She freaked and says now SHE'S $%&#@+- stressed over 'what I'm doing' and that I'm hurting the kids by making her be the one to file and find a place to live, away from a house their comfortable in. . . . Then she tells me she's been planning to leave since June/July, followed by "I don't have a plan to deal with this..."
A: "I'm sorry that you didn't think this through, and that your choices are causing you stress. No matter what you might feel about be right now, I do NOT enjoy seeing you stressed. You're a bright woman though -- I'm sure you'll figure it out."
Oh that's good.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
yes yes yes. Now don't worry about her making you the A-hole. She's going to do that because it's easier to point at you than to turn that wrist to point at herself. Don't buy into what she's saying, and no need to argue it.
Just don't be the A-hole - I mean give her no reason to make you the bad guy. At least you'll feel better about yourself.
During her spew, she told me she thought I have a lawyer and was going to start the divorce process, and would be the one leaving the house. I calmly told her I had a lawyer, yes, so I knew my legal rights and obligations, but I had no intent on filing for or paying for a divorce that I never wanted. She freaked and says now SHE'S $%&#@+- stressed over 'what I'm doing' and that I'm hurting the kids by making her be the one to file and find a place to live, away from a house their comfortable in. (I guess dad is suppose to accept the A, find a place to rent, pack, move, find money to buy furniture, ect.) Then she tells me she's been planning to leave since June/July, followed by "I don't have a plan to deal with this...at least I confirm my own thoughts, she had no intent to leave, until she got caught. She even said, that yes, if I didn't find out, she'd still be pretending we're good until her plan was ready...like I said tho, there was no plan. Got caught, now freaking out.
btw, this ^^^^ shows she's SPINNING. This is GOOD.
Good. Maybe she'll put at least a small amount of thought into this.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
yes yes yes. Now don't worry about her making you the A-hole. She's going to do that because it's easier to point at you than to turn that wrist to point at herself. Don't buy into what she's saying, and no need to argue it.
Just don't be the A-hole - I mean give her no reason to make you the bad guy. At least you'll feel better about yourself.
No worries, I'm her husband. I have zero concern about what her friends and family think of me. She's going to her cousins house for the weekend. I'm sure the story will be ridiculously skewed. She'll get some emotional support from them "That A-hole", ect...its unfortunate, but, I don't care. She will know the truth.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
No worries, I'm her husband. I have zero concern about what her friends and family think of me. She's going to her cousins house for the weekend. I'm sure the story will be ridiculously skewed. She'll get some emotional support from them "That A-hole", ect...its unfortunate, but, I don't care. She will know the truth.
btw, even though I'm very pro-exposure, there are ways that "Wow" line can work even without exposing. Say the relatives then come to you and ask you about the marital problems, indicating CLEARLY that she has told them NOTHING about OM. Say they even point to something totally different (and totally your fault, naturally). You can just look at them, shake your head, and say "Wow. Is that really what she told you was the reason? Wow."
During her spew, she told me she thought I have a lawyer and was going to start the divorce process, and would be the one leaving the house. I calmly told her I had a lawyer, yes, so I knew my legal rights and obligations, but I had no intent on filing for or paying for a divorce that I never wanted. She freaked and says now SHE'S $%&#@+- stressed over 'what I'm doing' and that I'm hurting the kids by making her be the one to file and find a place to live, away from a house their comfortable in. (I guess dad is suppose to accept the A, find a place to rent, pack, move, find money to buy furniture, ect.) Then she tells me she's been planning to leave since June/July, followed by "I don't have a plan to deal with this...at least I confirm my own thoughts, she had no intent to leave, until she got caught. She even said, that yes, if I didn't find out, she'd still be pretending we're good until her plan was ready...like I said tho, there was no plan. Got caught, now freaking out.
btw, this ^^^^ shows she's SPINNING. This is GOOD.
