We married at a young age and had kids quickly. While never a perfect marriage things have been good, or so I thought. I had been diagnosed with depression several years earlier, and she was diagnosed with mild ADHD. Sometimes she has taken medicine, but hadn’t taken anything for a few years.
In early January she started playing a new video game on her phone and tablet. It very quickly became her entire life. She would play in the morning, while she worked in her home office, and then in the evenings from after dinner until 2 or 3 am. It was crazy. There were days when we would sit down to dinner and she would state that she forgot to eat breakfast and lunch. I discovered last week that she has secretly spent over $1000 on this game buying in game items.
We used to go to bed together almost every night around 10 or 11, I would read for a while and she would Facebook or Instagram while I rubbed her legs and back before going to sleep. I had been missing this, I felt abandoned. It’s like I’ve been replaced by a video game. I’ve suffered from depression for years, and it hit me hard, I felt replaced, abandoned, and worthless.
I then noticed that she was texting another person from the game, I snooped on her tablet and also found out she bought him a $100 gift card for the game. The text messages were kind of flirty, but no sexting that I saw. However, the message history was not all there.
After a few days of feeling very down I got up the courage to talk to her about the impact this situation was having on me. Once I asked her to take it easy on the game she declared that wasn’t sure she wanted to be married anymore and needed time to think. She also promptly changed all her passwords to her devices and has become very sneaky. If I come in the room she hides her phone screen.
She did come to bed at our normal time that night, but I could tell she did not want to be there. I’m really missing the intimacy we used to have every evening, which is very hard. I just want to hold her in my arms in the evening when we go to bed.
I called my assistance line from work the next morning. They got me into a therapist that afternoon to start on the depression problem. I met the psychiatrist two days later to have my meds adjusted. I feel I am doing well, not better, but getting there.
My psychiatrist told me to leave her alone. She said she needed time and I was to give it to her. I’m not to pester her to talk, wait until she is ready. Also, all touching is off limits. She has to initiate any touching. He told me not hug her unless she hugs me, don’t pressure her. Basically I am to wait around and do nothing until she decides if she wants to try and save the relationship.
She met a psychiatrist a couple weeks ago and started on an anti-depressant. She was told not to make any changes, no talking until the drug kicked in and she felt better. It wasn’t working for her, so she was switched to an ADHD drug which should start to work quicker.
As far the affair, all I really know for sure is the emotional infidelity part of it, which is bad enough. I don’t know if it progressed to sexting or snap chatting, or video. I do not know if it reached the physical level. I realized that something else might be related to this. A couple of weeks ago she shaved her pubic area, which she hasn’t done in a couple of years. I initially though it was for me, but now I’m not sure what to think. There are calls on the cell phone bill to his number that start around the time she shaved. The feelings of betrayal are tough to deal with. I don’t expect to see many calls on the next bill because I noticed her using a new app the other day called Line. When I looked it up, it is for messaging, calling, pictures, social media kind of stuff.
It’s hard because I’m in limbo right now, waiting for her to be ready to talk. The last two weeks were very hard, and now it is two more until her next appointment. It’s hard because there are still signs that she cares about me. I still get hugs and kisses when I leave for work, when I get home, before bed. There is still conversation at dinner, just small talk like stuff. But once she sits down to play the game, BAM I’m alone. It’s like there is a statue across the room. We have season tickets to the local basketball team and we still attend those games together. Sometimes she even holds my hand, which makes me feel optimistic. I have thought about staying home form those and let her go with our daughter or her friend. Not sure because I do value spending time with her.
From my diary 10 days ago: “My evenings have become a lot of waiting around until it’s my bed time. It’s become a very stressful time for me. I went to bed at 10 as usual. When I said good night to her she said she wouldn't be long. Each night that ‘I won't be long’ gets a little bit longer, tonight it was 45 minutes. This is really hurting me, first I’m excited that she will be there soon, then sad that she hasn't come to bed yet, then even sadder that she has forgotten about me waiting. Then I hear her start to come in to the bedroom and my heart races again. Then she gets in the bed and I do get a couple of kisses and a little bit of a snuggle and I’m filled with hope that I might get some much needed attention. But I can tell she doesn’t want to be there, that her heart isn’t in it. Then she rolls over to use her phone and asks me to rub her back. I feel like I have a disease and she can’t touch me. Last night it became too much and I asked her to sleep in the spare room. She jumped right up and seemed happy to leave. I suspect that she will be happy with this new arrangement where she can stay up late as she wants.”
