Post retreat situation

[MrBond]

Why would you do the LRT? Did he file? Did he threaten you with legal action?

LRT means that you tell him that you're okay with the D and then go dark.

Doesn't sound like you need to do that in your sitch.

[Marylov]

In the book it says to do it if you are physically separated. We are soon to be.

Also, I feel like going dark would be a 180 from being attentive, which hasn't been working. I think being kind is making me seem weak. He has been pushing my buttons, staying out all night, getting drunk. My kindness seems to be having no affect. Like I said, it was only after I had a come to Jesus talk with him about moving forward with our separation (he has been living at home despite wanting to move out) that he sent me the first nice text he has in a long time & decided to go see someone about his depression. So I'm not trying to read his mind but I am trying to monitor what is working. It seems like maybe my conversation where I acted like I was okay with the separation and actually eager to get it started helped him realize what is happening. Or maybe it didn't because last night he got plastered and ignored a text I sent him. What a mess

[Marylov]

I Reread the section tonight and I think I really need to focus on two things, 1) not taking things personally and 2) not letting other people pressure me. I am starting to hear a lot of "why are you putting up with this" and it is making me question my resolve, and I shouldn't let it. I DO want this marriage to work, and even though my H is being very hurtful, I still think he is worth fighting for

[Calibri]

Yeah, so here's the thing about depressed spouses. They're unpredictable. You can't fix it. All you can do is be supportive and let him go down the path he needs to go down.

My H is in a rather severe depression. It's horrific. All I can do is validate and support, but I'm trying to stay the hell out of his way because the changes he needs to make - he has to figure them out himself. He also has to do the work.

Take care of yourself. That's all you can do. See a therapist for yourself if you need help coping with his depression or your situation.

[Marylov]

Thanks. I see you have been separated for awhile. Are you making any progress? My fear is that this will just drag on forever. I told him he needed to move out, and he just told me he is moving out his weekend. So we are just getting started.

[MrBond]

You seem to be confusing alot of things.

"He has been pushing my buttons, staying out all night, getting drunk."

How is him going out all night and getting drunk pushing YOUR buttons? He's not doing it to hurt you. He's doing it to deal with something. Your getting irritated is just your frustration of not being able to control him.

"My kindness seems to be having no affect."

You don't know that. You EXPECT that if you're kind to him, he should react a certain way. You don't know for sure how he's going to react. Again, that's more of your control.

[Marylov]

It is interesting that you say that. We just got into a big ugly fight. A bad one. He has a very bad temper and I got scared he was going to break something. One of the things that came up was he said he hasn't been rude to me and I brought up the going out and such. He said that it was to drown his sorrow not to hurt me. So you are right on there. However the ugliness of this fight, made me really question if I want to stay in this marriage. The only thing that I am holding on to is that he is in a very bad place right now, and is acting out of pain. But I don't know how much longer I can make excuses for him.

[June315]

My husband is also depressed though he never admits to it. He will not get help at this time.

He said, "I am sad all the time"....That breaks my heart. But I am learning that I can't help him. He has to do this himself. I hope that he will do this with me but that I cannot control him.

We can only control ourselves, right? I try to focus on the good time we had and picture us being happy in the future.

[Heart14]

One of the things that came up was he said he hasn't been rude to me and I brought up the going out and such. He said that it was to drown his sorrow not to hurt me.

Mary, I can relate to some of your sitch. My husband sunk into a depression a few months before our son's 2nd birthday. He pulled away and it felt like he became a completely different person. He went out drinking all the time and, although I didn't know it at first, started an affair with a coworker. He was essentially in a fog and nothing I could do or so was going to bring him out of it. He had to do that on his own.

You cannot control him or his actions, only yours. IMO, you need to stop engaging him in conversations about R and even his behavior right now. I know how hard that is. It will save your sanity in the end though. Plus it avoids saying things in the heat of the moment that you or he might regret later. GAL and do things that make you happy outside of him. You don't need to intentionally exclude him from everything, just don't wait around for him either. Say with your actions "I'm going to be happy living my life. You are free to join if you want, and if you don't, that's okay too."

If he starts a conversation, be friendly and validate what he is saying. Remember validation doesn't mean you agree with what he's saying, it just means you hear him and you are trying to understand his viewpoint. In my person sitch I was amazed and how much that reattracted my H. I stopped trying to fix him and his problems and instead tried to say "I'm here for you".

I know we all want to fix things in an instant. Unfortunately that is rarely how this works. As Cadet always says, you've been given the gift of time. Use it wisely and work on making yourself the best you can be. That's literally the only thing you can control.

[Marylov]

I am trying to focus on the good as well. What I saw last night was a person who was very scared and sad. He had also been drinking which isn't an excuse but it is always a factor in our big fights.