Well I talked to her by email a few days ago. And then today she actually showed up while I was about to leave. She said do I need to move the car I said no that is ok I'm taking my bike. I then said I got the parts for the car in so we needed to coordinate on when I can fix it. She said ok np we can figure it out. When I can back she was still here. She said sorry I am running behind. I said that is ok not a problem. I went up and showered and she left. That was the extent of our conversation. I felt like she was waiting around a little longer walking back and forth maybe to draw a conversation out of me. I wanna talk to her so bad. And not about us. Just talk anD b.s. like old days. I really hope I am not doing more damage than good. But we separated one month ago, and I have done my best not to talk with since then. I have sent a few emails and only one text that was not in response to one of hers.
A WILD HAIR- I had a crazy idea to send her an email. i didnt want to come across needy or pursuing, but i was thinking i wanted to let her know that communication can continue it does not have to be dead. and it could help us. i wanted to say something like this. " W i know that we are in a bad sitch ATM but do you believe it is helpful for you and i to continue down this path of not talking. just remember that if you need to talk or you want to talk my door is open." that is what i wanted to say. but i knew it would not be a good idea. so i sit here quiet and grab advice from you all. thank you; everyone for all your help.
Yeah. Your instincts are correct ... again. That email is not a good idea.
Rysin, things are not going to feel "easy" for a long while for you. And there are no guarantees that W is going to see the changes you are making and come running back. (PS What ARE your "changes"?)
I ask that, but there's a part of me that thinks she just up and left because she needs quality time and maybe she isn't "made" to be married to a man who is deployed (IOW, there may be no "changes" you could make - besides getting out of the military - that would help make her happy). Let me be honest: I think, if that's the case, then she's a coward who should have never married a man in the military.
In the interest of full disclosure (and I'm almost ashamed to admit this, but it has nothing to do with ME, so I will): My sister, who I've written about recently on these boards to someone else, D my BIL, an Army officer, *while he was in active war in Afghanistan*. She offered excuses. But to me, there was no excuse. Her H, my BIL, called me from Afghanistan, almost daily, after BD, searching for anything - ANYTHING - to save his M. He was over there, fighting a war, and she was backtracking their S to the time he left to hurry a D before he even returned home.
All that, even though she was the one who actively pursued him, an Army officer, knowing what all that entailed.
I'm just saying that there are some people who aren't cut out to be long-term, devoted spouses of military (wo)men. There are no guarantees in your sitch. But an email to your W, to let her know that your "door is open to talk and/or listen" while she's disrespected you so much as to sleep with another man while you were off, serving your country, is absolutely NOT the honorable thing for you to do.
I'd rather you get MAD right now, Rysin. I'd rather you see your sitch for what it is: You are sacrificing for your country. And it appears as though ONE of those sacrifices, at least for now, was your M. You deserve better. You deserve someone who is LOYAL to you while you are putting it ALL on the line to be loyal to your country.
Why WOULD you leave your "door open" to someone who turned his/her back on you that way?
For me, personally? Yeah, I'll admit it: I want to hear stories of your W stopping by your house and you looking and smelling and acting better - and more assured - than you have in YEARS. That's why I asked if there's been any interactions. I want to know she's SEEING the bada$s Rysin. Not the sad, sappy Rysin who emails the woman who is cheating on him, telling her that his door is always open to her to talk (about what? What a wuss OM is???). No. I'm curious if W is being exposed to the RISING Rysin. Tha MAN.
THAT is who she needs to "happen" in to at home when she stops by.
Trust me: the relationship with OM is growing old by the day. The last thing you want to do is present "old Rysin" as an "option." No sir. You're something familiar. But you should be something fresh and new. Something confident. Something masculine. Something - dare I say? - HARD TO GET!!!!
Be creative in how you pull this off, but make sure she sees that Rysin is RISING.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I am doing my best, i have started hitting the gym more, i was always strong and muscular but now i am toning my body more. i have made it my point to be nice and cordial and smile when i see her. but be a little aloof. I keep the house spotless that way when she comes in she wonders why the house is always so clean. i always did the bathrooms and the dishes but now im cleaning everything even vacuuming and i make sure my bed is made every morning. and do a little spray of my new different cologne lol. I am currently waiting for my new sheets to get here. they are going to be sexy!....by the way. and now i cook almost every night something she never let me do. i do allot of riding on my bike, with some of my other military buddies. gone out a few times but i am trying to avoid that area. Planing a camping trip i hope in a few weeks and hitting a few events like concerts and such. i really wanna learn salsa so that and my advanced open water dive cert. are big ones. so i am doing things its just hard because i never see her and im not sure if she see's the changes. the wild part is OM is military as well so why would she chose that. But then again we cannot begin to understand her reasoning. Like i tell everyone that knows. W is not W anymore she is not herself and she will not act like herself. and if she does act like herself in public i guarantee she is hating life in private.
yeah well my sitch has turned my heart to squash lol. I hope that her seeing me today doing my own thing helps in whatever way that is. i know who i am and what i deserve, she was an amazing woman once i am not sure what happened or how it got this way we were always amazing together. Without a doubt fire and gasoline. and then i come home and poof gone. i just cant help to see the woman i loved for so long so devotedly in there still. i just wonder if she believes she is still there or if she is lost for good. i guess only time will tell. thank you train.
