I have been reading this forum for a while now and I thought I would post my story. However, I thought I would post a bit of a back story first:
My W and I have been married for almost 14 years now. She had been a stay home mom ever since S12 was born we also have another S9. She recently went back to work full time, but works nights. I work full-time during the day.
We had a fight back in 11/14 where we both agreed that we needed counseling, so we went separately. Afterwards, we agreed to work on our M. From 11/14 - 12/14 the W was very distant (wouldn't sit next to me and would barely touch me).
So during mid 12/14 we had another discussion and she said she was pretty much done with our M. She reluctantly agreed to try couples counseling, but said that she didn't see how it could work. She also moved her stuff into the spare bedroom.
So from that point until early 1/15 I tried all of the things I shouldn't have: crying, begging, chasing, reasoning. None of it worked. She'd just turn cold and say the nastiest things to me (very unlike her).
I found this site in early 1/15 and have been applying sandi2's rules, which has helped a lot (thanks!). I also got the DB book.
However, I think we got probably the worst MC imaginable! We took a step back from what little progress we had made prior to our first session. In our second session (last week) the W said she plans to move forward with the D.
We had a brief discussion about the D that evening, but it hasn't come up since then (and I'm not going to bring it up).
I'm lost. I don't want to lose my family. I love her and my boys more than anything. I have been reading books, blogs, and even signed up for coaching as well. I hope I can save my marriage!
Now that this is up, a little more background info:
I don't think she is having an A. I do think that she has someone in mind though. She has recently changed some of her habits and it is a bit puzzling. She never used to like salsa/dance music, but now she obsesses over it. Plus she smells like a perfume factory when she leaves for work in the evening. And she spends hours getting ready for work and her work has a very casual dress code.
We normally get along fine. Our fights are usually brief and get resolved somewhat quickly. However, I usually avoid conflict by withdrawing. So when we do argue, she does most of the talking and I get quiet and withhold affection. She would usually have to chase me down and agree to whatever my side of the argument was. This is something I have been working on with my IC (I'm still going, even though she stopped).
Another thing is that she complained about me not helping around this house. So now I have been busting my hump making sure the house is in order. I originally violated Sandi2's rule by telling her, but now I just do it. No matter how tired I am at the end of the day I make that the dishes are done, floors swept, and there is clean laundry for everyone. I also do most of the cooking as well (something I truly like to do).
She does say that I am a good father because I am always willing to help the boys with whatever they need. And I am usually the one that does out-of-the-house stuff with them. Plus, since she works nights I am responsible for bathing, homework, and bedtime duties.
However, I have cut my morning workouts short to come home and help get the kids ready for school. This isn't something she complained about, but I know she struggles with this because of her work schedule. And we have also received notices from the school about tardiness. So I make sure they are up, dressed, and fed in the morning. If she wakes up and takes them to school, fine. If not, I take them before going to work myself.
Some of my GAL activities: Signed up for a half marathon. Going to start training as soon as it warms up. I am planning on taking up both golf and boxing. Thanks to Groupon and Craigslist, I can find lessons and equipment really cheap. I started going to the gym again (stopped in 11/14 when the problems first arose). I bought some board games to play with the kids.
The word "eat" in your post should be in BOLD face. I think I've lost around 15 pounds in three months. It's not healthy, but it is something that I struggle with.
Now that this is up, a little more background info:
I don't think she is having an A. I do think that she has someone in mind though. She has recently changed some of her habits and it is a bit puzzling. She never used to like salsa/dance music, but now she obsesses over it. Plus she smells like a perfume factory when she leaves for work in the evening. And she spends hours getting ready for work and her work has a very casual dress code.
When did this new behavior of hers start? Maybe Oct/early-Nov of last year perhaps?
The word "eat" in your post should be in BOLD face. I think I've lost around 15 pounds in three months. It's not healthy, but it is something that I struggle with.
This is called the LBS Diet and is quite popular on this and other marriage websites.
Welcome to the club, keep posting and yes EAT and in general take care of YOU
Now that this is up, a little more background info:
I don't think she is having an A. I do think that she has someone in mind though. She has recently changed some of her habits and it is a bit puzzling. She never used to like salsa/dance music, but now she obsesses over it. Plus she smells like a perfume factory when she leaves for work in the evening. And she spends hours getting ready for work and her work has a very casual dress code.
When did this new behavior of hers start? Maybe Oct/early-Nov of last year perhaps?
When did this new behavior of hers start? Maybe Oct/early-Nov of last year perhaps?
Starsky
Yep, right around that time.
And how do you think I knew that?
I would suggest that she set you up for the fight on Nov. 14th -- it's classic script -- to justify an affair that she had already begun.
Would that be a dealbreaker for you?
I'm not suggesting this to upset you, but rather to get you to dig a little further to find out what you're up against, and to also use this time to determine what your OWN core, non-negotiable boundaries are. Many of us thought, for example, that we could NEVER be married after our wives cheated on us, but when faced with it we made it thru the other side, better than ever.