I noticed the complete change immediately. It was like a complete slap back to reality. As soon as I made the decision to be the LEADER as opposed to DOORMAT, in that moment, she was devastated and in tears.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
No worries, I'm her husband. I have zero concern about what her friends and family think of me. She's going to her cousins house for the weekend. I'm sure the story will be ridiculously skewed. She'll get some emotional support from them "That A-hole", ect...its unfortunate, but, I don't care. She will know the truth.
btw, even though I'm very pro-exposure, there are ways that "Wow" line can work even without exposing. Say the relatives then come to you and ask you about the marital problems, indicating CLEARLY that she has told them NOTHING about OM. Say they even point to something totally different (and totally your fault, naturally). You can just look at them, shake your head, and say "Wow. Is that really what she told you was the reason? Wow."
Absolutely. Her mom and pop are in BC. The family she's going to see she's seen less than a hand full of times since we've been married. Maybe, ohh 3-4 times. The day after I exposed it on FB though my mom got a call at her house from (we believe) her mom. My mom never returned the call. I, as well as my mom believe the marital issues should not be discussed amongst spousal families.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
I'm not saying it's good because I want to see her devastated and in tears. I'm saying it's good because perhaps she's QUESTIONING the path she is on, and because -- as they say -- the opposite of love isn't hate, it's APATHY.
The depth of her passion on the subject shows that she's still in love with you, and the erratic behavior and poor decision-making shows me that she does not have a well-thought-out plan.
AllenA used to very cogently point out how a wayward's decision-making options are pretty much boiled down to:
1) Keep having my affair, and keep my husband/wife as Plan B until I decide for sure what I want to do;
2) End my affair, and return to work on my marriage with my spouse;
3) Keep having my affair, and make the decision to END my marriage over it, because my affair partner is more important to me than my spouse is.
What you want to do with an early, strong "I will not live in an open marriage, and I won't wait forever" stance is remove #1 as a viable option for them, forcing them to choose between #2 and #3.
The RUB is, however, that many (most?) people are so co-dependent and so TERRIFIED that their spouse will choose #3, that they are afraid to remove #1, and therefore they stand no chance of their wayward spouse ever choosing #2.
Is it a risk? Sure, but unless you're willing to live with the SHEER HELL of #1 -- "limbo" -- it's a risk worth taking, in my opinion. Because limbo will kill you ... especially us men.
I'm not saying it's good because I want to see her devastated and in tears. I'm saying it's good because perhaps she's QUESTIONING the path she is on, and because -- as they say -- the opposite of love isn't hate, it's APATHY.
The depth of her passion on the subject shows that she's still in love with you, and the erratic behavior and poor decision-making shows me that she does not have a well-thought-out plan.
AllenA used to very cogently point out how a wayward's decision-making options are pretty much boiled down to:
1) Keep having my affair, and keep my husband/wife as Plan B until I decide for sure what I want to do;
2) End my affair, and return to work on my marriage with my spouse;
3) Keep having my affair, and make the decision to END my marriage over it, because my affair partner is more important to me than my spouse is.
What you want to do with an early, strong "I will not live in an open marriage, and I won't wait forever" stance is remove #1 as a viable option for them, forcing them to choose between #2 and #3.
The RUB is, however, that many (most?) people are so co-dependent and so TERRIFIED that their spouse will choose #3, that they are afraid to remove #1, and therefore they stand no chance of their wayward spouse ever choosing #2.
Is it a risk? Sure, but unless you're willing to live with the SHEER HELL of #1 -- "limbo" -- it's a risk worth taking, in my opinion. Because limbo will kill you ... especially us men.
Starsky
I'm pretty sure she knows #1 is gone. She said the other day, even yesterday that she feelsvno tension in the house at all, that she was fine. Today, before she lost it she said "fine then, have fun living with the tension for a very long time". When she lost it, she said " do you really think its good for you to be here causing all the tension in the house, letting affect the kids? My thought? Take a good long look in the mirror lady, THERES your tension.
And the in-love part? Christ I hope so.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
