Yesterday turned out to be a fine day. I did go to church, but instead of going to breakfast with H after, I went to a farmers market with a friend, she invited me and it was pleasant.
Last night we had D16's family birthday dinner at a nice restaurant, so H came over to pick us all up and have a pre-dinner cocktail. He looked nice and I told him so. We had dinner, then came back to the house for birthday cake. After H left, I texted him a thank you and said something mildly flirty about the seating arrangement at the restaurant. He texted back with something more risqué than what I'd said, basically a proposal to have sex on Saturday. (He's out of town all week.) I didn't reply.
So it seems like I could pretty easily get H into bed should I want. And from a pure sex standpoint, that might be a reasonable option. But I want someone who tells ME I look nice (which he didn't last night), someone who contacts me about something other than kid schedules, someone who will pay attention to me, physical and otherwise, outside the bedroom, someone I've had a real conversation with in the past month. H had the chance last night to do all those things and did none of them. He's handsome, he's sexy, he's apparently available (cheating on the duck?), but not up to my standards at the moment.
I need new flooring in all 4 bedrooms, but hers is the only one on the first floor and I want carpeting in the 3 upstairs. While I love my hardwood floors, I really like hopping out of bed on a real carpet. LOL. I totally get your dilemma. The upstairs 3 will follow shortly. But I figure I need to get that space created before she gets home in early May to some surprises...
Besides, it's Monday. I don't think on Mondays. Just like I don't do math on weekends.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
This isn't the first booty call, you know, V. There were a few pre-surgery about a month ago It made me briefly wonder about the duck's status. But then again, he and I never stopped sleeping together before he moved out. He was cheating on both of us. Except I knew it, not sure what she knew/knows. And I don't care.
Hi everyone! I had IC this morning, and it was an odd one. I was all over the place, cried a good deal. I don't even know exactly what was accomplished, I guess some days are like that. I think the crux of it was that I'm OK with letting H go, but I'm still grieving the idea of letting my idea of a "perfect" family go. Even though it wasn't.
I said something about my grandparents having been M for 60 years, and IC asked if it was a good M. I don't know if it was or not. I don't know what they did behind closed doors. But what I saw as a child was a shared life that they both worked really hard at building, a place where kids and grandkids came together. I still want that for myself, for my M, for my kids, for my grandkids. I'm not going to have it. And that's a shame.
Yes, I can find my "soul mate" next week and grow old with him. And MY kids can come visit and bring MY grandchildren. Or HIS. But we would never have the sense of continuity, shared history, FAMILY, that I wanted. One of us would always be an outsider, and there would always be a family member missing.
I know I've put things in really black and white terms here, that the world isn't really like that. But that's where my grieving mind is wandering today. If someone would like to knock some sense into me, that would be fine.
I think you're a very sensible woman who was betrayed by her H.
But the view of your sitch from my vantage point is this, you didn't have the family you thought you had which makes this all the more difficult to accept.
You know I always have a question or two. Would you have wanted the "sense of continuity, shared history, FAMILY" knowing that he wasn't being true to you? Are those things really possible when someone is being unfaithful?
I've thought about the grandparent-long marriage thing a lot. Both sets were married for 50+ years, my parents were married 50+ and I don't think "happy" was of high importance to any of them. And as I've discovered as an adult, there were lots of skeletons in some of their closets.
((rpp))
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Would you have wanted the "sense of continuity, shared history, FAMILY" knowing that he wasn't being true to you? Are those things really possible when someone is being unfaithful?
No. I want someone who IS faithful to me. Cheating was never part of my perfect scenario. And as much as BD was a shock, when I look back, it's likely he's cheated before. He certainly without question had an email EA with my best friend. I just glossed over that because it didn't fit into my perfect scenario.
This morning I had a misunderstanding with D17 (today's her birthday!). It wasn't a big deal, no one was upset, things just didn't work out like I thought they were supposed to. And I realized that the reason they didn't is because I had this whole story built in my head of how things were going to work out, but neglected to tell her about it. I guess I just thought that somehow she would come to the same conclusion (after all, my way was the only logical one ). I apologized to her for not speaking up about it and we made a different plan.
And it occurred to me that I had done the same thing with my M. I had built up this fantasy of my perfect family and how things were supposed to work out. I wrote the story of being M 50+ years, warm fuzzies with the kids and grandkids, growing old together. And I just assumed H was on board with that. But I certainly didn't communicate that well, not in the last few years, anyway. My mistake.
Originally Posted By: labug
I've thought about the grandparent-long marriage thing a lot. Both sets were married for 50+ years, my parents were married 50+ and I don't think "happy" was of high importance to any of them.
When I'm honest, my own happiness doesn't play a huge role in my story either. And I have to question why. My own parents have been M 60 years, and I'd put "happy" into the equation about the last 15 of them. Maybe that's what I was playing out in my own M, that we'd make it through the labor intensive child-rearing years and then, after that, I'd be happy. It never occurred to me that I was supposed to be happy now. And it never occurred to me that H wasn't happy, and that he wanted to get happy by leaving me.
Why is it I didn't feel like my own happiness was important? Is it as simple as watching my mother? Or my grandparents? Am I not worthy of being happy?
I'm not even sure how to be happy. I think I am, but then there are the days when I know I'd take H back, and I know I'm not standing up for myself. Would I really put myself on the backburner again? I'd like to think not, but then again, the fantasy calls...
