As vanilla said, what your H said only has to affect your relationship with your friend if you choose to let it. H could be saying all sorts of things to all sorts of people, testing how it feels for him, testing what gets him a particularly reaction or equally his mood may be as variable as our weather.
I wonder whether we spend so long thinking about what our WAS' are thinking and doing and what they want that sometimes we dont take long enough to really think about we want.
Answers can be hard so maybe start with what the questions really are for you right now.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
*He was made redundant yesterday *He'd known it might happen (industry downturn) *He's started looking, but may be out of work for a while *He thinks we should start selling the family home *He can't maintain house and flat in longer term *We should figure out what to do & do it together
*Last year he did something very stupid *He's still very sorry that he hurt me *He forgot what was important in life and got all caught up in something *I'm a special person and he's never been as happy again as he was with me *But, he doesn't think we can ever go back now *Hard as it is to say, he needs to tell me he'll continue into a new stage in his life now *But he doesn't know what it holds for him
So, I guess he's now told me what he's been telling others for a while - our R is over. I'm not sure how to respond and need to think about it.
I can say how sorry I am about his job. I can agree for the house to be sold. I'll see if I can have the pets. He still hasn't (ever) mentioned D, so how do I deal with that? I can tell him that our R ending isn't what I want, but if this is what he wants, I respect and accept that.
I still don't know status of A. But I wonder if this is a chance for he and I to team up and have some more contact in selling/clearing the house. For me to be a supportive friend to him whilst things are tough. But maybe I'm off beam thinking this. What do you think DBers please?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thats a lot to process. Its beyond my sitch so I can only offer my own thoughts not experience of this so any vets should obviously supercede my advice.
Are you going to return the email with a brief reply and suggest you meet up to talk through some points? If so just keep the reply warm raise the points you mention and suggest meeting up somewhere to talk through what each of you wants to happen, I wouldn't fall into my personal pitfall of seeing an ending yet, I think or thought, everything was "the end" it will be when it is it isn't yet. Unless I've misunderstood he still hasn't mentioned d so I think there are options to be explored, this is of course if thats what you want.
I think being supportive and warm is good (basically my mantra right now) but be sure to stay true to your message that this isn't what you want.
Hang in there toots
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Hi Toots, wow, that's a tough one. I'll second what Edz said - don't think this is the end unless you want it to be. As far as your response, I wish I could offer some words of wisdom but I'm not sure. I'll just say - don't feel pressured to respond right away. No harm in leaving it till the end of the day or tomorrow, and taking some time to really think out your response.
Perhaps if you need to buy time you could reply "so sorry to hear about your job. [something validating or encouraging] Wow there's a lot to think about in this email, I'll reply properly tomorrow."
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
These are my first thoughts but I will think a little more. I am going to put V client hat on first, (a little cooler) and ask myself if Toots were a client of mine what would I say? I will post a little later as V DB friend.
A number of things, firstly if he has been made redundant there will be a redundancy cheque. Any idea of how much, how many years has he been with his current employer for example? Is this a voluntary redundancy, if so there will be a large discretionary element. What about H pension stuff. Can look on this and there are changes from 6 April 2015 in the UK. Will review this for my next post.
H will get another job and that stage consider the issue of sale of houses.
Update L on this and get advice on your new position.
Take some of the emotional stuff with a pinch of salt, he may have applied for a job in China for all you know at this stage. Mind you my H just took his redundancy money, did not look for another job and spent it. But he is almost 59. If I had known this my view would have been different when this happened.
If this were V and she felt she were being made redundant then she would be researching a new job. Take the redundancy money, pay off a chunk of mortgage etc.
Take your time in rushing to respond, consider what your H is likely to do. Toots the job market in the UK is generally good. look after Toots on this. I think Toots needs more Intel.
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 02/18/1509:56 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi Toots, as you are well aware I'm very far from a vet but he comes my thoughts.
Based on the email your H is very confused, he just lost his job and is obviously not over the moon with his new life.
For me, the part about R being over can be taken both ways, yes he is moving forward but not sure what that holds. I can also see him reaching out somewhat. I would take things very slowly now and would not be looking for any talk about R. Again, for me, he seems to be looking at his own sitch with fresh eyes. Getting laid off nust be very hard and unless he has a heart of stone, his personal life must be causing him pain. As I have said before, my own W can breeze into the house with a smile and good form and call me on the phone 10 mins later crying her eyes out.
I don't see any big change in your sitch other than H now has money worries on top of the rest of his troubles. You know about my stars and planet theory and his email is full of stars.
Nothing really changed except he is saying he made mistakes and loads of stars. Now the stars are to be ignored in my opinion but and its a big but, that email contains load of positive stars and if your going to see stars, better they are positive.
Again, for me, don't react, give yourself time to process what he said and give him time to process the loss of his job.
Thanks Edz and Susana - I haven't replied yet, but he's emailed again:
*He hopes I won't take his email as presumptuous *As though he might decide what's best for us *He didn't intend it that way *He knows I have my own life now *He hopes it is happy and only wishes the best for me *The more he things about it, he wishes he'd put things differently *He hopes I understand it isn't always easy to write things
Love H.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
May be just me but thats the kind of thing I was doing post bd in my fog, sounds like he is feeling a lot of emotions and isnt sure how to process them or if he's doing the right thing.
Again toots, obviously warmth but dont rush breathe, relax and make sure you focus on you as well
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
