Well, I confronted my H to ask if he was having an affair after he didn’t come home on Saturday. He admitted he has been spending time with other women, but denied an outright EA and said nothing physical has happened. I told him he needs to move out ASAP, because his living at home in this limbo stage is very unhealthy for all of us. He agreed. I didn’t give him an deadline, and was very calm about it, and he said he understood. We talked a bit about the logistics of our separation. I was very clear that I didn’t want to see other people. He said he couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t get physical with someone else while we were separated, because he is very lonely. I told him my expectations, and that he needed to at least have the decency to tell me if something does happen. Am I an idiot? How much disrespect can I take?
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
We talked a bit about the logistics of our separation. I was very clear that I didn’t want to see other people. He said he couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t get physical with someone else while we were separated
Did you believe he was going to separate from you to work on the M?
In the VP of the WAS, the LBS make themselves look a little ........well, foolish, when proclaiming your intentions and meaning you expect the same from him.
He gave you as honest an answer as you've probably had so far. He has no intentions of living like a monk. If you want to live like one, that's no skin off his back. It is not going to influence him to do the same.
I am afraid your attempts at trying to be the W he has always wanted came too late in the stitch. It hasn't worked out for your benefit. Maybe you should consider a different approach.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I wasn't expecting him to say he wanted to proactively work on our marriage, but how about not proactively working to make things worse? If he wants to see other people, then in my mind we might as well skip this separation. I don't think it is too much to ask for him to keep it in his pants until we officially say our marriage is dead. That is just cowardly and I am sorry, if we are still married, that is cheating!
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
" If he wants to see other people, then in my mind we might as well skip this separation."
That's your decision if it's a boundary and a deal breaker for you. Right now he was honest with you and gave you an answer that you didn't want to hear. Some WAS's just want to see if what they have is really what they want.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
He told me he is going to see a doctor for his depression. I told him I was very proud of him. He told me how alone he feels and how he has nothing. I told him that me and his daughter are his family and that we will always be there for him. He said he tried to get me to listen for a year and I didn't care about him. I fought the urge to say that wasn't true, that I did care, and instead validated my heart out. I told him I understood how alone he felt, and that I wanted him to find some peace and be able to breathe. He walked out of the room and then later texted me that he wanted me to know that there were several special memories he had with me that could never be replaced. It was a nice thing to say but it felt like a goodbye. I told him thank you for telling me that, and that I wanted to give him the time and space he needed. I think this is where I have changed because before I would have said, "why can't you focus on the good memories then!?" I really hope he can get some medication that will help him.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
I read the section about dealing with a depressed spouse last night. It sounded all too familiar. I had made my peace with deciding to be patient, and then my H came home so drunk he could barely walk. I left him alone, and didn't say anything about how drunk he was. The next morning he acted like nothing had happened. I am not sure if doing the LRT with a depressed spouse would be a mistake?
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
Does anyone have any advice on how to treat a depressed spouse? My H asked for a D three months ago, stating that he was miserable. He finally admitted he is depressed and now I don't know what to do. His complaint was that I wasn't attentive, so I became attentive. That didn't work. So I was ready to do something different and do the LRT. But is seems wrong to do the LRT right after he told me he is going to seek help for his depression. Interestingly, he told he is going to seek help the same day I told him that he needed to move out, so maybe my tough love was what forced him into action?
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
You're mindreading. You don't know why he told you what he did. Best thing for you to do would be to support him but don't enable him. What will be key is if he actually does something on his own to help him get out of depression.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Marylov. Have you read the depressed spouse chapter towards the end of DR? That has some useful pointers. I agree with Mr Bond - it's important not to try and be Mrs Fixit (another Mrs Fixit here) and let him make some progress himself in terms of treatment and support.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Yes I read that chapter! It was helpful. I understand I can't fix him. Honestly I wouldn't even know how. I just want to encourage him to get some help. So do you think it would be wise to do the LRT?
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
