Mozza, so sorry you had a crappy day =/ They just seem to happen don't they? Like were walking along fine and all of a sudden BAM I see a candy bar that happens to be her favorite and then the water works come (I'm not even joking). What I will say is that I am so impressed with how you handled it. You didnt sit at home like you probably wanted. You forced yourself to go out, to go to a public event (congrats on the invite) and stop the emotions. This is a HUGE step. Unfortunately right now, I'm more of in the...i wanna go home and ill stay in the safety of my bat cave mode. So again, awesome that you forced yourself to go out.
Like everyones said, its ok to cry and break down every now and then. Sometimes, you just need to let it all out (privately of course).
What you wrote about seeing your W and how you felt "oh there you are!" really tugged on my heart strings, pretty sad comments there. But I hope you are having a better day today, and D3 is feeling better!
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
The difference Mozza is you are probably having less of these kinds of days than you were five months ago. It's just like when my Mum and Dad passed away. At first I was upset and cried a lot. The first year was the hardest. Now I can look back and not get emotional but every once and a while I will tear up. It's hard to lose someone you still love. Be gentle with yourself
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Sorry for the day. I had ine of those too last week, I was in the shower and it all just hit me, the fact that I just don't know what to do right now, wher I need to go, am I holding onto something I shouldnt be, my loneliness, Etc. I started crying and yelling out loud just to let it all out for about 15 minutes. It happens.
For me, I personally try to reach down deep to see why I'm struggling. Last week, as we were all talking here, I was thinking about what my timeline was to 'move on' to try and see if I was ready. As you, I'm lonely and crave affection and intimacy. I think my emotional release was my subconscious telling me that I'm not ready for that yet. I talked to my parents and some other folks and they all said they same thing, "it's not time to give up MCS, things are progressing a little and you want to try and push it to your timeline"
Anyway, that's just me. Hope today is better and hope D3 is feeling better, everyone here in my house is sick right now too.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Just look at that: I came here last night feeling down and seven (7!) amazing people took the time to pick me up. Where else would I find a community of people who just get what I'm going through? Thank you so much.
Yes, the day was much better. In fact, yesterday made me realize how far I'd come over the last five months. Those days were my daily bread back then. Now, I'm still sad and distracted by the sitch, but I'm much more detached from it. The pain is duller already. I see that the trend is as good as expected and that eventually I will reach this future where I'm truly happy. It also made very clear that WAW is my kryptonite. With one letter or one minute, she can ruin hours or an entire day. NC is really my only chance to work on myself at the moment.
Oh and D3 is ok now. It was just a fever and it made her cuddlier. I'm afraid I enjoy that! Bad dad...
GAL Report | Highlight of the day was a concert of one of my favorite bands in a large venue, with a friend of 20 years that I don't see enough. Those moments are rare and precious in a lifetime.
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Maybell | Thanks, I agree that it's good to just give myself permission to cry it out. I look forward to the moment where it takes only 20 seconds...
JBird | Thanks for noticing that I was in control in front of WAW. I'm fairly good at that, but it helps that I keep everything short. At lunch a couple of weeks ago, my eyes welled up.
Toots | Thanks Toots. Thankfully, I'm not like that every day... Strangely, I feel very little relief from crying. It's like a river: if I hold it, it builds up a reservoir that's released dramatically, but if I let it flow, it doesn't empty either.
Card29 | Thanks. As you know, I'm following your sitch closely because you're a bit ahead and, mostly, it never fails to deliver. Like: a 10-second kiss?! That, some serious kissing. I envy you. My last kiss with my WAW was a peck on the lips on the doorstep.
TLEE86 | I know exactly what you mean about the candy bar. I've told my friends that they can't avoid the triggers. It can be a word, it can be the light of day, it can be a smell. And thanks for the support for my GAL in the times of cholera! It does make me feel better that I've done it, even if it was difficult. I've more to say on your sitch and I'll stop by your thread.
