Complex #4 - D talk started / Detaching continues

[Complex]

That's a tough one to be honest. I'm fine in general, I know she's gone, but if she'd be constantly lying to me while we still live together, that's crossing my boundaries. I don't think I can accept that.
So if my W is living with me, going out to see OM and lying about it..something I'd have to think about if I can accept that and what I should do about it (for myself). I don't know if that's a feeling of me being controlling at this point or just plain madness. Everyone I know would not accept this and kick her out/move out and go viral. I just wish I'd know where I'm at. This guessing game is very unhealthy for me GAL and detaching. Can't afford an apartment right now tho.

I feel really anxious today, must be the meds. I slept horribly bad too. I feel like weeks ago...I really have to hold myself back not getting into any discussions with W while the meds throw me back like this.
Thanks guys for the support.

[Starsky309]

Well...how do I deal with W leaving the house to go somewhere (at night). She doesn't look like 1000$ but hair is done, makeup on, which a while ago wasn't that usual.

So when she just left I gave her a look and said have fun, but more in a "where are you going?" tone...
Then she explained to me where she is actually going (true or not). Old work friend in town, few ppl going. Blabla. This sht makes me mad, true or not.
I obviously have trust and controlling issues still.
Should I rather be uplifting and say have fun? Say nothing? Or let her know I don't agree with what she's doing (which is an assumption, and will make her mad if I'm wrong)?
And does it make sense to apologize for making her justify herself?

I appreciate your input on this...Starsky and others

In my sitch, I looked at her and said "I certainly hope you're not going out to meet your boyfriend (this was on the 4th of July, after taking our boys for fireworks... a family tradition was always to come home afterwards and shoot off our own together as a family, but she was getting dressed to blow this off and head out); that would be really disrespectful to me and the boys." She told me she was going to a party, and he would NOT be there, and I said "I wish I could believe that. Please be safe."

But I ONLY did that because my intel told me that she WAS, in fact, meeting her OM. I would never recommend "flying blind" on a statement like that, as you'd look like a controlling fool if you were wrong.


Starsky

[DaddyLongShanks]

Well...how do I deal with W leaving the house to go somewhere (at night). She doesn't look like 1000$ but hair is done, makeup on, which a while ago wasn't that usual.

So when she just left I gave her a look and said have fun, but more in a "where are you going?" tone...
Then she explained to me where she is actually going (true or not). Old work friend in town, few ppl going. Blabla. This sht makes me mad, true or not.
I obviously have trust and controlling issues still.
Should I rather be uplifting and say have fun? Say nothing? Or let her know I don't agree with what she's doing (which is an assumption, and will make her mad if I'm wrong)?
And does it make sense to apologize for making her justify herself?

I appreciate your input on this...Starsky and others

In my sitch, I looked at her and said "I certainly hope you're not going out to meet your boyfriend (this was on the 4th of July, after taking our boys for fireworks... a family tradition was always to come home afterwards and shoot off our own together as a family, but she was getting dressed to blow this off and head out); that would be really disrespectful to me and the boys." She told me she was going to a party, and he would NOT be there, and I said "I wish I could believe that. Please be safe."

But I ONLY did that because my intel told me that she WAS, in fact, meeting her OM. I would never recommend "flying blind" on a statement like that, as you'd look like a controlling fool if you were wrong.


Starsky

After that did you care if she participated in events with you or not?

[Complex]

Oh man, I'm not in a good state of mind today.

Why did W spend 15 minutes in the bathroom after she came back yesterday night? (She was only out for 3h, including driving that's not very long). And why are there no bra's or underwear in the hamper from yesterday?
And I saw she also bought new underwear.
This stinks...something must be going on or she is just getting prepared for single life, taking better care of herself and spending the money that she soon has to spend on attorney fees and me. Either way, this is BS...or these meds are kicking in. Susana had the same issues big time. Another day another challenge.
But right now I feel determined to find out if EA went PA. This would feel like a game changer. Although EAs of women are probably even worse since emotions for them is what sex is for us...I don't know why I'm still kind of convinced that she wouldn't go physical while she's still married, but maybe she threw her morals over board, I know how that feels like, been there! Only good thing about that would be that her A is infatuated and not likely to last.

I need some serious GAL activities for today but my energy level is lowest since a few weeks and my mind is all over...not good

[Complex]

Ya Starsky, you are very right. If I am just guessing I'll just come across as a controlling, desperate freak.
But at this point I have no evidence of whatsoever. She encrypted her iphone backup and changed her passcode a while ago. I have no way of finding things out at the moment. So I have to hold myself back...which I have to do big time anyway.
If I'm in the state that I'm in right now I clearly better go out of her way.

[Starsky309]

Complex,

I'm sorry you're reeling. This is rough stuff, to be sure.

I'd like to get you to just prepare your heart that this has most likely gone physical, and probably not just recently. Most men do not stick around in EAs for 8 months without "a little somethin'" and at some point, if she hasn't already, your wife is going to give in to that if she's still not committed to the marriage.

Rather than make yourself crazy, I would encourage you to just operate from a position of she's already having a PA, and act accordingly. Because A), all the reasons above, and B) EAs -- esp. long-term ones -- are stronger for a woman than a PA anyway, in most cases.

If you REALLY have to know, I guess you could just hire a PI.


Starsky

[Ontheup]

hey complex

I agree with Starsky. I think you need to just accept the reality is she is probably sleeping with him. My wife was same, new underwear appeared it was just more confirmation of what I already knew. It makes little difference. For a woman the physical is just an extension of the EA. Women sleep with a man when they are emotionally connected.
You need to push it out of your mind. It will drive you crazy if you don't.
If you want to know then you could find out but do you really want to see/hear your wife with another man? I certainly don't. I know enough already.

[Complex]

I should listen to the vets. But putting the pieces together it could be either way.
Schedule doesn't allow that they even see much. Only time possible is like once a week when she meets "friends for dinner" which usually never lasts longer than 3-4h including driving. Not her style to go for a quickie and come back. Plus I know some of them and they know me, so I could easily ask someone which would make it very risky for her.
New underwear still has the tags on^^
Plus: I know for a fact OM didn't make any moves on her (at least at the time whee I snooped), even turned down dinner invitations from her.
But like I said, if it is a PA, so be it, bc it'll proof that it's pretty infatuated.
Either way I should assume it's there and act accordingly. If it's not its ok too.

If she is really that perfectly sneaky, I'll pull my hat (been there done that myself) but also most likely pull the cord of my parachute and get the hell out of this M knowing I definitely married the wrong person.

[Sotto]

Hi Complex....who knows, and best not to focus on it too much. Let's see a post all about you and what your GAL plans are...

[HeavyD]

If there is new underwear involced, it is physical. I am sorry to have to tell you this. I had the same situation and it made me sick to my stomach.