I had GAL plans to go out, but SND20 threw a fit. I had to stay home because she didn't want to be alone with her mom. W broke SND20's heart today when she told her she was moving to MT. SND20 said "if you go, you don't love me!" She cried for the next hour.
I reread the detachment posts that Karma made yesterday, they helped me keep my mouth shut! I understand it makes no sense and if she can leave her SNd20 for rendezvous in MT there is nothing I can do.
After dinner I'll take SND20 for a walk. jbird
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
I'm going to get a 2 x 4 from you all today. I maybe to honest for for this world, but here goes another truth. My GAL plans fell through, SND20 was extremely upset with her mother and STBX pushed a lot of buttons today.
STBX had to remind SND20 she was moving to MT in April and then asked her to move with her the minute she got home from Dallas. After SND20 got so upset about her mother abandoning her, I confronted STBX about her plans to meet up with the convict when he gets out of prison, I told her I knew about the letters and their plans, I knew she put money on his calling account and I pulled up his court records. I said "I'm showing you this for your wellbeing, he has a dozen felonies, most are beating his ex wife, theft, drugs etc! Now that I've told you, you are not naive to the kind of man he is, so if you're still interested in him, you can have each other."
I know this is not good DBing in most cases, but I feel better that if she didn't know, now she does. I feel stronger for standing up to her about what she is doing to SND20. I hope it lasts, I feel more detached now than I have been! I told her, if you want to go, then go. She can move tonight I don't want to be around her in this insane state of mind!
I don't even care it was Valentines Day, I would rather be alone than deal with anymore crazy! BTW, SND20 turned her down with an imfatic "NO Way am I moving with you!"
Jbird
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
I think that it is your job to protect your girls and their mother is making dangerous unhealthy choices. It is best for all of you to stay away from her right now.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
I did show her his court records. The reason I showed her was for her wellbeing and to make sure I wouldn't feel guilty if something does happen. Now my conscience is clear. She got real defensive, but so what. Then took me off her facebook, who cares, not me!
It is very hard to detach when living in the same house with STXW and SND20. I don't have the freedom to just leave anytime I feel like. I will do more GAL when SND20 is spending time with her friends.
I wouldn't trade my daughter for any relationship in the future. We come as a package deal, so my next R maybe a longtime coming. Right now if someone was knocking down my door I wouldn't be interested.
Jbird
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
I did show her his court records. The reason I showed her was for her wellbeing and to make sure I wouldn't feel guilty if something does happen. Now my conscience is clear. You didn't mention that your unspoken goal was to get your w to change her mind. But even without this particular OM, how could you possibly get back together with the other factors?
So while I guess you are saying that now your "conscience is clear", (as if you had any responsibility for her choices. And please check this behavior b/c I see elements of control, and major league codependence in you here), I sure hope you can finally let go of any more talk about OM.
Seriously, drop the rope.
She got real defensive, but so what. Then took me off her facebook, who cares, not me!
It is very hard to detach when living in the same house with STXW and SND20.
How many times are you going to tell yourself ^^this? No one here had it easy.
If your w had left you all completely, you'd say she "abandoned" the kids, and now that she plans on leaving for Montana, my guess is you'll also find that "really hard", as if it was easy for anyone here.
My kids were a lot younger than yours, and my h would drop by and stay in the home every few weeks or months....without notice, and I had no control over when he'd do that.
Yes it was hard. But if you do not change your approach you will face MORE difficulty. IF I WERE YOU, I"D fear the alternative to GAL, A LOT MORE....the alternative is More of the same. When you attach your well being to your wife's behavior, you surrender control over your life and happiness to a sick person. And it's not a healthy choice on Your end, either.
I don't have the freedom to just leave anytime I feel like. I will do more GAL when SND20 is spending time with her friends.
So what are YOU doing to make that^^ happen?
I wouldn't trade my daughter for any relationship in the future. We come as a package deal, so my next R maybe a longtime coming. Right now if someone was knocking down my door I wouldn't be interested.
Jbird
That is good to hear, especially b/c you are nowhere near ready for a relationship with another woman.
You need to pretty much drop the rope now. Not sure how many ways to say this but you must GAL, detach, heal and move on.
Jbird, you thank people for their advice here. You say that it "really helps", often.
I don't mean to sound harsh but you need a bit of a 2 x 4. So here is my question, Do you take any of the advice? You really must.
