V just turned the light bulb on for me! I equated detachment with being unattached, I have hope I can do this now.
Jbird
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
Thanks a lot everyone. I'm really glad that this discussion is taking place here. I realize how important it is for me to eventually understand detachment. This certainly helps my thinking, even though there's no light bulb yet. But it's ok, patience is key with those things and understanding will come eventually. It's already a big step for me to have understood that detachment is not just a way to cry less right now, it's about being a better partner in a healthy relationship.
IC Report | Again, a productive session. We talked about what I called courage and what he called audacity: getting out of your comfort zone to get what you need. I've done it by flirting a little, but it also applies to career, friendship and all. It's not easy for a Nice Guy who's afraid of expressing and meeting his needs. IC acknowledged that what I'm doing now is difficult and that few people do it. In the last two sessions, I got the feeling that he sees my S as a real breakthrough for me, one that few people have. I increasingly see the value of the psychoanalytic approach. It may be slow, but it scrapes really deep. NMMNG fits almost perfectly with what my IC tells me.
GAL Report | Last night, I had dinner at the bar of a restaurant, sitting next to a famous songwriter who's very well-liked in my family. I never worked up the courage to talk to him beyond "hello" even though we were both on our cell phones and he even moved at some point to sit next to me. I'm disappointed in me and puzzled as to why my fear of rejection is so strong (see recent chapter on flirting). I wanted to have a "mature" discussion with him, about, say, his favorite book. In fact, I crave such discussions right now. I guess it's the connection that I miss. Today: work, IC, badminton and dinner at a local restaurant. I had a drink instead of a beer, once again to experiment. Back home, I tried to sing "Always on my mind" on my acoustic guitar, but couldn't finish it. LBH: avoid this song.
Boundary Report | D3 was still sick and WAW asked again if I could help. This time was harder and it took me an hour to respond, but I said I already had deadlines and appointments. I do, even if they would be rearranged if it were my week. I just don't know if taking care of D3 for her is good co-parenting or is just taking on me the consequences of S. I know if it were my week I wouldn't ask her to help. WAW ended up dropping D3 at daycare before lunch and giving me an update, the longest text exchange we've had in weeks. She ended up with "Well then, later M" and just the fact that she used my initial had me welled up. It felt so tender, even if it probably wasn't mean to be. And I crave her tenderness so much... I have for long before BD.
Reading this update: Wow, am I all over the map. I feel more detached, I flirt, I gather strength yet I am touched by a single letter in a text message from WAW. I try to build up the courage to meet my needs, yet I can't talk to a guy sitting next to me. It's ok... it's ok... I have the gift of time.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza, Just a couple tips for striking up a conversation with someone that works great for me. I observe something about them that I like, then I compliment them on it. It works everywhere I go. A longtime ago I worked for a sales manager who taught me to look at decals on cars or a logo on a cap, then ask them a question relating to there interest.
Most people love compliments and enjoy answering questions about something they like.
I love East Indian cuisine and even cook it at home weekly. If I have a chance to talk to someone that is Indian or Pakistani I tell them I love their cuisine. I have not met a person that was unwilling to talk to me about their food. Usually you can see their eyes light up and they smile with pride. Once the ice is broken the conversation flourishes.
Jbird
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
V just turned the light bulb on for me! I equated detachment with being unattached, I have hope I can do this now.
Jbird
J sometimes things are expressed in a way that flips the switch. Once that happens we are off and running until the next 'stuck' point. That is why I believe it is important to post on each other's threads.
We supporters often observe that a release enables progress. It is delightful so I am happy for you that the light went on.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
What an awful day. A throwback to one month after BD.
D3 was sick for a third day in a row and I accepted to take care of her for the day. My plans had been cancelled anyway. I watched a movie with her. She was very affectionate and told me several times how much she loved me and I reciprocated. We really missed each other, no pretending. That was the nice part of the day.
At drop-off, I was short and polite in my interaction with WAW. I didn't invite her in despite the cold as she was on her way to work. We talked for a minute about D3 and she slipped in there that she was feeling better since she started doing sports. Good for her. She's been telling me that things aren't that bad ever since the end of our lunch two weeks ago. Believe none of what they say?
Seeing her in person is difficult because everything is so familiar. My heart says "Oh my, there you are!" I recognize her face, her clothes, her voice, her shape, her personality... And then I remember that there's someone else who feels the same way about her and that she loves him back. I'm just back in high school where the girl I love doesn't love me back. I clung to these unavailable girls for months, in vain, and now I'm doing it again.
Well for 3-4 hours after that, I wouldn't stop crying. It wasn't loud and I could hide it from D3, but it wouldn't stop. I had been reminded of what I had lost and it felt like she's the one that I want. She's the one that I married until death do us apart, with whom I had two kids and I just can't let go even after she rejected me so clearly. Finally, when D3 went to sleep, I could distract myself a little more.
Pick-up was shorter, but after it I was back in crisis mode. I had to call my parents to calm down. I went to a public event that forced me to hide my emotions and to engage. On the way back, I couldn't call anyone so I cried. I stopped at a restaurant and nearly cried while eating. I made it home and I cried like you'd told me my family had just died in a plane crash. Full blown crisis. Really?! Five months later? I calmed down by watching TV.
GAL Report | The public event was an invitation-only brainstorming on something related to my field, so I was flattered to be invited. For practice, I engaged a pretty woman who was next to me at the end of the event. I survived. By the way, thanks a lot JBird for your tips. I have them in mind.
Detachment Report | Haha! Just kidding.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza, whenever I have/had one of those super emotional days, I found it was a transition to a new level of acceptance and detachment. Eventually I learned to accept them when they came and soon they stopped happening. The last 3-4, if I found a quiet place and said, "ok, it's safe to cry now," within about 20 seconds the need to cry would be gone and I'd feel a huge urge to go do something better.
You're doing so well. I'm glad you got time with your D3. Hope she feels better. Hang in there.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Hang in there, it's okay to cry, this is hard and gut wrenching at times! Give yourself a pat on the back for maintaining your emotions in check around her.
Tomorrow will be a better day!
Jbird
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
Mozz, I'm so sorry you had a tough day. It takes me by surprise sometimes and I think - well, I'm X months on here. Why is this happening?
It is just tough sometimes and we all get super emotional days - even a while after the event. And fact is, you're still very much going through it. It's far better to really cry and get it all out. Now I'd be concerned if you'd been like that every single day since BD - but to have a tearful meltdown every now and then is perfectly normal and healthy.
You may well find that you feel much calmer having cried so much. You're doing really well Mozza ((()))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Mozza, whenever I have/had one of those super emotional days, I found it was a transition to a new level of acceptance and detachment. Eventually I learned to accept them when they came and soon they stopped happening. The last 3-4, if I found a quiet place and said, "ok, it's safe to cry now," within about 20 seconds the need to cry would be gone and I'd feel a huge urge to go do something better.
You're doing so well. I'm glad you got time with your D3. Hope she feels better. Hang in there.
ive had the exact same experience as Maybell. And Moz, I still have bad days every so often, and I'm 2 months ahead of you and pretty detached. Keep walking forward, embrace the pain when it comes, then let it go
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