Karma12 | You're right: those days are few and far in between. As your experience shows, I expect some flashbacks to last much longer, especially as we stay in touch for the kids. Oh well.
MCS | Woah, that shower scene was powerful. I don't know why, but I tend to cry in the shower too, even when the rest of the day was ok. Water? Ritual? Vulnerability? Nakedness? It's inspiring for me that you admit to craving "affection and intimacy" because it's something that's still hard for me to word like this, despite my talks of insecurity, flirting and dating. I prefer to project and think of myself as someone who doesn't have those "needs" (how primal!), but NMMNG and my IC make me realize that it's ok to be myself without shame.
Well then, let me say one more embarrassing thing on a related topic: I now have mixed feelings about my naked body. On the one hand, I've started working out and it has noticeably improved, so I have some pride. On the other hand, it feels... humiliated. It's there, in functioning order yet unused and abandoned for greener pastures. The fact that OM is young, handsome and athletic plays into that, I'm sure. Maybe it taps into some primal instinct but I do feel a fair amount of shame and humiliation about it. Like a gorilla who just stands there, shocked, after his female was stolen by an alpha male. I know, it sounds ridiculous...
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
During my first DB stent, my IC taught me some methods of stopping thoughts of doubt about my LM abilities or thoughts of OM with W or other self discriminating thoughts I might have. One that worked for me was to visualize a stop sign, then force myself to think good thoughts about myself, then change what I'm doing. Your IC should have some methods to help you with this.
It is rarely about being young, athletic and handsome that causes a WAW. If that was the case movie stars and professional athletes would never have a WAW. That's not to say, don't get in the best shape you can, because that is healthy and will increase your self-esteem.
Keep working on yourself as you have been and don't let yourself think negative thoughts.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
Thanks JBird for your support. I can reason that it's not about youth and appearances, but my sitch makes it very difficult to internalize it. At the same time, I don't want to overlook my role in keeping the door wide open for OM. Being critical like I was of my W is one of the top reasons for S. This is what WAW was running from.
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D3 jumped in my bed this morning and we cuddled for a good 15 minutes. She was immobile, staring at the ceiling. I was on the side, cuddling her like John with Yoko. At some point she said "I'd like you to be in mommy's bed". I teared up and she asked what was going on; I pretended to be coughing. "I know. Me too" is what I wanted to say. At the beginning of the sitch, the kids took really well to the S, but now they are starting to show more unease and confusion, even though they are very accepting.
GAL Report | I made a spontaneous decision this morning to go see my parents with D6 and D3. We spent the day there. They played together while I napped and read, which is not the greatest GAL for me, I agree. But the girls were in heaven.
Flirting report | Last night, when the metro doors opened, I locked eyes for like 3 seconds with this breathtakingly gorgeous girl. It was part of "practice" to hold her gaze because usually I would just have been intimidated and pretended I barely saw her (well, and I was in a relationship...). We continued to make eye contact a few times through the next 4-5 stations until she got off. I was thinking that I should have the balls to just walk up to her, say I couldn't help but notice her and that I'd be happy to go for a coffee, ask for her number, etc. Yet, all I could do was stand there and think of how impossible it was for me to move a muscle in that direction. In my head, my main hypothesis was that she was looking back at me because she thought I was a creep, not because she was interested, which is of course part of my problem. This paralyzing fear of meeting new people who attract me, or my thinking that it can't be mutual, is part of why I'm constantly going back to WAW for my emotional needs, long after she told me she didn't love me enough anymore and left me for OM.
Detachment Report | I had a talk with my mom tonight -- more like she listened to me. I told her how unhealthy it was for me to long for someone who left me, that I needed to build the tools to feel less dependent on WAW for my emotional needs. I talked to her about the cheeseless tunnels, i.e. going down the same route long after there's no more cheese. My cheeseless tunnel is WAW. It was a source of affection, sex, commitment, intimacy, etc. Now that the source has dried up, that the door is closed, I keep going there hoping for the same cheese. The fact is, there is plenty of cheese elsewhere. I just gotta gather the courage to try those different routes.
