Oh, honey... I'm so sorry. I know it stings and feels like rejection... and well... I know how THAT feels right now! BUT. WAIT! I don't think it is as bad as you think. I really don't!
I think they see your talent and like you, so they need to find the right fit for you. They want to utilize your talents to the fullest extent. They know you have them, so they are looking to guide you to use them!
Heather, I know it feels like a set back, but this could be what is in store for you. Where you were supposed to go. I know some things fit. Some things feel right with you being there. Now, they are willing to help you figure out another piece- your job, to be the right fit.
It's OK! You can do this. And, what's the worst that could happen? This hurts and is so uncomfortable right now. I get it. And the feeling of nothing solid to hold on to... ugh. To feel like you are trying to take on the world alone... But, Heather- you have been doing it. And you have grown so much. So, if this doesn't work out... well.... that just means you aren't there yet- you haven't found exactly where you will excel to be the best you... the happiest and most fulfilled you!
This could be the best thing that has happened at this job. AND! You still have one! It's ok to ask questions. To ensure you are doing what they want. That you are reaching their goal with them. I think job said to reiterate what they are saying while still in the meeting.
There is someone whom I work with now, who is in a boss-like position. And, in meetings, what she says is, "So what I'm hearing is......"
She usually does this after listening to everyone kind of go off, complain, talk, brainstorm, whatever. But, she always clarifies at the end, to ensure she understands and everyone is on the same page. Just a suggestion.
This could be such a positive, Heather. Let go of the rejection and fear. They are not rejecting you. I see some good things that they are saying to you. Maybe you could reread and only highlight the positives. Things that you looked at with a sensitive eye (I know what that feels like).
Now, with d12... Wonka may be on to something. Maybe she does not want a schedule like that... but maybe that's what she needs right now? I will be honest, I don't know the particulars of the situation, but I am just thinking that something may need to change with this.
I can tell you schools are better equipped to handle an array of personalities and challenges. Your d isn't necessarily going to be put in special ed, however, don't not do it because of a misconceived, old-school connotation. It could be an amazing place for her. Someplace she thrives and has fun. Meets new friends and people. It would be an adjustment, but... she has been adjusting for quite some time now.
It may be something to consider, Heather. I do think that there would be a lot of benefits. And, there may be some after school clubs or activities for her, too. And, it would save you $ from having to pay for some of those activities. And, can you imagine the burden it would lift from you.
Homeschooling is a huge task to take on. And, really, can you do that right now? If you could take that all off your plate, and know that d12 was in a safe place with people who have her best interest at heart, where she will meet new people and friends and participate in activities, and you could focus on you and your job! Then, your time with d12 will be like a whole different r!
I don't know. I have to be honest; I'm not sure all the details, but something has got to give.
I broached the subject of attending public school to D12. She yelled, curled into a fetal position and hid her head for a few minutes before heading upstairs to her room.
I was very gentle. I just asked if maybe it would be better, so she could make some friends. I will leave her alone for a bit.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Just be the strong lady we all have seen and you will do well.
I agree with all the comments to getting your daughter into the school system. I believe it will do your daughter a lot of good, but may be painful at first. Isolation can be the worst thing for kids who have obstacles to overcome like your daughter. It will be hard for you as her mother to not protect your daughter, but remember the negative results that can happen because of over protective parents who allow their children to gradually withdraw from society.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Heather, Dress smartly, hold your head up high, back straight, put a smile on your face and take your paperwork with you, as well as a note pad to take notes. Be sure to ask questions. Try to remember to repeat back to the team what you've heard to ensure that you and the team are on the same page.
This may be a golden opportunity for you because you may not have as many assignments and can actually relax a bit w/o someone looking over your shoulder 24/7. Keep looking at the glass as half full, not half empty.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I look at that list they prepared and...do I just say, "Yup, I can do it." Or. Am I honest and let them know that I think their expectations are a bit unrealistic?
D12 admitted to me last night that she is ready to try school. But, she is scared...Me too.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
No, you do not admit that you are tired. That looks like an excuse to them.
You have to be honest w/them when it comes to their expectations and what you can actually do. Don't agree to take on work if you can't handle it. They would rather you be honest about what you can and can't do then to hear you say I can do it and then not be able to live up to what you said you could do. You discuss work and nothing more.
I'm glad your daughter wants to try school. Sure, she's scared, but I know she can do this. If it doesn't work out, you can remove her from the school, but you've got to try it. She needs social and human interactions daily.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
They are expecting me to do everything on that list.
Is it appropriate to ask?.."So, if I fulfill these obligations...for such-and-such a time...when can I expect some help in the form of a reporter on staff?"
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
No, you state that you need help in the way of reporters and staff in order to fulfill everything on that list in a successful manner. You can't do all of that by yourself. Do not try to put yourself in a hole by agreeing to fulfill that entire list. That's what sets you up to fail. Be honest with them and YOURSELF that you can't do all of this solo. You are not super woman and I can guarantee you that no one else can do all of that stuff by themselves each week either.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So, it's ok to admit I've been overwhelmed. I know they will bring up mistakes I've made and I've made some...Can I chalk that up to being overwhelmed? I don't want to dwell on the mistakes, I'd rather get a clear sense of what's ahead.
I know perf. editor will try to corner me into focusing on the mistakes. He wants me out.
Part of me thinks they are only having this meeting because they pity me. I need to let that go.
If they say...well, the job IS this list. Then? Am I honest? I can't do all that.
There are two editors on staff who HAVE accomplished all on those lists. There are reporters who do it and manage small papers because jobs are so scarce. The editor who hired me is planning to show me a paper he wrote single-handedly...I'm not sure I can keep this up. I KNOW I CAN'T KEEP THIS UP.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
You can admit that you've been overwhelmed in learning the ins and outs of a paper and trying to learn the writing styles as well. If they point out your mistakes, own them and tell them and tell them you will attempt to do better. You may not want to dwell on the mistakes, but you will have to listen to what they have to say and then you can state your opinions.
As for the perf. editor, you really do give him entirely too much head space. He's nothing more than a human being attempting to get a paper out that is error free. Stop allowing him to put you in a vulnerable position.
You are mind reading about why they are having this meeting. They are having this meeting because you are not performing at full speed and they need to figure out what or how to get you to that level of work. Your resume and interview came across that you could do this stuff and you wowed them at that time and now you aren't performing to their level of expectations, so they need to find you a good place on the paper because they know you relocated to come there to work on the paper.
Yes, be honest and stop trying to placate them w/answers that they want to hear. You already know that you can't do it all, so why tell them otherwise. The others that have done all of those tasks probably had been working for papers for years...you are fresh off the boat of being a stay at home mom and homeschool teacher. Those careers are totally different from being in the world of work and papers.
So what if the editor is planning to show you a paper that he worked on. He's trying to help you by showing you the paper and what he did. Instead of always thinking that people are trying to get at you, start looking at them as trying to provide you guidance and assistance. They have tried to work with you since you got there and are still trying to be patient and help you find a proper niche. They see potential, but they don't know how to tap into it. Listen to what they have to say, write down things and don't walk away thinking the entire meeting was negative.
Do not offer to resign. You've got this paper covered, you need some help and even if it means transferring you to another part of the paper...go for it.
Now, go to the meeting and stay positive.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Heather, I've been thinking of you this morning. Job has given you some great advice. Keep your head up. Any points I would like to make has already been covered by job. I totally agree.
And with d12 condisering school... well, it could be that things may be starting to fall into place. Look at this whole thing as a positive. To help you get things under control. To help get you settled and happy.
You've got to stop this negative thinking. Re-read Job's most recent post on preparing for your meeting.
It is nothing to do with "inability", but more to do with time management and unwillingness to let go of homeschooling. I think it's time for D12 to transition to a public school as a part of the preparations for entering adulthood. Furthermore, it will solve the ongoing problem of trying to be an editor and worrying about who will look after D12.
Be smart about this, Heather.
