I missed the last page or two in your post, but I think I'm feeling the same way as you right now and I'm trying to figure out what my reaction is and whether it's "good" or not. I feel like I need affection and intimacy, but don't feel comfortable doing anything other than desiring it. I'm not sure how to crack that feeling. I guess it's part of detaching, but I was out at dinner at a bar with some friends and every girl that walked in the door I was thinking to myself, is she available, wonder if she's my type, is she wearing a ring, etc. It got to the point I just wanted to leave because I couldn't get it off my mind.
I'm down to crying about every other day. It stinks because I feel like I've made progress, but I see that constant pull in both directions. I also see that this is one more thing I can empathize with my wife in her sitch over the last year and how she always felt "guilty" around me. She blamed it on me, of course, but I can now understand how a little piece of me is upset that I'm not going to pursue anyone else because I'm still committed to her. Not an overwhelming feeling, but it's small and there.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I'm sorry you are still hurting so much. I found that after facing every first. ( Xmas, bday, ect) that it does get easier. Recreating new memories so I'm not haunted by all the old ones helps me.
You are a healthy man. Do not feel bad for having desires. If at some point you do decide to D. It's those desires that will remind you that you are still alive and you will seek passion and love again.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
I think all of us have the same concerns about intimacy during this period of tribulation we are going through. I was ML with W more often than I can remember up until almost BD. Then no hugs no affection for two months now. BD didn't change my testosterone level so I still have major desires. I looked on a dating site just to see what I might think of some of the women. I wouldn't even consider dating someone now, not detached enough and who would date a man still in my situation. Only a home wrecker! I found I compared everyone to W in terms of looks, only one of a hundred or so interested me, most of the profiles scared me away. I've seen some attractive ladies out and about but no desire to talk to any of them. It's certainly normal to stil want intimacy, having a BD dropped on us doesn't make us creeps for still having desires.
I agree that is not a good time to pursue anyone at this juncture.
Jbird
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
I'm trying to work, yet I have in the back of my head this running list of reasons why WAW should come back. It's just there. I'm an involved and loving father, hard-working and successful, not so bad looking, a good lover, I cook, I'm willing to learn, I'm a family man, I exercise, I have a large network of friends, I got reasonable taste. I'm not an alcoholic, a gambler, a violent or lazy man.
Reading the LBW around here complain about the jerk moves of their WAH is disheartening. They cheat, get drunk, obsess about their work, neglect their kids and sit on their a$$es. Yet they have these articulate, patient and mature women pining for them while my WAW sees me as part of a past that she doesn't want think about.
Because I criticized and neglected her, that's why. And why not. It's a fair point. She was "miserable" after all. Any reason is good enough, for the WAW has no justification to provide and none that could satisfy the LBH anyway. We're free to come and go from our M and that's a fact. It can be because of one too many criticism or one overcooked asparagus. As 25yearsmlc is fond of repeating, there's no point in torturing ourselves with "why??"
Hey, voice in my head, I'm talking to you.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza we can not change the past we can only learn from it. You can keep beating yourself up over things you can't go back and change or you can learn and grow from it.
Sometimes I takes something big like a loss to make us take a look in the mirror and decide to make changes.
I can tell you in my first marriage it was too late for me. There was lots of warning before I got to the point of no return with my first H. When I did finally throw in the towel all of a sudden he wanted to change. The problem was though he's changes were to try and win me back rather than to actually reflect and truly change.
It took my first H. The loss of me and then his next serious relationship to take some time and really work on himself. After his fiancée broke up with him he called me and was crying. I told him this time change for you. Go back to the IC without wanting to win anybody back. Go back for you.
He did go back and is now a much happier person. He had a better relationship with our kids. He met and married someone that he has now been with for 15 yrs.
We are very different people and even our kids can't imagine us as a couple now. Lol We are though very friendly and attend all the kids ( adult kids now!) functions together. His Mother was just a dinner guest at my home for our eldest sons bday.
I believe when we are on the right path we know because things start falling into place and doors start opening. You are kinda stuck in a cross roads. Being in limbo is the worst. Once you start moving again you will be happier.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
I'm trying to work, yet I have in the back of my head this running list of reasons why WAW should come back. It's just there. I'm an involved and loving father, hard-working and successful, not so bad looking, a good lover, I cook, I'm willing to learn, I'm a family man, I exercise, I have a large network of friends, I got reasonable taste. I'm not an alcoholic, a gambler, a violent or lazy man.
