Mozza, You don't come across as a womanizer on here. You wouldn't be DBing and you wouldn't be trying to improve yourself. No womanizer I know thinks they have to improve themselves! They just keep swinging until they get a hit and they don't even care if the woman has a wedding ring on.
I've read a lot of your posts and I find you are an awesome person.
Jbird
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
GAL Report | The dream: I spent Valentine's Day with Scarlett Johansson (watching Lucy on iTunes). Before that, I had cleaned the house and gone to a café to hang out. Oh and I bought a few bottles of alcohol (wine, port, rum), for when I have guests. Don't worry: I don't drink alone. Then went out for dinner and drinks, and didn't really meet anyone. Sunday was too quiet at home and it got my PMA down. I turned down an invitation from a couple of friends for dinner because I wanted to go out again. Went for dinner then drinks and didn't talk to anyone but felt good the whole time. Also, I'm really getting to know the various places in my neighborhood.
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WAW sent me a "random email" (funny video) on Friday and I didn't respond. It seems like her kids-related communications have become shorter since then. Also, she posted on Instagram a pic taken a competition where OM is. I sometimes wonder when they'll really go public and that's the closest they got, for what I know.
She texted me yesterday about her old boss getting divorced. This person is important because WAW got involved into a car accident with her years ago. WAW and her boss had switched cars and that of her boss rolled over. WAW helped to pull out her boss from the wreck and took her to the hospital. She's suffered brain damage and was never herself again, a woman with a PhD, an international career and two kids now unable to work. Her husband has been heroic for the last 5-6 years, but now he's calling it quit.
I feel I'm moving on. I haven't been on WAW's Facebook page since I met her about a dozen days ago. It's my longest stretch since the breakup. I just feel it's not worth it, despite the temptation. I'm less tortured that she's sleeping with OM. Also, I'm more interested in my future than in what she's doing. All this flirting is really interesting me, making me think about what would be next for me. The lack of contact is also helping me detach. Oh, it's not that I'm really detached, it's just that the intensity is lower. V day was painful, but not that bad. I've cried a couple of times Sunday, but I realize that the pain is not as intense as two or three months ago. I don't call my parents every day anymore. I'm starting to think that I really shouldn't talk about my S so much. I wake up without the pain almost every morning.
It's contradictory, but every time I realize I'm moving on a little, I imagine the opposite reaction from WAW. As her life is becoming less exciting and more normal, like what we had, I think that she might start missing our relationship. I still fear getting to a point where I don't want her and she wants me, but I'm no longer so certain it would be a bad thing.
Originally Posted By: Jbird
I've read a lot of your posts and I find you are an awesome person.
Thanks a lot, JBird. I was really touched by this.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks a lot, Karma for assembling these posts. I've re-read them all. I start to understand detachment, or at least I think I do, but I've a hard time applying it. I think I don't understand it fully because I don't see how can one love fully and be detached at the same time. I probably need to read on codependency. It also tells me that I still have tons to learn before I'm ready for a healthy relationship. Oh, the gift of time...
I should say too that I am feeling much more detached in the last two weeks. I'm not sure what snapped inside of me, but I've lost some of my interest in WAW. I think it has to do with the flirting, to be honest. It fits with my IC assessment that I'm in such a state of panic because I fear that my WAW is the only 10/10 woman that I can ever get. The only woman who attracts me completely and that also happens to be attracted by me. It's how I felt when we got together. I'm afraid of having to settle for a 6/10.
I've read this in No More Mr Nice Guy. It's a trait of the Nice guys:
Originally Posted By: No More Mr Nice Guy
Forming relationships with women who are angry, sick, depressive, compulsive, addicted, unfaithful, or otherwise unavailable.
Who is more unavailable to me than my WAW at the moment? She's been unfaithful in 2009 and I've forgiven her on the spot because I was so afraid of losing her and half of D6. Yet, here I am hoping for R with her. She's been clear in all her words and actions that she is unavailable for good. Sure, I have reasons to believe that she may change her mind but... in the meantime? What does it say about me as an emotionally healthy person that I find reasons to hang on to her, even so much time after she left me for someone else? The healthy attitude seems to be to take stock of her unavailability and to reassess solely if she makes herself available to me.