Tackle this new challenge head on following Job's guidance in her recent post and work on getting D12 enrolled in public school.
After you've met with the newspaper folks, it is VERY STRONGLY recommended that you not post in the DB forums until after 5:00 pm (or 6, depending on your work day) as this job requires your undivided attention.
You're allowing yourself to be distracted with posting DB during the day and your work suffers. Obviously you need to prioritize your focus.
You are a very capable woman. The trouble is where you put your attention where it don't belong during your work days...especially when one's an editor.
I’ve never posted to you before, but I think I might have something of value to add in this situation, possibly from the viewpoint of the other people in your meeting today.
In my career, I’ve been in positions where I’ve managed many teams of people, and I have been in the position of having to deliver difficult feedback probably close to a hundred times. Let me assure you, this really is an opportunity for you.
First of all, I know you are dreading this meeting and I can promise you the other participants aren’t looking forward to it either. They’re human too, and these conversations aren’t easy to have. So, first piece of advice, you don’t have to be a pushover, you don’t have to grovel, but do be gracious. Trust me, they will appreciate it.
When people are facing your situation they tend to react in the following ways:
1. Commonly they get defensive and develop a chip on their shoulder. They make excuses for why they can’t do better and find other people to blame. They resent you for delivering the message and let you know it in a thousand ways. Sometimes their work improves, mostly not, and they usually end up going elsewhere, voluntarily or not.
2. They take the feedback grudgingly and do what you ask, but resent you, they will continue to have other problems in their work and rarely move up.
3. They take the feedback grudgingly, improve their work and later admit you might have had a point.
4. They are crushed by your feedback and kill themselves trying to improve. The next time a problem comes up, you dread addressing it with them because of their reaction.
5. They are grateful for the feedback, really try to improve, check in with you to make sure they are meeting expectations and grow. The next time you have to address their work, you trust that they will be willing to partner with you to make this better.
Heather, the people in category 5, are very rare indeed. I can think of maybe 2 or 3 in my career. And they were worth their weight in adamantium. The ability to hear a hard message, take it to heart and then turn it around to meet and eventually exceed expectations, is very special. You have the opportunity here to show that you are one of those people. I’ve read a lot of your threads and I know you can do it!
I know it’s hard. I try to follow my own advice, but when you hear you aren’t doing the job you’re supposed to….well it stings. But you can choose how to react to it.
15 years ago, I had a woman who reported to me who was fantastic at her data entry type job. She wanted desperately to move into management, and I had to tell her that wouldn’t happen because her communications to managers were sometimes embarrassing, filled with slang and basically on the level of ten year old girls passing notes in class (I was a lot more tactful, of course). It was hard and embarrassing for her to hear. I offered to help her. She seemed defeated at first. But the next day, she thanked me for telling her the truth about what needed to change and she busted her a** to make it so. She took me up on my offer of help, and came to me for feedback and advice about how to word things, she got a bunch of books on business writing, she checked in frequently to measure progress. And of course, she ended up with that well deserved promotion. Subsequently, I gave her a lot of challenging projects which were great learning opportunities, because I trusted her to deal with them in the same mature way. From what they wrote to you, my opinion is that this is not the end. They are giving you the opportunity to make something better. Grab It!
I’m not going to wish you luck, because that would imply you don’t have any control here, and you do.
Heather, Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get off that darn pity pot and show these people you can rise from the ashes. Whatever you do, don't make promises that you can't keep. Be upfront and honest about what you can and can't do. They will appreciate your honesty more than promises that are consistently broken.
You can't do both, i.e., work a paying job and homeschooling. It's evident that you can't do this, so you now have to do something about it. You are off next Wednesday, correct? Then you need to call next week (Tuesday, since Monday is a holiday) and make an appointment to meet w/someone at the Board of Education and discuss enrolling your daughter into school. You are doing your daughter a grave disservice by not enrolling her in school. I believe she would enjoy having activities and homework to keep her busy. She's very lonely being at home and the only contact she has is with you.
She's at the age where she needs to be being preparing for life in the real world. You aren't going to be around forever and now is the proper time to start preparing her.
You are only one person and I honestly don't know how you thought you could do it all. But, the bottom line is YOU CAN'T!
If you are reading this posting, then you need to listen very closely...I do not want to see you on this forum until after work hours this evening. Your focus has to be on your paying job. The people on this forum will be right here this evening to check on you and we aren't going anywhere in the meantime.
Keep the focus on your job!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
raliced--Will you marry me? I have 2 girls who are older and I sure could help you raise them while you come work for me and allow me the chance to use vocabulary with you.
Heather, this is SO right on. I'm almost peeing in my pants excited - this is how true all of this is. I had to have a conversation like this with a supplier today. It was hard - I don't like calling people out, but it is part of business to protect my assets, people, clients and my own livelihood. Let me tell you, it went well. The supplier took my criticism as constructive, and when I told her what I need and expect in a supplier, she said she'd do better. I'm trying to do business, and I need to make sure that we are all professionals and treat business as sacred.
This is the first--and probably last--time I'll ever propose. Online. To a woman. I guess it's Friday the 13th so anything goes?
Good luck, Heather. You can be #5. I personally would like #4 just fine, and the occasional #3 isn't so bad. But the people that stand out to employers are definitely the fives.
If I might add one more thing - just for understanding. It's hard to be in the boss' shoes. I don't enjoy these conversations at all. So know when you sit down they are as disadvantaged as you with the discomfort level. Growth takes place through change. If we stop changing, we stop growing. It *is* a learning opportunity.
Good luck- Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Heather think of trying to juggle two or three balls. Many can learn how to do that. Add another ball and most will start dropping the balls. You are asking too much of yourself. If you have too many things that need your focus you will not be able to do them all well. Focus on your job.
If your daughter goes to school now she will go with a good foundation from the home schooling. Public school will teach her how to interact with her peers and prepare her for life. You will still be needed to help her with her homework.
I used to try and be super woman too. Now I live a much more balanced life and feel happier because of it. Be a friend to yourself and treat yourself with compassion and kindness. ((Hugs))
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
I was thoroughly chewed out. And, the publisher said he wanted to fire me last week, but the two editors (including the perf. editor) convinced him to make a list of expectations and meet as a team.
Human resources lady was there. I really like her.
I don't know how well I handled it. ??? I owned the mistakes and I was a little surprised at the things that upset the publisher. They were things I hadn't noticed/didn't realize...IDK.
I talked to the superintendent about enrolling D12. Waiting on a call back from the woman who creates the IEPs.
Can I do this?
I feel like an alcoholic...looking at the rest of my life and wondering how I will get through each day without a drink. Am I able to be a grown up person and get my job done the way they want?
Talked to my mom. Probably not the best idea. But, she was actually supportive...except...when I told her the above she said, "God, I hope so."
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, You now are aware of what the publisher's expectations are. Here you thought the perfectionist wasn't in your court, looks to me like both editors see potential and want to keep you on. The reason the human resources lady was there was because they are putting you on notice and want to document what has been discussed today. This is your wake up call.
Now, on to D12. Hopefully this school subject can be put the rest rather quickly and your D12 can attend school. This is a huge step in the right direction for your daughter and not only will she be busy and learn, but it will relieve some of the stressors that you have about her being alone.
YES, YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!
Your mom is being supportive and that's great. Now, it's one day at a time and you can do the job...if your editors didn't think you could, you would have gotten your walking papers. You've got people in your court who want to see you succeed, but in order to do that....you have to want to succeed yourself.
YOU CAN DO THIS! However, you will need to leave all of your personal baggage at home and this forum has to be put on hold when you are working. You get too easily distracted and caught up in other stuff that causes you to lose focus. Your job is on the line and it's far more important that you be gainfully employed than offering up support and/or advice on this forum throughout the day. The forum will be here at the end of the day if you want to check in. Also, you need to limit the amount of time you come here during your free time. Posting here takes up a lot of your time, time that you need to be utilizing to take care of things around your home and being there for your D12. Yes, I know, you feel the need to come here...but you do have a life out there and one that requires your full attention right now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Heather. I wanted to just share some thoughts, if I may.
