working on things that made your M vulnerable to an A, rebuilding trust and so on.
I would say that it's pretty difficult to heal within the M if your H doesn't show remorse and doesn't accept responsibility. Equally, you chose to continue in the M, despite him not showing remorse or accepting responsibility, and you need to 'own' that part I think.
Did you discuss how your M became vulnerable to the A's. Were there needs that he expressed, and didn't feel were being met?
When you say he blames you for everything. What does he blame you for?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I will read the recommended resources that you gave me.
He said the reason why he can't be intimate with me is because I walk around looking like I am mad at the world, which I am not. I tried explaining to him that we both work full time but when I come home I have deal with the D, homework, dinner, cleaning and her bathtime while he does nothing to help. He told me that all I have to do is ask. Why should I have to ask for help when he can see everything that I do.
There you are. That's the most recent one. But if you click on Train on the top right hand corner, you can also go to all her posts in the drop down list.
A couple of things jump out at me:
1) Your H says you walk around looking mad at the world and so he doesn't want to be intimate with you.
2) You sound mad that your H thinks you should ask for help, when you feel he should know you want help
From what you've read in the books, any ideas on what you might change to try and improve these areas?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
