To be on the safe side, get him a very simple Valentine's Card. Nothing overly mushy. As for a gift, I wouldn't do it unless you feel the need to get him something simple, like a tie or a good book.
If he gets you something, just say thank you. You don't need to make this any harder for yourself than necessary. Keep things simple.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Plan will be to ONLY give to him IF he gets me a gift/card, not being childish...but I dont want him to feel any kind of pressure if I give him gift and card and he had nothing for me.
And I don't want to acknowledge this day with him at this point anyway...but if he does I can be ready
I have NO expectations and will be VERY surprised.
I will try to get cuff links (not expensive) but will not go out of my way,,,a card I can get for .99
Thanks
Dang it,,,I thought I had this ALLLLL planned out!!!
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Just my .02 I'm not sure on where w will come down on cards etc this year (we did nice birthday and christmas cards, some days we talk, chat and email more than pre-bd sometimes zero contact - argh), so I got a very simple non-mushy (not an easy task) card and will post through the door this week. None of my normal comments etc written in it, nothing pursuing (suppose the card is a little) just an acknowledgement really.
I'm not however expecting to receive one, that would be nice but I don't expect it or will be disappointed if I don't get one.
Edz
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
So my H keeps everything, never wants to donate or throw out anything..the only time he has donated or thrown out anything since we been together has been after I've begged him to make room!
I discovered this is because he was very poor as a child and did not have much, wore hand me downs etc..so I backed off years back and would just deal with all his stuff everywhere.. but at times when there was no more room I would gently ask him to donate or throw away
Yesterday he stood staring into our spare room closet and declared he would be getting rid of ALOT of this stuff..
Could this be him "working" on/thru some childhood issues? And or just another loop on the MLC rollercoaster?
Just cause I'm curious...what do you guys think?
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I do not think he's working on/thru a childhood issue or a loop on the coaster. I think he's genuinely trying to clean up and sees that there is no more room at the inn for additional stuff. Maybe as a good will gesture he's opted to clean up a bit before you say something again. Maybe he's planning to purchase some new stuff. No one truly knows what goes through their minds...but be thankful he's getting ready to clean up.
You are watching the pot too closely and it will never boil when you do that. Keep the focus on you and your son.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Is my H worth all this? Do I really want this M to continue?
The way my H is now..NO I don't. The way my H was years ago even before BD ..YES
I realize long before BD we had issues in our R or M, issues that were never addressed.
I know I would and am doing what I can...but I dont think my H will ever really wake up and WORK on himself and or our M...
So I kinda wonder if I'm just marking time,,,waiting until H decides to leave on his own and or our S14 graduates HS.
I do know I'm loving myself way more then I have in a very very long time, I'm smiling more, laughing more and I'm LOVING the better person I am.
Got up this morning and spent extra time on my hair, put on my "expensive" parfume...it's really the little things.
TGIF
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Is my H worth all this? Do I really want this M to continue?
Sorry, have been gone on a work trip the last 16 days....
That is only a question you can answer. But its an answer you need to FULLY explore. much like mentioned in DR "the Divorce Trap". That a belief that all problems are solved with a D, when it actually causes many new layers of complexity.
I would suggest a refresher on that chapter.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
H worked few hours over last night,,came home got directly in bed..
When I got up this morning, on kitchen table was a box of chocolates (not in a heart box or a vday box) and a Reggae CD (one I had mention to H a couple weeks ago). There was a note that said "please dont do anything for me" ,,,I was like WTF
Then I started mind reading,,is he getting me something out of guilt and therefore does not want me to get him anything which would only add to his guilt...
SOOO I wanted to scream cuss and throw that crap in trash and flip his note over and say F YOU.
Instead I got dressed, left the snack bag I made for s14 and H on the table, Also put the card I got for H in his snack bag, with notes that said Happy Vday on the snack bags...
Went out and did some quick window shopping and got me a coffee (needed to be out of the house for a min),,,H had left before me to go get his medicine.
I get back and H is getting ready for work,,,Im watching movie and drinking my coffee, before that he is asking me questions I answer short and move on,,,
H comes in room ask me what's wrong,,,I tell him nothing,,he tells me he can tell something is wrong,,,I stare straight into his eyes (look of death) and tell him to give me a moment just leave me alone...H goes back upstairs...
I needed to get that out, to let him know today Im not OK, but not go into details (he should already know),,,but it felt good to direct that energy to him, to let him know instead of holding it in and ruin my whole day...I feel like I did it without emotions and not in a really mean way,,,I ask for what I needed right then was a moment, I was not in the mood for his "general" talk about anything...
I was able to totally let it go, S14 was very excited about his snack bag, and we were LOL and talking about the weather..I did not direct my feelings toward my s14.
Later before H left for work, he comes into room and gives me a kiss on lips and tells me again thanks for the snack bag.
I felt like wiping that kiss off my lips right in his face...but I took the high road,,being mean is not going to help anything...
NO matter what happens H and I need to be friends to be civil and raise our s14 together rather M or D.
SOOOO...why give me anything for Vday...no card, no actual things in vday wrapping...but why anything...nothing that says I love you, so why even do anything...
I can only think its "guilt"? Or just trying to maintain the peace in the home.
WHATEVER...
Oh last week,,H slipped and called me "babe" when usually he goes out of his way to not have to really call me anything at all...we both looked shocked when that slipped out...
SO I was on a down roller coaster hill this morning, but I did want I needed at that time to NOT fall apart.
Wounded...I will reread that chapter ,,,but not today or tomorrow,,I need a break again...
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, It's not the gifts that count...but the thoughts that count. He did get you something and even if they weren't wrapped in Valentine's paper, the chocolates were the same no matter what and they will taste good whether they are wrapped appropriately or not. The CD is one that you wanted and you will enjoy it and had they been wrapped, the paper would have been trashed and an after thought tomorrow.
I'm going to be realistic and possibly harsh w/my next comments, but you can't have it both ways. Had he not gotten you anything, you would have been in a funk and questioning everything and yet, you did receive something and you are still questioning and appear to be in a little bit of a funk. Be thankful you got anything! There are many who won't receive anything today.
As for his comment about not getting him anything, yes, he possibly does feel guilty about a lot of things, i.e., his behavior and not being there 100% as a dad and a husband. You've got to "shake off" the comment and go on about your business.
Both your h and your son appreciated their snack bags and that's what counts.
Just remember...there is no rhyme or reason for what they do...but if they do something nice, say "thank you" and then let it go.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