I think that you still allow those thoughts of you being less than, not good enough in and that is making you doubt yourself all over the place.
The truth is that you have accomplished so much...all on your own. You found a job in your field,moved across the country, found a place to live, got a car, got your daughter settled and put out several newsapapers. That is a helluva lot of stuff. Give yourself a break.
I really wanted to talk with you about your daughter. I have worked in special education for many years. Schools have changed a great deal in their approach to children with special needs.
Their approach now is as much inclusion as possible. Your daughter is really high on the spectrum scale. I would be very surprised if she isnt mainstreamed for most of the day.
I believe that she would gain way more being in a school then being homeschooled at this point. Just the socialization alone would be such a positive. For her and for you.
I know that you are very protective of her. I understand that. You actually have a very strong voice in determining what you want for her.
YOu do have to be her advocate when meeting with them. But you also have to get rid of the preconcieved notions you have regarding where they put her.
If it is a good school system, they will want her to succeed. And there are many different classes and programs that they could offer. With an IEP, things can get tweaked.
I really do think this would be such a positive for both of you. She is at an age where peer interaction is so important and you just cant provide that.
So, write everything down that you want to discuss with the school. Be open minded. Most importantly, show your daughter that you are excited at the possibilities for her. She will be watching your reactions and will feed off of what she thinks you are feeling.
Heather, you need to be careful that you do not build such a huge wall around your daughter that, when it collapses, it does so in a spectacular and maybe tragic way. Be your daughters advocate, but give her the gentle pushes she needs in order to grow in a healthy way. Its can be hard to see that when you are trying to be helpful, that you may actually be causing harm.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
The enemy thrives off of my doubt, my fear and off of my anxiety. In order for him to hold me captive, he will make sure to have someone feed me criticism and stress. If he doesn't have anyone to feed me the criticism, he will have me feed it to myself.
Calming down.
I will respond to the email from my atty. I will ask for a bill showing how much I've paid and how much I owe.
I will let him know that I will be terminated from my job if I go to Ohio this week. I can supply a letter backing this up.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Send your lawyer an email this morning and advise him that because of the situation w/your job that you are not going to be there on Tuesday. How is the weather situation there? Still getting snow?
Also, advise him that you have not received a support payment for February. Are you suppose to receive them the 1st or the last of the month?
You may have to end up sending a SOS to your mom and borrowing some money to pay your bills, including your lawyer's.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I will ask my atty for some idea of when I can expect support for February and the payment of the amount owed since September.
When I've asked this question, he says he doesn't know. Is this reasonable?
After all this is done, I will have Smokey castrated and tarred and feathered in the public square of our hometown. I will spray paint "Bastard" on his naked body.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I would most certainly ask again and tell him that you can't pay him until you've received the support money. That you are in the hole in all areas of your life because you have been trying to pay child expenses on your salary and that your spouse hasn't coughed up his share of the child expenses for D12.
If he says he doesn't know, then tell him to find out. He should have some idea by now as to when you can expect some money to help support your child.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I was told last week that my job is on the line by the publisher of the company. I can provide documentation if necessary.
I have not received any support for Feb. I received $500 for Jan. on Feb. 4. At that point, my car payment was 3 months behind and I owe February rent along with late fees of $225 on rent.
I would like an itemized bill showing what I've paid in atty fees along with how much I still owe. I wish I could make a payment at this time. I can let you know what I'm able to do after I see what I've paid and what I owe.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I'm going to make sure the company is aware of this...I'm going to somehow send the human resources lady this info...She is really nice and has been through a divorce.
I won't dwell on it, but I want it documented that I'm still waiting on consistent support, have pressure to return to Ohio for mediation and hearings, struggling to pay bills, etc...
I've been digesting the meeting yesterday.
They really want me to succeed. I can see that. And, I think...no, I know...that had I told them all that's going on with support and needing help, etc...they would have risen to the occasion to help. I've been trying to go it alone.
Still, the words the publisher said when he vented are ringing in my ears.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I need to tune those words out. Focus. Heather. Focus.
I need to put this divorce b.s. on a back burner. It's consumed me again this past month with money worries and support issues and anger at the situation. I get off track...
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Actually, you should go thru your chain of command and cc the Human Resources lady. You should advise your boss that you are being put on the spot about returning to OH for mediation/hearings and that you are very much aware of the position that you are in at this time.
You do not need to share w/them about your bills and how late you are in paying them.
Yes, your fellow co-workers do want to see you succeed. As for the comments by the publisher, he doesn't sugar coat what is on his mind and that's why you need to find a way to put y our personal baggage to the side when you are on the job.
Now, I know you don't want to do this, but you need to contact your mother and see if she'll help you out w/bringing your payments up to date. You are going to lose the car if you are three months in owing on it. The late interest charges are eating your pay check up.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I won't share about the bills. But, I will share the document showing when the judge finally made a judgement on the child support and showing that I haven't it consistently, etc...
Ok. I can handle this.
The DEVIL is a big fat liar.
Keep building where I'm going.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Why would you need to share w/your company when the judge finally made a judgment on child support? This doesn't concern them, i.e., this is your personal business. However, if you have to go to Ohio then yes, they need to know about it as soon as possible.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
When I hired my lawyer, I got an itemized listing each month showing the dates, what type of work, the dollar amount for said work and a running tally of what I had paid and owed. You should ask your attorney for this information. It should be readily available and sent to you on a monthly basis. At least that way, you can see what you are paying for.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I just looked up individuals who were fired and used the situation to reach their potential. Not saying I'm getting fired...but, showing there are lots of successful people who have been dealt bad cards.
God must want me to have some thick skin at the end of all of this.
Why me? Not in the sense that Why Me as in poor me...but, why me? in the sense that I'm this introvert who would be perfectly happy as a sheep farmer. Why am I being pushed to to all this standing up for myself and crap and speaking up and dealing with public...he!! just dealing with one person a day is a big deal for me?? I don't get it.
God keeps putting Eleanor Roosevelt's name in my head. I know she was very shy and forced to push through it.
I see where I'm coming from with wanting to share the details with the company. When I received the atty email this morning...it was like..."SEE!! Holy shid. SEE! What I've been dealing with??"
I felt this validation that I'm not crazy or lazy and I really am trying, but keeping facing these ridiculous obstacles.
I'm not a victim. God must have something awesome in store to push this shy, insecure person through all this.
A weaver. That's where I should be...I should be weaving on a loom. A newspaper editor? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Okay, you've calmed down and are feeling a bit better. So, let's move on to today. What are your plans for today? Are you cleaning your home, running errands, grocery shopping, reading a good book and what about D12? What is she doing?
Time to get back to taking care of Heather in the real world.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Made a list of some of what I need for the paper. Listed what things I need to tackle today and tomorrow.
I'm feeling a lot of clarity this morning about D12 and how she "[censored] me dry"...my mother's words. She does. Not her fault. She focuses on me because she only has me to focus on...that will change.
I just asked for 2 hours of alone time.
It's funny. I'm a huge Agatha Christie fan and one of the things I identify with in Poirot and Miss Marple is how they digest information. They get quiet and sort allow information to soak into their bones to come up with solutions. I do that. I NEED that. With D12 in my face 24/7, it's very difficult for me to focus and sort out what my next step is...Again, not her fault. But, something that has to change.
At home, homeschooling was different. The network was larger and the weather was better and we lived within a mile or two of three of D12's best friends. Here, homeschooling is still something odd and there isn't the network like in Ohio. I think I'm excited for her with this school idea.
Not blaming myself as much today for this situation. Accepting it is what is and how to handle it.
I will NOT be going to Ohio this week. I'm sick of this crazy d and I'm sick of waiting on support and I'm sick of it being a constant "in my face" stress...