I also told my mom that it probably wouldn't be a good idea to reconcile with WAW, even if she wanted to. There are so many things she would have to change, that are core to her personality, for me to trust her with my love again. She needs to learn that happiness comes from within and this is antithesis to all that she is. She'd have to recognize that love is work and is a choice, which is the opposite of how she sees it. She'd have to drop the flight reflex, which is a constant in so many spheres of her life. Then again, how will I know in time that the next person does not have the same flaws? Or others?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Everyone has flaws Mozza. It's not perfection we seek. What we want to not do is move on to a new partner with the same issues. Working on ourselves is the way to prevent that. Learning why you attracted someone like your wife into your life and what red flags you may have initially ignored.
Get to know yourself. What are your core values? What are the things you can compromise on and what are the things you cannot. Everyone puts there best foot forward at the beginning. There are things to look for though. Eg. What is there past relationship history? Have they had many short term relationships or have they had long committed relationships. Do they have friendships that are long lasting? How about their family - are they close? Do they have a job? Are they able to manage money? Do they live in a place that they can afford and is it clean or messy? Are they active and do they care about their health? Are they reliable? Do they show up when they say they will and on time? There are a lot of little things that give us clues to someone's true character.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Hi Mozza, I just wanted to say that I get what you are saying about feeling a bit insecure about your body/appearance. I am going through this as well and I think we probably all experience it at one time or another. But having your S leave you for a younger hotter person doesn't help in that regard.
Of course beauty is more than skin deep and is in the eye of the beholder and all that jazz. But it can still be irritating I know. I have no words of comfort other than empathy.
Funny, I have also been trying to hold the gaze of the opposite sex and realized I hadn't done it in a long time out of shyness and as you said I was in a relationship. Funny how many attractive people will stare back at you with interest and even come approach you! It's quite thrilling! Just to feel you "still got it" is enough!
Sounds like you are doing very well. Keep up the good attitude! Hugs, Lisa
I also told my mom that it probably wouldn't be a good idea to reconcile with WAW, even if she wanted to. There are so many things she would have to change, that are core to her personality, for me to trust her with my love again. She needs to learn that happiness comes from within and this is antithesis to all that she is. She'd have to recognize that love is work and is a choice, which is the opposite of how she sees it. She'd have to drop the flight reflex, which is a constant in so many spheres of her life. Then again, how will I know in time that the next person does not have the same flaws? Or others?
Mozza,
I understand this sentance, as I've had the same conversations about my sitch. However, I've looked at this from a different angle. First, look at the growth that just a few months ago, we would do anything to get our wives back, even with all of the flaws and issues that would just delay the inevitable. Second, this statement shows detachment. As many have said WAS see everything wrong in the R and then over time see what was right. LBS see everything right and then start to see what was wrong. I'm in the same place, too. Then the other thing is that I agree you shouldn't want to reconcile with your W as she is behaving right now, but you've identified what she would need to change to reconcile. I may have read into it, but I think as you said it here that your shouldn't reconcile gave me a sense of finality, I think it's more that you wouldn't reconcile right now.
Lastly, Since I agree with all of this that you have said about my sitch also; I personally see that this is where I hand my sitch off to God. I pray a lot that his hand would come down and guide her back to the path that I think he has for her, included in this were the flaws in her personality that I saw over the years, but felt she was able to manage. I actually feel like there has to be a miracle because some of these things are so deeply ingrained into her personality. I know those would have to change for this to work and through DB, we are already changing our flaws. I realize that there is nothing I can do to force that on her. I also feel that if this is the path that she chooses and it's meant to be this way, I pray that He will give me the sign that it's time for me to move on. Not sure if/when that would be, but everytime I think I'm there, something happens that shows me that I'm not there yet.
I know this crosses over to the religious aspect, but Have you felt any of that?
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