This program only works, when you work this program. Take some advice, start doing what has been suggested numerous times. Your life will improve.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Since my STBX has mental illness issues, I should cook for her and fix her car, correct?
When she is involved with OM who has 32 court cases in 15 yrs, of which he was found guilty of at least a dozen felonies. So I shouldn't warn her?
Yesterday she needed help rehooking up her computers for her travel agent job, she works from her home office. She had no clue, so I helped her. Was I right to help her or wrong?
To me all are being codependent. I know I can't control her, this is all her choice, but she is very very naive about a lot of things. For an example two years ago she thought the sun and the moon were the same thing. She saw a facebook post about the highway by Mt Rushmore being closed, because they were bringing a large lump of coal to put on the mountain and carve Obama's face. She thought it was true.
I am working on a trip to ND to see family and to help me cut the rope.
Jbird
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
Since my STBX has mental illness issues, I should cook for her and fix her car, correct? Your stbx is not getting help for her issues, correct? She is leaving the marriage, correct? She's leaving the area soon, (or plans to), correct? Keep those realities in mind.
If fixing her car or cooking her meals, (meals were already discussed & you seemed clear on this issue), are convenient for you to do, and NOT costly in time or effort or money, then it is acceptable I suppose.
But you cannot divert any resources her way b/c you say you are broke and you have a SND to care for.
Where do YOU think your energy and resources ought to be spent?
When she is involved with OM who has 32 court cases in 15 yrs, of which he was found guilty of at least a dozen felonies. So I shouldn't warn her?
Wow, this is ^^ crazy of you to know.
First, You assume she did not know, (she may have known and pretended not to) AND second, you snooped about OM, which is not your responsibility and which is a waste of time on your end. There are reasons that DB books say Not to snoop... Has what you told her, made any difference?
None of this^^ is your responsibility. NONE OF IT. It's your responsibility to plan on caring for your SND and yourself. What are you doing in that arena?
I thought you were really worried about financial survival and needed to find more income to support you & your daughter. I thought that was where you wanted to focus, not on your stbxw....
I really hope you'll prioritize things more, b/c far too much of your life and focus and mental and emotional energy is spent on what your wife is or will be doing.
That's no way to live. She cannot be the center of your universe.
Yesterday she needed help rehooking up her computers for her travel agent job, she works from her home office. She had no clue, so I helped her. Was I right to help her or wrong? Does it matter?
I mean, as I and others have said, if it's not a diversion of resources for you, do as you wish. Never be cruel or rude. But make sure you Do not pursue or have expectations/hopes. My hunch is that you harbor hopes your wife will feel grateful and want to stay with you, b/c you feed her or repair things.
I'm glad you see the co-dependence piece of it, b/c it sure seems as if you think being needed by her, means you are highly valued by her.
I don't believe your wife thinks you are filling her needs, at least not in a way that she values highly. Sorry, I know that hurts. But it's how it looks to me.
To me all are being codependent. I know I can't control her, this is all her choice, but she is very very naive about a lot of things. Why does that make any difference? Isn't what you are really doing, is trying to exert some control/influence over her, WHILE pretending to realize you have none?
Try to recognize that your actions speak much louder than your words. See thru your own "stories" so you can learn to change.
For an example two years ago she thought the sun and the moon were the same thing. That is not naiveté on her part, that is ignorance.
I am not trying to insult her, but it's important to accurately describe a behavior.
Naivete is being too trustworthy, too unsophisticated, not "worldly" enough to know when someone is a con artist. Dating a prisoner can be very naive.
But not knowing the difference between the sun and moon, is not naive.
Not that it matters, but are you sure you understood her? It's hard for me to believe, really. I say that b/c you have never before intimated that she's this uninformed. You said she had PTSD and an opiate addiction, (which may be related to each other, but are not related to IQ or worldliness).
And she earns a decent income, correct?
She saw a facebook post about the highway by Mt Rushmore being closed, because they were bringing a large lump of coal to put on the mountain and carve Obama's face. She thought it was true. I am working on a trip to ND to see family and to help me cut the rope.
Jbird
Can you explain ^^^ this? I don't see the connection between a trip and dropping the rope. Btw, How far away are you?
And, again, what are your 180s and GAL? Seriously, what are they? Have you noticed that you are still making your posts about HER?
When do you think that should stop? Can you try to post about your life and your kids and ideas, etc, for a week, without mentioning your wife?
Maybe take it a day at a time. But begin now, b/c imo, it's a huge part of your co-dependence.
And hang in there! Things will get better.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