Your doing the right thing. You are working on you. We have to remember DB is not so much about saving your marriage as it is about saving yourself. It is her loss if she decides never to recommit. You have to remember that. Keep focusing on you buddy. In the long run that will get you through to the other side. Definitely don't send any needy emails. Its hard I know. I feel like doing the same. You feel like bloody shaking them to wake them up somehow. It wont work. Be the best you can be. If you wrote an advert for a dating site what would it say? That you are still sat around wishing your wife would come back and you never go out and your miserable? Not going to get much interest. Or that you are super fit, in great shape, love biking camping, outdoors and trying new things. That would be the one that gets all the hits. It is out of your control what your wife wants to do.
chin up we all have days worse than others.
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
Yeah. Your instincts are correct ... again. That email is not a good idea.
Rysin, things are not going to feel "easy" for a long while for you. And there are no guarantees that W is going to see the changes you are making and come running back. (PS What ARE your "changes"?)
I ask that, but there's a part of me that thinks she just up and left because she needs quality time and maybe she isn't "made" to be married to a man who is deployed (IOW, there may be no "changes" you could make - besides getting out of the military - that would help make her happy). Let me be honest: I think, if that's the case, then she's a coward who should have never married a man in the military.
In the interest of full disclosure (and I'm almost ashamed to admit this, but it has nothing to do with ME, so I will): My sister, who I've written about recently on these boards to someone else, D my BIL, an Army officer, *while he was in active war in Afghanistan*. She offered excuses. But to me, there was no excuse. Her H, my BIL, called me from Afghanistan, almost daily, after BD, searching for anything - ANYTHING - to save his M. He was over there, fighting a war, and she was backtracking their S to the time he left to hurry a D before he even returned home.
All that, even though she was the one who actively pursued him, an Army officer, knowing what all that entailed.
I'm just saying that there are some people who aren't cut out to be long-term, devoted spouses of military (wo)men. There are no guarantees in your sitch. But an email to your W, to let her know that your "door is open to talk and/or listen" while she's disrespected you so much as to sleep with another man while you were off, serving your country, is absolutely NOT the honorable thing for you to do.
I'd rather you get MAD right now, Rysin. I'd rather you see your sitch for what it is: You are sacrificing for your country. And it appears as though ONE of those sacrifices, at least for now, was your M. You deserve better. You deserve someone who is LOYAL to you while you are putting it ALL on the line to be loyal to your country.
Why WOULD you leave your "door open" to someone who turned his/her back on you that way?
For me, personally? Yeah, I'll admit it: I want to hear stories of your W stopping by your house and you looking and smelling and acting better - and more assured - than you have in YEARS. That's why I asked if there's been any interactions. I want to know she's SEEING the bada$s Rysin. Not the sad, sappy Rysin who emails the woman who is cheating on him, telling her that his door is always open to her to talk (about what? What a wuss OM is???). No. I'm curious if W is being exposed to the RISING Rysin. Tha MAN.
THAT is who she needs to "happen" in to at home when she stops by.
Trust me: the relationship with OM is growing old by the day. The last thing you want to do is present "old Rysin" as an "option." No sir. You're something familiar. But you should be something fresh and new. Something confident. Something masculine. Something - dare I say? - HARD TO GET!!!!
Be creative in how you pull this off, but make sure she sees that Rysin is RISING.
Today- W came home after midnight last night, we do not live together but she left the car at home and took her scooter out lastnight. When I got up I saw she had left the scooter outside with her keys still in it. The keys were to her office and home. So I sent her a text. "Good morning You left your keys in the scooter, I will leave them at your office." She said thank you. I did not respond. Within an hour i received an email from W saying she wants to make an appointment to get her oil changed in her scooter. She then asks me if I could take it in for her. I was going to do it before she said anything but now I am wondering if I should say I can't and have her do it. I know that ATM I am fired as her H. So I feel like I shouldn't be doing H duties. But I enjoy working with vehicles. Same reason I fix her car. Maybe I should stop all of that. I was told today by a buddy since she is not treating me like her husband I need to stop doing husband things. Including laundry. When she comes home she will put some of her laundry in my hamper, I do not pick it out since it is such a small amount I just wash them. I was told I should pick them out and not touch them. What do you guys/gals think? I'm hoping that today is a better day.
