Complex #4 - D talk started / Detaching continues

[Complex]

Yes. It's a DECISION to cheat and to lie. Maybe one altered by circumstances, or the damn devil himself. We lose who we really are getting sukked up in a journey of emotions.

Point to consider is that WAS's checked out of the marriage, so in their head it only exists on paper (W's words), which eventually leads to validation that the "A" is ok. Bc M is over anyway. And I don't even know..it's partially true, but just disrrspectful and selfish on the highest level,...I guess no matter of the circumstances, it always is.
I guess it's also one thing: human

[Starsky309]

I guess I should wait for the right situation before I throw this line out ...

Yes, always deliver truth darts in CONTEXT: in response to something she says or does, as the timing is appropriate. Otherwise, it comes across as a tactic, or just a grand pronouncement.

[susana4]

Hang in there and don't make any rash decisions when you're still adjusting to meds. I'm felling much better now (around a week in) but I imagine it varies by person. Definitely don't decide anything now.

[Complex]

Yes, I gotta control myself. I feel anxiety which I have t had before. Like I'm on speed, but very weird. Pumped but tired and I don't like to talk to humans^^
Strange feeling.
Can someone translate what W said a while ago? I don't know if I should read into this at all but I think es h quote has s clear message, it just needs to be decrypted psychologically:
"You can't control me, even if you tried" (answer to me saying "I'm not trying to control you"
"Nothing I can say will make you trust me right now anyways".
Regarding the family/friends even if an organization they are in: "I don't wanna leave you alone, I'll come. I want to support you bc you are helping us"

Ok sht I shouldn't even be asking. I'll leave the house now and go surfing as long as it's bright out. But wow these fkn meds. Got heat rushes too.
I know my body very well..I took drugs when I was young, I know how this sht feels like. It's not severe but sth is going on and it's not very pleasant

I won't be able to hide my medication from W for ever either. I'm under her health plan. Should I tell her or let her find out herself?

[SM34]

There will be a lot projection going on. She doesn't believe herself even at this point, so she's turning it around on you and accusing you of not believing her. And we knows you are right to not believe her because she's lying about all of it. You will see more of this as she continues to try to convince herself that this is just how you are...and that is why the marriage failed. Not because of the real reason which is her actually starting another relationship while pretending to be married...no that isn't the reason...the reason is that she married someone who doesn't believe anything she says and doesn't trust her. Her new man trusts her (Which is not actually true because he now knows what she's capable of).

I suspect what is going on now is that OP is extremely insecure about her still living with you. He feels threatened because you and her have shared history and he has a few weeks with a cheating married woman. He's telling her there will be no relationship unless she moves out and so she is pretending to push for that so she can tell him she is trying but you won't cooperate.

She will try to maintain the status quo of her seeing him but also still being married and living there in case things backfire...she is enjoying the thrill of two men pursuing her which is why you need to pull out of that game.

She won't tell her family I don't think.. not soon anyway. Not without another game changer.

[Complex]

Thanks for the psychological breakdown. This is very important to understand IMO because we husbands are not capable of making these connections.

I agree OM for sure is insecure. I remember him asking her in a text if we still live together, like 2-3 months ago. She calls me roommate in their texts. But she tried to 'convince' him that it's over and it's ok to go with these feelings.
"Wanting to be my 'friend' comes with responsibilities" W told him and "we all make mistakes, so we are allowed to start all over, right?". He didn't really react but W also was like "it's going to be a friendly divorce, the most amicable of all" and he was like "they don't exist in my book".
Contact between them wasn't like crazy, but crossed the line big time.
But the worst for me was when she told her friend "I have to tell him
H found out, I want to do this right, my heart is in knots, I hope I dong lose him over this"..and friend just like "aw I'm so proud of you". As hurtful as it gets.

W and OM don't just only have few weeks together. They are long time work friends. Which for W is a much better R foundation than ours...

Ya I don't think she told family yet, but my mom is about to. Not sure if I can or want to stop her. No idea if there's any benefit tho. Right now W is patiently sitting out the renewal of my Greencard before she will make the next move. But I will wait sending it until couple weeks bf the deadline or so. Everything that buys me time is welcome right now.
But I mean what should I do right now other than keep detaching and get my own life on track if anything at all?? Guess it's ok to put this stress into W and OM relationship by stretching things? I'm getting better for sure and some changes are showing but it'll take a lot more time until I'm the person I really want to be.
If that will then include W I'm not so sure about anymore, that's up to her. But the time WILL come after I got my greencard when she's going to the next step. I know it. Nothing I can do/work towards that day is there? We are talking about 2 months..

[Complex]

One more thing: when we talked 2-3 weeks ago she told me "I'm not meeting OM outside of work, he even doesn't talk to me anymore, avoiding me at work (..) he's immature when it comes to relationships, way more than you"

Why the F did she tell me this?
It's been a while so no idea what the deal is right now. But what ev's. I'll do my thing. There's for sure still some confusion going on in W's head. Situation is way to crazy for that not to be the case.
She should get IC too, wouldn't hurt her.

[SM34]

The friend who is PROUD of your cheating wife is called the enabler. Those kinds of friends become the crisis persons best friend during times like these ..And they provide backing and full support when cheating person is in doubt.


W will become good friends with this "friend". Any friends she stops seeing are the ones that are not approving of her behavior.

[SM34]

But anyway let's leave this all alone for a while...

How was surfing? What have YOU been upto?

[Complex]

Surging was absolutely awesome! then I met with a friend. Today I'll go to the casino for fun.
But my anxiety is pretty bad. I hardly slept tonight. Feel like a zombie on speed.
Had talk with W too. She assured me she is not seeing this guy and that she never did outside of work. She played it down and I don't really trust her.
I feel the urge of snooping on her again. Feel like I need the validation if she is speaking the truth or not. I know it doesn't/shouldn't matter..I don't know...