It's snowing hard. I'm going to take a few hours of down time. Take a bath. Shovel some. Get a grocery list going. Pay some of the rent.
Ok. Getting overwhelmed. I will stop there for now. I'm going to chill until 1 p.m.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Hi Heather, Let me tell you, I can so relate to what you are going through. I just started a new job in a field that I have zero experience in and must learn while at the same time having to deal with the D, the kids, NEVER having enough money to make ends meet. You are NOT alone.
As for job talking about not getting on the forum during the work day, I know that in my last business, I did spend too much time here when I should have had making that work 100% on my mind. I needed the support, the advice, the "kick in the pants" when I felt ready to just give up but at the same time to make that business work, it needed all my attention. You have come far enough that you don't "need" these things as much. You know what everyone here is going to say before they post it. Yes, it helps to see it on the screen but you do know. Time is not on your side and for now, your job needs as much attention as you can possibly give.
From what you wrote about the meeting, let me tell you, they like you and really want you to make this paper work. YOU to make it work. While studying how to do my new job better, I came across a web site that may be of some help to you in finding stories. It's called Helpareporter.com. Reporters post requests for experts in almost any field you can think of to help them with stories. The experts like it because it gets their name and their business's name out in the public free. So, if you need to write a story about a subject you don't know very well (or at all) you just post a request for an expert to answer your questions and give you ideas. I don't know if it will help but I thought of you when I saw it. There are many resources out there now that weren't available in the past to help you. Time to find some of them.
About your lawyer and the D. If he wants you to pay him, he needs to do his job and part of that job is to make sure you are getting your support payments and on time! Saying "I don't know" is unacceptable. If his client isn't getting what the court has ordered, HE needs to make sure that the court knows, Smokey's lawyer knows and that Smokey can be ARRESTED for not paying his support on time. In my state they will take the support right out of his pay and send it to you and he can't stop them. Most states have had it with deadbeat dad's (and moms) and if he is dragging his feet about making payments that is exactly what Smokey is! The money isn't yours...it belongs to your D and he needs to understand that she is still his responsibility crisis or not! He can afford it, you can't afford to do it all alone.
Lastly, if you are going to make it, you need to get caught up on all your bills. It is so much easier when you aren't behind on everything. You are behind because Smokey hasn't been doing his share, no other reason. If he had been paying all along, you would be in a much better position right now. Ask your mom for some help. I know how hard it is as I have had to do the same from my parents. I have found that they want me to succeed. They know that it wasn't my fault that my W did this when she did and how she did. If you can get help from her to get caught up and also get your lawyer to make Smokey pay what he NEEDS to pay, it will be so much easier to make it work. If you don't catch up, the late fees ($225 for rent already!) are going to eat you up and you will have a much harder time not only making the money work but the stress from knowing that you can't pay will invade everything including your ability to do your job. Everything is harder when you have that kind of worry to deal with!
Heather, in the past I have told you that you are my hero. You STILL are! You have come so very far and grown so much in such a short time. Try to remember back when the only things you thought you could do were getting more people in your summer camp and taking more tutoring jobs. Your world was so much smaller then. Now you have moved hundreds of miles, got a job as editor of a weekly paper, are taking care of yourself and your D on your own. Think about how different you are now then you were just last summer! How far you have come. You can't be defeated now, not when you have come so far. The obstacles you face now are different then the ones you overcame then but not any harder. You overcame those, you can overcome these new ones as well!
Matt sent Louisa a lovely v-day card apologizing for being a shiddy dad the last couple years...it's been 3 years. Sent her 20 bucks. She was touched and I kept telling her how nice.
Shoveled Cleaned litter boxes Made grocery list Called my mom-told her my financial sitch-didn't ask for money--couldn't do it--but she knows
Off to grocery
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I just looked up individuals who were fired and used the situation to reach their potential. Not saying I'm getting fired...but, showing there are lots of successful people who have been dealt bad cards.
God must want me to have some thick skin at the end of all of this.
Why me? Not in the sense that Why Me as in poor me...but, why me? in the sense that I'm this introvert who would be perfectly happy as a sheep farmer.
Originally Posted By: LoisB
I see where I'm coming from with wanting to share the details with the company. When I received the atty email this morning...it was like..."SEE!! Holy shid. SEE! What I've been dealing with??"
So what I am hearing you say is that:
-your less than stellar work -'inability' to produce quality work
Is not your fault. It is all because of "outside" forces are conspiring against you.
What I am reading here is that you are not taking full responsibility for YOUR contribution to this problem.
Facts:
-You spend way TOO much time here in DB forums during the work day hours thus distracting you -You hide behind "homeschooling" as why you cannot work at the company offices M-F because "no one" would be there to take care of D12 -You readily admitted to having a young buck write your article because of "lack of time" or "overwhelmed"...which resulted in shoddy work
Whose fault is that?
I suggest that you recognize what has NOT been working that led you and company to this point.
This means that you ALONE will be responsible for taking the reins of your employment issues and figuring out what requires your immediate attention.
This will entail the following:
-Ceasing posting on DB forums during the course of work day from 9 am to 6 pm -Ceasing posting on DB forums when it's all hands on deck in getting the paper out to the printing press -Attending to any D-related matters during evenings/weekends. If you need to talk with L, do so during lunch hour -Setting meetings asap with both editors to ask for input on how you can IMPROVE your work -Take advantage of the editor's offer to show previous issues of papers he's worked on -Enroll D12 in public school -Make after school care arrangements (after school programs, baby sitter) until you arrive home from work -Plan for when the summer school is out (baby sitter, camps, etc)
Your company is paying for your time and energy on the newspaper...not on DBing or whatnot.
You alone have to decide to make this happen and SUCCEED.
You had a role in this breakdown. Take charge and own it. Make it count.
Show them that you're number #5 (from raliced's post)
First off...I'm most definitely a #5 and that's even if I choose to post here daily. I'm inherently a #5 and will always be a #5. Whether I'm fired or given a standing ovation by my bosses at the end of all this. I AM A #5.
-If I, in ANY way, haven't conveyed my deep embarrassment and shame over this situation at work...believe me...I'm deeply aware of the fact that I've accepted money for a job I haven't done. I'm horrified and ashamed and full of ick over this fact. But, I'm also aware of the fact that I've had a lot of things drawing on my attention. Money being the biggest.
I came to this state and this job to reinvent myself, only to find myself--dealing with the same shame and insecurities. This was not the plan. But, I'm still here. I'm still employed, if barely...but I am still standing. And, I took every hit yesterday from that publisher who sounded a lot more like Smokey with each vent. I took it. I owned it and, then, I came here to digest the information. It was A LOT of information to digest.
I have NO ONE HERE. NO ONE. It's me and D12. That's it.
I need to speak up about a few things that keep coming up...
-My posting here. I have been posting a lot, again...yes. And, I have done it during the weekdays. I do, however, work weekends. My week, until now, has been running full bore on Sat, Sun, Mon and Tuesd with a bit of a reprieve on Weds and Thurs...The paper goes to press on Tuesday nights. And, it pi$$es me off that I am in a position that I have to defend my schedule to you guys.
AGAIN, I have no one here to vent to. I'm in a new place and I'm terrified and I'm dealing with divorce issues I've never had to deal with before. I filed for divorce less than a week before I started my new job. In hindsight, that wasn't the best choice for me. But, it is what it is. And, I don't have family support. My family is sick of this situation...as am I.
Without these boards, these past few months...I most definitely would have blown my brains out.
