I need to accept that I am where I am, that I can save this M even though she has cheated and I need to accept that I need to move forward with or without her. I know I've been bargaining and trying to control things in the house by not detaching enough and it probably makes her feel stuck and smothered by my neediness. I need to be an attractive man that is standing up in the face of his wife's A and as Sandi so eloquently reminded me, to have a pair! Not letting it get me down and that I am not going to sit around like a love sick puppy. I need to accept that I cannot shoulder all the burdens of our relationship and shift a large portion of that to her, so that she can feel some of this responsibility figure out her own work/life balance not depend on me and feel some pain in all of this, that she has now pushed me away. I need to GAL!
I thought I was but I realize these last few weeks have been relative baby steps compared to what I am going to do in the up coming days, I will make plans for just about everyday to be out and about. I will be mysterious about who I will be with and I will be having a PMA!
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
You look better already! This turn around in you will confuse her. Expect it, and stay the course. She will also find a lot of excuses, and think you should continue doing all the work around the house and with kids.
She will probably expect to hold her position in the home/family, which can be tolerated as long as she's honoring your boundaries. At this point, that is what you require of her. If she ends the A .........Really ends it, then she will go through withdrawal and depression. At that point you can show your love and support. But first things first.
I will also warn you for when she acts nice. Do not let it confuse you. She is simply trying to normalize things. Even if she continues the apartment search, she will probably say she wants you to be friends. . It's all BS. You didn't sign up to be her friend. Anyone can be a friend. You signed up to be her H. Only one can fill that spot.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Tonight was very odd she tried several times to provoke me by bringing up her various resentments and about how I am untrustworthy, she didn't think she could trust me in going through the divorce if we did it ourselves of all things(I couldn't help myself I had to lol) that I was trying to control everything by telling her she had to move out etc. That she wants to move D forward, she can't leave the kids cause that would be abandonment and is use it against her. I told her there is already enough pain I don't want to any more. That I wouldn't keep the kids from her that we had agreed to 50/50 before and I intended to honor that agreement.
She continued pressing: "So what we are going to do, we need to discuss divorce". Then she started asking me questions about child care, school, and all kinds of kid stuff. I told her to stop. She said should I get an attorney? Or are we going to do this amicably? She told me she talked to an attorney and it would be expensive but she didn't want to do that because they would get any money we may have. She pressed me hard and I told her I didn't want to fight with her or talk about it. Maybe we should get a mediator? I asked her if she knew what that was she recited something vague about hiring them to do all the paperwork for us. She said maybe a lawyer would work for for both of us and I told her it didn't work that way.
She kept trying to discuss it with me and I kept telling her we weren't going to resolve anything now. She would throw her resentments in my face. I told her I didn't want to talk about it that she . She said "well you want me out what am I supposed to do? You gave me two weeks?" I told her she had to make that decision. That she could stay as long as she abided my boundaries.
What about the house. what about the debts, the cars all these questions, how do we do this ourselves? She said do I have to go through all the bills and figure it all out myself? I told her I didn't know I hadn't given any of it much thought. I told her I could ball park some numbers for her if needed. She kept asking me what we were going to do I told her I was just trying to focus on me and the kids right now. She was adamant and it went on for a good hour. I tried to leave several times but I couldn't, she was upset and I wanted to watch her process some of this. I repeated I didn't just want to not talk now. Then she'd veer off into into "you want to fight I'll fight " kind of talk "we can make this ugly" stuff like that. I told her if that's what she wants then do it. I told her that it was pointless to discuss this now that I don't want to fight with her, she got real upset I put my arm around her and told her to stop and that everything would be ok that we'd figure it out in time. She cried in my shoulder for a bit. I told her that we are both tired and could talk another day, that there would be plenty of time to talk about this sort of thing.
Last edited by phunguy; 02/24/1506:44 AM.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Tonight was very odd she tried several times to provoke me by bringing up her various resentments and about how I am untrustworthy, she didn't think she could trust me in going through the divorce if we did it ourselves of all things(I couldn't help myself I had to lol) that I was trying to control everything by telling her she had to move out etc. That she wants to move D forward, she can't leave the kids cause that would be abandonment and is use it against her. I told her there is already enough pain I don't want to any more.
So, so typical of WW's. I know that doesn't make it any easier, but the reason I continue to tell you it is typical behavior is so that you will not worry about her mental health and think she is having a breakdown. You will see every emotion before this is over.
Don't you love it, how it becomes an issue of her not trusting you? The irony is just too much! I believe I would have to say, "W, I think you have it backward. It is not about me being untrustworthy" in going forward with a D, it is about you being untrustworthy in our M!" This is not to encourage further arguing, but to call her out on this behavior.
