Excuse the tangent, but does anyone know the song by Straight Lines Called "Letting Go"? I think this song should be the anthem of every LBS. I am actually surprised that there is no thread about songs and movies for LBSs (to my knowledge). Music has been very therapeutic for me. There are songs that lift me up when I am down and there are songs in which I sometimes drown my sorrows (beats alcohol). Similarly, there are films that are loaded with guidance on how to endure suffering and how to get back on your feet, and there are films on infidelity that show me that I am not alone.
I am kind of a newbie here, but I think I could be coaxed to start a new thread where members can submit their most inspirational songs or films. It is sort of tangential to DB, kinda like Maybell's 5K training thread, but could be therapeutic for some, in a GAL sort of way. If there is any interest, let me know. If anyone has a song they want to submit, feel free in your response. Suggestions for a name for the new thread would also be welcome.
RAI
P.S. I'm Not Down and Train In Vain, both by The Clash, are particularly empowering.
Until now, I have been struggling to figure out how to behave towards my W. I could not figure out what boundaries to draw. Heck, I was not even sure what a boundary meant. Until now, I have had such a hard time detaching. Now I know why. I was reading KieranR and Starsky's thread (an incredible, quickly-evolving thread - keep up the strong work Kieran) and it finally clicked.
Regardless of (or perhaps because of) what I have been saying to my WAW (threats, insults, sarcasm, bring passive aggressive), my actions until now were screaming that I want her back and that I want to control her. the angrier and jealouser (yup, I made that word up) that I got the more I was projecting that I want W back even if she is cheating. I was basically saying, that I will tolerate any behavior. As a result, she had no boundaries and my self-respect was diminished in my eyes and her eyes. *How very attractive* (sarcasm intended). I guess this is what all LBSs do. They act on their emotions, thinking that the begging and pleading we will help and that their WAW will respond to a rational argument.
I now realize that there are things I will not and can not tolerate. I have my standards. I need to tell her (through my actions) that I would not be willing to have her back as long as she is still with OM. The best way to do this is by not reacting to her crazy; By detaching. Part of being a man that W would be crazy to leave includes respecting myself, and GAL. If that means D, then so be it. I can't control her and I can't stop her for making her own mistakes.
I have read all this in thread after thread and it did not click until now. does everyone have this epiphany at some point during DB? I think it is too late to save my M. It is disappointing, but at the same time, for some reason, it is somewhat liberating. I need to detach and GAL for my own sanity, not to get her back. I need to proceed with the mediation process. Failure to do so makes me look like I am holding on. My friends, I had no idea what "drop the rope means" until this second. I kept asking asking people and never got a response. Looks like I figured it out on my own.
I still have to re-read DB and DR and have a long way to go, but I think I just made my first baby step. As far as being civil and cordial with my W, I realize that it is very important. I have been reading about "Parental Alienation Syndrome". This topic does not come up very much in the forums. I do not think it will help my children if I turn them against their mother. If anything it will be very harmful. Regardless, it will be easier to be civil with W the less I need from her.
I would like to be present, when W realizes what a tragic mistake she made.
RAI
P.S. I feel pretty good right now, but please someone chime in if it sounds like I am making a huge mistake on this.
Detaching and Gal are the essence of DB. We all say and feel the same thing when that bomb drops. We would do anything to have that person back. Don't think I've seen a single thread where they just go " oh right go on then leave". If and when you can look at it rationally why do you want that person back? If someone not involved looked at it they would say WAS has lied, cheated, manipulated, bullied, humiliated,emasculated and basically lost all respect for you (us). they are addicts, and will do anything to get that fix. So why do we want them back? You wouldn't want a friend like that. Our emotions. That's all it is, just natural human behaviour to see something we are losing and want it back desperately. I think with us men as well a lot of it has to do with our ego. I know it does with me. Do I still sit here thinking I want my wife back? of course I do. Do I get moments of clarity and think why the hell do I want her back when she has sh!t all over me for so long? Yes. I will be detaching permanently as i'm moving out. I think only then months or more down the road will I know whether i still want to be with this person. I certainly wouldn't want to be with her the way she is and she wouldn't want to be with me the way I have been for the last x years either. We pushed each other away for years to get to this point it isn't going to get resolved over night.