Reading the LBW around here complain about the jerk moves of their WAH is disheartening. They cheat, get drunk, obsess about their work, neglect their kids and sit on their a$$es. Yet they have these articulate, patient and mature women pining for them while my WAW sees me as part of a past that she doesn't want think about.
Because I criticized and neglected her, that's why. And why not. It's a fair point. She was "miserable" after all. Any reason is good enough, for the WAW has no justification to provide and none that could satisfy the LBH anyway. We're free to come and go from our M and that's a fact. It can be because of one too many criticism or one overcooked asparagus. As 25yearsmlc is fond of repeating, there's no point in torturing ourselves with "why??"
Hey, voice in my head, I'm talking to you.
I could have written this so many times over the past few months.
although in some ways i might feel better if it was because i once overcooked asparagus.
the important thing is that we recognise we can only change things from this point forward, and i always get the impression that if your W stopped to look she would see that in you.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I often overcook Asparagus, especially on the grill. It gets rubbery but stringy and stuck in your teeth. I never liked vegetables, but I like them even less now that they've ruined my marriage. ________________________ Anyway, just the fact that we are on this board puts us in a different category. I know people wonder why I'm still in this after all that W has and continues to do to hurt me and the family. I had one friend say she was worried about my self esteem since I'm giving W benefit of the doubt all the time. I understand her point. However, I see that a most of us have a stable and high self esteem and understand the meaning of commitment and love and are willing to sacrifice a short duration in our lives to try and make things better in the future.
So when I'm down and feeling hopeless; I realize that sticking to my marriage is my decision which I can change at any point. I feel like a lot of us feel that our WAS are in a crisis and pushing away the folks that love them the most.
It was like the pastor said to me, we can't go through life comparing ourselves to other people and their decisions nor spend time fearing about how other's will feel when we are trying to do the right thing in life. Our time on the earth is short, so we should focus on what is right so when we are called to look back at our lives that we can be proud that we gave it everything we had for love.
Sorry for the religious post, but Mozza; you're an awesome person and you know that you're getting the short end of the stick. You're persevering in order to make a horrible situation the best it can be. As my mom has said to me (in classic motherly fashion) "MCS, many woman are praying everyday for someone like you. You're a good dad, a provider, a good person (add the rest of your paragraph here) The problem is that W became comfortable that everyone is like you. Unfortunately, she may realize that's not the case when its too late, but you can't be responsible for that"
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Mozza go to the midlife Crisis forum and read the post at the top of the forum on detaching by job and cadet. It is a great informative post. I've asked them to post the thread over here too.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts on dating. It's been on the mind of a few LBS around the 6-month mark, including MCS, Zues and jim0987. I find it a very good use of these boards to talk to other men who are thinking about this. None of my friends are recently separated like we are, so I don't get that perspective in real life. Of course, I also appreciate the input of women.
As I explore the reasons behind my reaction to my WAW's departure (standing long after ILYBINILWY), I decided to approach and flirt with women. Could it be that I want WAW back because she's the only woman-of-quality I believe I can have? Would she hold the comparison if I were to meet someone else that attracts me? I've read around here that seeking other women is a sign of insecurity, but it seems to me that wanting our WAW back can also be such as sign, even if we hide it behind principles. Or will I realize that I want her back not because of my insecurities but truly because of who she is and what we have? That I feel I can have many compatible women, but she is the one that I want?
Last week, when I had this good interaction with a woman who seemed interested and handed me a piece of paper on which I wrote my phone number (she never called - lesson: ask for her number next time!), it gave me a new perspective on my sitch. I was more detached. It happened the day before I met WAW for lunch and I think it helped me to stay cool. I'm still trying to figure out what that means.
I might come across as a womanizer here, but it would be a surprise to most people who know me. I'm facing my fears when reaching out to any woman. Maybe I'm playing with fire. I envision these things taking months, as I slowly build up confidence, learn from my experience, learn about me and how I related to women, what it means for my M, how I can assess my WAW more objectively as a potential partner, etc. But maybe I'll end up in bed with someone in a couple of days, caught at my own game and regretful.
GAL Report | I dropped off the kids Friday morning, so it's my week alone. Friday, I met with a newish friend at a café to chat and work on our laptops. In the evening, I went shopping with a friend who rarely shops and we had dinner in town. On the way back home, I decided to stop at a local bar. I was afraid of going alone, but they had some entertainment and I had a good time. I had some good interactions with the staff, including one who gave me her schedule and invited me back when she's there.
I don't know what I'll do for the rest of the week-end, and I like that.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