I let her know the next day that I missed her in the bed, and she was welcome back at any time, but only when she is ready to be there. I think I might be sleeping alone for quite a while. She does come in the room to say good night and brush her teeth. There are always kisses and hugs, last night she even rested her head on my chest for a brief moment before leaving for her room to do whatever it is she does down there late into the night.
I decided against any Valentine's Day gifts. I can't buy her love and it wouldn't be giving her space. I wonder if I should tell her no gifts because I’m giving her space. I don’t want her to think I don’t care.
I discovered this site a week ago and promptly order the DR book. I am part way through it. I am also trying to follow the 37 rules, but I do slip up from time to time. I am working on making myself better. I’m definitely eating better, getting more exercise, and doing more around the house. I haven’t gotten to the 180 part of the book, but hopefully will soon.
Thank-you for reading this. It felt good to type it out.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank-you for those links, a lot of good stuff in there.
I’m back peddling on my Valentine’s Day plans. Instead of nothing I think I will get her a simple card, nothing really mushy, just something simple to let her know I am thinking of her.
I also think this will be my last weekend attending the games with her. She can take our daughter or her best friend with her. Last night was hard. A lot of phone use while driving there, and whenever I wasn’t around at the game. At times it felt like old times when we would go to the games. But it's not the same right now. She has always enjoyed them a lot, we both do actually. It’s like I’m a friend that she can ask basketball questions to, or discuss plays or strategy with. It was really hard to sit there and be with her, without being with her. I do not want to be a friend, I want to be a couple.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
Hi, welcome to the DB board. I really wish you would consider changing your name b/c you aren't dumb.
I will try to respond to some things you brought out in your post. Btw, what are your ages and the kids ages?
Did she have ADHD as a child? My H, children, and two of my grandchildren have ADD. It can be very frustrating for the "normal" person in the family. Maybe I should say, the non-ADD person. I can see the problems associated with the disorder, however, I don't believe a person's morals are directed by it, do you?
You seem like a very kind and patient man, who doesn't expect a lot from his W. Having depression (and low self-esteem ?) sure hasn't helped your stitch any. Would you say you and wife have different personalities, or about the same?
Your W's addiction is very serious, IMO. And sadly, it seems to be leading to other things that are not good. You asked her to simply pull back on the game playing......not to end it, right? And she replied by saying she didn't know if she wanted to be M any more. That response show how deep in trouble she is.
I hope she does not have little children depending on her for their welfare. If she can't remember to feed herself, she won't take care of them. I think you are going to have to be a lot firmer going forward.
May I ask why both of you are seeing a psychiatrist, and is it the same one?
She needs a lot of help, but what you have done is not working. I know what you said the psychiatrist said not to do, but did he give any instructions what "to do" about the housework, kids, and other day to day things? Who has taken care of every thing?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Lately I feel dumb. I've learned that feelings are not facts. I've learned so much in the last few weeks about relationships. So many things I should have done differently. It all seems like common sense now, but it took me 23 years to learn it.
We are in our mid 40's. Children are 21 and 22. The oldest has moved out of state, the younger is almost moved out. Spends most nights at her boyfriends.
If she had ADD as a child it was not diagnosed. One of the dumb things was never discussing with her what we needed to do as a couple to work with that diagnosis. I don't think it would impact her morals. But she has been very impulsive lately. I believe there is more than just ADD at play here as well. Maybe some empty nest with the younger child almost moved out. Maybe some depression, and she is definitely under more stress from her job.
I believe our personalities are very similar. Both shy people, but we do like to laugh and go out with friends. Neither likes to be the 'center of attention' at gatherings.
I think the addiction is very serious, I asked her to not play as much, just told her I needed some attention. She stated at one point that she is only happy when playing the game.
I had called my work hotline to talk to them the day after our first talk. I was quite depressed. They got me into a therapist that day to work on depression and self esteem issues now. They also got me into the psychiatrist to adjust my anti depressant medication.
She made an appointment with a psychiatrist because she knows something is wrong. She said she became numb to everything, no feelings for anything. She has not started any therapy yet. She was advised to wait until the medication starts working. That's a tough part for me. I've been to hours of therapy the last couple weeks. Working on so many things to be a better person no matter the outcome. And she continues to play this game all the time. It's tough feeling like I'm the only one trying.
We are not currently seeing the same counsellors or doctors. I have thought about switching to hers, but am not that impressed so far.
