Tootling along.

[rd500]

HI Toots, no sage advice to offer, just a small bit of support / my view.

For me, your H seems very confused. Alot is happening in his life and most of it not good. I personally would not push anything or say / email anything. If he is having second thoughts he will make it clear to you. I'm sorry for refering to my sitch all the time but I have had W say (in the last two weeks) that our M was good, I was a good husband, a great father, her life is now crap, she hates her new place and hates the drive to it, she is very unhappy and sees no future for herself, she thinks she is making a big mistake, she thinks she's having a breakdown and she doesn't understand what she is doing. Even though she is saying all these things, she shows no signs of coming home.

For me, your H is coming forward and you could go forward but I would be very wary, if your H wants to make a go of a M with you, he has to commit fully and not just run to you because things are tough.

Just my two pence worth.

Take care, RD

[edz]

No kind of advice beyond what I put earlier Toots, just checking in on how you're doing in yourself?

[Vanilla]

Practicalities Toots:

You need to know the effective date of redundancy for H. It makes a great deal of difference. The rules on pensions change 5 April 2015 in the UK.

If he is on (say) 3 months notice then this will be after 5 April then he can have his redundancy over £30k paid to his pension and immediately remove 25% tax free to maximise his position. And then move his pension pot, even into the EU to a more friendly regime where he can draw more under the rules of the receiving country. He would also get a tax allowance in that country. There are a number of ways of managing this.

If it is before 5 April this does not work so well and you are on more solid ground.

So I would probably gently add some questions of H?

H you told me this redundancy was on the cards, it sounds like there are a number of people leaving the firm. I know you will be concerned for your work colleagues, are you all leaving together? Have they told you when that will be? I am happy to help you with your CV if you would like that. One of my particularly (nerdy) strengths is paperwork so if you would like assistance then I would be comfortable at anything you email to me.

That was basically the stance I took with my H, and it worked as we reviewed his stuff. You MUST be capable of being impartial and ask H to refer to a fin adviser if you have a conflict. I probably would not suggest this to many but I am convinced Toots is more than capable. We can always chip in.

This will tell you if this is a scheme of redundancy, what the legal compliance will be. If there is commutation to pension scheme etc. Intel Toots, Intel.

It is worth you examining. My spider sense is bristling.

V

[Vanilla]

Practicalities Toots continued:

Apologies fat finger syndrome again.

Also Toots, work life cover may cease, you may want to consider owning a life policy on H life. Look at a term policy preferably until H is 65 or 67. You should own this policy and pay the premiums, as long as H is a non smoker this will be inexpensive. Anyone with a mortgage or loans or children with a partner should consider this as a necessity. These can be bought from the Internet and the payout will be tax free if partner dies, they are usually inexpensive. The younger the life insured the cheaper.

I learned this the hard way, H1 had a policy on V, but of course it was H1 that died! This was because H1 was a student/untenured but V was working. V had no protection and the economics were tough.

V

[Starsky309]

I like both of the suggested scripts above, Jim's about the relationship/housing and V's about the job. Both pitch-perfect, I thought.

and "x 2" on V's thoughts about treading very carefully, legally/financially here. These kinds of things can affect you for many years going forward!


Starsky

[Sotto]

Dear all, thanks so much for all of the advice. To be honest, I've had a bit of a delayed reaction today and have felt a bit sick, shaky and tearful - so it's been helpful to get your views.

V, thanks so much for the practical stuff, that's really helpful. I'm not going to broach that in the response to H right now, but very useful to understand more about the process and options. Jim, thanks for the suggested script, which I plan to go with for now....I have slightly adjusted it - but essentially not taken anything away or added anything:f

Dear H - I hope you're doing okay.

Don't worry, your email wasn't presumptuous. I understand things are uncertain at the moment and that you're just trying to figure out what's next for you. And if you feel you wanted to say something differently, then please do - I know how hard I find it sometimes to express how I feel.

I think you're right that together we should work out the best plan for us both in terms of the house. I'm pretty busy until the middle of next week, but maybe we can find some time to work things out after that?

Thanks for your kind words - I too was happy while we were together. If there's anything this past year has taught me, it's how to appreciate and value the happiness in my life.

Take care, Toots

Starsky, I'm glad of your endorsement - thank you. Are we comfortable with the above now? So, as I understand it my 'strategy' right now is to:

a) Buy a little time on the house front, pending legal advice, whilst acknowledging we need to attend to it
b) Draw H out a little further (if possible)on the R front in a warm and validating way without revealing 'my hand' or asking direct questions or pressuring.

Would that be about right? I think I'll feel better when I've responded to him and it's 'done.' I feel like I've been sitting comfortably on my DB perch for so long, this has knocked me off it...I feel frightened about having to try and make big decisions right now, and I'm having a bit of a 'flight' response.

Thanks again to you all :-)

[Vanilla]

Seems good to me

V

[jim0987]

a) Buy a little time on the house front, pending legal advice, whilst acknowledging we need to attend to it
b) Draw H out a little further (if possible)on the R front in a warm and validating way without revealing 'my hand' or asking direct questions or pressuring.

Sounds like a good plan to me. it might be a bit of tight rope though so where you can slow things down and take your time.

and i'm happy with the starsky script endorsement, maybe im finally learning.

[susana4]

Toots, I don't have much to contribute on this but I just wanted to say good luck and let us know what his response is.

[Sotto]

Thanks everyone. I've decided I'll email H later tomorrow. I'm meeting up with SS and his mum for lunch, and don't want to feel 'on edge' thinking H may have replied. Or worse, receive a 'cold truth' reply and be feeling upset. So, I'll go for lunch and send it some time after that.

I just want to get myself to a calmer place for now. Seems a bit daft to be thrown for a loop by this after all I've been through already. But if H and I are in contact a little more, it should all feel a bit more 'normal' and hopefully I'll lose the 'flight/flee' impulse.

The more I think about it, the more I feel his getting in touch is part of a 'stress reaction' after getting made redundant. He could have got in touch on any day over the last few months. Why choose the day after you're made redundant to start addressing your marital impasse? IDK

Anyway - mindreading I know. I did manage to do yoga GAL yesterday and bookshop GAL this pm despite feeling a little hysterical...