-I'm willing enroll D12 in school. I spoke to the super yesterday. I have D12 slowly coming on board. But, until you've raised a child with special needs and had to deal with the public school situation that we did at home...You have no idea what we went through in Ohio with D12. It was years of IEP's and 504's and some legitimate trauma that the school imposed on my daughter. That's why I'm so protective. They diminished her struggles completely and told me I was crazy. It took the Cleveland Clinic to validate my concerns...but, this was after they, literally, carried her into public school...in front of a school full of children...The vice principal carried her kicking and screaming into school and told me it was the best thing for her. I didn't know she had Asperger's. I stood by and allowed them to drag her into school in front of all these children...A child who has terrible social anxiety and I had to watch while she kicked and screamed and begged for me. That's after two years of lying to her and dragging her to counselors and begging the staff to take my concerns seriously. She would hurt herself in order to get out of school. WE spent 3-4 hours each day with D12 screaming and throwing things because of her stress and frustration over school. That's what our life was like when she was in school. So, yes, I'm apprehensive.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Many children with Asperger's have tons of intelligence, but they test poorly.
I have a child who, at the age of 6, was making models of Mt. Vesuvius and describing details that adults would have trouble remembering about Pompeii...this same child tests at 80 on the I.Q. scale. Her math abilities are at 3rd grade when she is in 6th...Her spelling is atrocious...the Clinic believed she may have dyslexia, but she is now old enough to test it.
I have a bright child who already feels diminished and stupid and insecure and the last thing I want right now is to put her into a situation where she reads every sign as validation of her limited intelligence.
If you had any idea of the struggles we had day in and day out when it came to getting her to school...Even my mother, who has wanted me to be work and do what I'm doing for years...even my mother isn't sure of putting D12 into school because of the added stress it will put on my plate.
Talk to a mother with a child with Asperger's...sometimes getting them INTO a mainstream school causes wayyyy more stress and frustration for the family than just accommodating homeschool.
BUT>I trust your opinions here and I always take your thoughts into account because you are more like a family than I've ever had. And, more often than not, I do the scary thing. So, up yours.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
And, something else...I've been terrified with this job. Absolute terror. I'm not saying this is an excuse. I screwed up. I get it. I was given a chance and I screwed up...And, I hate, hate, hate myself for it. I made everything Smokey has accused me of....true.
But, I'm so scared every single time I go to write this paper. Every time I sit down and try to put it together, I'm overwhelmed with fear...fear that what has happened...will happen. I set myself up. I see that.
And, now I'm more scared than ever. I'm so tired of being afraid. So tired.
But, it ain't over til it's over.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I come here for courage to get it done. I come here because you'all for some strange reason, believe in me. I come here, gather courage to keep going. I don't believe in me 75%...which is better than the 5% I used to have. No one believes in me.
I have to fill my ears with Gospel music and sermons to even get to my office. And, I come here for understanding and support.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I can fully understand your apprehension with your daughter. My middle daughter was extremely traumatized by her kindergarten teacher because she would not speak at all. In order to get her away from this destructive teacher we had to agree to get her evaluated. They eventually said she was a selective mute. At times we wanted to remove her from school and home school her. It took years of nurturing and support. Years of her never speaking in class. She has come a long way and is now in college. I think if we had home schooled her she would not be where she is now. I think the interaction was important for her development and socialization.
Like you, i did focus on my situation too much. It took its toll on me personally and professionally. I am now having to look for work and I am scared. I hope you will take the advice given here in the best vein it is given. people are concerned and want the best for you.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Every situation is different. If I hadn't homeschooled D12, she wouldn't be where she is now. She was able to socialize in a small, safe group without the pressure of too many kids, expectations or administrative expectations.
Now, is a different time for D12. She is ready for this challenge. I wish more people understood, however, the value of homeschooling when it came to kids with learning and developmental struggles.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
The violin strings have been plucked and are now broken. Yes, you come here for support and understanding, however, the bottom line is this...the only person that can help you is yourself. From where I'm sitting, you aren't doing that because you aren't listening to what we have told you about this forum and your personal matters when it comes to doing your job that you are getting paid to do. Your job has to have your entire focus when you are doing it. This applies to any job that you are getting paid to do. You've been given the final warning yesterday and the next time, you'll be receiving your pink slip and out the door you will go. What are you going to do then? File for unemployment? I don't know about NY, but here, you don't get unemployment right away when you are fired.
From where I am sitting, you've been given every opportunity to straighten up, get your act together and improve. They even extended your probation to give you a little bit more time to get it together. Possibly in another office, you would have gotten your walking papers within the first 30-60 days for unacceptable performance. The publisher and the paper have been good to you. They paid your relocation expenses to move there, they allowed you a day off during the week and the opportunity to work home, as well as allowing you to bring your daughter to work. Now, it is time to show them that you can do this job, as well as prove to yourself that you can do it. Why else did you take it if you didn't think you could do it?
Heather, I want you to get angry, I want you to get so angry that you can spit because it appears that is the only way that you will focus on what is at hand...your work. Yes, get angry at me for being honest w/you. I'm not going to sugar coat any more of my support and understanding. You have to stop blaming others for what is going on in your life. You are the only one that has control over your life.
Some of your financial situation is of your own making and you can't put all of your eggs into one basket. You need to check with the banking institutions in your area to see if they offer free seminars on budgeting. You need to be on a budget so that you know what you have coming in and going out each month. I do understand that you and your daughter need to get out every once in a while...but you don't go out and blow $100 when you have bills that need to be paid. Pay them first and then take some money and go to a movie, pizza or even an activity in that area.
BTW, when you go to church, check out the activities that they offer and start going to some. People will be more willing to help you if you started reaching out a bit. Have you met your neighbors? This is a good start since people are shoveling their driveways, etc.
Check out a support group called Parents Without Partners. This is an excellent support group that have some of the same issues that you are dealing with. Go to some alanon meetings. Please do not say you don't have time to go because you spend a lot of time here that could be utilized in attending some of the meetings. "Real time" support would be of a great help to you. You need some human contact so that you can actually get the support and help you need.
So now, you can say "up yours" to me too. Again, the only person that can help you is yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and take back control over your life. Surely, we all can't be wrong in the advice we have given you.
One more thing...you need to get angry at your lawyer and state firmly to him what you are expecting from him. Emails and texts aren't conveying that. In his eyes, you most likely look like a pushover and will do whatever he wants you to do.
Call him up and give him the what for about your child support situation and tell him you want answers. That the sooner you get the back payments and are on a regular schedule to receive the support payments, the sooner he'll see another check.
You have to toughen up and start being tougher instead of a little mouse accepting whatever crumbs this lawyer is tossing your way. He works for you, not the other way around.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Did I say you were one? If you think and act like a schmuck, then people will treat you as a schmuck. You want respect from others, then learn to respect yourself. If you want to continue feeling down on yourself, then that is on you. People are more apt to help you when they see you are willing to ask for help. However, you have to be willing to get out there, open yourself up a bit and ask for the help. You've lived in this new place for a few months and you probably haven't met the neighbors. As for being alone...you will remain that way until you step outside your comfort zone.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Heather, If you want to actually talk to someone, I'll be happy to give you a call tomorrow.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Heather, Just a thought but the school that both my D's went to K-8 was a small, private school. The largest class that either had was 11 kids. This base has been such a help to them both. My D15 is now in public school and is getting straight "A's" and even she knows that a big reason is the excellent ed. she got at this school. They also had financial asst. for people who couldn't afford to pay. This type of school may be exactly what your D needs. The kids all knew one another so well there was much less social anxiety. They were more like brothers and sisters since there were so few of them and they spent so much time together. You may want to look for a school like this in your area as an alternative to a large, public school. At least for her middle school years as a transition time until HS.