I read a great but difficult article over at surviving infidelity, wayward section by etaoin. all about his affair. very insightful to how it started, progressed, continued and ended. Its what we already know. Its a fantasy, and the only time it stops is when the fantasy where's off and you start seeing that person warts and all. basically reality kicks in and a lot of the time they think WTF have I done.
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
Ontheup, I registered with si. I only stalked the site in the early days after D-day. Have not been back there in a long time. I was hoping I could find the post you mentioned. They don't seem to have a search function like DB. I know you can't post links on the board (you could get kicked off because of it). Can you at least describe where you found it? Was it in the general section? Do you know how to search on that site?
" I will be detaching permanently as i'm moving out. I think only then months or more down the road will I know whether i still want to be with this person. I certainly wouldn't want to be with her the way she is and she wouldn't want to be with me the way I have been for the last x years either. We pushed each other away for years to get to this point it isn't going to get resolved over night."
Good luck with the detachment process. Don't let your W turn you into someone you don't want to be. Always take the high ground.
The thread in SI by etaoin was an excellent read. Thx so much for the recommendation. I have wondered so many times what was going through WAWs head. I have had my own theories and have heard ideas from wise family/friends and even from my IC. But I could never be sure. It is so much more credible coming directly from a WAS. It is like etaoin said, if you want advice on how to quit smoking, you don't go to a smoker or non-smoker. You go to an ex-smoker.
The thread gave me a lot of insight and I see my W in a totally different, pretty pathetic, light. Strangely, I was pretty in awe of Ws total transformation even though it was a terribly negative one. However, behind the new clothing (e.g. thongs, fishnet stockings), new music (rap? she's a Jewish momma, for pete's sake!!), long wigs, and extra make-up - i.e. without the mystique - she is a vulnerable, self-absorbed, delusional, insecure individual. I was worried that she had all the control, but in truth, WAW is just as out-of-control as I have been feeling. Etaoin also demystifies the OM. I can stop comparing. Whatever she sees in him is an extension of her own delusions. Lastly, the bit about cheerleaders was totally new to me. Boy, does my W have a lot of cheerleaders. I need to detach from them and their actions too.
Originally Posted By: Ontheup
Our emotions. That's all it is, just natural human behaviour to see something we are losing and want it back desperately. I think with us men as well a lot of it has to do with our ego. I know it does with me.
So true! Sandi2 told me as much 2 months ago. My ears are still ringing. But seriously, Sandi, thanks again for the much needed 2x4.
The posts by etaoin also offer me a glimmer of hope that she may snap out of it one day. IF it happens, it will be too late to save my M, but I will always feel vindicated that I did everything I could to save my M and that I took the high road - starting with respecting myself. Truthfully, I can't ever see us together again. She would have to do a lot of hard work, and I frankly don't think she is capable.
I must drop the rope as it is burning my hands. I will call the mediator tomorrow.
I do think your wife is in one of the early stages of remorse, but there are several stages. They'll go from "I'm sorry I got caught," to "I'm sorry for ME that I've messed myself up so much," to "I'm sorry for YOU that I hurt you (but I still don't see anything wrong with what I did)," to finally a more self-aware "I'm sorry for what I did because IT WAS THE WRONG THING TO DO, on so many levels. For me, for the pain I caused my husband, for the breaking of my vows, etc."
Wow. I had such a tough time reconciling my wife's assertion that she was remorseful for her actions with the terrible feeling I had that she had no remorse whatsoever. I now realize that it was somewhere in between. I may be mind reading, but her expressions of remorse (as I saw them) were reminiscent of stage 2. Obviously, she was not doing anything to help me stop triggering.
This is my wife to a T......"WAW is just as out-of-control"
She is so far down the rabbit hole i have no idea how she is goingto get out. It si all still a massive secret as far as her family and friends. Not one personon her side knows....sigh!
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