So what I want to build now is the sense that my W is not the only available partner for me, she's not even the only 10/10 woman for me. This is why I'm getting out there and meeting people. This is why I'm flirting and this is why I'd be open to go on a date. I wouldn't promise anything to a woman who's looking for a commitment, but I'm still far from that river and there's no bridge in sight. For now, I already get a lot of mileage out of getting a positive reaction from women that I find interesting. ______________________
GAL Report | I didn't have to work and I spent most of the day at home. I had lunch with a friend. I also interviewed a potential babysitter. Tonight, I'm going for dinner alone at a local restaurant. Looking forward to it.
Boundary report | WAW asked if I could pick up D3 from the daycare because she has a fever. I could have rearranged my schedule, like anyone, but so does she and it's her week, so I said no. A few months ago, I was overcome with anxiety by requests like this. Will she resent me? Will it make her unhelpful when I need her? Should I be with my kid? What will be the consequences? How would I feel for helping her out? This time, it was an easy decision that I did quickly and without consulting anyone: It's her week and I'm no longer her backup so that she can focus on work. One more consequence of her decision to S. She responded that she'd go and that was it. I'm happy I didn't pick up her phone call though and let it go to VM because I might have folded on the phone. It's a process...
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Detachment has helped me see my kids more clearly and to see how they hear and see me. That makes it easier to be more mindful in how I treat them and easier to be aware of their needs. Even if I can't meet them in the moment I can at least acknowledge them and make it known they're important to me.
It's also made it a lot easier to be patient. D11 really knows how to push my buttons and I used to engage every single time. Now I see it fir what it is and address it more strategically, so our household is a lot calmer. That's better for everyone.
That is the way that detachment can make relationships closer and more loving.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thanks a lot Maybell. Your post makes me wonder if this concept of detachment is the key to my sitch, not only how I go through S but how I got here. I was too critical of my W, I would be her chief adviser, I would be very involved in helping her, I felt responsible for all her problems. When she left, she said that she was running away from my influence, both positive and negative.
So what if I had been both in love and detached? I don't know, it still feels like I wouldn't have loved her as much. I feel like things would have been worse for her without my interventions. So I'm not out of the woods, but I feel like I might have an idea of where things - loving her so much and yet making her leave - might have clashed.
Also, looking around these boards, it seems to be that way with the part of DB that we can't understand intuitively.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I was too critical of my W, I would be her chief adviser, I would be very involved in helping her, I felt responsible for all her problems. When she left, she said that she was running away from my influence, both positive and negative.
Mozza,
These words rang true to me too. This is almost exactly how I see my sitch. My W said that she felt trapped and she became the person that I wanted her to be and not who she was. She followed that up later by saying that no one (parents, me, sister, friends) really know her except for a close circle of friends (OM & his GF.) I think this is a little bit of MLC alongside all of the other things going on.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
“As children, Nice Guys did not get their needs met in timely, judicious ways. Some were neglected, some were used, some were abused, some were abandoned. All grew up believing that it was a bad or dangerous thing for them to have needs. All grew up convinced that if they were going to have anything in life, it would be up to them.
Consequently, Nice Guys are terrible receivers. They are terrified of asking for help. They are completely miserable when others try to give to them. They have difficulty delegating to others.
Because they believe they have to do it all themselves, Nice Guys rarely live up to their full potential.”
Wow. Just wow. Thanks for sharing this on Maybell's thread.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Detachment means not attaching to an outcome that is always outside of your control. V makes that work for her in simplicity.
This is different to 'unattached' , I think there may be confusion. We are keeping love, care of the person, but not concerned if they love or care for us as an exchange for our love and care.
V tries to be a loving caring W who projects love and care (unstated) but whether H loves and cares back is detached. I do what I do because it is the thing that helps V the most. If V wants the reverse then she has to be loveable, the best V she can be. But V is detached from H loving her, she has no say in that. V is loving as far as she can be without expectation. V is a work in progress and whether H loves V, wants to be with V is for H to know.
I have let go of H but I still love him, DB, and want an R with a H who wants an R with me. Is it important, yes indeed.
How do we do this? Simple go GAL. H is not the only show in town, Shaun the Sheep is good value too.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 02/18/1511:45 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
