Sounds like you're doing pretty well. Just one question - how do you 'know' your W isn't in contact with OM? Do you have intel? Presumably they have contact at work still?
As for telling OM's W about the affair. I think vet advice would be needed on that one.
Good news about the running club....have fun!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I have some Intel. Full access to phone and emails. They have some contact he is her boss until the end of the week when her promotion goes through and she moves to another department. Other than that I presume it's still possible for anything to happen it's not like I can have an operative in her office. So I'm going on faith even though I have none. I suppose I have just accepted it as part of the deal now.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
she seemed to presume that I would expect her to be among my family for our daughter's birthday.
Oh, exactly! The WW wants to take part in family activities......as long as it fits into her agenda. The sooner she realizes that if there is a S/D, there will be no more celebrating (you and her) together, the quicker she begins to see more of the results to her decision to have an A. There may be two separate parties, but not one big happy family party together.
She is typically bringing up all these things that could wait. She could make it easy on everyone concerned and just make the decision to end the A. As it stands, she has not agreed to do it. She says she has had NC with OM, and that's all. She is still planning to look for an apartment.
There are opposing views on whether or not to tell the OP's spouse. Has this man had A's with his subornates in the past, and his W just turns her head to not see? Would you be telling her, hoping she would apply enough pressure on him to fix the problem? What is the real motive here? If they have children, a lot of properties together, etc., it could discourage him, of course. Or, it could make the A more enticing.
Exposure works in some cases, if you are just trying to bust the A. It doesn't guarantee it saves the M. It was successful for Starsky. It would not have worked in my case. I would have probably left home in shame, and it would have never caused me to fall in the arms of my H.
I'm not saying to lie and help her cover her adultery. But I am against how some have chosen to expose their W to the public. To me, this is part of that "keeping the road back paved smooth". It depends upon how rebellious, hateful, vindictive, and brazen the individual WW is. There have been some cases where I wanted to tell the H to out her behavior to everyone. At the moment, I think you need not make a move to tell his W, and see if your W continues to honor your boundaries. If you expose her while she is honoring your boundaries, it could sign the D papers for you. That's JMJO, and if you get intel that reveals she is lying about it, then you can decide. It is not a decision to take lightly.
I wanted to ask about her promotion. The promotion came from this guy? Do you think there was any pressure or "deal making" between the promotion and the A? (Sorry, i know how bad that sounds. But it happens.) If she's in another department, she'll still have some work related contact? Will company trips be required?
The reason I am asking is b/c if she sees this man at work and knows they will be seeing each other in the future, then it would give her enough resolve to not contact him on her regular cell and email. She could hold out until she is set up in a place of her own. But most times, the cheater just lies to the faithful partner. Know why? B/c a WW thinks she can outsmart her LBH.
I didn't think my H knew enough about technology to track my computer history. . I was the one who was dumb as dirt. In my fogged out state, I forgot and left the screen open where my H was introduced to what was going on! He got on the computer, and the rest is history. But, he started out being way too nice to me, treating me as if I was still that girl he had M so long ago. I wasn't that girl. By the time it died down, I had almost destroyed him. He didn't have the tools you are getting here.
You are doing good. Be careful about those times she just happens to lay her sexy self on the bed next to you, I'm not saying she was working it last night........but the WW can use these situations to succeed at getting the H to be more agreeable about certain things. Know what I mean?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Has this man had A's with his subornates in the past, and his W just turns her head to not see?
I do not know. But over the years the W has told me of many As that have gone on, but none involving him.
Would you be telling her, hoping she would apply enough pressure on him to fix the problem? Potentially.
What is the real motive here? Not sure, I feel obligated to tell her I guess. I'm questioning myself for my own motivation, and think it may just be creeping anger/retaliation.
So out of curiosity I went through our state's self filing paperwork out of curiosity for no fault divorce completed the docs and printed them, it didn't take too long but I didn't complete a schedule of personal property. Would it be a hell of an alpha move to present them to her? Give her the reality that she desires to her? Though we agreed to do it together?
Last edited by phunguy; 02/25/1509:19 PM.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
The promotion came from this guy? Yes as far as I can tell he had to ok it or brought it up himself.
Do you think there was any pressure or "deal making" between the promotion and the A? (Sorry, i know how bad that sounds. But it happens.) I think there is a plan here I just don't know it and she will not share it. And claims she wants to go find herself. But previously had said she thinks she's in love with him. It makes sense if he were to D his W who he has a special needs and 2 D's with that he might boost her income and mooch off her.
If she's in another department, she'll still have some work related contact? Certainly, it's not a big office.
Will company trips be required? Most likely not, they don't do much travel.
Last edited by phunguy; 02/25/1509:25 PM.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
So out of curiosity I went through our state's self filing paperwork out of curiosity for no fault divorce completed the docs and printed them, it didn't take too long but I didn't complete a schedule of personal property. Would it be a hell of an alpha move to present them to her? Give her the reality that she desires to her? Though we agreed to do it together?
I'm concerned you would be doing it to seek a reaction from her. I say hold off on that idea at the moment. If she agreed, and then you regretted giving it to her.......that would put you in a bad place.
Give her a few more days and see if her behavior changes any.
If it gets far enough to discuss her staying in the M (not just the house), I think you will have to approach the problem of her working in the same office with OM. She will not be able to withdraw emotionally while working with him. Every time she sees or hears from him, it will trigger her feelings. So it's a big problem.
But, first things first. She hasn't even agreed to end the A, yet.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, I agree let's see how my absence these next few days might change her attitude.
She has said that she wants the divorce, she's not in love with me anymore, has feelings for OM, can't bear to be with me because of the guilt she feels, and wanted to start the paperwork, but again last night said maybe she wouldn't move till April 1st. So I suppose that gives me 30 or so days. I presume in her head, the divorce is all set when she leaves. If she wants to sit down and start the do it yourself divorce forms do I put her off? Or go along for the ride and let her drive?
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
I had so much fun tonight met new people ran 6 miles. Had some ice cream. I know I was slightly beaming when I came home S8 came down to greet me, he stayed up waiting for dad past his bed time. But I didn't make a big deal he was wondering how my evening was I told him it was great! Greeted the W she was less than happy more like grumpy didnt even look up from her phone. I asked how her day was, I told her goodnight went up to tuck in the boy showered and now off to sleep.
Inspiration
If the time is better spent on the fence Or waiting for the shoe to fall Or could stop the crumbling of your walls Quietly you say to me, the time has come for you to be alive again.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
So I suppose that gives me 30 or so days. I presume in her head, the divorce is all set when she leaves. If she wants to sit down and start the do it yourself divorce forms do I put her off? Or go along for the ride and let her drive?
That is a decision you have to make. Some choose to give her what she asked for, while others would delay the process. I don't know that buying more times helps, but if you feel it would, then do it. As for the papers, all I will say is if you try to bluff her, it may backfire.......or it could cool her heels about wanting it so fast.
Hard decision to make.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
. I was the one who was dumb as dirt. In my fogged out state, I forgot and left the screen open where my H was introduced to what was going on! He got on the computer, and the rest is history. But, he started out being way too nice to me, treating me as if I was still that girl he had M so long ago. I wasn't that girl. By the time it died down, I had almost destroyed him. He didn't have the tools you are getting here.