Like you I don't have any family except my kids anywhere near me. My W moved us 1600 miles to be closer to HER family. I now have no one while she has her family around to help. I have been so busy trying to find work and just get to a point where I can pay my bills every month, I have been isolated (except for the weeks I have my D15 which I love). Once I get really into my new job, once I get a few paychecks (my first paycheck isn't until next Friday!) and have caught up on my bills, I know that I need to start expanding my world. I need to start getting to know more people, having a life that is more than just work and worry. Like you, my new work entails that I get out into the public, get involved in the local community. To make our jobs work, both of us have to be able to make the time to become members of our communities. You will find it easier to write about what is going on in your area if it is a part of your and your D's life. I know it's hard and I'm not minimizing that. Believe me, I need to do more myself. But I really think that part of the problem you are having with the paper is that you are new to the area and don't yet know what people in that area are the most interested in reading about. Every small community has it's own "culture" and you being new to the area and having to deal with all you've been, you haven't had a chance to really learn what that is. I really think that once you get past this part, the part where you learn just exactly what the publishers want, you will be able to become more comfortable getting each issue out. I'm actually surprised that they expected you to just know what they expected from day one. Maybe asking the editors to show you which past issues they were the most proud of and why could help you get an idea of what THEY think the "perfect" issue looks like? The weekly you were with in the past may have been in an area where the local's were really interested in, say, local politics. While in this area they may be more into local HS sports. This is something that you need to learn as you go along.
I'm not going to try and tell what is best for your D. I can't imagine how hard it was watching them carry her into school against her will screaming for help...that is a nightmare! I will say this, we all here have to find new ways to deal now that our lives have forever been changed because of our S's MLC. What we were doing in the past is longer tenable because we can't count on help from anyone, especially our Ex's. I know that your D doesn't deal well with change but because her father has decided that his happiness is more important than what is best for her you have to find new methods that will work. It stinks and isn't "right' but it is a fact. You CAN do this, Heather. It's just a matter of finding new ways that work.
You may not realize this, but private schools do not need to comply with IDEA or any fed regulations when it comes to students with disabilities. They have a perfect right to do so as they do not receive any federal funds.
Public schools are required to comply with IDEA and develop IEP for students with disabilities because those schools receive federal funds.
So that option is probably out of the window for Heather's D12 due to her Aspergers.
Heather,
I hope you had a good talk with Job yesterday and know the path forward quite clearly. I am rooting for you, baby!
The editor that hired me gave me compliments on this week's issue. Said it was very readable and well done and a good read.
At the same time, I learned that other editor has talked to the paginater and layout person about me and asked they check in with him. The paginater was told to forward all emails from me to her and vice versa to the editor who is training me.
On the other hand, I really, really like the editor who is training me. He is very relaxed and organized and encouraging. He has been a one-man-band on a newspaper before and really gets how it is.
On the other hand, someone stopped the office phone calls from being forwarded to my cell phone...even though the nice editor suggested my doing that...I have to switch my Ohio phone number to a NY one...a bit hesitant to do this when my future is unclear.
I've grown a lot in the last few days. I know that sounds strange, but it's true.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, I'm glad you checked in and you received some compliments this week. Sometimes it helps to work w/someone, especially if you like this person. I think this will be a win-win situation as long as you keep your mind open for suggestions, etc.
It sounds like the editors are now sitting up and taking notice of things and they want to see where the problems are and start working on them. It's evident, they don't want to see you go. They see potential!
As for the phone calls being stopped. Maybe it's because the bill is getting pretty high. Whatever the reason, you'll need to switch your ohio phone number to a NY one. It does make sense to do so. You can always switch it back if you should decide to ever move again.
As for the email to your lawyer...priceless! It certainly tells him how you feel about the work he's done for you. Sometimes things happen for a reason and maybe this will set him straight and get the ball rolling on to find answers to your questions. Don't sweat it! It's the truth and I certainly wouldn't go into a lot of detail as to what happened for him to receive that email.
Continue moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I underestimated how hard it would BE to become what I envisioned. Doesn't mean I have regrets or won't get there, I just made the faulty assumption that following my vision/my purpose meant it would be easy sailing.
For years and years, decades, I prayed for something more than the life I had with Smokey. I prayed and envisioned the car I'm driving now...literally, envisioned myself sitting in a car of the same color with the same interior...it's eerie how close this vehicle is to what I imagined. I envisioned myself living somewhere like I live with mountain views...I prayed to be unhitched from someone who was content with a much different life than what I wanted.
I remember writing in journals, years ago, praying for the salary I have now. Praying hard for the things I have now.
What I didn't prepare myself for...the challenge of becoming the person I envisioned. Because it means letting go of old habits and ingrained beliefs. It's a process.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
In order to attain what I envisioned...in order to become the person I have always had this sense I could become...I have to face my fears, confront my imperfections and plod on with tenacity. I have to move outside my comfort zone to open this mystery of who I am capable of being. No matter how scary and I have to trust, have faith, that it will be worth it.
If I can do it, anyone can do it.
Transfigure yourself. Keep climbing the mountain, over the boulders, past the cold, the loneliness, the storms, the mistakes, the fear of what's ahead...keep going. The view is spectacular. But, prepare yourself that it won't look the way you think.
I am the same I was 3 years ago, but not. I am becoming the person I was meant to be. I'm still wrestling with where I came from, I'm still wrestling with the change and adjustment...I'm definitely out of the valley now. I'm on the mountain. Climbing out of the valley was much, much, much harder than I ever anticipated. But, it's how I know how tough I am today. And, I would have died had I been dropped from valley onto the top of the mountain. I wouldn't have been able to handle such a quick transformation. I needed each one of these painful, lonely, difficult steps to get to the top.
I'm not there yet, but, it's within sight.
Have faith. Fill your head with positive messages each day to drown out the negative. Gradually, it all comes together.
Last edited by LoisB; 02/22/1503:29 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Believing I deserve it. I HAVE to get past the idea that I DON'T deserve good things in life...that I'm somehow inherently flawed because of the abandonment I've experienced.
I think I sabotage my blessings, often, because I don't believe I'm worthy of the good things in life. I believe I deserve the bad stuff.
Time to move past that. It may mean surrounding myself with people who believe I deserve good things and letting go of people who don't.
Just thinking out loud today...pondering things I've learned in the past few weeks and months.
How do you convince yourself you are worth it when you have deeply-rooted experiences which show you the opposite?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Beautiful posts. I can see you are taking some time to really look at how far you've come and what you have to offer. Your posts above are inspirational and absolutely true!
As far as the last post, I offer no insight. I am struggling with the same thing. But, with the awareness in which you have gained, I think you will find the answers. You have the capacity to over come that, I have no doubt.
Most of the messes in my life, especially financial, are self-imposed.
A big part of this move to N.Y. was about embracing what I deserve in life...just like everyone else.
But, something in me feels at home when I'm under fire.
When Wonka and Job were calling me on the carpet for my performance at work...I was horrified and satisfied at the same time. I could hear my dad saying--"See, I told you she couldn't pull this off"...that's what he said before I moved. I could hear Smokey and my mother saying, "See...told ya."
I feel this internal struggle between being what I see for myself and what I've always been told I was...or maybe what I wrongly imagined people were saying? IDK.
I do know there's a very small child who cries for her mother every night when I fall asleep. I hear her crying and looking for the safest place to run to. Sometimes, actually most nights, I hear her saying, "I'm going to run really fast and hard away from here."
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Every night, for as long as I can remember, I've listened to that child cry for her mother each night and, then, she runs. Fast and hard from whatever is frightening her at the moment...usually as some mess she feels responsible for creating. Because she is, in her eyes, responsible for it all...all the bad. Then, she deserves only bad in return.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Throw out the old tape and get a new tape. The old tape wasn't working for you at all. All of that recording is your FOO. Take what worked for you and discard the rest that aren't good for you or doesn't resonate with you any longer.
We grow up with each new challenges that life throws at us. We evolve or devolve. It is HOW we all rise and meet those challenges that is the making of US.
It is all a choice we make each and every day. No outside forces conspiring against us. We are each the painter of our own lives. We determine what we allow on the canvas and where we channel our focus on.
Like attracts like. I am a big believer of this philosophy. Just take a look around you. You see druggies hang around with other druggies. You see Scrabble buffs hang around with other Scrabble buffs. You get the idea.
What do you want your life to look like it? You visualize it and CREATE it.
