Continuing DBing

[Complex]

Hi Peter.
The control speech is ok, but I'm not sure about the "I hope you will come back, you will find me ready" part in the end. It might sound too desperate. And it's kind of in the open to say I'm not waiting forever.
What does that mean for YOU?
And Wonka is right. Speeches usually don't help. They've heard it too many times. So it lost its value for them. Please reconsider this. The less you say, the more value it has. If you gave her that I don't want D speech too often already, this one will mean nothing to her.

Def wait before some of the vets look over it before you talk to her. And listen to them!!!
Did you ever take a DB coach? They are very helpful with sth like this too.

[PeterV2]

I hear you Wonka. The problem is I have no way of monitoring her contact with the OM. I only know she contacted him because of a roaming charge on her cell phone bill when she was in Florida to his cell phone number.

I have no access to her phone - she won't show it to me.

So how do I monitor her behaviour.

Or do I ask her how am I to know she is fulfilling her intention to stop contact?

[PeterV2]

Yeah, I used a DB coach a year ago and it helped. I wasn't planning on delivering the control speech unless she was the one to bring it up.

As for the NC letter, I can wait. But my biggest problem is how to monitor her contacting the OM. I have no method to do so. I've been locked out of her communications for over a year, since she switched to a Blackberry (like the OM has). And she's so good at lying I wouldn't have know about contact had I not seen that cell phone roaming charge.

[Complex]

It's easy: you don't!!!!

Either she is committed to you and your M or she isn't. Period.
And why would you want to torture yourself?

[u-turn]

Peter
These are all questions that I have too. Thanks for asking them. We are on parallel paths right now as you said

I too have no way to actually monitor NC besides changes in behavior and I know she is tech savvy enough to hide things if necessary (using work phone & computer, creating new e-mail accounts...) So a no contact and transparency agreement would truly be by name only (ceremonial?) and I would really then have to trust that she is following through with it. So I get the point of making the demand and putting ourselves in control a little, but it will ultimately have to come down to trust again. IMO

[Starsky309]

Ok, I've cobbled together my Control speech.

I have no desire to control you. I can only control myself.

I have decided what works for me.

I will not live in an open marriage.

I will be married to someone who is faithful to me and committed to working on our relationship.

My wife will treat me with respect and be civil even when we disagree.

My wife will be honest with me even if it's a difficult subject.

I will be with someone who will come to me and not turn to another man when the going gets tough.

This is what I deserve going forward.

Now, whether or not you can be that woman is completely up to you, and I'll understand if you don't want to.

I cannot control what you do; you are a grown adult woman, and are free to make your own choices.

All I can tell you is what I am will to endure in my marriage, and this is a personal boundary with me.

I love you, and I don't want a divorce, and I hope you will come back and work on our marriage with me, at which point I think you will find me ready and willing to work on any and all issues.

I do expect you to let me know, however, and soon, because I'm not waiting forever.

To be delivered in a very neutral tone of voice, no anger or cynicism.

Peter, this is pitch-perfect. Monitor your wife, and if and when she breaks no-contact (and she most likely will), deliver it. In person.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

I hear you Wonka. The problem is I have no way of monitoring her contact with the OM. I only know she contacted him because of a roaming charge on her cell phone bill when she was in Florida to his cell phone number.

I have no access to her phone - she won't show it to me.

So how do I monitor her behaviour.

Or do I ask her how am I to know she is fulfilling her intention to stop contact?

Correct. Bring up NC and transparency. Save tge speech for if she refuses to do it, or for if she agrees and then breaks it.

[Complex]

Did she agree on NC? I didn't get that part I guess.
Just don't get into half as*ed attempts. She either commits to this or she doesn't and if she does she has to give 100% transparency and not complain about it...

[Tarheel]

Did she agree on NC? I didn't get that part I guess.
Just don't get into half as*ed attempts. She either commits to this or she doesn't and if she does she has to give 100% transparency and not complain about it...

I didn't see it either. Actually, I see where she agreed to it, only to say she'd 'check in' on OM from time to time.

Peter, I don't say this to be a downer, but your current situation mirrors mine from about 6 mos ago. I too, was fine with living in limbo if W wasn't seeing someone, but if an OM was involved, I wasn't going to stand for it. It doesn't work that way- if you're going to let her 'figure herself out', that involves her potentially dating someone else.

I can see your situation playing out the same way mine did...
Me- 'Commit to working on the M with me or I'm filing.'
W- 'Ok, I'll agree to MC and no OM contact.' (As Complex pointed out, this was a half a**ed attempt on W's part as she pushed back on full transparency)

2 mos later...
W- 'I've decided to stop MC. I need to figure myself out, can't give up the life I've built for myself, blah, blah, blah.'

At that point, I didn't want to go ahead with D because she had 'tried', we were on decent terms, etc.

My point is make sure you're prepared to go ahead with your 'threat' of D should she continue any form of OM contact, complies with your requests for a while but regresses, etc or it comes across as an empty threat.

[sandi2]

Very good point from Tarheel. Peter, your W keeps you under her thumb by playing the control card. It should be totally worn out by now.

Your written speech is very good. In the meantime, if she pulls that old card out, tell her she can see it however she chooses. Don't argue or defend your stance. By all means, do not let that old card contol your actions. She is accusing you of the very same thing she is doing........controlling. Time to stop letting that card win the game.

She chooses to see your actions as control, whereas you see it as protecting your M. So let her think whatever and stop trying to change her mind about it.