For most everyday things around the house we do them together. I try and do as much as I can around the house now. Part of my 180 strategy.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
I just re-read the detachment thread again. I'm going to have to work on that this week. It's just too hard on me continuing to do things together, when we are not together. I can't continue to go to sporting events as just a friend.
The game last night was ok, but it's just hard when we do something and the minute we get home she rushes off to her bedroom to play a game or chat all night. I'm getting tired of hearing the "I'm tired and going to bed early" line, only to get up to get a drink at 3am and see her light still on 4 hours later.
It's hard to spend time with someone when you can tell they would rather be somewhere, or with someone, else.
I'm actually feeling a little angry this morning. That's not an emotion I've had a lot of these days.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
You are dealing with several serious issues at once. I don't know what you have been advised, and you need to listen to the psychiatrist, if you completely trust him/her. Is it a psychiatrist or a psycholist?
If it were me, the first thing I would concentrate on would be getting myself in a healthy frame of mind. You have made the first step by seeing a professional. There are different kinds of meds used for depression or anxiety. Finding the best one for you may take a couple or more tries, but don't give up. If used correctly, they can help turn you around. Deep depression is dibilitating.
As much as you want to help your W right now, you may not be able to do very much. In the process of putting your energy towards her, it will deplete your own mind & body so rapidly that both of you may down. If you are a swimmer, you can compare it to her trying to pull you under. As much as you want her to swim to safety, if she fights you.....then you have to worry about saving yourself. I hope that doesn't sound calloused.
I know you love her. I believe you feel you need her very much, and I understand. Hopefully, this M will be saved. We will try to help as best we can. It starts with you becoming healthier, stronger (mentally & physically), and learning how to get to a place you are happy with life and feel confident as a man. Okay?
I'm glad your kids are grown and you don't have to worry about her not taking care of them. Did she seem to turn to the gaming about the time the kids left?
Do you know anything about co-dependency in M's? If so, do you see yourself having that tendency?
I get the feeling you really don't want to "detach" from your W. it is common for Newcommers b/c they don't fully understand the DB concept of it. Believe me, it can be done without anger, resentment, coldness, or other negative behavior.
Remember, you are the one swimming for your life. You can't hold back waiting until she decides to swim also. She has to realize she is in trouble, first. Right now, she doesn't want anyone's help. If you ask anything of her.......she resents it. If you depend on her to fulfill your needs.....she resents it even moreso. For now, you will need to step away from her. Don't press her, plead with her, or try to force her. If she gets to a point of a life threatening situation, call for intervention/help. Are her parents living, and are they close by? Is there anyone who has enough influence with her that you could call if things get worse?
Next post will only be about you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What's tough if that it seems like everyday she gets further away from me. Each day I discover a new surprise. Today was snapchat.
The snapchat really hurts, I have probably told her everyday for years that my favorite part of the day is watching her get changed cause I get to see her boobies. She doesn’t let me see her naked anymore, but now she is sharing pictures with strangers on the internet.
It's like she has flipped her life right upside down. She'll be pleasant and seemingly happy with me. Then she goes to bed and stays up all night in a secret life.
These problems did start up right when our youngest daughter started spending more time away from the house. Someone else has mentioned maybe part of this is an empty nest type of thing.
I see both a psychiatrist and a psychologist, the doctor is mostly to monitor the medication though. In my therapy sessions they tell me that I'm not doing enough for me, that I'm too concerned about the us. I am going to make more of an effort to distance myself from her.
I really like the swimming analogy. That is excellent. I have to keep moving forward, and hope she starts swimming before it is too late.
I've read about co-dependancy. I'm pretty sure I'm not in that situation.
I'm still processing the detachment article. Is it just a matter of trying to separate my life from hers? That seems like it would be tough while living under the same roof. I'll have to stop being the nice guy and put my foot down. No more basketball games for me. I'll tell her to have fun though. She won't be happy, but I really need to start thinking about me.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
I certainly entered the anger stage yesterday. I was worried I was going to say something I shouldn't (Rule 21 or 26) so I met a friend for a couple of hours. It was nice to get away from her for a bit. I felt like I had lost all respect for her. I didn't want to be near her at all. I didn't even want to kiss her goodnight last night. But when she came to me I did to continue like everything is all right with me (Rules 19 and 30, The I'm all cool rules)
"Rule 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel." That is the tough one right now. In therapy I've learned that I need to get better, she needs to get better, and then we both need to agree to work on the marriage. It's really hard to not throw in the towel when you are the only one trying to get better. I'm making progress to becoming a better person. And she isn't even trying yet. She has been told to do nothing until her new medicine gets in her system.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