I've done a new experiment myself all this week and I am quite surprised at how it has impacted me. Each night before going to bed, I tell myself this affirmation:
"I am inspired. I am energized. I am motivated"
Guess what? When I wake up each morning, I actually feel energized and motivated.
Your subconscious mind receives those messages and believes it to be true.
I think we all have a lifetime of messages, good and bad, running through our heads and it takes a lot of work to get to a point where the good outweigh the bad.
I believe, for me, good and evil exist in this world and each day we are tempted by evil. WE HAVE THE CHOICE...mind you...but, we have to CHOOSE GOOD over EVIL. And, Evil can sound very tempting and tantalizing and easy over good.
When an alcoholic is faced with the decision to drink, they must choose to ignore those negative messages saying---with every possible cunning and baffling message..."DRINK. You deserve it."
If it was as easy as Just Say No, then there wouldn't be adultery, alcoholism and poverty...
I'm not blaming the Devil for my problems. I own them...But, I also respect that nothing happens in a vacuum. There's a reason I struggle in the areas I struggle.
Everyone has a battle to fight each day. I wish a nightly affirmation was enough to make the decades of poverty and drug addiction and emotional abuse go away...It's not. It takes action and a fierce vigilance, for me, to fight off the negative messages each and every day.
I've learned over time...that filling my head with overwhelming positive messages leads to progress for me. Sometimes slowly, but still progress.
In my experience, many of life's problems don't have cut and dried answers...as much as we'd like to just "fix it." f
Life can be very difficult and wear you down. And, often, dark forces ARE at work to make things worse. If this wasn't the case, then my daughter would deserve to have a developmental disability, I would deserve a husband who left me for someone else and a whole slew of things would be MY fault. I'm not that powerful.
I'm like everyone else. I have good things and bad things happen each day and I have to make the conscious effort to choose to see the good over the evil.
I'm the kind of person who needs to digest the information, fill my head with words of love and acceptance and then trudge forward.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
The choice is yours. No pretend "Devil" or "negative" or "evil" outside forces.
It comes down to WHO you want to surround yourself with in your life.
In my life, I pick friends who are supportive, positive and nourishing.
As for family, I manage them because I manage my own expectations. The only 'problem' person in my family is my own stepmother who has issues as long as the Nile. I don't hold it against her nor do I judge her for those issues. I just simply keep her at arm's length and interact with her for few days. Four days is my max with my stepmother.
Mind you, I have a very loving and supportive family.
There are always at least one or two family members that are off kilter. It is just the way it is.
I don't try to change my stepmother but show her the way to forgiveness by example. She's even come to me and asked how I do it.
Blaming things on the "Devil" and "evil" forces just rubs me the wrong way for it tells me that people have NO CONTROL over their own choices.
Oh yeah...people have issues. It all comes down to choices. I have read and heard about people staying clean. Because they WANT to. One of my late great-uncles just simply quit drinking one day---cold turkey. Hadn't had a drop of it for 30 years until he passed on.
Choices, my friend. The choices you make today influence your future.
LoisB (Heather) & Wonka - I think you are more in agreement than you realize. You are both in agreement about making choices but it reads as if you are unsure about how much to attribute to factors out of our control.
Wonka you seem to totally embrace the philosophy that while we can't control what happens to us but one can ALWAYS control how we react.
Heather you seem to believe more like the old "Star Wars theory of life" AKA you must be aware of the dark side or you will never become a Jedi.
My observation is that right now Wonka wants you to embrace your inner Princess Leai(so?) because you are spending entirely too much time being Luke Skywalker before he met Yoda.
Heather be the Princess. Embrace the Princess and quit thinking like Luke before Yoda. In with the new and out with the old.
i think you are splitting hairs when the message is the same. Wonka you are just a Jedi master and Heather can't process the force as quickly as you.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I learned from my IC many years ago that it takes time to change those long played tapes. Those messages are deep within the subconscious mind. At night I listen to a relaxation music CD that has subliminal positive affirmations on it. These messages go into the subconscious mind and aren't heard so the conscious mind can't sabbatoge them. I also have positive messages posted around my home.
The world can be a very negative place. We can't change our past or the damage done by the hurtful words spoken to us as children. We can learn and grow and try to make better choices. I would like to think that my children are better and healthier adults because I did not repeat the behaviors of my parents.
There are times I catch myself listening to a negative tape from my past. It takes a lot of work and effort to press the stop button and play a positive message instead. I agree with Wonka....like attracts like. You do deserve to be successful and to be happy.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Whoa. What if the Jedi Master has walked a completely different path than the Jedi? Then, no matter how wise the Master is in his own life, it's not going to be something the Jedi will get because the two have had very, very different experiences.
The Master is going to be frustrated by the Jedi and vice versa.
Honestly, I'm not looking for a Master at this point. In fact, I'm seeing how I need to step away and draw on the interactions in the real world. These boards were a lifeline to me during a very difficult time and I, today, I just wanted to share some insights I felt looking back on the past few weeks/months.
Growth? I don't know. It's slowly feeling safe to be "out there." SLOWLY>
IMHO: Sometimes life is a combat zone. It just is. It's how we react to it that gives us the choice. When you look at the horrors in the world, I'm not sure the victims had much of a choice.
In my world view, I'm not "pretending" there's evil in the world. I believe it.
I lived for a long time with the mindset that I had a choice in every life event...and, I blamed myself for every bad thing that happened. I acted as if I was omnipotent.
And, in the end, I grew to blame and hate myself for every negative thing that happened...even when it wasn't my fault.
MY tendency is to blame MYSELF for everything. So, when I come on here and vent and digest the events of my life...often, it's with the intention of sorting out what is really mine to own and what's not. My tendency is to BLAME ME. I'm fighting 24/7 with negative messages in my head. I think a lot of people can relate to this.
The reality is...life can dish out some really shiddy stuff, but I have a choice in how I react. Still, it doesn't help me to "pretend" it's not shiddy when it is.
Nobody has control over the flat tire. I mean you can do all you can to make sure you don't get the flat...but, put the right piece of debris in the road at the right time and "Blam."
You have control over how you react to the flat...whether you allow it mess up your whole day. Maybe, you let it get to you for 15 minutes, 3 hours or, maybe you ALLOW it to get you rattled for all but the last 15 minutes of the day. Even, then, I think it's important to celebrate the fact that you were able to turn it around at the end.
I'm sure you have good reasons for feeling the way you do about the "Devil" as do I. It works for me. It doesn't make me weak or wrong. Anymore than I would blame an Agnostic or Atheist for believing how they do. In my life experiences, I've seen evil and I've watched people I love with everything in my soul...I've watched them turn away from love and choose to get high. I've seen it eat at their personalities until you couldn't even recognize the person they used to be.
When I was five, I walked in on my mother with the business end of a shotgun in her mouth. She was laying on her bed and set the stage for my father. She was still active in her alcoholism and "thought" this scenario made sense to prove a point. Only, it was I who walked through the door first.
My mother, now sober, can't even go there, can't discuss it, can't express the depth of her shame. I honor her feelings and how hard it must be to live with that. What makes a mother do that? It's not love, even though I know my mother loves me.
I'm happy to help anyone who is wrestling with demons like these as I make my way. And, as I conquer the next step, I will share what I've learned and what I'm still struggling to learn and what works for me.
I'm sorry if it touched a nerve. I respect your life experiences have given you a different viewpoint. And, I respect the hell outta your professional input. This is in arena where I'm really green.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
When I was five, I walked in on my mother with the business end of a shotgun in her mouth. She was laying on her bed and set the stage for my father. She was still active in her alcoholism and "thought" this scenario made sense to prove a point. Only, it was I who walked through the door first.
My mother, now sober, can't even go there, can't discuss it, can't express the depth of her shame. I honor her feelings and how hard it must be to live with that. What makes a mother do that? It's not love, even though I know my mother loves me.