A WW's mantra is the "you are trying to control" cr@p. I have my first thread to read where the WW did not pull this on her H. Don't defend your actions. Let her call it whatever she wants to. The point is that it doesn't sway your stance.
Let her think whatever, but don't let her get away with some of the stuff she says. Sometime just one word works well, like, "Wow" or "Really", and slowly shake your head in amazement.
When she says stuff about her not being able to trust you, look at her very straight and just say, "Seriously?". Then walk away.
It is odd how the WW wants to settle everything in one discussion. When she starts this, you may say something like, "I assume that means you plan to move out instead of trying to save our M". Or say there is only one issue to decide at the moment.
Be prepared, b/c she will turn it around to make you sound like the bad guy who is kicking her poor little cheating self out of her home.
The problem you guys have is you want to comfort her when she starts having a meltdown. I suggest you don't. Do not tell her everything will be alright. Let it hit her full on. She did this to herself and to her family. She needs to realize it and to be comforted.
I think you are doing exceptional well. Show your confidence and keep your distance. She is kind of like a scared aminal at the moment. If she gets cornered, she will bite.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Phunguy, MY W does the same thing. You are alone. The WAW is very good that deflection and making it seem like you are the bad guy. Not that my wife even talk, however a last week we had an argument and the W said that the marriage definitely couldn't work because there is no trust, referring to me having a GPS on her vehicle to confirm my suspicions of her. Supposedly this trumps having an EA/PA for months. She has turned it around on me probably to her family and friends that I am the bad guy while cleverly leaving out the "why" I did that.
M44, W38 S5,S3 Met - 09/07 Engaged - 2/08 Married - 11/08 New house - 10/13 Bomb dropped - 11/14 EA confirmed - 11/14 PA - strong suspicion WAW Plastic surgeries - 12/14 WAW stopped wearing rings - 12/31/14
Good morning Sandi2, yes very melty. I can't help but feel sorry for her. I will try to refrain from comforting her in the future but it's tough I suppose I've been comforting her for so long it was just a reaction. I did call her out on several behaviors and of course it wasn't good. I laughed and told her "that is very appropriate that you don't trust me" and laughed hard. It was mind blowing she'd say that to me. I'm the loyal one for 20 years!!!
I did have some balls last night and told her congratulations on our 4 week anniversary since the bomb drop. She was astonished and said its been a month? I said yeah and 5 days since I caught you cheating. Or did you forget that too? I also told her at one point to stop acting like I was going to participate in her fighting cycle. I told her we've had the same fight for at least 10 years and I'm not going down that tunnel with you. I also told her that when reality smacks her in the face and she realizes what she's done to everyone around her and everyone at her office finds out she's going to have one hell of a problem.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Oh and I forgot to add when she got home she asked me why I was so busy and what I was doing, I told her stuff, she said what kind of stuff, I asked her "why are you so interested in my life all of the sudden?" stopped dead in her tracks.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
She came home we put th little ones to bed as we normally do. Gathered my stuff and went to the bedroom. She came in and lay on the bed next to me and asked to talk. [censored] that was hard. Just seeing her on our bed stirred all kinds of emotions and memories and I suddenly saw just how beautiful she is. I have been so hurt and angry or not been R seen her as attractive for a few days now. I mustered up my courage and said sure we can talk.
She said she wanted to assure me that she isn't in contact with OM that she did tell him not to contact her. That they are not texting or talking. She said again that she told him she needed space to get her life together. Then she hit me with her realization that she may need more than two weeks to find a place and she was worried about money and making it all work. I told her that I appreciated her reassurance and that as long as she was abiding by my request she was welcome to take the time needed to make an appropriate decision.
She went on and said she feels very guilty and said she was sorry for hurting me. I told her that what's done is done and that I am moving on. She asked about our daughters soon to be 3rd birthday. This is where it got more odd, ( does it ever stop getting odd?)she seemed to presume that I would expect her to be among my family for our daughter's birthday. She said she couldn't attend that she couldn't do it. I said who said that you would be invited? She wanted to cry but fought it hard. Her tears welled and eventually she lost the battle. The water flowed. It was quite a show. I said most likely we would have a get together at my parents or possibly at the house but i figured that since it was a Sunday that it would just be easier to do it at their place that way she could be at the house.
Then I told her if she didn't have anything else to discuss I'd like to get back to reading my book. She left the room. I am just blown away right now. Everyday it's a new loop in this rollercoaster.
I'm not counting loops or getting angry at them, I'm just preparing for them better.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
. It's all BS. You didn't sign up to be her friend. Anyone can be a friend. You signed up to be her H. Only one can fill that spot.