Going back to the way it was would be the easy fix and might even last for a while.
I've thought about this a fair amount, bdub. It would be soooo easy. And then I think, "but he's not asking." Which is true, but it's also giving away my power to say the only reason we aren't together is because of HIM. I should be asking myself what "I" want, but I rarely do.
I think in terms of my kids a lot. Both the girls have told me that if dad moved back it wouldn't be the same, basically that he's already "ruined" it. I didn't agree with them at the time, but secretly, I kind of do. And if he left again while either of them still lived at home, I'd probably hate him forever, for what I think it would do to my kids.
Bottom line is that when I think rationally, I want something better. I want love, affection, to be cherished, to share hopes and dreams. To have tough times and not be afraid that he'll walk. To not wonder whether the "business dinner" is in some woman's bedroom. I like to think I had those things, but truth is I made it all up, I never had those things.
H and I have set a lunch date in two weeks, the end of the official 4-month S. And I want to hear what he has to say. Is the S what he wanted it to be, and is it accomplishing what he thought it would? Is he still "moving in a different direction" (his phrase for cheating). What does he feel like we should do in the next six months?
But I need some clarity on what I think, too. I want to come to a better understanding of what I want without his input. Because I don't really know. Logically, I know. Emotionally, I get swayed every day.
Why is it I didn't feel like my own happiness was important? Is it as simple as watching my mother? Or my grandparents? Am I not worthy of being happy?
Ohhhh, oohhhh, pick me! Pick me!
The last question, I'm not touching because we know the answer to that one.
I think we have a lot of cultural and gender issues that come into play with this. I cannot speak for any of you, but how my parents were parented definitely came into play in how I was parented and how I perceived things or was expected to react/respond. My mom tried to lessen some of the negative of how she was parented, but she had some gender expectations based on the time of this century when she became an adult (the 50s and 60s).
For me personally, my Catholic upbringing also came into play. I don't know why, but going 9 years to Catholic school gave me some sort of idea that I had to forgive people and to change my filter in how I expressed discomfort or unease or unhappiness. While my parents truly cared if I was happy or unhappy, sometimes the nuns didn't want to hear whining or to take the time to find out what was wrong. Over and over, it sort of conditioned me to accept that I wasn't the center of attention, my happiness didn't matter unless I was off the grid in the opposite direction and to overlook faults because it was the Christian thing to do. That's okay if Marty chased Debbie in the playground and she tripped and fell. But what if Deacon Dave was trying to fondle Johnny and he was uncomfortable taking trash out in the rectory because of it? Or if Susie was the object of the male PE teacher's interest and commented on her development? Didn't matter. They were all treated the same way. "Don't assume there is wrongdoing. If there is, forgive and move on."
What a load of crap. (BTW, I am not an angry, recovering Catholic. I was angry a long time ago, but worked on my own forgiveness on my own timeframe. I managed to do it. My siblings did not.)
My filter was sooooo broken by the time I got to be an adult that I had a lot of counseling to deal with the issues I carried around. Sexual abuse? It's never okay. Getting into the car with a drunk person I was babysitting for? I could have been killed. Now, I did tell my parents when I got home and while they didn't confront the parents, they prevented me from sitting for them ever again. (Looking back, I appreciate that they did that for me. Though I would NOW do things very differently.)
My parents have been married almost 55 years. They drive each other crazy, but they ARE happy and they do love each other. I was fortunate that I didn't have family members who stuck it out just because. The ones who were unhappy either worked on their marriages and made progress or didn't and divorced. Yet my BFF has parents who are still married and literally hate each other. To that, I say WTF? My 78 year old next door neighbor has an alcoholic, physically abusive H who is a former Air Force colonel and she is afraid of leaving him. Again, WTF? I know that her kids have attempted to rescue her. So have the courts. But she chooses this life with him.
Rather than judge, I leave them be. I can only worry about my own life. I do know that I just couldn't stay in a marriage where I am not #1 and loved beyond belief. I'm grateful that my XH let me go. He clearly didn't want to choose love. I am free to have another go with someone who auditions for the job of being my partner. I will choose HIM as much as he chooses ME. It will be a 100-100 proposition. We're both all in, or we're going to be all out.
If you do some of Debbie Ford's exercises, along with Cheryl Richardson and Marianne Williamson I think you can recalibrate that filter. You can learn how to discern whether the walk and the talk are the same. Or not. The next go around, the walk will have more importance than the talk.
Your fantasy probably isn't that you take back your H as is. It's probably that he wakes up, realizes your worth, and makes every attempt at cherishing you and making you know that you're his #1. Anything less than that is selling yourself short.
Well, crap. I've been preaching to the choir. It's time to go find someone who is not even in the church!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I do know that I just couldn't stay in a marriage where I am not #1 and loved beyond belief. I'm grateful that my XH let me go. He clearly didn't want to choose love. I am free to have another go with someone who auditions for the job of being my partner. I will choose HIM as much as he chooses ME. It will be a 100-100 proposition. We're both all in, or we're going to be all out.
If you do some of Debbie Ford's exercises, along with Cheryl Richardson and Marianne Williamson I think you can recalibrate that filter. You can learn how to discern whether the walk and the talk are the same. Or not. The next go around, the walk will have more importance than the talk.
Your fantasy probably isn't that you take back your H as is. It's probably that he wakes up, realizes your worth, and makes every attempt at cherishing you and making you know that you're his #1. Anything less than that is selling yourself short.
Well, crap. I've been preaching to the choir. It's time to go find someone who is not even in the church!
Bets, it's OK to preach to the choir. There's a reason we keep coming to church.
I do want that R where I am loved beyond belief. It's just been a really long time since I felt that. A really long time, since before I met H. And obviously that one didn't work out, or I wouldn't be M to H. I guess I doubt it's out there for me. IC keeps telling me it's there. But how do I know?
Wow. What a question, labug. I don't know the answer. Does that mean yes I'm afraid? I'm on my way out the door to do pickup from basketball practice, I will ponder in the car.
Wow. What a question, labug. I don't know the answer. Does that mean yes I'm afraid? I'm on my way out the door to do pickup from basketball practice, I will ponder in the car.
OK, this is an embarrassing post. But since y'all don't actually know me, here's goes.
Here's my concept of joy: I am sitting in the pew waiting for the concert to start. The children file in and take their places on the chancel steps. My eyes are locked in on my daughter's face as she scans the crowd for me. She finds me, our eyes meet, her face lights up. The show starts. That's joy.
And I don't have any concept of joy outside my children. That's the embarrassing part. I don't know that I'm afraid of it, I just don't know what it means in a M.
Soooooo...you can't think of a single joyful moment in your life or marriage before you had kids?
Raliced, I have felt joy at my academic or athletic accomplishments in high school and college, at levels of achievement at my pre-kid job. I have felt "joy" in relationships pre-M. But I was trying to put it into the context of my M, not counting kids. That's where I was having trouble.
Well - I guess that was part of my question. No joyful moments at all in the marriage pre-kids?
That being said, I think there are a lot of avenues in life for joy outside of marriage.
Your question prompted me to think about joy in my own life. Yes, a lot of it is kid and career related. And I can think of many joyful moments with my STBX. But I also find joy in listening to a great piece of music, planning vacations, eating anything with sugar in it, watching my pets play, enjoying a really good read, etc. Maybe my bar for joy is pretty low.
You know what I think? You have a real opportunity here as you look for new work to find something that will be fresh and truly rewarding. I maintain that as a CPA you will have lots of options.... choose wisely.