In reading this, I cannot help but feel compassion for your mother. To be at a point where she felt that ending her own life was the answer to her problems. It must have been a very, very dark place for her and she was in a such deep despair that killing herself was the only option.
You walking in at that moment was divine intervention. Funny how God works in mysterious ways, right?
Let me tell you something here. After my late father passed away, I begun clearing out his personal effects from his clothes in his closet, dresser, his art supplies, family keepsakes, and a ton of memories.
It was during one of those cleaning phase that I came across a letter that he had written to me (never sent, never shown to me) around the time that he and my stepmother were going through a divorce. Mind you, he's the one that had an affair and his own OW. Facing divorce was a very, very low point for my father because he was losing his "family unit" of me, himself, and my stepmother. In that letter, he wrote of how sorry that he had to "kill" himself, how much he loved me and my stepmother.
If he had followed through with his deep despair, I would have been fatherless at the vulnerable age of 12-13. As I read the letter, I spoke to my father as if he was the room with me, "Dear Dad, how awful that you must have felt. How dark you must have felt...that you had no choice but to kill yourself. My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that you felt this way. I am so glad that you did not follow through with this. This makes me feel closer to you as I got to see the other side of you...you as a man."
I was not angry at all. I was more....like...gosh, how awful this had to be on you.
You see. No one conspired against my father. He made the choice to live to see another day. And then more....
What I am saying here is that you DO have a lot more control over how you live your life than you realize.
Yes, there are bad things that do take place. It is WHERE you put your attention is what you draw back into your life.
For example, you meet some people and see right away that they're not healthy and toxic. You simply step away and give them no attention.
It is the same with self-talk. When one persists in such negative talk, the more it magnifies in your head. Talk about self-fulfilling prophecy. It is like that with the editor and the other folks.
You had it in your head that they were going to fire you. You had it in your head that you were no-good. You had it in your head that you were a "schmuck."
It goes on and on with Smokey.
It goes on with your mother.
Change how you think and your reactions will be different.
This is what I meant by playing the same tape over and over. It's not serving you well at all.
Your mother was not thinking clearly when she put the gun to her mouth. It was not about her lack of "love" for you. She had hit rock bottom and saw no way out of it.
I am mystified as to why this action was the "proof" that your mother did not love you or the kids. In that particular situation, it was not as a "mother", but as a person. When my father wrote that suicide letter, he did not do it from a place as a "Dad", but as "John." Do you see what I am saying here?
Originally Posted By: LoisB
In my life experiences, I've seen evil and I've watched people I love with everything in my soul...I've watched them turn away from love and choose to get high. I've seen it eat at their personalities until you couldn't even recognize the person they used to be.
Is that inherently evil? Or were those based on bad choices?
Let's be clear here:
I believe in God. The God I believe in is very, very loving and benevolent. He's pure Love.
It's the stupid Humans who do not so nice things. No one forced them to do so. Their hearts were closed off which is why some of them do some really awful deeds.
From a place of strong self-worth, choices will be based on love. You see...when you love you, then you will start allowing positive and nourishing people into your life. Because it is what you WANT in your life.
Heather, have you thought about seeing a IC to work through some of those issues?
We are saying the same freaking thing. We just have different views on where the bad stuff originates. I say the Devil...you say self-will.
Go back and re-read what I posted this morning. I'm sorting out the mess with my writing. I came to the same conclusion you did in the post above. I set myself up.
I thought "I don't deserve this" and I made it true.
What I'm trying to point out to folks here who may be struggling with similar issues...just because it gets messy, doesn't mean all is lost. Re-building, remodeling...it's messy business. It may be ugly and messy and feel terrible, but this movement may be meaningful and part of the process to get where you are headed.
I'm digging past my limitations, my past, my insecurities, my fears...I'm gonna keep on digging until I hit gold. I'm learning there is no mistake in success. I used to think success was some sort of miracle. It's not. No one gets to the Olympic podium by saying...Hey! How did this happen?
I missed that lesson in school or wherever. I'm not blaming myself. I just did.
It's not easy, but I'm working on it.
Sometimes it comes off like you think you have all the answers. When, in my opinion we're all in this together...figuring out the path and helping each other through. That's my frustration.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I thought "I don't deserve this" and I made it true.
Listen to me carefully on this one.
I came to this new job with all sorts of insecurities. I was using all my same devices to get through and force my way through the fear...THEN! BAM! I was hit with one thing after another.
I held my ground, but began to waiver a little here and a little there. My foundation began to rock a bit. I got tired. I got really tired. My car payments fell behind. I couldn't make rent. I was forced to reach out to Smokey for support because my attorney wasn't.
That's where, in my opinion, I allowed the Devil to creep into my thoughts. I was already vulnerable. I was scared of having Ohio recreated in N.Y.
I allowed it to eat away at me. I started to give in. I didn't ask for help. I stepped back into my default which is retreat and hide.
Then, all those doubts became realities. And, I got angry.
For me, I get angry with the devil. That rat basteerd got into my thoughts again, just when I was turning things around. S.O.B. I got angry and it helps me to get angry because then I have something tangible to fight against.
I can't, I just can't, beat myself up any more. It doesn't serve me. I HAVE to separate the behavior from my person or I will die. I have to see that my behavior doesn't make me bad or good, it just is.
A clear separation of good and evil helps me do that.
And, I know my mother loves me. I didn't argue that the horrible day was some indication she didn't love me. It was proof that even someone who loves, adores and worships their kid can make, in a moment of weakness, a terrible decision...In my world view, I see a negative force pushing for that evil to come to fruition. In some houses, it does.
Something stopped her from carrying it through. I'm not fool enough to think I'm that powerful. Something greater than us both intervened. If there's a God, why can't there be a Devil?
What about that scares you?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Something stopped her from carrying it through. I'm not fool enough to think I'm that powerful. Something greater than us both intervened. If there's a God, why can't there be a Devil?
What about that scares you?
I have nothing to fear (well...discounting spiders and snakes ).
To answer your question, may I suggest that you look into this wonderful book:
Angel Answers: What the angels can teach us about the world we live in by Diana Cooper
In my life experiences, I've seen evil and I've watched people I love with everything in my soul...I've watched them turn away from love and choose to get high. I've seen it eat at their personalities until you couldn't even recognize the person they used to be.
Wonka, it has to be evil. Why? Because, otherwise, it was ME. I wasn't enough. I can't go there anymore. I refuse to go there.
I didn't deserve the people I love to leave anymore than someone deserves a loved one to die in an accident.
And, to watch my children suffer? Have scars that will remain with them forever?
It's human nature to try to understand WHY? This is my way. It helps me from beating myself up anymore. I've been there, done that. Enough. I have the t-shirt.
I will check out the book.
IF you check out the Don't Be Afraid of the Gift God Gives sermons. Also, take a listen to Don't Let the Devil Ride by Neil Robeson :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Lois and Wonka, your conversation is interesting to follow as you are both attempting to say the same thing. The difference is Wonka is doing it in shades of grey while Lois is black and white. I think Lois is choosing black and white because it is easier to see a clear delineation between the too. Having this sharp contrast will help her to drop that which is self destructive and chase the constructive parts in her life. Some people are totally against having some things black and white. I feel sometimes it is good to not have the lines blurred. Right is right and wrong is wrong.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Heather, I wish I had more time to post but I must get my D15 to school and myself to work. I'll make time tonight to get into depth. But for right now I want to say that I do understand what you are saying...just as I understand what Wonka is as well. I, like you, believe that the Devil is just as "real" as God. Like all things there is always a counter-balence, a "ying and yang" if you will. It helps to show how man has two sides, one inherently good and the other evil. It is also true that the greatest gift that God gave us is free will, as well as the biggest curse. We get to choose which path we take and in the end we get the life that is the sum total of those choices.
I think that this fact is exactly what our WAS's have to come to grips with. That no matter how much we try and place blame on others for what our lives have become, in the end it is our own choices that are the cause.
I have to go but I really think you are brave for facing this head on!
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