I have been working my butt off DB and working on myself. Today I am having a tough time. I am praying ALOT! I get so confused by my wife. Things have been improving some. We have been talking more. Spending a little more time together. We did have a argument the morning of Valentines Day( of all days!!). She had crossed a big boundary with me and I did talk about it. I feel I handled it really well. I did not accuse or anything like that. But I did talk about how I felt about what she did. She did get defensive and threw a fit. Said she does not feel like going anywhere for the day now. I told her that I was sorry she felt that way. I told her that nothing has changed. I still love her and always will. Just because we had a disagreement does not change that. I told her that we should just have a nice day with the kids. We went to town and had a good day. She got happier as the day went on. She gave me a hug before bed that night. Than Monday morning I got a hug and a kiss before I left for work. I have not received a kiss for a long time. Than last night a small problem happened. Her air mattress in her room is shot. She did not know what to do. I basically told her that this is silly and she needs to just sleep in our bed. She kind of fought me on it, but eventually had no choice. So this morning we talked about her getting a regular bed for her room. I do not want separate rooms. I told her that I don't care what her friends do. I want to sleep with my wife. I also said that I do not want to be in a marriage where we sleep in separate beds. We are 42 not 65. She said she is still working through some things. I said maybe she should just try sleeping in our bed for awhile and see how it goes. My question is, do I help her get a bed? I have them at the place that I work. In the past I have been selfish and not put her first or her feelings. But her sleeping in a separate bed was her idea. I also do not want to be a jerk about it. I also don't want to force the issue and push her away again. I know I have done some things in the past that have hurt her, but I never left her alone in our bed. I have always been faithful too. I was thinking of telling her, that I love her and if she wants a separate bed than she has to get it. It was not my choice for her to move out of our room. This stuff is so confusing!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
"In the past I have been selfish and not put her first or her feelings."
You still are. When you told her that her sleeping in the other room was "silly" you pretty much downplayed what she felt AGAIN. It seems like when there's something she wants to do (like sleep in another room) if you're against it, you debate about helping her.
Is this how your M has been?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I guess I am really confused. I see your point. That is why I have been having trouble with this. I do not want to sleep in separate beds the rest of our marriage. What kind of a marriage is that? Having separate rooms, sleeping apart and no intimacy. Right now I am doing something to help her. She has wanted a new vehicle for awhile now. I am helping her get it because I have been at my job longer and make more money. She wants to pay for it, but I put my name on the loan to help her get it. She deserves it. The separate room thing to me is something that will hurt our marriage. Not help it.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I guess I am really confused. I see your point. That is why I have been having trouble with this. I do not want to sleep in separate beds the rest of our marriage. What kind of a marriage is that? Having separate rooms, sleeping apart and no intimacy. Right now I am doing something to help her. She has wanted a new vehicle for awhile now. I am helping her get it because I have been at my job longer and make more money. She wants to pay for it, but I put my name on the loan to help her get it. She deserves it. The separate room thing to me is something that will hurt our marriage. Not help it.
Unfortunately DB'ing is counter intuitive.
Did you read my first post to you?
Bolded it said "DETACH"
That is the one word that might save your marriage.
For if you dont do that then I will predict your marriage will be over.
I can really see your point. And I have been doing that. It seems if I detach to much, things don't go well. I guess I am confused on that also. The one thing she told me that bothered her is how I did not pay enough attention to her in the past. I thought I was. But she felt otherwise. I thought doing a 180 for me would be showing her how much I love her and care for her. There are 2 things that make me uncomfortable about her sleeping in her room. One, it ends up being like that forever. Two, she works in her room all night. She works from home at night. On the phone. Which I have been uncomfortable with since she started doing it. It has caused quite a few fights between us.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
No I have not. That is excellent! I added it to my watch list. I think I am going to get her the bed so she can sleep in her office. I need the space to work on myself also. I hope and pray in the long run that some good can come from this. I know that I am changing for the better every day. It is very hard though. I have good days and bad days. It is weird to see the signs of a mid life crisis in her. She wants to buy this fancy new truck. And now has some plan to change her hair completely. Some days I get a nice loving hug. Others I get a pat on the back. I did share with her the other day that the things that she talks about on the phone all night for her job make me uncomfortable and cross alot of boundaries with me.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
The other thing that confused me is I have seen others advice about their spouse leaving the master bedroom and sleeping in a separate room and they said it was their choice so they should get their own bed. I guess I thought of it as if she was moving out, I was not going to help her get an apartment. Or act like I am supporting the situation. Because this is not how I saw our marriage being. And the way we were with each other before all this started, I don't think she did either. We did not have a close relationship. We emailed each other all day. Texted each other. Flirted with each other constantly. Supported each other. Enjoyed each other. She could not wait for me to get home and I could not wait either. We spent alot of time together before all this stuff happened.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
"I do not want to sleep in separate beds the rest of our marriage. What kind of a marriage is that?"
Lose the "I". Right now it's about her and her needs. You don't have a "marriage" right now. You have a crisis. If you can let go of your selfishness you can get it back on track. But all you seem to be doing is doing what YOU want to do. And she said it was one of her biggest complaints about you.
How are you changing that perception of you? Have you read the books?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
